


A Tale of Two Boys

by aphoenixinwriting



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 85
Words: 138,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2764682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphoenixinwriting/pseuds/aphoenixinwriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The on-going story of Ian and Mickey from their first encounter in season one to the present. Follows canon with some AU to fill in the gaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ian

A Tale of Two Boys

 

I fucked Mickey Milkovich. I still can't wrap my mind around it. Who would have thought a tough, street-wise thug like Mickey would be gay? Not me. Not in a hundred million years. But we wrestled over the gun he stole from Kash 'n' Grab and the next thing I know I'm putting my dick in his ass.

Now I'm smiling stupidly and I can't stop. It was really, really, fucking good sex. It was fun. I kind of want to do it again. It blew my mind. I have never experienced that before, not even with Kash; especially not with Kash.

"What's that secret smile for?" asked Fiona as she ran her fingers through my hair and pinched and kissed my cheek. She leaned on me from over my shoulder as I was seated doing my homework. I had read the same sentence six times.

"Nothing," I said.

Fiona's not stupid. She knows I'm lying. Usually she lets me, because she knows I usually tell her when I'm ready. But today is different. I know she's not going to drop it. If I didn't have butterflies in my stomach maybe I could stop smiling and I won't have to lie to my sister and everyone. I hate lying to my family.

"You know you could tell me anything?" She whispers in my ear giving me a double peck on the cheek. I smile at her. She grins at me and looks at me with puppy eyes.

"It's nothing, Fiona."

"Okay," she rubs my shoulders, "Steve is looking for you, something about tickets to a Bears game. I thought he already got you tickets."

"He did, but I needed some more. I don't really need them now, though."

Truth was I wanted to take Kash to the game. We usually go to those things together and end up fucking in the car the whole time. Kash and I aren't fucking anymore. His wife wants him to get her knocked up. He can't touch me until she is. But I don't mind so much.

I make a break for the stairs when Karen Jackson walks in with Lip. I would rather be anywhere than near her. I guess I can't really judge Lip on his choice in hood girls, because I did fuck Mickey Milkovich who some people like Veronica would say is, "the dirtiest white boy in America" but I don't really see it. I mean, sure he's disheveled, but who isn't around here?

My stomach turns itself inside out when I think about him. I land face first on my bed and pull the sheets up to my face and hide my smile. I sigh deeply and hug my pillow to my chest. I nearly squeal at a level equal of a fourteen-year-old girl and thrash about my bed, but before I do the door swings open. I quickly grab a magazine off Carl's stack of porn and pretend to read it when Karen walks in.

"Your room is disgusting. Hi, shithead," she said taking the porn magazine and climbing up on to Lip's bunk.

"Hey, man," said Lip slapping me playfully on the back and ruffling my hair before climbing up on his bunk to do only God knows what with Karen. I fight back the urge to retch thinking about it. "Oh, by the way, Steve is looking for you."

Thank God.

I use that as a well timed excuse to leave. Steve is nearly naked in Fiona's room. It brings to mind the time I saw my neighbor Kev naked. Good times. Steve is skinny. His ass is smaller than Fiona's and he doesn't have much muscle. He has a cute face, but not much else to ogle over.

"You were looking for me?" I asked.

"Yes. I have your tickets," He thrusts them in my hand as he slips on his jeans, or Fiona's jeans. I think he's living here now. He never goes home. I'm not even sure he has one. "Who are you going to take?"

I don't answer, but I smile stupidly. I want to ask Mickey but he will most likely say no and slam the door in my face.

"Why are you smiling?"

"I'm not."

"This family is really fucking weird."

"Actually, Steve, around here you're the one who's weird," said Debbie passing by.

"Thanks, Debs," I holler.

My little sister has a point. Steve is so normal it's frightening. I mean, if you call stealing cars for a living normal. But Fiona seems to be hung up on him. At least they have quiet sex. That's always nice.

"Are you taking them or not, man?" Steve asked.

"Oh, yeah, thanks."

I leave on cue.

I find myself at Mickey's house, standing the porch. A smile is glued on my face. I know he's in there. The butterflies in my stomach are lively today. I hold my breath as I knock on the door. Mickey answers and scans me from head to toe.

"What the fuck you want?" Mickey asked.

"Can we talk?"

"The fuck is it?" asked a man from inside the house. It must be Terry, Mickey's father. He's scary and large.

"Gallagher," Mickey called back.

"Fuck off, Frank," said Terry.

"It's not Frank."

"Tell them to fuck off anyway," shouted Terry.

Mickey stepped out on the porch and shut the door behind him. He lit a cigarette.

"You still haven't told me what you fucking want, Gallagher."

"I have two tickets to the Bears game this weekend and I wondered if you would go with me," I said quickly, not sure if I got all the words out.

"Fuck off," said Mickey. "There ain't no fucking way I'm doing that shit. No fucking way."

"We could fuck in the bathroom and the parking lot," I said as an incentive.

"What part of fuck off didn't you understand?"

I got the message loud and clear when he slammed the door in my face and went back inside. I stood on his porch for a second longer than I probably should have before walking away. I passed Frank on the street. He stunk of shit and beer.

"Ian," he said casually.

"Frank," I said.

"Got any money?"

"Not for you," I said and kept walking.

"Ungrateful brat," He muttered and kept walking.


	2. Mickey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey deals with the consequences of having sex with Ian Gallagher.

That fucking little redhead showed up at my door last night asking me out on a fucking date. He has some nerve. He's like a puppy, a fucking red haired puppy who is good at fucking and has a really big dick.

He's not bad. He smells ok and he's clean. But I will be damned if I go out anywhere with him. That is never going to fucking happen. We fucked once, that doesn't make us married or some shit. Would I like to do it again? Sure. It was good sex. I'm in no position to pass up good sex.

"Why are you smiling?" Mandy asks.

"I'm not smiling."

"You had sex didn't you?" Mandy asks.

How the fuck does she always know?

"Maybe, why do you care?"

"You're smiling like an idiot."

She's right. I do have a smile on my face. Having a dick that big up your ass will make anyone smile. I blame that stupid little red head. I wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for him. But damn. I hadn't had a good fuck like that in a while. I just hope that little punk doesn't go telling people about it.

"You are so fucking weird," says Mandy, "Look, I am going to the Bears Game with Ian this weekend. Do you think you can steal me a jersey?"

"You're going with Gallagher?" I ask, feeling a slight twinge of annoyance. Just because I said no to the little redhead doesn't mean Mandy has to usurp me. My heart does this weird fucking thing where it feels like its tightening and I can't get the image of Mandy and Gallagher out of my head. I'm not okay with this.

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend," says Mandy.

I finished my cigarette and dropped in an empty beer bottle sitting on the coffee table. I could not get my mind around Mandy thinking Ian Gallagher was her boyfriend.

Why the fuck do I even care?

"Where are you going?" Mandy asks, as I slip on my shoes and a jacket.

"Out," I say.

I light another cigarette as I wonder down the street with no destination in mind. I know where my feet are taking me. I stop walking, but I can't bring myself to turn around.

"Mickey," says Fiona as she passes me on the street, juggling several bags of groceries in one arm and Liam in the other. "Could you hold this please?" I hesitate. "Can you just be a decent person one time and help me?"

I take the groceries for a second while she puts Liam down. She picks him up and puts him on the other hip as she tries to take the groceries back from me. I decide to help her.

"There are a lot of thugs around, I should you walk you home," I say.

"Aren't you the most thuggish of them all?"

"My dad could be around," I say and she nods.

"Thanks," says Fiona after walking in silence for a couple blocks. I walk her, Liam, and the groceries up to the door and I follow her into the house. My heart stops for a moment when I spot a certain freckly face sitting at the table eating a pop tart and doing homework with Lip.

"What the fuck?" Lip asks looking up from his work.

"Mickey?" says Ian.

"I should go," I say to Fiona, and only to Fiona. I try not to look at the little red head at all. I stare in Fiona's direction.

"Wait, here," she says holding out ten dollars.

"Consider it a good deed," I say before walking out the door.

"Mickey," says Ian from behind me.

Fuck.

"Gallagher."

I light a cigarette and never turn to look at him. I can almost hear his lips turning up into a smile. I would like to wipe that stupid smile off his face.

"Thanks for helping Fiona."

"She's a pretty woman walking alone with a toddler in our neighborhood and she's unarmed. Easy target."

"Either way, thanks. It means a lot."

"Don't fucking mention it," I say and walk away.

I hear footsteps behind me. I don't turn around. He's like a fucking puppy and I'm not letting him follow me home. "So, um…" Ian starts.

Fuck.

"I have shit to do."

"Ok," says Ian.

I don't hear him behind me anymore and I get the sudden urge to turn around. Gallagher is still standing there staring at me. Fuck him and his stupid freckles. I nod toward the L and Gallagher follows me.

"Don't get too excited, carrot-top. This isn't going to be a habit."

"Right, yeah," says Ian eagerly. "Do you want to top this time?"

"Shut the fuck up already. Do you want to do this or not?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Shut the fuck up."

I pull up my pants and get a good look at Gallagher before he pulls his up. Even his fucking pubes are red. He is looking at me with doe eyes. I step back. Fuck. What the fuck have I done?

"I work at the Kash 'N' Grab today," says Ian.

"So?"

"I just wanted you to know."

And now he walks away. Now he fucking walks away. Why the fuck would he tell me he works today? Fuck.

"What time?" I ask.

"5," he hollers back.


	3. Letting Go of Kash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian realizes he no longer has feelings for Kash.

I watch Frank browse items in the store. He grabs several items off different shelves and rambling about something, I think its immigrants today. Who the fuck even keeps track? I don't speak Frank.

The thing about Frank is that I never really gave a shit. He never felt like a father to me. He certainly wasn't a dad. He never felt like one, the same way Monica doesn't feel like a mom. Eventually, I stopped caring. They stopped pretending to be parents, and I stopped giving a shit.

"You have to pay for that, Frank," I say.

"You were always my least favorite, or maybe it was Lip. You were close," Frank says tossing me a twenty dollar bill. I keep his change. Linda doesn't care if I pocket his remaining change as long as the cost of the items goes in the register.

"Ian," says Kash. He puts his hand on my shoulder and begins to massage me. "Did Frank pay?" He starts to rub my arms in sensual circles.

"Yes," I say when he leans over to suck on my neck and my cheek.

"So, I know I'm not supposed to touch you until Linda's pregnant, but I can kiss you at least. She can't get mad about kissing," says Kash sliding his hand down my back and the other he runs through my hair.

Kash and I used to be really hot and heavy until this thing with Mickey happened. I don't know why but I can't picture myself with Kash anymore. He's too old for me and he's married. Sure it's nice to fuck him and stuff, but I don't feel connected to him anymore.

"I don't think we should break her rules," I say.

I shrug my shoulders to indicate to Kash that I want him to stop touching me. He continues to put his hands on me, one hand rubbing slow circles on my abdomen from behind and the other still in my hair.

I'm relieved when we get a customer. Mickey Milkovich is standing in the door staring at Kash. I know I told him I work at five, but I didn't actually think he would come. I watch his eyes follow Kash's hand which he just pulled off my abdomen. Mickey smirks for a moment.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

_Thank you._ I try to mouth to Mickey, but he doesn't notice. He grins and walks up to the register. I hold my breath in anticipation. I can feel Kash shaking from fear.

"It's not what it looks like," says Kash, "Just take what you want and go."

"Let me talk to Mickey, Kash," I say.

Mickey follows me to the back of the store. He is still smirking. I can't help but smile at him when he looks at me. He holds out his "fuck" hand to keep distance between us. He won't look directly at me; I follow his gaze until he has no choice but to look at me.

"Is this guy bothering you, Gallagher?"

"What? No."

"Are you sure?" Mickey asks, "I can go get my brothers and give him a beating."

"Since when do you care?"

"You're dating my sister. Her happiness is important to me. That puts you in the circle. We protect our own."

If I were to look at myself in the mirror, I'd probably look like that smiling cat from _Alice in Wonderland._

"Why the fuck are you staring at me?"

"Ian!" shouted Kash from behind the register.

"I have to get back to work. You can stay if you want."

"What time you get off?"

"Nine."

"Do you need a ride home?" Kash asks as I finish sweeping the store. He puts his hands on my hips. I move away from him. "Why are you pulling away? Look, it's not my fault that Linda won't let me touch you."

"Yeah, it kind of is. You're married. You have kids."

"I never wanted that life."

"But you have it. I feel bad enough as it is. Don't make me feel worse. Please."

"Are we over?" Kash asks.

I don't answer. What is there to say? _Sorry Kash, I'm fucking Mickey Milkovich._ That doesn't exactly sound like a conversation I want to have. Still, I feel guilty, but it's not like Kash was my first. This should have never happened. He was married. I kind of ruined his life.

Mickey is waiting for me outside Kash 'N' Grab. I smile at him. He lights a cigarette and doesn't look at me at all. We walk side by side down the street towards our homes. I half expect us to go into an alley somewhere but we keep walking.

"Why are you walking me home?"

Mickey takes a drag off his cigarette and keeps walking. I keep up with him.

"Are you really fucking that towel-head?"

"I was. I think we broke up."

Mickey finally pushed me into an alley. I pull off my shirt as he begins to strip. It's more fun to help each other out of our clothes. I bend Mickey over. With a little spit as a lubricant I enter him. He lets out a soft grunt which is quickly followed by a deep moan.

"Does that hurt?"

"Shut the fuck up."

My heart is pounding in my chest with each thrust. The butterflies are rampant and my legs feel like they're about to give out. I receive a rush that makes me keep going. It's like a high I've never felt before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the characters seem out of character right now.


	4. Milkovich's Don't Share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey doesn't want Kash touching Ian so he does something about it.

That fucking towel-head thinks he can just touch Gallagher whenever he feels like it. He's old and married and disgusting. His hands were all over the little red head like he fucking owned him. He wouldn't stop touching him. It makes me sick thinking about it.

"Mandy!" I shout.

I can't even play my stupid game properly. I get blown up every time from not concentrating and turn off the X-Box.

"What do you want, ass-face?" Mandy asks plopping down on the other end of the couch.

"How long has your boyfriend been fucking his manager?"

"You know about that? So I guess you know Ian's not really my boyfriend."

"Yeah, no shit. Answer my question."

"I don't know how long they've been fucking. Why don't you ask him if you want to know so badly? Why do you care anyway?"

"Because I shop there, I don't want to watch some creepy perv touch a teenage boy in front of me while I shop."

"You mean steal."

"You know what I fucking mean, bitch."

Mandy glares at me. She looks like mom when she does that. I cringe. At least she doesn't fucking look like Terry.

"This really bothers you doesn't it," Mandy asks, "Look. If it's a problem for you then talk to Ian. He can ask Kash not to touch him while you're there."

"How the fuck does this not bother you?" I'm standing up now. Why the fuck am I standing up?

"Why should it?"

"Milkoviches don't fucking share, or did you forget that? We hold on to what is ours. We don't share."

I'm almost shouting at her. _Get a fucking grip._ I leave before I lose it. In my bedroom I turn on loud music and lie down on my back across my twin bed. I glance at poster of a naked woman on my wall and Gallagher pops into my head uninvited. That's the last place I want him to be.

I go by the store as soon as I can. Gallagher is there but towel-head isn't. I ask for Slim Jims. Gallagher locks the door behind the last customer out and we head to the storage room. We don't speak during the sex. I just let myself go. What he does to me makes my eyes water, but I try not to think about it.

"So why'd you come by?" Ian asks as we put our clothes back on.

"I was gonna talk to towel-head douche about keeping his fucking hands to his fucking self. I don't want to come in here and find him molesting some underage kid."

"Really, he wasn't molesting me. We were together."

I twitch.

"It's not the point."

"What is the point?"

"Fuck." I scratch my head and try not look at him. I don't want to see that dumb smile of his. I throw my scarf around my neck and head for the door. Gallagher follows me like a puppy.

"So this was like a booty call."

"Whatever. See ya."

Fuck. _Fuck._ I wander up and down the street by Kash 'N' Grab three times, considering going back in. Gallagher is stocking shelves and wearing a stupid fucking smile. Fuck.

"Mickey," says Frank Gallagher. I roll my eyes.

"Fuck off, Frank."

"Have you seen my ungrateful little progeny?"

"What the fuck is that?"

"My son," says Frank, who is stumbling.

"Go fuck yourself."

"Got any money?"

I turn around on the spot.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Frank," I say.

"Got any drugs?"

_No fucking wonder Gallagher hates this guy._

"Fuck off, Frank."

I walk off before he can follow me. Maybe he will crawl back into whatever shithole he came out of and die there.

 _Ian's being touched that faggot store manager of his._ Fuck. I turn around. Frank is still heading toward Kash 'N' Grab. "Frank, I will give you ten dollars if you go into Kash 'N' Grab and ask that fucking towel-head to come out here."

I hand Frank the cash and he heads inside. True to his word he sends Kash out. But my little puppy—I mean Gallagher—is following him loyally. _I forgot to say to send him out ALONE._

"What do you want, Mickey?" Kash asks.

I look at Gallagher. He's smiling at me as if I had just given him the fucking sun. I couldn't look at him.

"Ian, go inside and make sure Frank doesn't shoplift," says Kash.

"But," Ian says.

"Do it."

"Don't fucking tell him what to do," I say when Gallagher has gone inside.

"I'm his boss."

"Do you fuck all the little boys that come to work for you or just that one?"

Kash doesn't speak. I get in his face.

"I don't want any trouble, Mickey."

"That's right you fucking don't. From now on, I take what I fucking want in your shithole of a store or I'm telling Officer Tony that you fuck underage boys."

"Ian will never press charges."

"No, but Fiona might."

That got his attention. Kash agrees to my terms.

"Oh, and you'd best keep your hands off."

"That wasn't part of our agreement."

"Did I fucking stutter?"

"Damn it, Frank," Gallagher yells from the door. Frank emerges from the store with his arms loaded with shit. Gallagher looks at me.

"I'm calling the police," says Kash. He walks past me into the store. Gallagher comes over without his jacket on.

"What did Kash say?"

"He's not going to fucking touch you."

"He can't touch me. Not until Linda gets pregnant. She caught us. Well we were on camera. You know the camera she put in to catch you shoplifting. Yeah, she's surprisingly not pissed about it, but Kash can't touch me until she's knocked up."

_This is fucking news to me. I just did all that shit for no reason. Why the fuck did I leave the house?_

"Well now after he is allowed to touch you, he won't."

"What if I want him to touch me?"

_What the fuck is he doing? Baiting me? Not going to fucking happen, carrot-top._


	5. Secret Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is dealing with new feelings.

I find myself hanging out with Mandy a lot more than I did before I was fucking her brother behind her back. Sometimes, I make an excuse to use the bathroom and go see Mickey in his room. He's not the cleanest person, and they don't have the cleanest house, but I like it.

Mickey won't kiss me, nor will he let me cuddle him, but he will sometimes doze off after we fuck and I get to stare at him. I can't stop smiling thinking about the time I traced tiny circles on his biceps when he was sleeping.

"You still fucking towel-head?" He asks me today. I lean my naked body in closer to his and he doesn't scoot away right away so I leave it. I put my hand over my heart and feel it beating like a hummingbird's. My breath catches in my throat for a second and I have to shift my body slightly away to breathe.

"No, I'm not. He's still on probation by his wife."

I pretend to be looking at my hands when Mickey turns his head to look at me. He passes me his joint and I take a slow hit, to feel where his lips had been. I return it to him.

"Probably best if you just fuck someone your own age."

"I don't know very many boys my age who are gay," I say and look into his eyes. The blue is shocking and stands out with his black hair. I scoot a little bit closer until my hip is touching his. He doesn't pull away. Bare skin against bare skin is making me hard.

"How do you find these old guys to fuck?"

"It's a blur how it happened. But he used to stare at me a lot when I started working at Kash 'N' Grab and one day it just sort of happened. I don't really know. Mickey passes me the joint again and our hands touch causing a tremor of stirrings inside me.

"You ready for round three?"

"Definitely," I say looking down at my crotch. It's certainly ready.

Mickey rolls over onto his back and I get ready. He begins to laugh when I lube up. I smile when he can't see me and prepare to put it in. It's not so smooth going in, but Mickey makes a sound like he likes it. I lean over and press my forehead against his back. I want so badly to kiss him there it hurts, but I refrain.

Mickey moans, grunts, and occasionally sighs as I pound into him. I look at him clutching his mattress with his "U-Up" hand and grabbing the headboard with the other as I get into a groove. Mickey lets out a soft moan that goes through me like electricity.

When it's over I fall on top of him and stroke his back. He swats my hand away and rolls onto his back. He doesn't speak to me; he just nods off for a few minutes. I stare at his dirty face until I conk out. When I awaken Mickey's head is on my chest and my arm is thrown across him. He's still sleeping, and drooling a bit on my chest. I smile and caress his hair and face slowly.

"What the fuck?" Mickey asks when he wakes up and his vision adjusts. He immediately backs away from me. His bed is small so there aren't a lot of places he can escape to. "We fell asleep." He checks the doors to make sure they're both still shut and locked.

"How did we end up cuddling?" I ask.

"Shut the fuck up. I don't cuddle."

"You kind of did and you drooled a bit."

I wipe his drool off my chest. Mickey tosses me my clothes.

"Get the fuck out."

"Mickey," I say.

"Leave. This was stupid. Someone could have walked in."

"Mickey."

"What part of get the fuck out did you not understand?"

"Okay, let me put on my clothes at least."

He nodded. I dressed quickly and didn't look at him when I left. He slammed the door shut right behind me. I bump into Iggy Milkovich holding a bowl of cereal and staring at me. He chews slowly and just watches me. I don't speak to him. He doesn't speak to me. I bypass him and make a bee line to the door.

I collapse on the porch of the Milkovich house, my legs are wobbly. I can barely stand up. My head is spinning. It feels like the first time all over again only I'm not smiling like a fucking idiot, even though I want to.

 _Mickey._ I hear the door open behind me and instead of Mickey its Iggy still eating his cereal. He's watching me. I nod and find a way to stand up.

"Tell Mandy I'll call her," I say as I leave. I watch Iggy go back in the house. _What was that about?_

The first place I go is Karen Jackson's to find Lip. I want to tell him about this, but when I get there I can't. I can't go back on Mickey's trust, so I go home. Carl is doing something stupid and dangerous when I get there. He's standing on the roof holding a bowling ball above a trampoline (which he stole from God knows where). My curiosity gets the better of me and I let him do it. I know I shouldn't but I do.

"Carl, get the fuck off the roof," shouts V who comes outside holding Liam. She squeezes my arm affectionately and passes Liam to me. "You're going to get hurt."

"Look out," says Carl and he drops the bowling ball. V and I split off in opposite directions as the bowling ball bounces back up. Carl jumps down lands on the trampoline and bounces off onto the concrete side walk. The bowling ball hits the ground and misses him by a millimeter.

"Fiona is going to kill us all. Come on, let me look at you," says V. "Ian, get me the first aid kit."

"Yeah," I say. I take Liam and go into V's house to get her first aid kit which she and Kev have written the words, "Fucking Gallagher's" on the side of it. I grin and pick it up.

"Why are you smiling, Ian?" V asks me as she doctors up Carl and smacks him on the knee real hard for scaring her.

"I wish I could tell you," I tell her.

"It must be a secret love. I perfectly understand. Damn it, Carl. You're lucky you didn't break anything. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I wasn't," says Carl. He's grinning. The kid always did like danger. "Are you going to tell Fiona?"

"I have to. It's a grown up thing. Now, for you, Smiles," V says. She sends Carl upstairs with Liam. She takes some beers out of the fridge and leads me to the couch. "Tell me about this love of yours."

I try to think of where to begin. I can give her details without disclosing name or gender of my partner. V is like family. Actually, she's not like family. She is family.

"I'm in over my head, aren't I?"

"From the looks of that secret smile, I'm voting yes on this one."


	6. That's What a Crush Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey seeks guidance from an unlikely source

I can't get Gallagher out of my head. Even worse, I have these sensations inside me whenever he's around, or whenever I think about them. I can't really describe them. They're like fucking warm and shit.

"Iggy," I say casually. He's watching some dumb show on TV about the fucking Civil War and eating a pizza bagel.

"Sup?" Iggy says.

"Never mind," I say. _What the fuck was I thinking? I can't ask Iggy. Mandy? No. I probably shouldn't ask a member of my own family. They'd get too suspicious._

As I leave my house the little red head pops into my mind again and my heart does this weird thing where it feels like its being inflated like a balloon. I shake my head to try to get it off my mind, but it doesn't work.

I find myself in front of the Jackson house. _You've got to be kidding._ It's the nicest house in our neighborhood. It's also the one house everyone avoids. No one has ever attempted to rob it. Not from our neighborhood or any of the others. It's because Shelia Jackson is a kind woman, if not a big aloof and fucking crazy. But she's nice, and she's clean.

 _What the fuck am I doing?_ I knock on the door. I have no fucking clue why. Shelia Jackson pokes her head out. She frowns when she sees me. I see my reputation precedes me.

"Mickey," says Shelia, "Frank's not here, he's at the Alibi. I don't know how much he owes you, but you can find him there."

_Why the fuck does everyone always assume I'm looking for Frank? Who gives a shit about Frank?_

"I'm actually here to talk to you," I say slowly. She hands me a plastic bag to put my shoes in before she lets me in the house. Her house smells like lavender and plastic. It's so clean you could eat off the walls.

"Are you hungry? I can make you some Eggs Benedict."

I nod. She starts cooking. I sit down at her kitchen table. Shelia puts a cup in front of me and fills it with tea. Her Eggs Benedict doesn't take long and she watches me eat. It's the most savory thing I've ever tasted. She smiles when I clean my plate. I have no table manners, and that must really show, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"Now, Mickey, what's on your mind? I'm going to put in some cookies. What kind do you like? Oh it doesn't matter. I'll make different kinds." She begins baking. _Does this woman ever stop?_

"I have this problem," I begin. "Can I smoke in here?"

"I'd rather you didn't."

Fuck. _I'm going to be all twitchy._

"As I was saying, I have this problem."

"What sort of problem, Mickey?" Shelia asks leaning over the counter with a smile on her face.

"I have these sensations inside me. I feel warm and shit when I think about—someone," I almost said his name. My heart inflates again.

"Oh, Mickey, that's not a problem," she says, I watch her set the over timer and come join me at the table. She takes my "U-Up" hand and strokes it. "That's a crush."

"I don't get crushes. Crushes are for pussies and girls."

"Oh no, crushes are for everyone. It sounds to me like this is your first crush. It's normal what you're feeling inside. Everyone has crushes. I've had a few myself."

 _Why the fuck did I come here?_ _This is so gay._

"How do I get rid of it?"

"It's not an illness, Mickey. You can't just take medicine and have it go away. Crushes will fade over time. That's why they're called crushes."

"How long do they usually last?"

"It depends. You won't be over it in a day. Let me ask you something. Is this crush someone you're not supposed to like?"

_She asks a lot of fucking questions._

"Yeah," I answer. I try not to look in her eyes, but she's kind. She's the most motherly person I have ever met.

"And that's why you don't want to feel the way you do."

"Yeah."

"Have you tried telling your crush you like them? Maybe they feel the same way you do."

"No fucking way. No fucking way. That's never going to fucking happen."

"I crossed some sort of line with that one. But you know, Mickey, it might make you feel better if you know if you have a chance with this person. Maybe they like you as much as you like them. It seems to me that you like them a lot."

"What happens if they don't like me back?"

"Then you move on, I guess."

"And if they do like me back?"

"Then you get to be happy together. Oh, Mickey, didn't your mother or father ever talk to you about this stuff before?"

"Nah, my mom's not around and all my dad did was hand me a porno and some lube on my twelfth birthday and told me to figure it out."

"Maybe I should have a talk with Terry."

"No, don't."

She smiles at me. Her oven timer dings. When she gets up to get the cookies out of the oven I bolt. I can't sit in that frilly house any longer. I bump into Lip and Karen on the porch and avoid looking at them. I don't want to look at anyone from the Gallagher family right now.

I put as much distance between the Jackson house and myself as I can. I light up a cigarette as soon as I can and walk back home in just my socks. When I bolted, I forgot to grab my shoes. Fuck. I am not going to that house again.


	7. Family Knows Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monica is back and Ian seeks comfort.

I debate telling Fiona all day about being gay and Mickey Milkovich. It's on the tip of my tongue, when Debs comes in telling about Monica being back. We all head over to Sheila's where Monica is arguing with Frank.

Sheila tells Monica she owes us an apology. I don't want to hear it. Fiona is having none of it. She starts in on what she's done for us since she took over the family. I feel like I owe Fiona a lot and I will never be able to repay her. She raised me, took care of me, and loved me. That's all I could ever ask for.

Then Monica drops a bomb shell on us. She wants to take Liam. OVER MY DEAD BODY! Liam is my brother. He's stays with us. I can't deal with this right now.

"You can't take him," I say standing up to her. Fiona and Lip look at me. I usually don't give my opinions on this shit. That's Lip's job. But I've had it with everything.

"Ian, baby," says Monica.

"Don't baby me. You left us."

She tries to pet me and show me affection, but I back away. I turn around and run out the door. Her fat girlfriend is chuckling like it's the funniest thing she's ever seen. I hear her mutter something about me, but I don't linger to hear it.

I run down the street as fast as I can. I have to be at work and I'm just sick of Monica and Frank coming back into my life. I knock on Mickey's door. Thankfully he answers. It takes every ounce of my will power not to hug him.

"I need to see you," I say sounding on the verge of tears. Mickey's breath catches.

"Aren't you working today?"

"I'm supposed to be there now. Linda's going to kill me."

"I'll meet you there in twenty minutes."

I run to work. And like clockwork Mickey shows up after twenty minutes. I lock the door and go into the back room with him. I start stripping and he holds his "fuck" hand to my chest.

"Wait. What's going on?"

"Monica's back and she wants to take Liam away with her and her stupid girlfriend."

"Your mom's gay?"

"Bisexual I think. Are we going to do this or not?"

"Hang on. Are you okay? You seem a little frantic. You need to calm down."

"She wants to destroy my family."

"What's Lip think?"

"Look, Mickey, we can talk about this later, please."

"No. Not until we talk it out. You aren't fucking me while you're this worked up."

Mickey makes me tell him everything. He gets me calmed down. I smile at him while we talk and he actually looks in my eyes for once. When I feel better he starts to undress himself. I turn him around and we go at it like little gay bunnies.

"Ian, guess what, Linda's knocked up!" says Kash opening the door on me and Mickey. Mickey pulls up his pants and runs out quickly. Kash stares at me. "How long has this been going on?"

I don't answer. I don't owe him one.

Mickey comes back in. I know he's going to cause trouble and I want to stop it. He and Kash exchange words and I hear gun shots. _Holy shit. What the fuck?_ Mickey is lying on the floor with a bullet in his leg and it's all Kash's fault. I kneel beside Mickey and hold his head. He looks in my eyes for a second before screaming, "YOU FUCKING SUCK!" to Kash. If Mickey wasn't bleeding I would have laughed.

After the ambulance comes and takes Mickey away I call Mandy and tell her about it, not about the sex or anything, but about Mickey being shot and going to juvie. He wouldn't have gone to juvie if he just admitted Kash caught us fucking and shot him out of jealousy, but Mickey wouldn't do that.

I glare at Kash as we lock up for the night. He looks right through me.

"Just so we're clear, it's over," says Kash.

"It was over weeks ago," I say casually. I don't look at him. I stare down the street in the direction the ambulance took Mickey.

"I can take you home," says Kash.

"No thanks."

I start walking. I don't want anything to do with Kash anymore. We're done. He has a family he needs to take care of. I can't believe I ever slept with a married man. I collapse on my bed with my face down. After what feels like an hour I feel someone rubbing my back. I turn over to see Lip sitting on the side of my bed holding a mug of something steaming and giving me an apologetic look. I sit up.

"I have an idea," says Lip. "Let's trail Monica and Bob tomorrow. We need to make sure they're not up to something."

I nod. Lip gives me the hot beverage. He rubs my back again and I smile. Lip always knew how to make me feel better when I was down. I think I'm going to tell him about Mickey, just not tonight.

We follow Bob and Monica all day. They have a DNA test done to prove that Liam is not Frank's. Which I'm sure he is. I like to believe the rumor that Nana Gallagher had an affair. Mostly, if he's Frank then Monica can't take him away.

While sitting in the car waiting I tell Lip, "Mickey's gay and we're doing it. Kash shot Mickey because of me. But Mickey would rather go to Juvie than admit he's gay. So I'm doing both Kash and Mickey. Well, not so much Kash lately. But when Kash and me were really hot and heavy Linda found out and is black mailing Kash into having another kid."

"Holy shit," says Lip.

"Now you know, just Mickey's on the down low," I say.

"I never would have thought," Lip says.

"Me either. He's pretty good," I say. Lip smirks.

"Is he a…"

"I can't tell you," I say.

"Jesus. That's why you've been smiling lately. I just figured Kash got really good in bed all of a sudden."

Lip gets the genius idea to have our DNA tested to make sure we really are Frank Gallagher's sons. Lip desperately wants the test to say he isn't. He wants away from Frank. As for me, I don't really care. I never felt connected to Frank. He's a cockroach. That's all he's ever been.

It's a few days before we get our results. Lip tells me over dinner with the family, Steve, and Bob that Frank Gallagher is not my family. As much I didn't care, it kind of hurts knowing that these faces around me: Fiona, Lip, Debbie, Carl, Liam are not my full blooded siblings. They're my half-siblings. Knowing that hurts a lot.

I want to run to Mickey. But I can't. I have nowhere to go. Mickey's gone and it's my fault, and now I don't have him to run to when I need comfort. Instead, I slink upstairs. I think about how unaffected Frank was about hearing that I'm not his. He didn't care.

"Hey," says Fiona, sitting down beside me on my bed.

"Hey," I say fighting back a sniffle that wants to come out.

"You're my brother. No fucking test is going to tell me any differently. You're part of this family, Ian. Not someone's elses. I love you," says Fiona putting her arms around me and hugging me until I squeak.

"He didn't care," I say, letting out the sniffle and a second follows it.

"No, he didn't. Frank doesn't give a shit about any of us."

"I'm not calling him dad ever again," I tell Fiona.

She rubs my shoulders and plants a kiss in my hair.

"I respect that. Just call him Frank, or don't talk to him at all, I don't care either way. He's no longer welcome in this house, I'll tell you that much. Come stay at Steve's tonight."

"Okay," I say. Fiona gives me another squeeze. "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one stayed mostly show canon because I really like the stuff in that episode.


	8. Juvie Fucking Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey has some awful encounters in juvie and one that isn't so terrible.

I close my eyes and picture the little red head smiling at me. I feel my lips turn up into a smile as I slide my hand over my stomach. I have nothing else to do in this shithole. I think about Gallagher against me, his pale skin touching mine. I run my fingers in circles around my stomach and down my abdomen.

I can almost see the freckles on his shoulders right now. My hand makes its way to my naval and begins to slide down further. I bite on my knuckle to stop myself from going anywhere with this, but it's too late. I'm already hard. _FUCK._

I glance over at the other boys in my cell block. None of them are making any sounds, some may even be sleeping. I close my eyes again and Gallagher's face is right where I left it. I throw my head back as my hands take over. _Gallagher._

"Gallagher," I whisper and then it's over. His face is gone and so is everything else. It's a blur.

_What the fuck is wrong with me? Milkovich's don't do this sort of shit especially not while thinking about a certain freckle faced Gallagher._

"Yo, Milkovich," says my bunk mate. He stares down at me from above. He's black. I forget his fucking name. Something weird sounding. Who the fuck cares?

"What the fuck do you want?" I ask.

"Who's this Gallagher?"

"None of your fucking business," I say.

He jumps down off his bed and straddles me. I feel a sharp object pointed at my throat. This motherfucker messed with the wrong Milkovich.

"You better kill me when you jam that in my neck or I'll fuck you up," I tell him.

"I asked who Gallagher is," he says. I feel him draw a little blood.

"Someone I know," I answer.

"Not fucking good enough, white boy. Try again."

"He lives in my neighborhood," I say.

"You were getting off to a guy? I fucking knew it. If you so much as look at me more than two seconds I will gut you like a fucking fish."

_Come at me, bitch. I'd like to see you fucking try._

"If I so much as hear that name again I will kill you in your sleep, and then when I get out of here, I'll kill him."

_I'd love to see you try, motherfucker. Step foot in my neighborhood and you'll be hanging from a fucking tree with your guts on the outside. Go anywhere near Gallagher and I'll make it far worse._

"Get the fuck off me," I say, giving him a hard shove.

"You better watch yourself. You're new around here, but you'll soon learn who the top fucking dog around here is," he says before climbing back up to his bed.

I wake up a little earlier than usual, and lie in my bed staring up at my cell mate's mattress. I wish I remembered his fucking name. "Milkovich, you thinking about Gallagher?" he asks from above me.

"Fuck off," I say, wishing I had a cigarette.

"What are you in here for?"

"Go fuck yourself."

During breakfast I sit by myself at a table full of guys who didn't seem to notice if I was there nor not. One of them reached across the table to try to take my Jell-O. _Oh hell no, bitch._

"Get your fucking hands off my jell-o," I tell him. I grab his hand with mine. He looks at me then pulls back.

"Name's Mick," he says.

"Mickey," I say.

"Are names are the same," he says.

_Is he fucking me with this shit?_

"Touch my fucking jell-o again and I'll break your fucking hand."

I am told I have money in my commissary account and I use them to get cigarettes. I inhale them and release during break time. This place fucking sucks, and I hope I get out soon.

"Milkovich, you have a visitor," says a guard. I hobble on my crutches to the visitors' room. I spot Gallagher sitting on the opposite side of the glass waiting for me wearing a stupid smile. My heart inflates again. I glance around for my cell mate. He's sitting nearby talking to a woman.

"Thanks for putting money in my account, I was running low on smokes," I tell him.

"Kash. I told him you might still press charges," says Gallagher.

_So he's still with towel-head. Another name on my fucking list for when I get out of this shithole._

"Whatever, thanks."

"So guess what, Mickey, it turns out Frank's not really my father."

"You adopted?"

"Nope. Monica had an affair in '95, and I was the product of that. Apparently she fucked one of Frank's brothers. I look just the guy. His wife didn't seem to like me very much when Lip and I visited them. He was trying to find a new family for himself to get away from Frank. I don't really blame him."

 _Does he ever shut the fuck up?_ I glance around to make sure my cellmate isn't staring at us. He looks my way a couple of times. I wonder if he can see Gallagher from where he is sitting.

"How long are you going to be in here?"

"A couple months if I don't do anything stupid," I say still looking around.

"Stupid like what?"

"Like stab that fat fucking Mick who keeps trying to steal my jell-o."

"I miss you," says Gallagher. Now I'm looking at him. He's wearing a dumb smirk.

"Say that again and I'll cut your pull your fucking tongue out of your head." To which he just smirks.

I stare at him for a moment and he looks at me like he's staring into the sun. I look away from him. He puts his hand on the glass; I know where this is going. "Take your hand off the glass." My cellmate has figured it out. _Fuck._

He's watching us more closely now. It seems he got into an argument with that the woman he was talking to because she got up and left behind Gallagher. My cellmate was escorted out by a guard. I watch him look right at Gallagher on his way out.

"Who's that guy?"

"Don't worry about him."

"Stay away from him, Mickey. He looks dangerous."

"I can take care of myself. You okay about this whole Frank thing?"

"Yeah. I wasn't, but I am now. He's an asshole."

I smile at him for being so accepting of his news. His family means so much to him.

"Tell Mandy to come visit me," I tell him.

"I don't want her coming here, not with him around."

 _If that motherfucker laid a hand on Mandy it'd be the last fucking time he ever touched anyone._ The buzzer sounds. Visitation is over. Gallagher smiles at me one more time. He is the last to leave. I feel a twinge of annoyance after his departure and I linger for a moment in my chair. I touch the glass opposite where his hand was and feel my heart drop into my stomach.

"Let's go, Milkovich," says a guard.

I am thrown back in my cell. At least now I have cigarettes. My cellmate is thrown in too. He turns on me as soon as we're locked in.

"Who was the fucking redhead? Is that Gallagher? After I fucking told you not to mention him again he comes to see you," He says in my face.

"Step the fuck off, asshole. I may have crutches and a bullet wound but I am not scared of you."

"You'll be scared of me, bitch, when I get out of here and fuck up your pretty little boyfriend."

I grab him by the shirt and pull him in close to me. He's taller than I am, but I don't give a shit. This fucking asshole has crossed a line.

"Threaten him again and you'll regret it. You may think you're the top fucking dog around here, but you don't know me. I will fuck you up."

He tries to kiss me. I deck him. Can't say I didn't see that coming.


	9. Comings and Goings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian makes a second trip to visit Mickey.

I haven't seen Mickey in two weeks, and I am starting to really miss him. I miss him telling me to "Fuck off" and to just get up and leave after sex. I miss his scent, I miss his anger, and I miss his "fuck u-up" tattoo. I just miss him.

That's why I'm going back to the juvenile detention center today. Mickey was surprised to see me last time and he seemed distracted, hopefully he won't be this time. I can't wait to see him. I'm skipping school to see Mickey.

I have to take a couple of buses to get there, but I think it's worth it. I am sent through several metal detectors when I enter the building. It's a bit of a process. I get pat down by some guy who seems to like to let his hands wander, before I am allowed in to see Mickey.

"Who are you here to see?" asks a man at the visitation desk.

"Mickey Milkovich," I say.

"Are you relation?"

"I'm his boyfriend," I say casually.

The man nods and waves me through. I look back and see him shake his head and whisper something. I have no idea why I told that man I'm Mickey's boyfriend. We aren't boyfriends, I don't think. I just didn't think the man would let me through otherwise.

Mickey is brought out. He's not on his crutches. He's still limping. He sits down across from me and takes the phone. I pick up my side. He's sporting a bruise under his left eye that looks really painful. I put my hand on the glass, but remove it quickly.

"What do you want?" Mickey asks.

"I wanted to see you," I say.

Mickey leans forward, glances around, and whispers, "You have to stop coming here. My cell mate wants to fuck you up. He gets out next week. You have to stay away."

"But I wanted to see you," I say feeling crestfallen.

"I'm fucking serious."

"If that's what you want. This will be my last visit," I tell him, fighting back tears in my eyes. "I just thought it would be nice for you to have visitors. I know Mandy won't come and I know that your father doesn't give a shit. I just thought I would do something nice for you."

"Fuck," says Mickey. He's looking right at me. He never does that. I smile at him. He doesn't return it right away, but his face does soften.

"How is your fucked up family?"

"Still fucked up. How's teenage prison?"

"It fucking sucks. You didn't bring me any porn or anything did you? Because I could really use something to fucking do in here."

"When are you coming home?"

"I don't fucking know."

"I need you."

Mickey doesn't give me a "I'll rip your fucking out" or "Don't say stupid fucking shit," he just stares at me as if he's not sure I'm actually here or not. He doesn't move his eyes away like he did last time, but I still don't feel like he's with me completely.

"Please, don't come back here again."

"I won't," I reply when I hear the desperation in his voice.

"Still fucking towel-head?" He asks after a few moments of silence.

"No. We actually broke up after he shot you. He's seeing someone else now. I don't care."

"I bet that wife of his was thrilled when he shot me," says Mickey.

"The neighborhood watch ladies baked him a fucking cake."

Mickey laughs. I miss it.

The buzzer goes off and that means it's time to go. I stay seated and so does Mickey. We wait until everyone else leaves before we get up. The big black guy from two weeks ago winks at me and waves two fingers. He looks down at Mickey before being pushed through the door.

"I asked for extra time," says Mickey. "We have five minutes."

"How'd you manage that?"

Mickey avoids answering and a serious expression comes on his face, "That black guy you saw, his name is Travon D'Johnson, and he's my cell mate. He is the reason you have to stop coming here. I'm serious. He won't just fuck you up; he'll go after your family."

"Time's up, Milkovich," says the guard. He takes Mickey by the shoulders and leads him away. I am still sitting there when a woman pats me on the arm. I nod at her and leave. My heart is constricting in my chest. I feel weak. I sit down on the bench in lobby and breathe. My head is spinning.

"You alright," asks the female guard who made me leave. She is kneeling in front of me. She looks kind of blurry. "I'm going to get you some water. Why don't you lie down for a second?"

I don't remember blacking out, but when I come to I am lying on the floor of the lobby of the juvenile detention center and the female guard and another male guard are kneeling on the floor next to me. The male guard helps me sit up.

"Do you know who you are?"

"Ian Gallagher," I answer.

"Who is the President of the United States?"

"Barack Obama," I answer.

"Where are you?"

"Chicago, Illinois."

"He's fine," says the man. I feel like blacking out again, but the woman gives me a cup of water with a straw and I sip it. She sits me up and I lean against the bench.

"Can I go home now?"

"No," says the woman.

"Okay," I say. I close my eyes.

I don't remember falling asleep or maybe I blacked out again, but when I open my eyes I am looking at my brother Lip and Fiona's boyfriend Steve.

"Ian," says Lip.

"How did you find me?" I ask.

"Mickey Milkovich told them my number. He said it was the only one he knew. He has my number because I referred some druggies to him a few months ago. You okay?"

I clutch onto Lip and let him I'm ready to go home. The female guard seems reluctant to let me leave. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I just want to go home," I say.

I don't talk to Lip much in the car ride home. I mostly just sleep. I wouldn't want Steve to overhear and get suspicious about everything. He and Lip talk about a job that he as for Lip to help him make some money to take Karen Jackson to a concert.

Back at the house, Lip makes me tell him why I think I passed out.

"Stress," I say.

"Try again," says Lip calmly.

"Lovesickness," I throw out randomly. Lip nods and pats me on the back.

"I was really fucking worried."

"Thanks for coming to get me," I say.

"Ian, I will always come get you, every fucking time. I will drop everything and come get you."

"You don't have to protect me."

"Disagree," says Lip before tossing me my homework.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not normal to pass out from "lovesickness" but this is fan fiction after all.


	10. Get Me the Fuck Out of Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey takes action against a bully in juvie.

_Gallagher passed out._ I stare at the wall in my cell not moving. _Gallagher passed out._ It was only a few hours ago, but I still can't process it. I had just returned to my cell block when I was pulled aside and told that the boy who came to see me passed out in the lobby and they wanted his name and a phone number of a family member they could call.

I only knew Lip's number. He helped me move some drugs. _Gallagher passed out._ My hands are shaking and I don't know why. I put my face in my hands to try to calm myself down. I can almost hear my heart thudding frantically in my chest.

"Your boyfriend came back," says Travon, giving me a shove. I don't respond. "I thought I warned you the first time what would happen if the little red head returned. You have to learn the hard way, Milkovich."

"Fuck off," I say.

Travon stands behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders. I slap his hands away. He tries to kiss me and I deck him. He gets up and pins me to the wall. His sheer size is enough to keep me at bay, that and the mental image of Gallagher passed out on a cold cement floor have taken away all my will to fight.

"Fuck me," says Travon. He gives me a shove.

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"Is that what the pretty little red head will scream when I sneak into his house and force my cock in him when I get out of here next week? You better respond to me, bitch, or I will cut his pretty little freckled head off."

I bend Travon over the bottom bunk and try to give it to him. I can't. I just can't. _Gallagher passed out._ Before I know it, I'm the one bent over and Travon is pounding me. I close my eyes. _I hope he's okay._

"This isn't fun, I like it more when you put up a fight," says Travon climbing off me. I pull my pants up and sit down on my bed.

"Milkovich," says a woman. She never comes in here. I immediately get up and walk up to the bars. "The brother of the boy who visited you today is on the phone. We're going to let you talk to him, but the call will be monitored."

They open my cell and I walk with them. They don't detain me. There is no reason to. I walk beside the woman; I think her name is Cindy. I don't really fucking care. I am led into a room with yellow painted walls and a desk in the corner with Cindy's name on it. I'm in her office. Cindy picks up the phone and speaks to Lip before handing it over to me.

"Lip," I squeak out. I cough to clear my throat.

"Mickey?"

"Who the fuck else would it be, asshole?"

"I wanted to let you know that Ian's okay. Thank you for giving them my number. Fiona would have thrown a fit and asked a million questions I know Ian doesn't want to answer. Thankfully, Steve doesn't really care so he never asked any. Ian's been under a lot of stress lately what with Monica trying to take Liam away and finding out he's not really Frank's and whatever the fuck happened between the two of you. Take care of yourself in there. Don't drop the soap. Later," says Lip.

I hold the phone in my hand before I hand it back to Cindy. She hands me a ball of some kind and tells me to squeeze it. I throw it against the fucking wall. "Could you move me away from Travon?" I ask.

"We'll put you with someone else tonight and sort it out tomorrow. Mickey, are you okay? Why don't you sit down and I'll get you some ice water while the boys make other arrangements for you?"

I sit in a chair in her office and stare at the wall. _Gallagher passed out. But he's okay. He's stressed out. I didn't know it was that bad. He's always so happy._

"Do you want to talk about it? I can get someone in here," Cindy says.

"He's okay," I breathe out. My heart feels like it's about to climb out my chest.

"The cell is ready, ma'am," says one of the other guards. Cindy nods.

"Come on, Mickey," she says.

Once again I am not detained. I don't have the energy to fight with anyone. The boy they put me with is non-threatening. He's on the opposite side of the cell block as far from Travon as they could get me. I sit down on the bed, turn toward the wall and curl up in a ball.

Cindy sits the cup of ice water beside my bed and exits in my cell. I lie down, pull my blanket up to my chest and shut my eyes tight. I can't imagine what Gallagher is going through. It must be fucking hell for him.

_Travon will not get to him. Fuck if I let that psychotic asshole anywhere near him._

I am rejuvenated in the morning. Gallagher still on my mind, but this time I don't fight it. I let his freckled face control my thoughts. I need the fucking motivation. In the cafeteria I confront Travon. I shove him against a wall and hold a plastic fork to his throat.

"If you lay another fucking finger on me I will jam this in your fucking eye. I ain't your bitch."

Travon tries to fight back, but I am overcome with incredible rage. I hold him to the wall with one hand. His size doesn't even matter. I hold the fork like a shiv ready to stab him if he doesn't cooperate with me.

"I am fucking serious. Oh, and you ain't my bitch either. You stay the fuck away from me and you stay away from the red head."

"Don't want to share his pretty little mouth?" Travon teases. I stab him in the throat with the fork and walk away.

"Milkovich's don't fucking share."


	11. Jailbait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lip steals a car and ends up spending the night in jail with Ian. Officer Tony does his best to get them off.

Sometimes, I really hate Lip. Like tonight when he got us arrested and we have to spend the entire night handcuffed to benches in the police station. I can't even look at him without shaking my head. He has tried to apologize several times.

He KNEW the car Steve gave him was stolen. He knew it. How could he not? That's what Steve does for a living. And we drove it around all day. I'm going to add this to my long list of things that stress me out, because I've had enough of that lately.

"Ian," says Lip.

"I'm not speaking to you," I tell him and stick my chin in the air. I can feel him rolling his eyes. I look at Officer Tony who is being super nice to us tonight. He walks by, ruffles my hair, and goes into his director's office to try to persuade him to get us off the hook.

"They're good kids," Tony says in our defense.

"One of them has a record," says the other man.

"So release the one that doesn't," Tony says looking back at me.

"My hands are tied," he says.

Tony walks back to Fiona. It's nearly four am. I'm exhausted. Lip may have been able to sleep for a little bit, but he can sleep anywhere. I watch Tony's face light up when he talks to Fiona. If she had dated Tony instead of Steve our lives would more boring, but we'd have some security. He's a nice guy, he has a real job, and he knows us. He's from our neighborhood.

"I've got an idea," says Tony marching straight back into his director's office. This time he doesn't ruffle my hair, but he does look at me. I look at his ass as he walks by, it's definitely better than Steve's.

"If we go to jail you're the one they're going to rape," whispers Lip.

"Why would you say something like that?" I ask.

"Because it got you to speak to me," says Lip.

"But why would they rape me over you?" I ask feeling suddenly curious and frightened.

"Well, I'm not the one with the baby-face and freckles. Admit it, Ian, you're a cute guy."

"Did you just tell me I'm cute?"

"You're my brother, dumb-ass, and yes you are. You're jailbait. I'm surprised Kash never went to jail. He broke some sort of law. God, I want to fucking smoke."

"He used to tell me I'm cute," I say.

"He's a creepy bastard," says Lip. "I'm fucking bored."

"Me too," I say, I watch Tony walk by again. I like the little wiggle his hips do when he walks.

"You're checking out Tony? You must be hard up," says Lip.

"He has a nice ass," I say.

When he walks by again Lip looks. I grin from ear to ear. Lip starts laughing and nudges me with his shoulder. It's a game we play for a while. Lip and I discuss police officer ass size, because there is literally nothing else to do.

Tony comes over and kneels in front of me. I look into his eyes to avoid looking anywhere else. He removes our handcuffs and tells us we're free to go. He rubs my hair again, and I smile at him. He made some sort of deal with the director. He gives us both some bottles of water and sends us out to Fiona.

"You, be good," Tony tells me giving my shoulder a squeeze. _He has strong hands._ I look down at his crotch for a second; Lip is shaking his head at me. I embrace Fiona and hold her tight.

I sneak off to my room when we get to go home. Fiona comes in and sits down with me to get me to rat out Steve. I don't. Fiona pulls me in for a hug. Now's the time to tell her, it's now or never. When she gets up to leave, I take a deep breath and go for it.

"Hey, Fiona," I say. She stops. "I'm gay."

"I know," she says. _Am I that obvious?_

"I should have told you sooner."

Fiona sits back down and takes my hand.

"Are you being careful?"

"What like condoms? Um…not so much. I should probably do that."

"Yeah, you should. I'm so glad you finally decided to tell me. I'm so proud of you," she squeaks. How do women do that? "Tell me the truth, were you checking out Tony's ass at the station?"

I grin from ear to ear.

"I knew it!"

Fiona gives me a playful punch before squeezing me again. She laughs and gets up to leave; before she does she tells me I'm on her shit list. That won't last long.

I know Fiona will probably mention to Steve that I came out, if she ever speaks to him again. He did do kind of a shitty thing. I'm not saying she shouldn't forgive him, that's entirely up to her. I'm just saying he did do something really low.

I'm happy I told Fiona. She's my sister, she raised me, and it's good she knows. I hate keeping secrets from my family. I have often wondered if I should tell her about Mickey too. My lips curl up into a smile.

"Thinking about Tony's ass again?" Lip asks sitting down on my bed.

"No. I was thinking about Mickey," I tell him.

"You like him, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"More than Kash?"

"A lot more than Kash."

"Next time you want to go over to that juvenile detention center all you have to do is ask and I will go with you. You don't have to go alone."

"I can't go over there anymore."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Mickey's cell mate wants to fuck me up."

"Why would he want to do that? He doesn't know you."

"I don't know, I didn't really ask Mickey about it. He just warned me not to come back so I told him I wouldn't. He didn't tell me why the guy wanted to kill me."

"Okay, then, what are you going to do until Mickey gets out?"

"I don't know."


	12. Getting More Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey gets a visitor in the pokey, and it's not who he expects.

I have been in this shithole for almost two months. Winter is over and summer is here. We're able to go outside more. I had been given an extra month in this piece of shit place for stabbing Travon again. The first time I stabbed him he got in trouble because Cindy saw him force himself on me the night before. He'll be in this fucking place until he's eighteen.

I haven't seen Gallagher since that day he passed out. He hasn't come back. That's my fucking fault. I told him not to. Mandy sends me girl on girl porn occasionally. I asked for it. I can't even get off to it, but if I asked for what I really wanted then she would know.

I just wanted something to take my mind off Gallagher, anything that would get his freckles and red hair off my mind. I figured a dirty magazine with nothing but chicks would do that, but fuck if that doesn't bring him back into my mind.

The book is lying open on a page with a woman with red hair and huge boobs. I can't stop looking at her hair. The blazing red hair makes me think of Gallagher. Her green eyes make me think of Gallagher. Every fucking thing makes me think of Gallagher.

So I keep the book. I stash it under my pillow. Working out is about the only thing I can do that takes him off my mind for longer than a few seconds. My cell mate is a fat tub of fucking lard that is in for setting his own fucking house on fire because his step dad burned up all his comic books.

"There's a new boy," says the fat fucker.

I end my sit ups and stare at him with my hands wrapped around my knees.

"What?"

"He has red hair."

My heart skips a beat. Don't fucking tell me Gallagher got into trouble and landed in here, it was probably Lip's fault? My heart inflates at the thought that he might be in here. This isn't a good place for him. If he is here, then I know I have to keep him away from Travon.

"How the fuck do you know that?"

"He's right there," Fatty points out.

I stand up, my legs are wobbly. I walk to the bars and look out. The boy definitely has red hair, but he's not Gallagher. I sit back down, no longer interested.

"It's not him," I whisper.

"Who? Oh, your red head? You thought it was Gallagher."

"How the fuck do you know about that?"

"You talk in your sleep and he's the boy who passed out here."

"Does everyone know about that?"

"Oh yeah, he's famous."

"What the fuck are people saying about him?"

"Well, they're saying that he's your bitch and there is a rumor that Gallagher told MiKranz he's your boyfriend. So there is a split. Half the guys think Gallagher was nothing more than a fuck to you and the other half thinks he's actually your boyfriend."

_Fuck._

"What side are you on?"

"You tell me," says Fatty.

"I don't fucking know."

"That's what I thought."

The new red head walks by and my heart deflates. He looks nothing like Gallagher. He's got a long, pointed face, gray eyes, and long red hair like fire down to his shoulders and he's too lanky to be Gallagher.

I sit back and stare at the red haired woman in the magazine. I glance up to see Fatty watching me. I rip the woman out of the magazine and throw it him. He would probably get more use out of it than I will.

"Milkovich, you have a visitor," says a guard opening the cell. My heart swells up and I suddenly feel light. He escorts me down to the visitor room. It's not Gallagher, its Mandy. She smiles at me. My heart deflates and I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

I sit down across from my sister. She picks up the phone and I grab the other line.

"You get out of here soon," she says, "Cindy or whatever the fuck her name is told me. Also, some guards were talking about Ian. They said he passed out. When was Ian here?"

"A couple months ago," I say.

"Why didn't he tell me? That's weird. I never knew you were friends."

_That's not exactly how I would put it._

"He was checking to see if I would press charges against Kash."

"That makes much more sense," says Mandy, "So how are you? Are you someone's bitch yet?"

"Fuck off. Someone tried. He got a fucking fork in his throat."

"That's the guy you stabbed. Ian thought it was about Jell-O."

"It bought me more time stabbing that fucker."

"At least, you know, you weren't fucked up the ass," Mandy says.

"What's new with you?"

"Nothing really, I mostly just hang out with Ian."

I want to ask her how he is. I can't. I grip the phone tighter. I need to know how he is. It's a fucking need.

"How is Gallagher?"

"He's doing okay."

_Okay. I ask how's he's doing and she gives me 'okay'. Fuck._

The buzzer sounds off and Mandy is made to leave. I go back to my cell where Fatty is jerking it to the girl on girl porn. I roll my eyes and sit down on my bed. My time in here is almost served. I'll get to see him soon.

I close my eyes and picture Gallagher in my mind. I let my hands wander as his face fills me up like a balloon. I slide my right hand into my pants. _Gallagher. I'm getting out of here soon._ I throw my head back and bite down on my left knuckle to keep from crying out his name. I learned my lesson the first time.


	13. A Four Inch Summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian's thoughts on Kash leaving.

I had a growth spurt this summer, but after the inches I put on I don't think I'm going to get any taller. Fiona measured me at 5'11. I think I'm stuck there. To go with my new height I began working out more, and my freckles are starting to fade, at least the ones on my face.

I still work in the Kash 'N' Grab. Kash is rarely there these days and when he is a man covered from head to toe in a black burka is always right behind him. They go into the back room the way that he and I used to and the way Mickey and I did.

I'm sweeping the store when burka-man comes in. Kash comes down stairs with a suitcase. He stops and looks at me. Linda is calling for him over the PA. She has pre-eclampsia and is confined to bed until the end of her pregnancy.

"I can't do this, Ian. Just give me a head start."

"You're leaving? What about your family?"

"I can't live like this anymore."

_You always were a fucking pussy._

"What do I tell your kids?"

He doesn't answer. He leaves with burka-man. I can't believe him. He's just like Monica. I sit there and stare at the door after he leaves. "Ian, where's Kash?" Linda asks over the PA. I lock the door much to her annoyance and go upstairs to tell her. She needs to be told in person.

"Kash is gone," I tell her.

"Is he coming back?"

_Fuck you, Kash. You are a fucking pussy._

"I don't think so."

Linda starts crying. I offer to help her run the store. She offers me a raise in return for it.

"If it helps, I think he's a fucking pussy."

"I told you that you could do better," says Linda through sobs.

I leave her to her tears and run the store until closing time. I can't believe Kash. _What did I see in him?_

Lip is waiting to walk me home after work. I lean against him for a second and he pushes me off. I'm taller than he is now, and stronger. Lip puts his arm around me.

"Kash is gone."

"What?"

I go into impressive detail about all of it to him. Lip lights up a cigarette.

"He's a fucking asshole," says Lip, "Remind you of anyone?"

"Monica."

"Are you actually surprised?"

"Not really, no."

"So, I want to try to get back with Karen," Lip says.

I guess I am back to putting antibiotics in his toothpaste again. I don't want to worry about him catching something. Karen Jackson has the sweetest, albeit craziest, mother in the whole neighborhood. Karen takes that for granted. She's a bitch. She fucked Frank, and Lip still wants her.

I once said I couldn't hold Lip's taste in hood girls against him because I was in a sexual relationship with Mickey Milkovich, but I have to hold this hood girl against him. She dyed her hair black, and made a video of her fucking Frank. I saw the damn video. Mandy and I watched it. It was disgusting.

"Mickey gets out soon," says Lip.

Now there is something worth discussing, "Yeah, I know."

"Are you going to pick things up where you left off?"

"I hope so."

"You didn't fuck anyone all summer."

"Nope."

"What? You waited for him?"

"So what if I did?"

"That's loyalty man," says Lip.

Lip and I spot someone trying to break into Sheila's house. It's only Frank. Lip ignores it and we walk on home. He hasn't seen Karen in a while, but I know he doesn't want to go over there while Frank is there.

"I'm going to shower," I tell Lip when we get upstairs. We race to the bathroom. I beat him there and I shut the door behind me. I pick up Lip's toothpaste. He has his own because he got sugar rot and the dentist told him to use a special kind. I add some antibiotics and screw the lid back on. He'll never know. I want my brother to be careful.

I let the warm water fall over me as I think about Mickey. He's getting out soon and I will get to be with him. I close my eyes and image touching him. _Running my fingers through hair, biting on his neck, feeling the growth of his dick beneath my fingers…_ My own dick is hard. I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself. It disgusts me because my sisters use this tub, but I have to do it somewhere.

"Mickey," I moan as I finish. I step away from the drain and let my mess go down it. When it doesn't budge I wipe it up and try to get it off the bottom of the tub before my sisters use this.

"Are you seriously jerking off in there?" Lip asks. I throw back the shower curtain and he's brushing his teeth. Lip and I don't mind sharing a bathroom but a little privacy would be nice.

"I was," I say.

"Clean that shit up, Ian."

"Would you get the fuck out?"

"Clean it up," Lip says.

"I did! Jesus. Get the fuck out."

When I'm done showering I get on my knees and clean the bottom of the tub. It's kind of everywhere. I scrub it until there is nothing left. I'm so tired. Lip leans against the door smoking.

"Is it clean?"

"Yes. Fuck."

"Ladies first, Lip," says Debs bypassing Lip and shutting the door in his face. "Ew, gross. I hate having brothers!" She opens the door, "You are disgusting."

Lip and I burst out laughing. He slaps me in the back of the head, but continues to laugh.

"Sorry, Debs."

"Ugh, I can't believe I live here," She slams the bathroom door.

I lie down on my bed and think about Mickey. I get to see him soon. It's been two months. I should have gone back after that day. I know he told me not to and that's why I stayed away, but I should have gone back. He must have been so lonely.


	14. Seeing You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey gets out of juvie and seeks out an old flame.

I'm getting out today. First Mission: Find Gallagher. Second Mission: Find a fucking job that won't get me killed. Cindy has me in her office signing the papers with my probation officer some woman who never fucking smiles. Not that I give a fucking shit.

"You have two weeks to find a job, Mickey," says my P.O.

"I heard you the first fucking time."

"Would you like to say good-bye to your cell mate?" Cindy asks me.

I nod. Ryan is okay. We're not friends. I don't have any friends. I guess if I had to find a friend I would pick Ryan. He doesn't ask stupid fucking questions, he knows when to shut the hell up, and he's really fucking funny. He tells jokes that blow my fucking mind.

I am walked back to my cell. The door is wide open. Ryan and I are alone. The guards are at both ends of the hall. I'm allowed to leave, he's not. I go in and clap Ryan's hand awkwardly. He tries to smile at me but doesn't quite manage it.

"You're free," says Ryan.

"Unless I do something really fucking stupid," I say.

"In that case, request me as a cell mate. I'll be here until I'm eighteen."

"You're not so bad," I tell him.

"And you're not so scary."

"Well, I should get going," I tell him.

"Yeah, and Mickey," Ryan says touching my hand. Normally I would kill any guy who tried to do that (except Gallagher), but Ryan's intentions are non-threatening. He's just being Ryan. I look right into his eyes. He slides his hand off mine and holds it out in handshake gesture. I shake his hand.

"You're really fucking weird."

"Go find Gallagher," Ryan tells me after the firmest handshake of my life. I release my hand and nod at him.

"First thing I plan to do."

"And send me some porn," Ryan hollers as they close the cell when I leave. I flip him off and he grins.

"Ready, Mickey?" Asks Cindy wearing a smile on her face so big it looks like it could actually swallow her face.

"Why the fuck are you smiling?"

"You'll see," says Cindy as they open the door for me. The other boys are being let into the yard as I am leaving. Outside the gate I spot my sister with some guy…Gallagher?

He looks so different. He's much taller than he was two months ago. He's filled out in the shoulders, and he's muscled. He looks good. _Play it cool._

"What's he doing here?" I ask.

"He wanted to protect me."

I pull my sister into a hug.

"You may think you know my sister. But you don't know my sister until you've fought my sister. She's protecting your ass."

I steal a glance at him. He's taller than me now. He still has that same puppy dog look, and that dumb smile. I force my own smile back. His freckles have begun to fade a little. I roughhouse with my sister for a minute.

"Ow, no titty twisters now that I'm a c-cup," Mandy says.

"C-cup, bitch, you wish."

Before we leave I turn and give all the boys in the yard the finger and yell out "fuck you's" to them. I spot Ryan and give him the biggest "fuck you" I can. He flips me off right back with a smile on his fat face. He nods toward Gallagher. I nod back.

"GALLAGHER!" All the boys begin to chant.

"What?" Gallagher asks. Some of them start whistling at him and others continue to chant his name over and over. When he gives them the finger they cheer. A couple of boys blow him kisses.

"Ignore them, Ian," says Mandy.

"What the fuck, Mickey?" Gallagher asks.

"It's because you passed out. The whole place knows about it. You're famous."

"Hey, pretty boy," says a voice that stabs me right in the heart. Travon is leaning on the fence about six feet away. None of the guards are watching him. I spot Ryan. He's not paying attention. I wish he'd turn his fat fucking face this way and help me. "Yo, Galla-Bitch."

"Me," says Gallagher innocently.

"Yeah, you. Why don't you put your pretty mouth right here?" He grabs his cock. _I'm going cut that thing off and shove it up his ass._

"I don't know what this crazy asshole's problem is but let's get the fuck out of here," Mandy suggests.

"You got a problem, bitch?"

_Oh hell fucking no. You just called the wrong guy's sister a bitch._

"Yeah, I do. I have a problem with creepy assholes who think they can shove their dicks wherever they want. If you go anywhere near Ian I'll cut your fucking cock off," says Mandy.

"After I rape the red head how about I come over and spend some time in you?" Travon says.

"You're welcome to try," says Mandy.

"Is that a threat, bitch?"

"Consider it a warning," says Mandy, "Let's go, Ian."

"That's right, _Ian_ , you better fucking run away. If I see your pretty little face around here again I'm making you my bitch."

I push Mandy and Gallagher through the gate and away from the boy's on the other side of the fence. The boys chant Gallagher as he leaves. He flips them off again and disappears around the corner. I walk up to Travon at the fence.

"Come find me if they ever let you out. We have a score to settle."

"Mickey," yells Gallagher.

"Your bitch is calling."

"I'm _his_ bitch."

"I'll kill you."

"You know where to find me."

Outside the gate, I feel free. Gallagher tries to put his arm around me, but I remove it. I don't want him touching me in public. We look at each other at the same time and get the same idea. If only Mandy wasn't with us.

Gallagher and I somehow end up side by side on the bus, his knees are touching mine and our hips are touching. I feel a powerful heat rising in certain parts of me and I look at his face. He's wearing a stupid smirk, I look down, and we seem to have a similar problem.

Our hands touch by accident and I lose control of my fucking senses. My heart is pounding so hard I can almost fucking hear it, and there is a deep tickling sensation coursing through my body. _I'm fucking losing it. I need to get a grip._


	15. Baseballs In Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey have their first date.

Mickey and I could hardly ride the bus home together without touching. He was practically all over me. I wanted him too right then and there, but we couldn't touch with Mandy there. So that's why we're going out tonight. It's a date. It's our first date.

"Hey," says Mickey waiting for me at the park. We walk together in silence for a while, both of smoking from the same cigarette. Its indirect kissing, but I don't tell Mickey that. I steal a look or two. He hasn't changed much since he went to juvie, only it looks like he's trying to grow facial hair. I like him better clean shaven.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"I'm fuckin' starving," says Mickey.

We grab burgers and eat them outside so no one pays attention to us. I purposely bump his knee with mine, he bumps back. I hide my smile behind my burger and steal peeks at him.

"We should get some beer," says Mickey.

"Okay," I say.

I don't know when we decided to go to the little league field because I was too busy trying not to stare too much at Mickey to hear him make that decision. But here we are. I begin telling him about all the classes I'm taking this summer to try to get into West Point.

Mickey pokes a hole in a beer and we both drink from it. I smile knowing my lips touched the can where his had been. I can barely stop squirming.

"So did you make any friends in juvie?"

"Do you want to chitchat some more or do you want to get on me?" Mickey asks with a smile on his face. I turn him around and breathe in his scent as we get out of our pants.

I go slowly. There is no one here but us. I make each thrust count. Mickey seems to be enjoying himself from all the noises he's making. I stare at his shoulders as I pound into him; I want to kiss them so badly it hurts.

When it's over with I can't stop smiling. Mickey screams out that he's always wanted to do that here ever since he was kicked out of little league. We were on the same team. I had a little crush on him back then.

"That was great."

I start doing chin ups, mostly just to show off to Mickey. He starts doing them do and I watch as his biceps flex. He's been working out a lot.

"Not much to do in the joint but work out," Mickey says.

"You could read."

"Fuck off. I'm fucked for life anyway."

"Want to sneak into the sox game tomorrow?" I ask hoping he'll say yes so we can go on another date.

"Nah, man, I got to get me a job. If I don't get one in two weeks my probation skank is going to do it for me then I'm going to end up losing a fucking limb at the meat packing plant."

I know it's ridiculous but I suggest Mickey come work at the Kash 'N' Grab. We can see each other every day that way and maybe fuck in the backroom when there are no customers in the store.

"Do whatever you want, man, you brought it up."

"Alright," I respond and stare at him.

"You ready to go again or do you need some time, Firecrotch?"

We do it three times in the dugout. The last time Mickey complains about how his ass is going to be sore tomorrow. I can't help but laugh.

"My dick too big for you?"

"Fuck off."

_I want to kiss him so bad. If I tried I wonder if he'd punch me._

"Why are you staring at me?"

"I didn't fuck anyone while you were gone," I tell him as I take his cigarette. I let it linger in my mouth before handing it back to him.

"Yeah, good for you," Mickey says.

"Did you fuck anyone in juvie?"

"Just one," Mickey says.

"Who?"

"I'll give you three guesses," Mickey says avoiding looking at me.

"Travon?"

Mickey is quiet. He doesn't want to talk about it. I have to know. He seems tense.

"He kept talking like he was going to find you and rape you after he got released from juvie if I didn't fuck him."

"You protected me," I say. _God, I want you so bad right now._

"Fuck off, alright. Don't get the wrong fucking idea. You're dating Mandy that puts you in the circle. Milkovich's protect their own."

"Lip's fucking Karen Jackson again," I say knowing he wants to change the subject. He relaxes a bit.

"Didn't she fuck Frank?"

"Yes, that's so gross right?"

"He could get something from her, fucking AIDs or some shit."

"He has shitty taste in hood girls, just like Fiona has shitty taste in men. They're all the same. Carl seems to be the only Gallagher with some taste. He has a thing for Megan Fox. I guess if I was going to go that way she'd be my choice too."

"Nah, man, if I was into girls I'd go for Scarlett Johannson. At least she could kick my ass, plus she looks good as a redhead."

"I could see that. Her kicking your ass I mean," I say shoving him with my shoulder. _He likes redheads?_

"Fuck off, asshole."

"Are we going to fuck again or just sit here?" I ask.

"Do you ever run out of energy? You're like that fucking bunny with the drums."

"The Energizer Bunny?"

"Yeah him," says Mickey.

"So are we going to fuck again?"

Mickey smiles at me and starts taking off his pants. I follow suit. We go again as the sprinklers spray the baseball field. I look up at the stars as I do him. I want to be able to remember this night. I want to remember what the sky looked like.

_This is the best date I've ever been on._


	16. A Day's Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey's first day of work.

I can't get last night out of my head. We fucked four times. I can barely walk today. When I got up this morning I had to break into a swagger to hide the fact that I've had a huge fucking dick up my ass. It's my first day working a real fucking job.

Gallagher got me a job at Kash 'N' Grab on security. It's my job to make sure no one fucking steals. I've stopped three children from pocketing candy already. Gallagher would sit behind the register or stock shelves. Sometimes I would help him if I felt like being nice.

I thought this job would come with more opportunities for us to fuck. He hasn't suggested anything yet. I keep looking over at him hoping he'll know that I want to. He won't look up at me.

I stand by the register flipping through a magazine while some muscle bound, Dorito-shaped fuckhead flirts with Gallagher. I flip the page of the magazine without even reading it just to make noise.

"So, is that your natural hair color?" The guy asks. He leans over and flexes his stupid muscles.

"Yes."

"I like it. Red suits you."

_Is this guy fucking serious?_

"Thanks. Are you going to buy something?" Gallagher asks.

"Yeah, you a drink hopefully," he says.

"Okay, shithead, if you don't buy you don't stay. No fucking loitering," I tell him.

He grabs a pack of gum and continues to lean on the counter in front of Gallagher. When Gallagher hands him his change he touches his arm. He caresses it like he's fucking petting him.

"So um…do you want to go out sometime?" He asks.

"You're pressing your luck here, pal. Get the fuck out of the store."

"Stop cockblocking me, man."

I grab the dumb asshole by his stupid shirt collar and force him out of the store. He comes back in. _This fucking guy has a lot of nerve. I have to give him credit._

"One second. Here, my name is Adam," He slides Gallagher something, probably his fucking phone number. "I'd like to take you out."

"I'll give you a call," Gallagher says.

"What's your name?"

"Ian," says Gallagher.

"Cool, see you later."

Gallagher throws his number in the trash.

"What the hell was that?" He asks smiling. "Was he serious? I wouldn't go for a guy like that. He's far too stupid. He was ripped to hell though."

"He was shaped like a fucking Dorito. Do you dig guys shaped like snack chips?"

"Oh fuck it's Frank," says Gallagher before he can answer my question.

"Ian," says Frank. He mumbles about something stupid. I don't even fucking know. Gallagher looks annoyed by him.

"Put this on Dottie's account," says Frank.

"We don't have accounts here, Frank," says Gallagher.

"Why don't you check your pockets again?" I ask Frank before he can get past me. No one will get past me. Frank pulls out a twenty and slaps it on the counter. I let him pass.

"That the kind of leadership you plan on bringing to the army?"

"Said last night's bottom," says Gallagher.

"Whatever. Liking what I like don't make me a bitch," I say. I flip over a page in a magazine and steal a look at him. He walks around the counter and locks the door. I smile and follow him back to the coolers. Why we fucking do it in a cooler when they have a back room is beyond me but I'm not fucking complaining.

"I want to do something," says Ian, "Just trust me."

"You better not fucking kiss me," I argue.

"I think you'll like this better."

Gallagher gets on his knees and jerks my pants down. _I like where this is going._ His hair is too short for me to grab while he sucks me off so I grab onto the shelf next to me. _He's really good at this._ Gallagher finishes me off and I clean up and zip my pants.

"Thought we'd do something different to give your ass a rest," says Gallagher with a stupid grin on his face.

"If your dick wasn't so fucking big we wouldn't have a problem," I tell him.

"You think I have a big dick?"

"It's like this long, man," I say holding out my hands the length of his shaft. He slaps me in the chest playfully. I chase him back to the counter. He unlocks the door so we can get customers again.

"Well, yours is like this," Ian says spacing out his thumb and index finger three inches with a huge fucking smile on his face.

"Fuck you. It's bigger than that."

"So, um…do you want to do something after work?" Ian asks, leaning forward and flexing his muscles. He tries to be discreet but I notice.

"What did you have in mind?"

"Kev has been growing a lot of weed with Ethel. I doubt he'd notice if we stole some and smoked it under the L together."

_That sounds like a fucking date to me. What does he want to hold hands and go to movies together or some shit? He really wants to do this. Fuck._

"Sure, whatever," I say and watch him smile. _I'm a fucking pussy._

"Yeah? Okay, do you want to bring beer or something?" He's suddenly nervous. Gallagher knocks something off the register in his excitement and I notice his cheeks turning very red.

"Nah, the pot is fine."

A customer walks in and I put some distance between us. Gallagher is still blushing, but I doubt the customer notices. She grabs some eggs and butter from a cooler. I pretend to be taking inventory of our candy.

"Are you Lip's brother?" She asks.

"Yes," says Gallagher.

"Tell him his brother is way hotter than him," she says as she takes her change and leaves. She winks at him.

"That's twice you've been hit on today," I mention casually.

"Will you two just fuck already?" says Linda on the intercom. "This foreplay is like watching really shitty porn. You're not fooling anyone. Just try not to fuck in my store."

Now Gallagher is really blushing. I never thought his face would ever match his hair, but I was proven wrong.


	17. Midnight Dates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey go on a real date.

I asked Mickey out on a date and he fucking said yes. I'm higher than a fucking kite and I haven't even smoked any of the pot yet. I just spent two hours picking out what I'm going to wear. Lip is sitting on the edge of his bunk bed smoking a cigarette and giving me thumbs up or thumbs down on outfit options.

"So you asked him on a date?"

"Mmhmm, and he said yes. Can you believe it?"

"No, I really fucking can't. But I have some pot for you. Just don't tell Kev."

"How about this one?" I hold up a plaid shirt. Lip gives me thumbs up.

"At least wear a condom. You don't know where he's been."

_I could say the same thing about Karen._

"Hey," says Fiona coming into our room. "Got a hot date?"

"Yes," I say smiling. I am bursting to tell her, but I know I can't.

"Who is it?"

"I can't say. He's not out."

"It's awfully late to be going out."

"It's summer."

"I know, but I worry. I kind of like you," she says slapping me on the shoulder.

"I'll probably be out until two."

"1:30 and you have a deal."

Lip is rolling his eyes at the huge fucking smile plastered on my face. I can't help how I feel. I have no idea what time it is, and I don't want to keep Mickey waiting so I finally decide on the plaid. Fiona approves and gives me a semi-awkward sex talk that she used on Carl only changed it to be about gay sex. She seems just as uncomfortable as I am.

"Here," she says, handing me a condom.

"What do you think is going to happen on this date?" I ask her, even though I know exactly what's going to happen. She gives me a smack on the ass and makes me promise to "introduce" her to my new boyfriend when he finally does come out.

Mickey is sitting on top of one of the old cars under the L when I finally arrive. He's wearing a collared shirt, but it doesn't look like he was trying too hard, but he at least made an effort. He looks nice though. He has a six pack of beer sitting next to him. He cracked one open already. I snatch it and take a drink. He doesn't mind.

"Didn't think you'd show," Mickey says taking a joint and lighting it.

"I invited you; it would be pretty shitty of me not to come."

We sit in silence for a while and pass a joint back and forth. I can't stop myself looking at Mickey's "Fuck" hand. I inch my left hand toward his right slowly. My hand rests on top of his, I expect him to pull away. He doesn't. He doesn't look at me either. I flip his hand over and interlock our fingers. He looks at me, I smile at him. He doesn't take his hand out of mine.

_We're holding hands. Okay, relax, Ian. It's just handholding._

"If you tell anyone about this I'll kill you," says Mickey after several minutes of silence, but he still doesn't release my hand.

"I won't." _Yeah, right, I'm so telling Lip everything._

"Are we going to fuck?" Mickey asks.

"Where?"

Mickey looks around and smirks at me, "You know, we've never done it in a car."

I smile and we both climb in the backseat of the car we're sitting on. It takes less time to get Mickey out of his clothes than it did for me to hold his hand. I try to use the condom Fiona gave me but Mickey swats it away.

"They feel fucking weird," says Mickey.

We go at it harder than we have before, because we have all the time in the world and we're in an abandoned car. We can be as loud as want because the sound of the L going by above us drowns out any noises we make. I bite down on Mickey's shoulder when I release inside him.

"Sorry," I say.

"That's going to leave a mark isn't it?" Mickey asks.

"Probably," I say.

Mickey and I sit back on the car again in our same spots. I hold his hand again. He doesn't budge. I take the joint he's been smoking on with my free hand. I'm not letting go until we leave.

"Why did you toss out that dumb asshole's number?"

"I didn't need it."

"Why?"

 _Because I have a boyfriend,_ I want to say, but instead I go with, "Because he's not my type."

"You could have used him for a quick fuck."

"He'd probably be a lousy lay."

Mickey doesn't say anything for a while after that. He continues to hold my hand as we sit in silence side by side on the hood of the car. At quarter after one I let go of his hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Mickey asks.

"I promised Fiona I'd be home by 1:30."

Mickey jumps down from the car. He starts walking towards my house. I follow him. We walk the same pace even though my legs are longer than his. He doesn't slow down. He doesn't speak to me. We just walk.

"Kev grew some good pot," says Mickey when we stop walking outside my house. I face him. He isn't looking at me.

"Yeah, he did."

"See ya tomorrow," says Mickey.

He leaves. I linger on the porch and watch him walk away. He doesn't turn around, but somehow he knows I'm there because he gives me the finger.

Fiona and V are waiting up for me. V is probably waiting for Kev to close up and come home, but she is sitting on the sofa watching TV with Fiona. She turns off the TV when I come in.

"Holy shit, Ian," says Fiona.

"What?"

"You reek of pot."

"I know. Me and Mi—My date got high under the L," I say.

"Boy, you have stars in your eyes," says V with a smile.

I sit down between them and let a smile form on my face. V shoves me playfully. Fiona is tickling me for details.

"I'm so into him," I confess. I wish I could tell them everything.

"That's obvious," says V.

"Could you give us a hint at who he is?" Fiona asks.

"No. I promised him I wouldn't tell."

"Do we know him?" V asks.

"Yes."

"That really narrows it down," says V sarcastically.

"I'm going to bed," I tell them.

"Good night," says Fiona.

"Good night, handsome," says V. I give both of them kisses.

Lip is asleep when I get upstairs. I'll tell him about my night in the morning. Right now I just want to dream about going on more dates with Mickey.


	18. Playlists and Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey can't deal with his feelings, so he makes a playlist to explain it.

Gallagher rocked my fucking world in the back seat of that car last night. We'd never fucked like that before. I guess that was his thank you for letting him hold my hand. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There are worse things.

He had soft hands like a girl's. You'd think someone with ROTC training would have hard, tough, skin on their hands, but Gallgher's hands are soft and freckled. _How the fuck are his hands freckled?_ His hands are bigger than mine.

"What's wrong with you?" Mandy asks at breakfast.

"What do you mean?"

"You're walking like you have a stick up your ass? Been riding horses or something?"

"Nah, I just changed my walk."

"People don't just change their walks."

"Fuck you, I changed mine."

"Whatever."

"And where the fuck would I find a fucking horse?"

She's not wrong. I do walk like I've had something up my ass. It's not something to get over so easily. I stare at her for a moment. Mandy would understand if I told her. I bite my lip. _I'm such a fucking pussy._

"I fucked someone."

"I figured that. What kind of girl was this?" Mandy asks.

_It wasn't a girl._

"It's not important."

"You really like this girl, Mick. I've never seen you this soft before."

"I'm not fucking soft."

"That's why you've been acting so fucking weird. You've got it bad."

_I don't have anything bad. As batty Sheila said it's a crush, it'll pass. I hope._

"What do I do?"

"You could tell her."

"Fuck that shit."

"Make her a playlist."

"What?"

"Well, you could make a list of songs that make you think of her and put them on a CD and give it to her. I have some blank CDs in my room that I stole from Wal-Mart."

"How the fuck will that help?

"It will tell her you like her without telling her you like her, shithead."

_She expects me to make Gallagher a fucking playlist? This is something boyfriends and girlfriends do, not fuck buddies. That's it. That's what we are. We're fuck buddies._

"Can I borrow the laptop?" I ask. Mandy brings me everything I need from her bedroom. _I can't believe I'm fucking doing this._ I shut the door to my bedroom and put a chair under it so no one comes in. I put my headphones on and put the blank CD in the computer. _Mandy has shitty taste in music. N'Sync, what the fuck?_

Nothing on here makes me think of Gallagher. That's not true. Everything makes me think of Gallagher all the time. I lean back on my bed and pick one of the songs and listen to it. I close my eyes and picture him doing what the lyrics of the song suggest. I add that song to the list.

I end up with twelve songs. I should add a few more. Mandy has a couple of bands that I actually like so I throw some songs on there just because I like them. I finish the CD with eighteen songs and I burn them to it.

I consider writing "Gallagher" on the top, but that would be a dead giveaway and there is no way to convince Mandy I'd been fucking Fiona. So I leave the CD title blank. I give Mandy her stupid computer back.

"Where are you going?" Mandy asks.

"To deliver the fucking CD. I can't believe I even fucking made it."

"Pick up some candy too. Girls love that romantic shit."

 _Jesus Fucking Christ. I have to get candy now?_ My shift at Kash 'N' Grab starts in half an hour. Gallagher will probably be there early. He as a strong work ethic. Don't know where that fucking came from. Frank hasn't worked a day in his life. I go to a local gas station to buy some fucking candy. I don't even know what the fuck he likes. _What am I even doing?_ I leave without getting any candy. _This is fucking stupid._

Gallagher greets me with a huge fucking smile when I get to work. He's always fucking smiling, but today it seems different.

"I had a really good time last night," says Gallagher.

"Here. Don't think anything of it. It's not a big fucking deal."

"You made this for me?" Gallagher asks.

_What the fuck have I done?_

"Don't make a big fucking deal about this."

He's staring at me like he wants to fucking kiss me. No. I draw the line at kissing. It's not going to fucking happen. But he has a powerful look in his eye right now. I will punch him in the fucking face if he tries to kiss me.

"Do I need to turn a hose on you?" Linda asks over the intercom and I jump about a mile. Gallagher is still fucking smiling, but not with his mouth, he's smiling with his eyes. How the fuck does he do that?

"So Lip is working on getting me into West Point," Gallagher says to lighten the mood. He's usually good for that. I relax and lean on the counter. "He's meeting with a soldier."

"Your family is way too fucking close."

"Lip's my best friend."

"I thought Mandy was your best friend," I say a little harsher than I mean to. I am slightly offended.

"She is. I can have more than one best friend. Who's your best friend?"

"I don't have one."

"Do you even have any friends?"

"Yes. Ryan is my friend."

"Who?"

_What was that fat fucker's last name?_

"He was my cellmate in Juvie. We kind of bonded. Isn't that what friends do? He's the only person I've ever really considered my friend."

"So I'm not your fucking friend then? What the fuck am I, Mickey?" Gallagher asks. He snaps. The smile is gone off his face.

"Gallagher," I say. He heads to the back room and comes out with some boxes. He starts stocking shelves and avoiding me. I try to help him but he pushes me back. "Gallagher." He won't even look at me. He rips open the box of Cheerios and starts stocking them on the shelf making as much noise as he could every time I try to open my mouth.

_I fucked up._


	19. Pregnant Teens and Drama Queens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian listens to Mickey's playlist.

I haven't spoken to Mickey in almost a week even though we see each other at work every day. He tries to speak to me, but I ignore him. I'm still mad.

I'm getting ready to get in the pool in the backyard with Debbie and helping her babysit some neighborhood kids to earn some money.

"Why are you so angry?" Debbie asks me as she rubs sun block on my back.

"I don't want to talk about it, Debs," I tell her.

"Did you fight with Mandy?"

"Something like that." She rubs the sun block on my shoulders and down my arms and legs. I am a redhead I burn like a vampire in the sunlight.

"I'm going to do your stomach," Debbie says. She is standing on a chair to be of a height with me. I let her poke my abs with her index finger. She starts to tickle me. I swat at her hands.

"Just rub the lotion in," I tell her.

"Almost done, are you going to break up?"

"What?"

"Are you going to break up with Mandy?"

I hadn't actually thought that far ahead. I was so mad at Mickey for what he said I hadn't considered what I would do after that. Lip arrives at the pool looking frustrated. It was only yesterday Karen showed up, punched him in the face, and announced she was pregnant.

I'm not 100% convinced it's Lip's but he seems to think it is. Debbie finishes covering me from head to toe with sunscreen and I'm ready to get in the pool. It feels good in the water. I help Debbie and some of the kids in.

"CANNONBALL!" Yells Carl. I look around for my brother and spot him on the second floor staircase. He jumps off and lands in the pool. He could have missed and been seriously injured. Carl has had more injuries than the rest of us combined.

"CARL!" Debbie shouts. "Lip, he's going to get hurt. Fiona won't be happy."

"We can blame it on Frank," I suggest. Debbie laughs.

"Ian, can I talk to you for a minute?" Lip says.

I get out of the pool and follow my brother to a spot of out ear shot of Debbie and Carl.

"Do you have any money?"

"Twenty bucks. I gave the rest to Fiona. Why?"

"I just need it for something. I'll tell you about it later."

"Does this have anything to do with Karen Jackson?" I ask getting in Lip's face.

"Why do you hate her?"

"Why don't you? She fucked Frank and you still want her."

"Don't fucking judge me while you're fucking Mickey Milkovich."

I stomp off before I throw a punch. I came outside to swim in the pool with Debbie and Carl and the little kids they babysit. I don't need this. Lip goes inside and I hear the door slam. We haven't been getting a long much lately, mostly because I'm upset over Mickey and he's upset over Karen.

"Why is Mickey Milkovich here?" Carl asks.

"What?" I ask turning my head around. Mickey is walking this way. I get out of the pool.

"Need me to get the bat? I've got your back."

"Thanks, but no."

"Give me the signal if you need backup," says Carl.

"What do you want, Mickey?" I ask him well out of ear shot of Debbie and Carl who I know are watching us even if they can't hear us.

"You're still mad at me?"

"What do you think?"

Mickey is quiet for a moment. I consider going back into the pool.

"Did you listen to that CD I made?" Mickey asks.

"No. I was too angry."

"What do you want from me?"

"You're fucking stupid," I say.

"Say that again and I'm going to kick your fucking ass," Mickey says getting in my face.

"It's funny; you'll only look me in the eyes when you want to beat the shit out of me. Go on, fucking hit me!"

"Why are you so mad at me?"

"Do you even fucking care?"

"Listen to the CD."

"Why?"

"Just fucking listen to it, okay?"

"If I say yes will you leave?"

He doesn't speak or budge. When I turn around Carl is holding the bat in his hand. I pat him on the head.

"Fine, I'll fucking leave. Just listen to it."

I give Mickey the finger. Carl threatens him with the bat. I know Mickey isn't actually scared of Carl but he humors him. Carl thinks he's protecting me. I can't help but admire his efforts.

I go back inside the house to find the stupid CD Mickey made for me. I put it in the stereo in the living room and the first song that plays is a song by N'Sync. _What the fuck, Mickey?_ Is it because I like Justin Timberlake? How did he know? The second song is by Papa Roach. It's called "No Matter What" I sit down on the couch and really listen to it.

I listen to the whole CD once through but go back to track 2 afterwards. That's the song Mickey wanted me to hear, I just know it is. That's why he came over here to make sure I heard it.

"Ian," shouts Debbie from the pool. I shut off the stereo and head back to the pool. I make a splash and Debbie and the little kids laugh at me. I put Debbie on my shoulders so she can wrestle Carl who is sitting on Kev's shoulders. He must have joined them when I was listening to Mickey's CD.

"Come on, Debs, knock him down," I shout.

She pulls Carl off Kev's shoulders and goes down with him. I catch her in an awkward position and we both laugh. Debbie tries to push me under the water.

"I think you should make up with Mandy," says Debbie when I come back up from underwater.

"What?"

"That's why Mickey came over here right? To tell you to make up with Mandy?"

"Yeah, Debs," I tell her.

 _Why did he give me the CD? Does he like me? What does it mean?_ Lip would know what it means. He always knows. But he's pissed at me. I guess I could talk to Kev. I need to know what the CD means.


	20. I Fucked Everything Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey apologizes to Ian.

Gallagher is mad at me. _Fuck._ I'm such a fucking idiot. Of course he's my friend. _I should have just fucking said that. I'm a fucking pussy._ Would it have killed me to admit that he's my friend? Now he won't talk to me.

"Why the fuck are you sulking?"

"Go away," I tell Mandy.

"Did she dump you?"

"Yes, now go away."

"Sorry," Mandy says.

_How could Gallagher dump me when we're not actually together? That would imply that I'm gay. I am not gay. I just know what I like. I like fucking Gallagher. That doesn't make me fucking gay._

I fucked everything up. He's angry with me and I can't get him to fucking talk to me. I am hesitant about going to work today. Gallagher had a day off yesterday so Linda made me run the fucking register. It was lonely.

But he's back today. I arrive early. I wanted to make sure I got here before him. I place a box of candy on the register where he will be able to see it. _This is kind of gay._ But I have to apologize and I know _Reese's Pieces_ are the way to go.

"What the fuck?" Gallagher asks when he spots the candy. He looks at me.

"It's for you," I say.

"I don't want anything from you."

Gallagher throws the box at me. I catch it before it hits me in the face. He gets out the fucking broom and begins sweeping the store. I grab the broom from him.

"Let go, Mickey," says Gallagher.

"Not until you fucking forgive me."

"You fucking sweep then," says Gallagher moving on to slicing fucking deli meats. _He's going to cut his fucking hand off._

"You can't avoid me forever," I say.

"That's what you think."

"Did you listen to the CD?"

"Yes."

_He hated it. That's why he's still mad. Fuck._

"What did you think?"

"Do you like me?"

_The CD was supposed to answer that question so I wouldn't have to. I'm going to fucking kill Mandy. She knew this would fucking happen._

"What are you asking stupid fucking questions for?"

"Because I thought maybe I was more than just a fuck to you, but according to you I'm not even your friend."

"Excuse me, can I get some service?" Asks a woman who I didn't even know was in the store.

"Fuck off," I holler. Gallagher walks to the register and rings her up then he sits there with a blank look on his face. "You're my friend. How could you fucking not be?"

He leans in. I have his attention. He stares at me with those puppy eyes again and I want to stop and shut down, but he needs to hear this.

"That's it?"

"I have never been very fucking social. I'm not likable. I don't like to hang out. I'm not the 'let's go do stuff kind of guy.' I'm a loner. I always have been. Until you came along the only person I spoke to on a regular basis was Mandy. She's always been my only friend. Now I have you." _And fat ass Ryan._

"I'll take the candy now?" Gallagher says.

I put the box on the counter but don't take my hand off it.

"Am I forgiven?"

"You're on probation," He says with a wink. I release the candy to him.

"Are we going to fuck?"

"Don't push it."

I am just happy he spoke to me again.

"What was your favorite song?" Gallagher asks.

"What?"

"On the CD, what song was your favorite?"

"I don't even fucking know. I chose some I liked." _They all made me think of you._

"Oh," says Gallagher.

"It was really hard to decide," I add in case he has doubts about the CD.

"I could see that. There were some good ones on there. Hey, do you mind if I make you one?"

"Make me a CD?"

"Mmhmm."

"Do whatever you want, man."

"I have some great music that I think you'll like, and if you don't that's okay too. Hey, how did you know to put N'Sync on there?"

"What?"

"Did Mandy tell you my sexual awakening was Justin Timberlake?"

_What the fuck are we even talking about? Who the fuck is Justin Timberlake? Is he in that stupid gay band N'Sync?_

"No. I just thought you might like it." _What am I even saying? This is fucking weird._ "Your sexual awakening?" I repeat to try to finally catch up with that random train of thought. I missed the train by a couple of stops. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"When I realized the thing between my legs had another purpose besides pissing," Gallagher says. "Justin Timberlake got its attention."

"How old were you?"

"I think I was ten. How old were you?" He asks.

"I don't even fucking know." _How old was I when I got my first boner? Who the fuck remembers shit like that?_

We go back to work. Well, Gallagher works, I mostly chew gum and read magazines all day until some stupid kid tries to pocket something or Frank comes in to try to steal Old Style and cigarettes or buy drugs off me.

But Gallagher and I don't fuck. I don't bring it up. I hear a crunch and look up to see Gallagher eating his _Reese's Pieces_. He eats the whole box in an hour. _So he likes chocolate and peanut butter?_

"So was towel-head the only other person you've fucked?"

"No. There was one before Kash."

_What? Who the fuck would that be?_

"Just one?"

"Yeah. It was a long time ago. Not really a long time ago more like a couple years. He doesn't live around here anymore. He moved to Indiana."

"Who was it?" He shuts his mouth and smirks at me. "What?"

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

"Fuck off, I don't want to know that badly."

Gallagher shrugs and snatches my magazine. He starts reading an article about some celebrity couple and ignores me completely.

"Alright. I'll tell you."

"Roger Spikey," says Gallagher.

_Why does that name sound familiar? Wait, the guy who was rumored to have a donkey dick? Gallagher fucked him?_

"Did you top?"

"Nope. Your turn."

"Karen Jackson."

Gallagher laughs.

"Seriously?"

"Who hasn't she fucked?"

"Who was your first guy?"

_I knew he was going to ask me this. I fucking knew it. What am I supposed to say? Admitting there was someone before him would be admitting I am gay. I'm not gay._

"Don't remember," I say.

"How can you not remember? That's okay. You don't have to tell me. I still think it's gross you fucked Karen Jackson."

"We were thirteen."

"Jesus, Mickey."


	21. Dangerous Territory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian puts himself in danger when he walks in on a very dangerous drug deal.

"Hey, Fiona, can we talk?" She's sitting on her bed distressed over something Steve did. I would ask but she doesn't look like she wants to talk about Steve. She calls him six times a day to yell "Fuck you" into his phone.

"Yeah, have a seat." She pats the spot next to her. I sit down and she gives me a cigarette. "What's on your mind?"

"How do I get a boy to kiss me?"

"Your new boyfriend won't kiss you?"

I shake my head. "I'm not even sure if he likes me. It's complicated."

"Sounds like it."

"So what do I do?"

"I never thought I'd have to talk about boys with one of my brothers. Have you tried kissing him?"

"Won't work," I say. I stop there to let her know I am not at liberty to discuss why.

"Okay, try licking your lips when you know he's looking at you. It will draw attention to your mouth. You could eat something in front of him and hold it on your lips longer than usual. I don't know, Ian. I've never really had this problem."

"Thanks," I say, "I'm sure whatever this is with Steve will get better."

"Doubt it. Gallagher's aren't so lucky in love."

"Tell me about it."

I leave her to her moping. Debbie and Carl are playing with Liam in the hallway. They're too young to talk to about this. I am still mad at Lip. He's still mad at me so that rules him out. I could talk to Mandy but she always asks me about the guy and one day I'm probably going to end up telling her because I hate keeping it a secret.

I have the day off and I have no idea what to do about this. I want Mickey to kiss me. _I need Mickey to kiss me._ I could talk to V. She's always good for some advice. But then again, maybe Kev would be better to talk to.

I haven't spoken to either of them much since their foster child ran away. It would be best for me to leave them alone. I walk down the street toward the bad neighborhood hoping to find a way to convince Mickey that he should kiss me. It needs to be his idea. He won't do it otherwise.

I bump into Officer Tony getting ice cream at the park. He seems to be on break. He's standing beside the ice cream truck counting his money.

"Hey, Ian, want some ice cream?"

I nod. "Two chocolates," says Tony.

"Thanks," I say when he hands me a cone. We sit down on a bench together. I take a moment to stare at his crotch.

"What's on your mind?"

"How do you know I have something on my mind?"

"I know you," says Tony.

"Maybe you can help me," I say. Tony's a long shot but why the hell not?

"What's up, Ian? Are you in trouble?"

"No. I just want to know how to get a boy to kiss me."

"I'm probably not the best person to ask."

"You're a man. You've kissed women. What makes you want to kiss them?"

Tony gives me a sappy romantic sonnet about women's lips. I almost fall asleep listening to it, if he didn't look so damn good in his uniform I probably would have. At least I can stare at him while he bores me to tears.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I sort of have a boyfriend and he won't kiss me. He'll do other stuff, but not that. He thinks it's too gay."

"Have you tried directly asking him to kiss you? Try kissing him. If that doesn't work then break it off. You want something he won't give you. I have to get back to work. I'll see you later, Ian. And don't stay around here too long this isn't a safe place."

"Thanks," I say.

I watch Tony walk away. His ass is his best feature. I suppose the only person left to talk to is Mickey. I've only just forgiven him over the whole friend thing. I guess it was a stupid thing to get mad over, in hindsight.

Mickey is doing a drug deal in the roughest part of the neighborhood when I find him. He has a gun on him. I get stares from several guys as I walk down the street. _This might have been a terrible idea._ Mickey spots me and does a double take.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing here?" He asks angrily.

"Who is this fucker? Is he going to rat us out to the cops?" asks the man Mickey was selling drugs to. He pulls a gun on me. I put my hands up. Mickey pulls out his gun and pushes me behind him with one hand.

"He's with me."

"Man, too many fucking white boys in here," he says as he throws Mickey the money, puts his gun away and walks away with a swagger in his movements. "You keep your mouth shut, Red."

"I thought he was going to shoot me," I say with adrenaline pumping.

"He was going to shoot you. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"Does this look like the best fucking place for that?"

"I've been here before with Lip. We used to come here looking for Frank back when we gave a shit."

"I don't know what to do with you."

He walks in front of me. When I don't follow he stops. I catch up to him. He keeps his gun where he can reach it and keeps me close. I like him protecting me. It's nice. I reach for his hand. He won't take it, but he touches it with the back of his own.

"I am working on your playlist," I tell him.

"Would you shut the fuck up?"

"Sorry," I say. The same guys who were staring at me before are still staring. One of them puts his hand on his hip. He has a gun. They all do, probably several. I stay close to Mickey. _This was a bad idea._

"Don't talk again until we're out of this area," Mickey whispers. I keep my mouth shut. Mickey knows what he's doing. Even though we're in dangerous territory I feel safe. I see a cop car zing past us with its sirens on. It's Tony's car, I recognize the number.

He doesn't stop. He knows if he does it will draw even more attention to us. Mickey pushes me in front of him and I keep moving. We walk. We don't run. We keep our faces forward and don't look around too much. I do what Mickey does.

When it's safe Mickey shoves me against a wall. "You could have gotten yourself killed back there. What the fuck were you thinking? Don't follow me on any more of my drug deals."

Mickey is staring at me intently. I lean in and come close to his mouth. He pushes me back with his "U-up" hand and I nearly hit the wall.

"Don't even think about it. I'm too fucking mad. Go the fuck home." I stop trying to kiss him and look at him. He's red in the face and shaken up. He can't stand still. He's very alert and still clutching his gun.

He releases his grip on me. He won't look at me anymore. He pushes me in the direction of my house. When I don't budge he pushes me harder. "Go home, Ian. Fuck."

_He called me Ian._

 


	22. Because of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian get caught by Frank. Mickey ends up back in juvie.

He almost fucking got himself killed. Who the fuck comes into the middle of a drug deal unarmed? I had to protect his freckled ass. What the fuck is wrong with him? That guy had a gun pointed at him. He's one of my regulars. He would have shot him if I hadn't stepped in.

What if I hadn't been there and he came looking for me? They would have definitely killed him. An unarmed white boy entering the worst part of Chicago in the middle of the day who isn't a cop or a crack head spells dead meat.

I'm glad I was there. I'm glad my gun was loaded. I'm glad I didn't have to shoot anyone. Fuck. He's not only going to get himself killed he's going to get me killed. Here I am feeling fucking awful for making him mad then he goes and puts himself in danger.

I can barely stand to look at him without feeling anxious. I feel like someone's going to burst in that door any minute and pull a gun on him. Linda still has the gun behind the counter. If someone does try something hopefully he'll think to fucking grab it.

The door swings open and my heart lodges in my chest. It's only Officer Tony. He doesn't really look at me. We're not exactly best friends. I've seen the backseat of his squad car one too many times.

"Hey, Ian," says Tony.

"Tony," says Gallagher. He seems to be staring at Officer Tony a lot. _He's not that good looking._ The door opens again. My heart tightens in my chest. It's only a woman and small child.

"What the fuck were you doing in that neighborhood yesterday?"

"I was meeting up with Mickey," says Gallagher.

"After we got ice cream, I told you not to stay. You disobeyed me."

_They got ice cream together? That sounds like a date._

"Relax. I wasn't hurt."

"But you could have been. You know where I was going when I passed you two on the street? There was a drive by. Those places are dangerous, Ian."

"Did you come in here to lecture me?"

"No. I actually came into to ask you if you found an answer to your question. The lecture just kind of flew out of my mouth."

"Well I didn't. I decided not to worry about it right now."

"Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help you. And stay out of those areas, Ian. I don't want to want to make that visit to Fiona."

"Got it," says Gallagher.

I watch his eyes lock on to Tony's ass as he leaves the store. Gallagher sighs and rings up the woman and her damn brat who keeps trying to pocket Tootsie Rolls. I let him sneak one. I put my finger to my lips and he smiles.

"He's right," I say when they're gone. Gallagher by passes me and locks the door behind them. He takes my hand and leads me to the coolers. _I know where this is going._ He starts stripping me and before I can stop myself I am helping him out of his clothes. "Wait. I need to talk to you."

"It can wait."

"No it fucking can't. We've been doing things your way this whole fucking time. Stop for just one fucking second and listen to me."

"I'm listening."

"You can't go putting yourself in danger like that, Gallagher. What if I wasn't there to protect you? You would have died. Are you even fucking listening to me?"

"Forgive me for wanting to see you yesterday."

"Don't you fucking dare turn this around. I'm supposed to be mad at you."

"I can make it up to you," Gallagher says grabbing me and turning me around. I let him have his way. _God, it feels good._ We haven't fucked in over week. His hands feel soft against my hips. I respond to him and give in to him.

"Hello, boys," says Frank Gallagher staring at us.

"Fuck," I put on all my clothes. _He has to ruin everything._

Frank takes money out of the register. He leaves and I look at Gallagher. He's wearing a puppy look on his face. How the fuck is he so calm about this? First he nearly dies then his fucking father walks in on us. _Worst fucking week of my life._

"Fuck. We gotta kill him." A woman knocks on the store door. "Fuck off. No one will miss him anyway. We shoot him in the head and dump him in the river."

"He has a lousy short term memory. He's probably forgotten already."

"We can't chance that."

"I'll talk to him."

"Cut his hands off, pull his teeth. He can't even be identified."

"Don't worry about it, Mickey. He won't tell."

But I am fucking worried. What if my dad finds out? He will actually kill me. I have to find Frank and kill him. That's the only way. I leave Gallagher in the store. The man hunt for Frank begins. _I should never have let it get this far. It should have ended when I went to juvie. I should have quit then._

Frank is a difficult man to track down. I go to Sheila's, the Gallagher house, and the Alibi. He's ducking me. Gallagher fucking warned him. He got to him first. Fuck.

I find Gallagher where I left him, at Kash 'N' Grab. He's smoking near the delivery entrance. I have to make him understand.

"Where the fuck is he?"

"I don't know."

"Bull shit. I can't believe you fucking warned him."

"I hate him more than you do."

I open the cash register and take some money out. I don't take all of it just what I earned this week. Gallagher is still looking at me like a lost fucking puppy. _It's gone too far. This ends now._

"I'm done. I'm done with this job. I'm done with you. Just fucking done."

"Frank has walked in on Fiona and all of her boyfriends, walked in on Lip and his girls. We've got nothing to be ashamed of."

"What fucking world do you live in?"

"You can't. I don't want you to." He tries to touch me. I back off.

"What the fuck did I just say to you? Done is done. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend here. You're nothing but a warm mouth to me."

He looks like he's about to cry. I walk out the door. When I get away a few blocks I drop to my knees. I can't take it anymore. He almost died yesterday because of me. It's better this way. We're better off apart. _I'm sorry._

I have one option left for me. If I can't kill Frank and I can't be around Gallagher, there is only one thing I can do. I walk down the street until I find a cop. Punching a cop gets me six months. It violates my probation. _Well, Ryan, your cellmate is coming back._


	23. Hurricane Mickey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is taking his break up from Mickey pretty hard.

I hug my pillow and try not to sob too loudly. I feel a tightening in my stomach whenever I think about Mickey breaking up with me. I hug my pillow tighter. _He dumped me because of Frank._ I sniffle a little and grab a tissue to blow my nose.

"You okay?" Carl asks.

"Go back to sleep," I tell Carl and suppress another sniffle that wants to escape.

"Who hurt you? I'll kick their ass."

"No one, I was dumped," I tell Carl.

"Oh. It's their loss," Carl says before lying back down in bed. I put my pillow over my head to muffle the sounds of my sobbing so I don't wake Carl again, but it becomes hard to breathe. I roll onto my side facing the wall with my knees pulled up in the fetal position and the pillow wrapped in my arms.

_Why don't you want to be with me?_ A sniffle escapes before I can stop it and another follows. I can't stop the endless flow of tears no matter how hard I try. I feel a warm hand on my arm. It's Debbie. She puts a blanket over me and kisses my shoulder.

"I love you," she whispers.

"I love you too, Debs."

"Want me to hold you for a while?" Debbie asks.

I scoot over in my bed and Debbie slides in. I put my head in her lap, while still hugging my pillow. She strokes my hair. I sob quietly. Soft snores are coming from Carl's bed.

"I could you hear sobbing on my way back from the bathroom."

She gives me a tissue to blow my nose and I bury my face in the pillow. I feel Debbie move from stroking my hair to gently rubbing my arms to comfort me. _I'm sorry, Mickey. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put myself in danger._

I don't remember falling asleep, but when I wake up Debbie is curled up against me. I lean over and kiss the side of her face and try to find a way to climb over her without waking her. Carl is already up. He's getting dressed quietly.

"Should we carry her back to her room?"

"Nah, just let her lay."

"She's cute when she's sleeping," says Carl, giving Debbie a kiss on the cheek.

"She's cute all the time," I say fondly. I ruffle Carl's hair. He stops me in the hallway.

"Are you still sad?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Would it be weird if I gave you a hug?"

I open my arms and Carl gives me a quick hug. I don't let him out of my arms that easily. Fiona comes by looking very grumpy and muttering something. _Monica._

Monica and Frank are downstairs. I want to ignore them. I don't have time for this today. I have to go to work. Monica seeks me out like a missile. She cups my face.

"Frank told me about the Milkovich boy. I'm sorry you're hurting, baby. Tell you what, how about tonight I take you to a gay bar?"

"But," I say.

"It'll be good for you. It will help you move on."

_I don't want to move on._ I suppress another sniffle. I don't want to cry in front of Monica and Frank. _Mickey, please. I'm sorry._ I want nothing more than to get back into bed and cry. Fiona hands me a beer and a Snickers bar. _Mickey loves Snickers._

"Feel better," Fiona says, hugging me around the shoulder and planting a kiss on my cheek. "I'm sorry, Ian. Break ups are hard."

"I don't want to talk about it, okay," I say and go back upstairs to my room. Debbie is no longer in my bed. I put the beer on the windowsill and put the Snickers on the dresser. I hug my pillow to my chest.

_It's my fault. I should have backed off him. I fabricated the whole relationship. We were never more than friends._ I sniffle loudly into my pillow and allow myself to really cry. There is a sharp pain inside me that I can't shake. It hurts me enough to force more tears out of me.

"Ian," says Fiona. I feel the bed move with Fiona as she crawls into bed with me. I feel her body heat against me. She lies down and puts her arms around me. She pulls me into her and kisses my shoulder through my shirt. "Let Monica take you clubbing tonight. I think it'll help."

"I don't want to go clubbing," I say. _I just want Mickey._ I hug my pillow tighter. Fiona tightens her grip on me.

"Ian, you should go to get your mind off this guy. Fuck this guy, whoever he is. He broke my little brother's heart."

"I," sniffle "really" sniffle "like" hitch in my throat "him" and let lose all the built up tears.

"I know you do," Fiona says softly.

Maybe clubbing would help. It would distract me. I shouldn't be moping. Gallagher's don't mope. We drown our sorrows in alcohol and move on. I sit up. Fiona leans on my shoulder and gives me a puppy look.

"I'll go," I tell her. She grins at me.

"If you fuck someone wear a condom. If he offers to pay you; cash up front then sneak out a window. Always keep your drink in your hand."

"Fiona, I know."

"Come on, I'll help you pick out something to wear."

Fiona spends an hour with me helping me choose something to wear. She still has some of Steve, Er, Jimmy-Steve's old clothes. Some of his nicer shirts work. They're a little tight, but Fiona says that's the point.

Monica dresses up too. She doesn't look like a mom. _She never really was one._ She takes me to a place called "The White Swallow" which I think sounds disgusting, but I digress. A lot of guys look at me when I walk in. Some of them are much, much older.

"You're popular, baby. You're hot."

"This is awkward," I tell her.

"Just pretend I'm not your mother," Monica says. _Shouldn't be too difficult._

I end up the object of attention to an Asian man who keeps touching my knee and sliding his hand up my thigh. I smile at him. _This is weird._

"You're adorable. Can I buy you a drink?"

"No," I say, remembering what Fiona said.

"What's your name?"

I consider giving him a fake name, "Curtis."

"No way, you're too cute to be named Curtis."

He puts his hand a little too close to my crotch. _I need a way out of this._ Monica comes over with a young black butch lesbian. _She has a type._

"Having fun, baby?" She asks.

"Not really," I say.

"Come on, go mingle. Make a friend."

She pulls me onto the dance floor. As happy as I am to get away from the Asian perv, I would rather sit it out.

"Want to dance?" a man asks. He has dark hair like Mickey's.

"Yeah," I say.

 


	24. Back to the Joint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey misses Ian, but meets someone similar in an unusual way.

Cindy has a cat in her office. It's fucking staring at me. The worst fucking part is that the cat has orange hair. _It reminds me of…_ I grimace and stop looking at the fucking cat. Cindy is typing something on her computer. She doesn't look at me. The fucking cat jumps on my lap. A word on the collar catches my eye. Carved into the fucking name tag is, "Gallagher".

"You've got to be fucking kidding," I say.

"I see you've met Gallagher. Yeah, I thought you'd like that. The boys named him. We had a vote. That's what they decided on."

 _Fuck them all._ I scratch the stupid cat under its chin. He's purring. He decides my lap is the place he wants to nap. _Fuck you, Cat._ I casually stroke the fucking cat while Cindy finishes the paper work on my admittance back into this shithole.

"I'm putting you back in with Ryan. I'd like to keep you away from the more volatile boys. I don't know who's more venomous you or Travon, but I want you separated. You can get out of here early if you don't do anything stupid. Plus you're almost eighteen."

I don't say anything. I glance at the fucking cat who is kneading my arm with its claws. _It's almost cute._ Cindy grins. "He likes you. I imagine he reminds you of _someone._ "

"Are we done?" I ask.

"Why did you punch that cop?" _I wish that cop had been Tony with his stupid ass that someone seems to fucking love staring at._

I don't answer. I keep my mouth shut. I don't want to think about what happened. I've spent the last twenty-four hours trying to forget. I want to forget. I wish I had never let it get so far. Cindy escorts me herself to my cell block. Ryan isn't there. He's out on recreation. Cindy gives me my prison digs and tells me to change. I could join the other boys in the gym for recreation.

I am uncuffed as Cindy and I walk. I notice her fucking cat is following me meowing and trying to get me to pet it. _Leave me alone. God you do remind me of…_ I force my attention to Cindy and what she's trying to say to me, which isn't much.

"Mickey," says Ryan when I step through the door of the gym. The room smells like stale cigarettes and farts. Ryan is always is sitting by himself making a map of some fictional fucking world he created. _Fat fucking geek._

"I'll leave you to it," Cindy says. She leaves her stupid damn cat with me. It sits on my lap as soon as I sit down across from Ryan. I look at his map. It's pretty impressive. He put a lot of work into it. I stroke the cat behind the ears. Ryan wants to write and design comic books, but being in here isn't doing him a bit of good.

"He's supposed to calm us down," says Ryan as he tickles the cat's ears. "I just find him adorable."

"She named him fucking Gallagher," I say. That's the first time I've said his name since I arrived. I feel sick to my stomach. I retched three times on the way here from everything I saw something that brought him to mind or whenever his name would come up. He's more popular around here than ever.

"I know. What are you doing here, Mickey?" Ryan asks.

"I punched a cop."

"Why?"

"Because Ian's dad saw us together," I say. I can tell by the confused look on his face that I need to start from the beginning. I do. _I can't believe I'm fucking tell him about this._ When I finish, Gallagher the Cat has decided to give me a bath.

"So coming back here was the answer," Ryan says.

"I don't like it either, but I didn't see any other option."

"By the way, shave the fucking beard you look like a rapist."

I forgot all about it. Gallagher the Cat has stopped licking me. He decides to rub his head against me. _This thing is annoying._

"I'm just done," I admit.

"With Ian or with hiding the fact that you might actually be falling for him," Ryan says.

"Are you calling me gay? I am not fucking gay. I know what I like and I like fucking that stupid redhead. It doesn't make me gay." I didn't realize I had grabbed the front of his shirt. I release it.

"Dude, calm down. I'm on your side."

I am shaking. I know the fucking feline sitting on my lap can feel it too. He's purring a mile a minute and looking at me with big eyes. _Fuck off, Cat._

"I don't want these feelings, Ryan. I don't want to think about him all the time. I don't want to wonder if we're going to get caught. I'm just done."

The buzzer goes on and we're forced to go back to our cells. I hand her stupid cat back to Cindy. It meows when I leave it. _You're exactly like him._

"I think you should really fucking go for it," Ryan says as he sits down on his bed. We don't have bunk beds. I can look directly at his fat head if I want to. He has a poster of a woman on the wall. It was from some of the lesbian porn I sent him.

"What?" I ask propping myself up on my elbows.

"When you get out of here, I think you should really go for it with Ian. Claim him. Make him yours. Give the world the finger and say, 'fuck it, he's mine and I like it.' And I think you'll be happier for it."

"That fantasy world you're creating is going to your fucking head. I'm Southside. This shit doesn't happen. He's probably already fucking someone."

"Why would he do that?"

"I told him it's over," I say.

"But it's not over."

"Yes it is. I'm not going to be _gay_. I'm not going to think about him or his fucking red hair anymore."

"You won't last two days."

"Is that a fucking challenge?"

Ryan is quiet for a minute then a smile forms on his fat fucking face.

"Yes, I challenge you to go two days without thinking about or talking about Ian Gallagher. If you lose you have to get back together with him when you get out of here."

"If I win," I say.

"Then I'll shut the fuck up forever."

"Challenge accepted."

We shake on it. _This is going to be fucking hard._


	25. Like a Drug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian visits Mickey in juvie and they sneak off to have sex.

I can't stop thinking about Mickey. He's all I ever talk about or think about. I want to tell Mandy, I bet she suspects something. She has to with the way I keep asking how he's doing in juvie. I want to know.

I have considered visiting him countless times, but he said we were over. I should move on. But I have to see him. I want him to know I'm doing well. I sit on the couch in the Milkovich house. I can't stop thinking about Mickey. I get up and pretend to be going to the bathroom.

I pass Iggy. He is carrying a basket full of dirty laundry. I sneak into Mickey's room.

It all feels like he's here, only he isn't. I grab one of his old shirts from his closet and sniff it. It smells like him. I hear a noise and notice Iggy staring at me from the crack in the door. He doesn't say anything. _Does he speak?_

I put Mickey's shirt back and leave. Iggy still gives me a suspicious look. He goes about his business and I go back to Mandy on the couch.

"How come you haven't visited Mickey," I say.

"I will, don't worry about it. Why are you hung up on Mickey?"

"I'm not. We're co-workers. I thought I was being friendly."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," I say. I can't tell her. Mickey would actually kill me. I can't help but wonder how he's doing?

"How's Monica?"

"She left. She skipped out of rehab and she left with a new girlfriend. I'm really not surprised. She's a fucking flake. Weird to think that Frank is the good one. My family is fucked up."

"Join the fucking club. How's Lip taking the news about the baby?"

"He's pretty upset. I mean, who wouldn't be? He spends months thinking the baby is his and it turns out to be Asian and has Down's syndrome. He's moved back home though."

"That's good. He needs to be there. He needs to go back to school. He's way to fucking smart to not graduate."

"I agree, but I'm not his keeper. I can't force him to go."

"You're probably right. Do you want to visit Mickey tomorrow?" Mandy asks.

"Sure," I say. _Mickey. I can finally give him the CD I made for him._ I've wanted to give it to him for a few weeks, but I didn't know how I could. It will be easier for me to tell him I fucked someone else that way.

When I walk through the doors of the juvenile detention facility, I am greeted with big smiles, handshakes, and some people want to take my picture. Mandy looks freaked out. The woman who helped me the time I passed out calls us into her office. A big fluffy ginger cat is sitting on her desk purring loudly.

"Aw, aren't you adorable," I tell it. He sniffs me and rubs his head on my hand. His collar says, "Gallagher." _Jesus, they named their fucking cat after me. What the fuck, Mickey?_

"Ian Gallagher," says the woman who I learn is named Cindy. She beams at me and offers me and Mandy something to drink. We both decline. "You're a welcome sight around here. The boys will be pleased to see you. Since you're a favorite around here we're going to take you into the yard to see Mickey. Don't worry you'll be guarded. We don't normally do this," she says.

"He won't get gang raped will he?" Mandy asks looking at me.

"No. He'll be heavily guarded."

"I'm coming too right?" Mandy asks.

Gallagher Cat has decided I'm his new bed. He wants to snuggle. I wrap his tail around my finger as he purrs.

"I thought you hated pussy," says Mandy.

"I like this one," I say stroking the cat.

"You two ready?" Cindy asks. I slide Gallagher Cat onto the floor and follow Cindy out. She takes us down several hallways and out a set of doors that are automatically locked and surrounded by cameras on all sides.

The yard is about quarter of a mile squared and has a tall fence all the way around it with big watch towers. It's exactly like a prison, but for minors. Our guards are armed and look way too excited to be doing this job.

Mickey is sitting at a picnic table smoking and playing cards with some fat inmate. He doesn't notice us. But everyone else does.

"Gallagher," says one boy who makes a kissy face at me. He tries to touch me and gets his hand nearly broken by a guard. "You're much prettier than you were the last time we saw you."

"Yo, Galla-Bitch," says the big black guy. I think his name is Travon. "What the fuck you doing here? And you too, Bitch?"

"Oh it's you. Hey," says Mandy casually.

"Come over here and put your mouth on this," Travon tells me. He grabs his crotch. One of the guards pushes him aside.

"Nice to see you, Travon," I say as I walk toward Mickey's table. The boys gather around. They don't get too close, but they are close enough. Mickey looks up and does a double take. He stands up to hug Mandy.

"What the fuck? How the fuck?"

"Cindy let us back here because of Ian. Apparently he's well liked."

 _That's putting it mildly._ I glance at my fan club one of them reaches through the human barrier and grabs my ass. I try to ignore it, but he does it again. I walk around to stand on the other side of Mandy.

"This is my cellmate," Mickey says clapping the fat guy on the back.

"Ryan Austin," he says.

"Ian Gallagher," I say reaching out to shake his hand. Some of the boys pretend to swoon. I roll my eyes.

"You're pretty famous around here, Ian Gallagher."

"I noticed."

I look at Mickey and meet his eyes. There's a smile in them. I take the CD out of my pants and give it to him. This action is met with a cooing and awing from several of our onlookers.

"What the fuck, Ian?" Mandy asks.

"He left it at the store. Mickey was tired of the Pakistani music and loaned us this. Linda told me to return it."

Mandy buys that. Ryan sure as hell doesn't. He looks like he's trying not to laugh.

"Hey, Mandy, how about a round of Egyptian Rat Screw?" says Ryan. He invites her to sit down at the table with him and Mickey and I sneak off. The guards stay with Mandy. If I didn't know any better I would say Cindy told them to give us some privacy. Mickey leads me to a spot between two guard towers where we're away from anyone seeing us, save for whoever is in the towers.

"Are you still angry with me over the whole drug deal thing?" I ask.

"Yes. You could have fucking died. You haven't been back there have you?"

"What no?"

Mickey doesn't say much. He mostly just stares at me. I take his hand and he lets me. I entwine our fingers.

"What have you been doing?"

"I met someone," I tell him.

"You meet lots of fucking people. What's your point?"

"I fucked someone," I reiterate. Mickey doesn't seem fazed by it.

"Me too," He says.

"Ryan?"

"No I'm not fucking Ryan. What the fuck?"

Mickey tightens the grip on my hand. I smile at him. He smiles back. It's not long until we're out of clothes. We do it quickly before the other boys find a way past the guards. _I miss this._ I kiss Mickey's back, and bite his shoulders and neck when I climax. Afterwards, we walk back hand in hand. Mickey drops my hand before we round the corner and come face to face with my adoring fan club. My guards almost have to beat them back to get them away from me.

"Where the fuck did you two go?" Mandy asks.

"Talk business," Mickey says, trying to adjust his clothes without her noticing. Ryan has the biggest smile on his face.

"Whatever," says Mandy. She gives Mickey another hug. I look at him. He looks at me. _So I guess we're back together._


	26. Seeing Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey can't stop thinking about Ian. His cellmate thinks he might be in love.

I can't stop thinking about Ian. I feel overcome with emotion when his face is on my mind. I lie back on my bed and think about him. Gallagher the Cat is perched on my stomach purring loudly. He's chosen our cell as his favorite spot.

"You've got it fucking bad, man," says Ryan.

"I'm not gay," I say again. _Why won't he believe me? Fuck._

"Keep telling yourself that, Mick. Remember the fucking bet? You lost."

"I didn't lose," I say.

"Oh please, you lost within an hour. I saw that fucking smile. It was an Ian smile and we both know it."

"That doesn't prove anything."

"Remember the bite marks and the fucking?" Ryan brings up.

Fuck. Ian visited me last month and we fucked in the yard. The fucker bit me on the shoulders and neck and I had hickeys for a few days. The boys wouldn't let it go and I nearly got the shit beat out of me by Travon.

He also gave me a fucking CD that Ryan fucking played in the cafeteria in front of all the boys. I almost killed him for that. We wrestled for ten minutes until he shut it off. Several of the songs were fucking love songs. The guys wouldn't let me live it down.

"Just fucking drop it, and you, fluff ball, get the fuck off me," I tell Gallagher the Cat. I pick it up by the skin of its neck and put the cat on the floor. He goes to sit with Ryan instead. _Fuck you, Fur ball._

"I'll drop it if you get me a date with Mandy. Your sister is fucking hot."

"I'm going to kick your fat fucking ass."

"What? She is."

"What the hell. You might be better than the rest of the assholes she's dated. I'll talk to her next time I see her."

We have yard time coming up. When the buzzer goes off we stand clear of our cell's opening. I pick up Gallagher the Cat and hand him to a guard on my way out so he doesn't get trampled. I'm fond of the little fucker.

The boys in the front of the line to go outside start cheering and several of them turn around and look at me with big fucking smiles. When it's my turn through the door I quickly learn why. Ian is standing out there with twelve fucking guards around him.

I smile at him. Ryan gives me a playful shove from behind and I punch him in the arm. He nudges me toward Ian. Several other boys are watching. "Kiss," they chant. I look at Ryan. He's got a big fucking smile on his face.

"You can kiss me if you want," says Ian taking my hand and pulling me in close. He puts one hand on my back. Normally, I would pull away, but today I don't. My heart is pounding. _Fuck. He's actually going to kiss me._ Not on my fucking watch. I don't fucking kiss.

I kiss him on the cheek and that seems to satisfy them. _Fucking wolves_. Ian and I hold hands. _I don't fucking care. It makes him happy._ "You're so cute," says Ryan walking by us. "But you're not fooling anyone." I flip him off.

"What's he talking about?" Ian asks as we walk along the yard, hand in hand. _He probably thinks we're boyfriends. We aren't._

"Nothing. How are you?" I ask letting go his hand to light a cigarette. I go back to holding his fucking hand when it's lit. When the wind blows I catch of whiff of Ian's cologne and my knees start buckling. _Fuck he smells good._

"I'm not bad. I found out the guy I've been fucking is Jimmy's dad."

"Who the fuck is Jimmy?" _Is that the guy who's ass I'm kicking?_

"Oh, I'm sorry, you don't know. Jimmy is Steve. Fiona's boyfriend. Yeah. It turns out Jimmy's dad is bisexual. It's complicated." _So it's Jimmy's dad whose ass I'm kicking._

"What else is going on?"

"Fiona got her GED, Karen's baby isn't Lip's its actually Asian and has Down's Syndrome, and Fiona blew all our fucking money on hosting a club night," Ian rambles. I stop walking. I notice he's licking his lips a little more than usual. He wants me to kiss him. _Fuck._

"Shut up and get on me," I tell him. Ian pulls me toward the watch tower and we get out of our clothes. He fucks me in the grass. Ants crawl on me as I'm on back. This is the first time we've done it face to face. I get to stare at him as he fucks me. I clutch the grass around me as he thrusts and pull some out when it starts to feel really fucking good. I don't suppress any moaning. I let them out. Ian kisses my shoulder and my chest. _That feels fucking good._

I feel free. I feel like I can fucking fly. He's blowing my fucking mind. When Ian hits a stride I wrap my arms around him and dig my nails into his back. He winces in pain but never stops. We finish at the same time. He falls on top of me and kisses me on the cheek.

"Where the fuck did you learn that?" I ask as I pat him on his bare back. _His skin is so fucking smooth._ His shoulders are freckled. I smile.

"I've learned a few things," says Ian.

"I'm seeing fucking stars," I admit.

"Me too."

We go at it one more time and I lose myself completely to him. _He's so fucking good. Fuck._ When it's over we dress in silence. Ian makes sure my prison clothes look right and everything is in order. He smoothes my hair and puts his face near mine.

"The wolves are going to eat us up for this," Ian whispers before kissing my neck and ears. _This is getting me hard_. "I think you're poking me in the leg with that thing."

"Yeah," I say, I can barely think. I can barely move. I want him. Fuck. I hold his fucking hand on my own and I walk as close to him as I can get. It takes every fucking ounce of dignity I have not to jump his fucking bones.

"Aw, look," say several boys when they see us.

"Here it comes," says Ian.

Cindy is waiting for Ian. He reluctantly releases my hand. It feels like my heart is being pulled out of my chest when he waves good bye at me. My knees finally give out and I go down. I sit on the grass and am hit with a wave of emotion. I miss him already. _Fuck._

Ryan walks next to me but we don't talk until we're back in our cell. I sit beside him on his bed and we share cigarettes. "Shut the fuck up," I tell him.

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"Yes you were. Just fucking say it."

"You're in over your fucking head, my friend."

"In what?" I ask.

"In love, man," says Ryan.

"Fuck you, I am not."

"I call bull shit."

"Well fuck your bull shit. I am not in love. Milkovich's don't fall in love." _Especially not with guys. I'm not fucking gay. I am fucking horny though._

 


	27. Hands on Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey gets out of juvie and catches Ian with another guy.

Mickey walks in on me fucking some Asian up the ass during ROTC training. He and I kind of snuck off to do it. Mickey kicks the shit out of him before he and I go at it hard and fast. It's been over a month since I last saw him. I had been planning another visit to the joint, but here is he.

"I thought you had four more months," I say.

"They let me out for overcrowding or some shit. I missed you."

"You did." _I missed you too._

"Yeah. I got so fucking horny in there. Of course, I had to do all the fucking in juvie. It's nice to be able to switch back."

 _What about us?_ I want to ask, but then again, I was just fucking someone. I sit down beside Mickey and lay my head on his shoulder. He pushes me away. _What happened to our intimacy? He comes back from fucking juvie where we would be all over each other and now he won't even look me in the eye._

"You think I could get my job back?"

"You think you could fucking look at me?" I ask.

And Mickey does it. He looks me right in the eyes. But he doesn't speak. He just stares. The next thing I know Mickey is dragging me further under the bleachers out of sight and pulls my pants down. He gets on his knees in front of my crotch.

I grab his hair as he swallows my load. Mickey wipes his mouth and stands up. He's smiling at me. "What was that?" I ask.

"Shut up and fuck me," says Mickey.

I don't have to be told twice. When it's over and we've put our clothes back on, Mickey walks away. He doesn't speak to me. He just leaves. _What the fuck did I do?_

I consider going to his house to demand answers, but I have other things to worry about, like how to keep fucking Frank out of my room. I stop by Kash 'N' Grab on my way home. Mickey is inside talking to Linda.

"If I give him his job back are you two going to fuck before work so I don't have to watch the flirting and the foreplay?" Linda asks.

"I'm not…" Mickey starts.

"I'm not blind, deaf, or stupid. This is honestly the worst kept secret in Chicago."

"We'll see what we can do, Linda," I say to let Mickey off the hook. Linda obviously doesn't want to be in the same room with both of us. She lingers a little longer and looks between me and Mickey.

"You don't think other people see it?" She says before walking away laughing.

"What the fuck do you want?" Mickey asks.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing, you didn't do a damn thing. I got shit to do."

Mickey leaves. I buy some locks for my bedroom door and leave. Mickey is nowhere to be seen. He has somehow disappeared. I go home and begin working on the door locks. Mandy smacks me on the ass with a college application that she picked up for Lip. I like that she cares about him. She's better than Karen.

"How do you know if a guy you've been hanging out with likes you?" I ask her as a long shot.

"Do you like him?"

 _Fuck yes._ "Uh-Huh," I say. Mandy pokes me in my ticklish spot and swat at her hand.

"You could ask him."

"He doesn't want to talk about it."

"No guy ever does."

"Then how do you know?"

"Does he get that look in his eye when he's with you?"

"What look?"

"You'll know it when you see it."

 _Does he get a look in his eyes?_ Mickey said he was seeing stars when we fucked at the juvenile detention center, but is that a look or was it just really good sex? I light up a cigarette. I started smoking Mickey's brand.

"So, are you fucking Mickey Milkovich again now that he's a free man?" Lip asks that night in the bathroom. We brush our teeth at the same time. I spit and start washing my face.

"Yeah, but it can't just be about the fucking anymore."

"You're really into him," Lip says spitting and wiping his mouth.

I don't respond. Lip knows the answer already.

"I just want him to say he likes me."

"Didn't that fucking playlist he made you tell you that? I mean wasn't that kind of the purpose?"

"I want to hear him say it. He won't even kiss me."

"Hey, Ian, Mickey Milkovich is here, want me to ask him to leave?" Fiona says.

"What?" I zoom past Fiona. She walks in to the bathroom probably to talk to Lip and ask him about this. I am not worried. He's not going to tell her anything.

Mickey is standing in the back yard drinking a beer. _I can't believe this._ He avoids me all fucking day and shows up to my house at night. For what? A booty call?

"Let's go on a fucking date," Mickey says crushing his beer can.

"Right now? It's 10:30?" I tell Mickey.

"So who gives a shit?"

"Let me tell Fiona." I run back inside. Fiona is making her rounds. She picks up toys, clothes, and dishes and puts them away. I step up behind her. "I'm going to talk to Mickey for a while."

"If you come home with a black eye tell Mickey his ass is mine."

"Thanks don't wait up."

Mickey holds my hand. He initiated it this time. He entwines our fingers and holds my fucking hand. We walk down the street toward the junk cars under the L. We stop when we find the one that we had sex in last summer. On it is a blanket, a stereo, and a case of beer.

"Really?" I say sarcastically. "This is a bit gay."

"Shut the fuck up. I'm trying here."

"What no box of _Reese's Pieces_?" I ask. Mickey smirks and pulls a box out of the car. I smile when he hands me candy. "You've thought of everything but flowers."

"Fuck off. You ain't getting fucking flowers."

I look in Mickey's eyes. Mandy's words echoed in my head, " _Does he get that look in his eyes."_

"What the fuck are you staring at?"

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry I avoided you today. I was planning this."

_It took him all day to plan this?_

"Kiss me," I blurt out.

Mickey kisses me on the cheek. It's not what I wanted, but I accept it. The next thing he does is even more unusual. He puts his arm around me and not the way Lip does. There is nothing brotherly or friendly about it. His hand is on my hip.

"I missed you," says Mickey.

"I missed you too," I say.

We don't fuck. We sit here in silence, his hand on my hip, me with my head on his shoulder, in the dark, passing cigarettes and beer back and forth. It's peaceful. I open my box of _Reese's Pieces_ and throw some in my mouth. Mickey lets me feed him. I want things like this.


	28. Mine. Back Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A jealous Mickey stakes a claim.

Lip Gallagher goes on about how there is a registered sex offender in the neighborhood. While I am 100% certain my dad is the biggest one around, this is a problem. We don't want any kid fuckers in our neighborhood. So naturally, we got to bash some fucking skulls.

Lip and Ian and my fucking dad show up at the house gather all the blunt weapons they can find and rally my brothers and cousins. Our posse gets larger as we march toward the pervert's house. My dad knocks on the door. Ian is on one side of him, Lip on the other and I'm behind him.

A blonde woman answers the door. My father seems caught off guard. It turns out she's the fucking sex offender. _What the fuck?_ "Look, I've made my mistakes, if love can be called a mistake."

My eyes shift over to Ian who's wearing an unbelievably tight shirt today. _It brings out his eyes. What the fuck am I thinking about this for?_ The group disbands. Lip, Ian, Carl, and I remain. Lip sends Carl home.

"We got to do something about this?"

"You thinking gang bang?"

"No."

"If I had a teacher who looked like that I probably would have stayed in school. I'm getting hard just thinking about it," I say to save face with Lip. I don't look at Ian. I know he's looking at me though. "Yo, Angie, wanna fuck?" I ask the fat woman sitting on the porch next door to the female child molester.

"Sure."

I go into her Angie's house. Lip and Ian leave. Before Ian, fucking Angie would have been a breeze. I would have been able to do it without a problem. I stare out the window as she hands me a beer.

"We gonna fuck or not?"

"No," I tell her. I wait a while then leave. I consider looking for Ian, but I go home instead. Mandy is going out with Lip, so she's never fucking here anymore. She hangs out at the Gallagher house all the fucking time. She practically lives there according to my brothers and father. It's fucking lonely here without her.

My shift at the Kash 'N' Grab this afternoon has me doing two drug deals in the back of the store. Linda is out with her brats and it's just me and Ian. At the end of my second drug deal I spot some old fucking geezer flirting with Ian.

"You came all the way to the south side for a bag of chips?"

"A bag of chips and a ginger snap, I'm hoping." He says with an inviting tone to his voice.

"I'm working."

"What about later? We could go to happy hour at the Fountain?"

"Ok," says Ian.

It hits me like a ton of fucking bricks. I have this feeling inside my stomach that's rampant and strong.

"Got a receipt," I ask. I want to get a good look at the man whose ass I'm about to fucking kick. He grabs one from Ian and I let him pass. He has to be at least fifty. "That your grandpa?"

"No. He's not my grandpa, just the guy I've been seeing."

My heart is pounding harder than it ever has and my blood is fucking boiling. I try to stay casual when I dig for more information about this.

"The guy you've been seeing. What do you two picnic together or have a little dog with a fucking sweater?"

"We don't picnic we mostly just fuck. Like you and Angie."

_I didn't fuck Angie._ I stare at his smug fucking face as he gets up to finish his work. I resist the urge to kick the counter. That motherfucker must be this Jimmy's dad he spoke of when I was in juvie. I had hoped he was lying. _Fuck._

"So you're going out with grandpa?" I ask.

"Yep, right after work."

_Not if I can fucking help it, you're not._ And at four Ian leaves to meet up with Father Time. Linda comes back to take over the register for the closing shift. I buy a six pack. "Where the fuck is the Fountain?"

She writes down the address. I find them together, and decide to watch to make sure that old fucking pervert keeps his hands to himself. I crack open a beer. Grandpa and Ian are laughing over drinks. He touches Ian's leg. _You want to lose that fucking hand?_ But it's not his hands I should break; Ian's waiter cops a feel. _You're on my fucking list, fatty._

I toss my beer can on the ground and crack open my second one. Ian is smiling. He's sharing his smile with this fucker. _What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I actually jealous? Fuck._ I feel like punching something really fucking hard. _His fucking face would be perfect._

Ian and Grandpa end their fucking date. I find myself in their path staring at the old creep. Ian's features turn a little serious. "Shit, Mickey."

"You're from the store right? Aw, Ian, invite your boyfriend back to my place."

_That's it, Gramps. Your ass is grass._ "What'd you call me?"

I throw several punches. I knock him knock and continue to beat him repeatedly. "What'd you call me? Did you call me gay?"

Ian punches me in the throat and I feel to the ground gasping for breath. When I catch my breath I take off running before the cops come. I wait for Ian. He's checking on the stupid fucking old guy.

"Gallagher," I say.

"Sorry, I'll text you." _No you won't._

We run into an alley.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ian asks.

I touch him. I touch the back of his neck and his stomach. We play fight all the way back to our homes. I stop him a block from his house. Ian looks at me smiling.

"This," I say motioning between us, "Whatever this is. We don't share with other fucking people."

"Are you asking me to out officially?" Ian asks raising an eye brow.

"No," I say. Ian shrugs and stares at me intently. _Fuck. I'm staking a fucking claim. I don't fucking share. Back the fuck off._ "I don't want to catch fucking AIDs from you screwing other guys."

I don't want him with anyone else. He's fucking mine. I can't stand still. I kick a fucking trash can repeatedly. _He's mine._ My heart rate doesn't seem to be slowing. I try to breathe.

"So you don't want me fucking other men because you don't want to get AIDs?" Ian repeats.

"Did I fucking stutter?"

"No. I got it."

"Do you fucking agree or not?"

"So you won't be fucking anyone either?"

"No."

"Then yeah," says Ian.

He's wearing that smug fucking smile again. _Fuck you, you smug bastard. And fuck you, Ryan, where ever your fat ass is. You fucking win. Okay, I'll fucking say it, bitch._ Ian Gallagher is mine.

 


	29. Target Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during the episode where Ian asks Mickey to help him rob Ned's mansion.

Mickey has the day off so it's just me at the Kash 'N' Grab today. It's been a busy day. I haven't got all my stocking done yet. I'm halfway through stocking when Ned speaks to me. You'd think after having his ass kicked by Mickey, he'd know better than to come around.

He doesn't touch me. That was the great thing about Ned; he never touched me without my permission unlike Kash. He does flirt though and I see him check me out.

"Red," says Ned softly as if speaking to me as a lover. "I'm sorry truly." He and his wife divorced, Jimmy let him stay with us and he tried to get into my bed, but wound up going balls deep on Lip. "Can you forgive a man who is falling apart?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Can I kiss you?"

I hold a box up, "No." and walk away. Not happening.

"So listen, I need someone to rob my house. I'm hoping you could help."

"You want me to rob your house?"

"Candace changed the locks. It's my goddamn house. She won't let me in. I need someone to steal my stuff. If I do it the neighbors will recognize me. If you go in during day light hours you'll look like movers."

He lists off a bunch of shit that he wants me to take with the promise that I can get something of value that my family can sell for money. If I do this I'm going to need some help.

I meet up with Mickey on the rooftop of some old condemned buildings. He's firing off his guns at different targets he's set up. We arrange an obstacle course for me to run to practice my ROTC training.

"You ever fire one of these?" Mickey asks holding up his gun and pointing it at a target. I notice on the target is a picture of Frank. I smile at Mickey. He nods his head and starts to laugh. "I thought you'd like that. I couldn't find one of Monica though. Not quite sure what she fucking looks like."

"The generic mom look, only she wasn't one."

"Yeah, around here there aren't any normal moms."

"Sheila," I say. Mickey shrugs and then nods in agreement. Sheila Jackson may be a little crazy but she's kind and she's clean, and she's motherly.

I take Mickey's gun from him and aim it at Frank's stupid face and pull the trigger. I shoot him in the eye. I look at Mickey he seems impressed. He takes the gun back and shoots out Frank's other eye.

"We should make a cardboard standee of Frank and shoot him in the nuts," I suggest taking the gun back and firing multiple rounds into Frank's head.

"You're really fucking good with that thing."

"You seem surprised," I say taking his cigarette out of his mouth.

"Nah, man, just impressed. How many Gallaghers can fire a fucking gun?"

"That sounds like a riddle. I think all of them except Debbie and Liam, but he's a toddler."

"You going to teach Debbie? She is your little sister, man. If she were my little sister I would fucking teach her. There are a lot of fucking creeps out there."

"Since when do you care so much about Debbie?" I ask.

"Fuck off. I'm just saying you should protect her."

"I do protect her."

"With what your fucking looks? No offense, but you're about as intimidating as the fluffy fucking cat we had in juvie." He's grinning really big. I punch him in the arm. He laughs.

"You're an asshole."

Mickey laughs. I shove him. He doesn't shove me back. He nods towards my obstacle course. I get ready to run it. Mickey loads his gun and fires them off as I complete the course. He goes through three cigarettes. He needs to cut back.

"So you know that guy whose ass you kicked?" I ask. Mickey fires his gun. "He wants me to rob his house." Mickey fires several shots at the ground. I move to avoid them. "Jesus, use blanks maybe." He fires more. "You want in?"

"Can I bring my cousins?"

"Yeah," I say.

Mickey goes quiet for a moment. He's squinting from the bright sunlight shining in his eyes. He looks down at me from his perch. "I don't know what you see in that geriatric vigaroid."

"He buys me stuff, orders me room service," I say, "and he's not afraid to kiss me."

Mickey doesn't speak. He doesn't look happy, that's for sure. I wonder if he's still going to help me or not. He motions for me to come over to him. He sets up a new target. This one is a picture of Kash. I burst out laughing.

"Where did you get that?"

"I stole it from the fucking store," Mickey says with a smile.

I continue to laugh as he tapes it over the damaged photo of Frank. Mickey hands me the gun. I smile at him. "Oh I get to go first?"

"You're the one he molested, man."

"He didn't molest me."

"Whatever you say, tough guy," says Mickey.

I fire at the photo of Kash and shoot him right between the eyes. I pass the gun to Mickey. He shoots his teeth out. We destroy the photo of Kash and Mickey surprises me with an even funnier one. It's a photograph of Justin Timberlake. I glare at him.

"That's uncalled for."

"Nope," says Mickey firing into Justin Timberlake until there is nothing left to look at. I am almost rolling with laughter. Mickey slugs me on the arm. "Not so pretty now is he?"

"You're a fucking asshole," I say, "Who's next James Franco? Van Damme?"

"I'd shoot the fuck out of Van Damme. Who the fuck is James Franco?"

"He was in _Spider-Man_."

"I don't watch that fucking shit."

"We're going to fucking watch it," I tell him.

"Fuck you. No we're not."

Mickey pushes me. I push back. He chases me through my obstacle course and tackles me. He starts to tickle me. _That's so unfair._ I laugh until I can't breathe and Mickey wins. He sits on top of me as if waiting for me to catch my breath before tickling me again.

"You win, but we're still watching _Spider-Man._ "

"Okay, _Spidey_ , if we're watching your fucking movies, then we're watching one of mine."

"Oh, fuck, what? Some gun-toting thugs rob banks and drive fast cars," I say rolling my eyes.

"Sounds like a great fucking movie. But I'm not telling."

"Okay. Sounds like a fucking date," I say.

"Does it? When we doing this?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"My house or yours?"

"Depends how would your dad feel about us watching _Spider-Man_ and me drooling over James Franco?"

"So your house," Mickey says with a smile.

"You bring the beer."

"Will your family be there?"

"Probably," I say, "Oh shit. Is that going to be a problem for you?"

"Nah, we'll tell them I lost a fucking bet."

"Sounds good," I say. _I wish we didn't have to lie._

"What time are we robbing this jerk's house tomorrow?"

"Early. He said his wife will be in bed until at least noon."

Mickey packs up his gear. I say "fuck it" and leave the obstacle course up. We walk down together. Mickey and I hold hands until we reach the street. Then we just walk side by side until we get to my house.

"Why does your yard smell like shit?" Mickey asks.

"We're digging up a body," I tell Mickey. Anyone else would probably have thought that was weird. Mickey just nods.

"Need any help?"

"I'll get back to you."

"See ya tomorrow, Spider-Man," says Mickey. He leaves and gives me the finger. _Bright and early._

 


	30. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ian's first kiss.

I borrow a fucking van for the heist, the kind children usually avoid. The type that is all white without any windows but the ones in the front. We don't want people to pay much attention too. My cousins are coming with me to rob this motherfucker. _"He's not afraid to kiss me."_ Fuck that guy.

I am not _afraid_ of kissing Ian. I am just not going to fucking kiss him because it's too gay. That's the only reason. It's not fear. It's not that I don't want to fucking kiss him. _"He's not afraid to kiss me."_ Fuck.

"Who's driving the van?" Iggy asks as we pack some guns.

"Ian," I say.

I don't want him doing the heist. The wife has met Ian. She hasn't met me. He's staying out of the crime. He'll drive the fucking getaway car. I notice Iggy looking at me.

"Ian's coming?" Iggy asks.

"This was his fucking idea."

"You two are close," says Iggy. _What the fuck does that mean?_

"Not really," I say.

"I just thought…nevermind," says Iggy. _Is he on something?_

We pick up Ian at his house. Fiona is in the yard with some drunken friends of Frank's from the Alibi. They all have shovels. The yard smells worst than it did yesterday. Ian's wearing his R.O.T.C pants. He gets in and Iggy turns the van over to him.

"You're driving, Rusty," says Iggy.

"I don't have a license," says Ian.

"Who fucking cares?" I ask, "Just drive."

The house is in Lake Forest. This guy has a fucking mansion. I'm hitting this place hard. We'll get what he asked for and I'm taking whatever the fuck I can sell. _Ian, you're a fucking genius._

We unpack the guns and hand them out. Ian tells us no guns because it's just a drunk old lady. Iggy bitches, but I still take his gun. He can bitch all he fucking wants. Me and my idiot cousins head into the house. I stop in the entry way.

"Mickey?" asks Iggy.

"Give me a second, I forgot something," I say. I run back to the van. My legs are pulling me and my brain isn't thinking. _I can't believe I'm going to fucking do this._ I climb in just as Ian takes the cigarette away from his lips. I replace his cigarette with my lips for a moment and then pull away. I give him the finger as I run off.

_There, now you can't fucking say I'm too afraid to fucking kiss you._ I nearly trip and fall over my own fucking feet when I get inside. The place is fucking nice. I stop for a moment and touch my lips. A smile is forcing itself onto my lips and I don't try to stop it. _First kiss. Holy shit._

"Why are you so happy?" asks my cousin.

Iggy is giving me a look I don't like. It's very stern and very _knowing_ and I don't fucking like it. I can't give a shit about it right now because all I can think about is that fucking kiss and how badly I want to do it again.

I look at Ian's face as we load some stuff into the van. He smiles at me, but not in the way he usually smiles at me. This one is different. I smile back and bite my bottom lip. He fucking has dimples. Iggy yanks on my arm. I hesitate before returning to the house with my cousins.

"Let's take this," I say about the grandfather clock. Fucking clock proves to be very fucking heavy and very noisy. It wakes sleeping beauty. She has a fucking gun. Iggy and I drop the fucking clock and run. "Fucking Ned. Are you fucking him too? Fuck," she says.

She fires the gun. She misses me by an inch. She fires again and hits me in the ass. "No fucking way." How the fuck did her aim get so good? Ian jumps in the driver seat. I climb in and lay on my stomach.

"You got shot, Mickey," says Ian.

"I fucking know I got shot. Drive."

"We should get the bullets out," says Iggy.

"You fucking think," I shout. I moan from the fucking pain. This really fucking hurts. _God fucking dammit._

"I'm going to call Dr. Lishman."

"The fucking doctor who's house we just robbed?" _The one you've been fucking. If he even looks at you for longer than three seconds I'm kicking his fucking ass again, bullet be damned._

Its timed well. We arrive at Ian's house minutes before the fucking doctor does. Ian and my cousin carry me inside. Ian yanks my pants down. _This would be kind of hot if I didn't have a fucking bullet in my ass._ I grab onto my cousin's arm and moan in pain.

Dr. Fuckhead makes a stupid comment about me and I give him the finger. He better not do anything to my ass other than get the bullets out or I'll fucking kill him.

"Hang in there, Mick, you're doing great," says Ian as he slaps me on the thigh.

"Fuck you," I say. I grab the countertop and scream when he starts to retract the bullets. I am surprised the fucking neighbors don't hear me. Ian is being supportive and helpful. "Get this out of my ass."

"We're almost done," Ian says.

"Ian, what the fuck?" says Fiona. She's covered in shit. "Who the fuck are you?" She asks some woman who I just notice is standing in the middle of the fucking living room.

"I'm with Child Protective Services."

_Oh fuck._ She waits while Dr. Lishman finishes getting the bullets out of my ass before continuing. By this time the other Gallagher kids, except Lip are home. I pull up my pants and my cousin and I start to walk to the door. I glance back at Ian. He isn't looking at me. He doesn't notice me. He's got his arm around Debbie. She's sitting on his lap and he's stroking her long red hair.

"Let's go, Mick," says my cousin.

"Yeah," I say. _This is a real fucking mess._

My family has managed to avoid CPS for years. We were always lucky. The Gallaghers never were. They've been in foster homes and shit before. They were always the unlucky ones. But somehow they always managed to come back together safe and sound.

I pass Lip on my way out.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"I was shot. CPS is in there," I tell him. There is not an easy way to tell someone that. Iggy took the van away. We'll have to walk home. I send my cousin on ahead. I wait at the end of the street for awhile. Soon the door opens and the five younger Gallaghers are marched out and forced into a van like the one we drove.

_Hang in there, Ian. It won't be so terrible. Just be careful. Fiona will be okay. You'll be okay. Fuck._

 


	31. Group Home Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lip and Ian's first night in the group home. Ian get propositioned.

Mickey finally fucking kisses me and CPS comes and drags us away from Fiona. When I find out who fucking called CPS they're dead to me. They split us up. Debbie is the only one alone this time. She's probably fucking scared. At least Carl will take care of Liam and I have Lip.

"I got your back," Lip tells me. He forgets I can kick his ass so how is he going to protect me. I pat the back of his head for the thought. "Give me your money."

I hand him all that I have, which isn't much. Lip is a survivor. We could be tossed on the streets and Lip would survive. He's like a fucking cockroach in that regard. He can adapt to any environment. I cannot. It's so crowded here and there is no privacy and boys keep staring at me.

"What if they try to kill us?" I ask Lip.

"Have you learned nothing from fucking Mickey Milkovich?"

What would Mickey do? Mickey would fight to the bitter end. He would stand his ground. I lean against my bunk and take notice of my surroundings.

"Is that your boyfriend?" A boy asks Lip.

"He's my brother," says Lip. He gives the boy money to walk away and leave us alone. I glare at him. "Do what you must to survive," Lip pats me on the stomach.

"So what the fuck do we do?"

"We try to find out where they took Carl, Liam, and Debbie. Then we get to Fiona. If they let you out to work, Ian, get word to Fiona through Mickey."

"I'm glad you're the smart one," I tell Lip.

This place is fucking terrible. There is no privacy. We're all in one room. I'm afraid I'm going to get stabbed. It's difficult to sleep the first night. I fear if I close my eyes I'm not going to wake up. Lip is asleep. He could sleep anywhere. He gets it from Frank.

"Yo," says the guy in the bunk next to mine. I don't make eye contact. "I'm talking to you."

"Please don't," I whisper.

"How about a blow job?"

"Fuck off," I say.

"Come over here and suck my dick."

"Go fuck yourself."

He shuts up. I hope that doesn't come bite me in the ass. _Why am I being such a pussy?_ I climb up to Lip's bunk and try to wake him. He scoots over and I slide into his bed. It's a tight squeeze, but there is no fucking way I'm sleeping alone. It is easier to sleep this way, next to my brother.

I sneak back down to my bed in the morning before anyone notices. When we're forced up I am sitting up in my bed. Lip jumps down and smacks me on the leg. He gives me a smile.

"So you, uh, slept in my bed," Lip says, "at least I hope that was you."

"It was me. I'm sorry," I say.

"Whatever helps, you know."

"Thanks."

"Maybe they'll let us out of this fucking place for a few hours. I need to fucking smoke."

They at least let us wear our own clothes. For that I'm glad. The water pressure is fucking terrible but the shower is at least clean. I join Lip for breakfast, if you can call it that.

"I hear you have a job," says the man in charge during breakfast. He hands me work release papers. "All we need is proof of employment and you're free to go to work."

Until then they put us to work in the group home. The boys who had jobs left for them, some had summer school or training of some kind. So Lip and I worked in the laundry room together.

"I'm going to get us out of this," says Lip.

"Who do you think called?" I ask. The question has been on the back of my mind since it happened.

"Who the fuck knows?"

"What will you do when you find out?"

"Break their fucking jaw," says Lip. He sneaks a cigarette. I am happy he does. He's getting a bit moody. I'd rather him have his fucking nicotine than snap at everyone who approaches him like he's a chained up dog.

They do let us out as a group, but we're not allowed to leave the premises without permission. Lip and I sit on the porch with a few other guys around and we stare out onto the street. A black boy runs to the gate to see a girl who is standing on the other side.

"I'm going to sneak Mandy in," says Lip, "You want to bring in Mickey?"

"He'd never go for that."

"Cheer up, Ian. It's not the worst thing that's happened to us. Remember when you stayed with that really religious family?"

The memory brings about laughter. That was a lot worse than this. They forced me to go to church and I had to kiss a girl, it was awful. "So uh, Mickey kissed me."

"Sure took him long enough," Lip says lighting his second cigarette.

"We robbed Dr. Lishman's house and he ran back to the van and kissed me."

"You robbed Dr. Lishman? Where the fuck was I?"

"Don't tell Jimmy."

"I won't, but I'm impressed. My little brother robbing houses with Mickey Milkovich, I'm so proud of you." Lip rubs my head. I laugh and nudge him with my arm.

"Then Mickey got shot in the ass," I tell him.

"That's why he was in our house yesterday."

"I really want him to kiss me again."

"So go for it, man."

When it's time to come inside for lunch I stick close to Lip. The man in charge sits down across from us and hands me some papers. "Your proof of employment came through so you're going to work tomorrow. Get your manager to sign this. Lip, you have community service. If you miss the bus I report you to a social worker. Ian, you're an exception."

I nod. I am happy to have a reason to leave. I really just want to get out of this place. Lip and I need to find our family. We have to get the family back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should have mentioned I am trying to keep in line with canon.


	32. Counting Gallaghers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey helps Ian track down his siblings in foster care.

Ian was taken away from me. He was placed in fucking foster care or a group home or something. I haven't heard a word in 48 fucking hours. I even went by his house to see if Fiona or that Jimmy knew anything. Not even Mandy knows anything.

I'm in the store today. Linda asked me to run the store until Ian gets back. She wants me to open for her in the mornings. So it's a huge fucking surprise when a certain red head walks through the door an hour after we open.

"Ian," I say, my heart is in my throat.

"My proof of employment came through so here I am. I'm really sorry I missed our date," Ian says.

"We can reschedule," I tell him, I'm just fucking happy he's here. I touch his hand. He looks stressed out. I do a quick scan of the store before I lean across the counter and kiss him on the lips. He seems surprised at first then he gives in to me.

"Oh, Jesus, just get it fucking over with so you can focus on work," says Linda over the loud speaker. We don't use our tongues in the kiss. I pull back, Ian's smiling at me.

"So where are you staying?" I ask.

"We're in a level fourteen group home."

"Oh shit," I say, I lean over and kiss him again. _Kissing Ian Gallagher feels fucking good._ "Oh, I got you something."

I place a box of _Reese's Pieces_ on the counter. Ian smiles and kisses me on the cheek. _No. Its lips or nothing. Fuck that shit._ I grab his collar and kiss his mouth.

"Okay, I'm going out for a while. Please lock the door behind me and just have at it. I don't want my customers aware of the sexual tension in the atmosphere," says Linda. "Mickey, can't you keep it in your pants? You look like you're about to devour him."

We don't wait to be told twice. I lock the fucking door behind her and take Ian back to the stock room. I strip him slowly. He pins me against a wall and kisses me this time. We sit on the floor naked and touching. I have my hand in his lap casually playing with his fire red pubes. He's looking at me the way I like.

"I really like you," Ian says.

_Oh fuck don't start that shit._

"Yeah," I say, "Ditto."

And then he's on me. He gives it to me good and hard. There are knocks on the door of the store but there is no fucking way I'm letting anyone in here. Ian and I finish at the same time and clean up. We always clean up.

Linda comes back after we put our clothes back on and unlock the store. She seems satisfied so she goes upstairs. "That's much better. Now get to work. I don't mind if you talk. No flirting, no kissing, and no eye contact."

"Want me to get you anything while you're in that fucking place?" I ask as he dives into his _Reese's Pieces._

"I want you to tell Fiona where Lip and I are."

"Done. What else?"

"Help Debbie. They placed her alone. I'm worried about her."

"I'll do what I can. Do you know where she is?" Ian shakes his head. "I'll try to find her. Don't worry, Ian."

"You called me Ian again."

"Yeah, well, Gallagher is such a long fucking name. So how was your first couple of nights in the group home?"

"I was afraid I was going to be stabbed. I couldn't sleep alone."

_Who the fuck did you sleep with?_

"So what did do you? Stay up and make sure no one came near you?"

"Yeah for awhile then I crawled into Lip's bed with him."

_Oh, it's just fucking Lip._

"Here," I say putting a switch blade on the counter. Ian looks at it and then at me. "Protect yourself so you don't have to sleep with Lip."

"They check us for this shit, Mick."

"Then hide it," I say.

"Where?"

I look at him. He finally catches on and looks horrified.

"No thanks," says Ian sliding it back across the table to me. I open the blade and stab the knife into the countertop. Ian jumps on impulse.

"Take the fucking knife, Ian," I say. Ian takes the knife out of the counter, closes it and puts it in his pocket. I take a handful of his _Reese's Pieces_. He smacks my hand.

After work, I walk Ian to the bus stop and then head out to find Fiona. She's no longer digging up bones of the old fucking lady Frank buried fifteen years ago. The yard is being patched up. I take a deep breath and knock on the door.

"It's Mikey right?" says some asshole whose name is Jimmy I think.

"Mickey. Where's Fiona?"

I let myself in. Jimmy goes back to cooking mac and cheese in his underwear. I roll my eyes. "Fiona is in the bathroom."

"Hey, Jimmy, we're out of toilet paper. Mickey?" says Fiona, "Mandy's not here."

"I'm here for you. Ian and I work together."

"You've seen Ian?" Fiona asks. She's touching me. _Why is she touching me?_ I pull back. She gets closer. There is a blazing look in her eyes. _She's desperate._ I let her get as close as she needs.

"Yeah, I saw him today. He wanted me to tell you that he and Lip are in a level fourteen group home. I have the address." I put it on the table for her. "He doesn't know where Carl, Liam, and Debbie are."

Fiona hugs me. _Am I supposed to hug her back?_ I stand there and wait. She releases me and cups my face for a moment. _What the fuck is happening?_

"Thank you. Okay, I know where the boys are. Put your pants on," she smacks Jimmy on the ass.

"We're leaving now?"

"No time to waste. I need to see my brothers."

"Can't it wait?"

_No, it can't fucking wait, asshole._

"I'm going to look for Debbie. Do you know anything at all?" I ask.

"No, but if find her give her some money," says Fiona. She hands me twenty-five dollars. She's way too fucking trusting. I put it in my back pocket. "Also, if you see Frank please tell him I'm looking for him. We need him to be clean to get the kids back. He has to pass the drug test."

"Got it. Anything else?"

"Yeah, thanks again."

_How did I get so mixed up in this?_

 


	33. Sleep Over Invitations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey invites Ian over so he can get away from the group home.

Fiona and Jimmy find us at the group home. I hug her the moment I see her. She kisses me. Lip joins the hug. I nod at Jimmy, before I notice that Frank is even with them.

"How are you guys?" Fiona asks. "Do you need anything?"

"No, we're good. Did you find Debbie, Carl, or Liam?" Lip asks.

"No, but Mickey Milkovich did, surprisingly."

Lip and I look at each other.

"Well he knows where Debbie is. Veronica found Carl. He's staying with an uptight gay couple."

"Why is Frank here?" I ask.

"He's going to get you back for us. We're keeping him clean. What are you going two doing?"

"I have to work," I tell Fiona.

"Want a ride?" Jimmy asks.

"We have to take the bus." Fiona hugs us again. I don't want to let her go.

"Where's my hug?" Frank asks.

Lip and I flip him off as we walk to the bus.

Mickey is waiting for me when I walk in the store. He kisses me before he gives me information about Debbie. _I can get used to this._ He's smiling like I've never seen before.

"Debbie is staying with this black woman. I swear there must be thirty fucking kids in there. It's like a fucking sweatshop. I'm not sure she's feeding them."

My heart drops.

"Why didn't you fucking give her some food?" I ask shoving Mickey slightly. _Debbie. I'm sorry. We'll find you._ I begin to pace. Mickey holds out a hand to stop me. I slap it away. "Don't touch me. She's starving. I have to do something." I start to leave, Mickey stops me. I pull my arm away from him and he blocks the door.

"I have my brothers on it, ok. Calm down," says Mickey. He touches my arm again. "You didn't think I'd let Debbie starve? Come on."

"Sorry, I'm just stressed out," I tell Mickey.

"I can tell. You need to unwind."

"Okay, as romantic comedy-esque as this is, can you do some actual work? Stock the shelves," says Linda. I roll my eyes. Her spying on us is getting really fucking old. I get to work. I begin stocking shelves. Mickey helps too. I toss him a can of peas that he puts on the shelf.

"You fucking anyone in there?"

"God no."

"Good. If you're propositioned it's probably a set up. They want to find out you're gay and then pound the shit out of you, and not in a good way." I smile at him. "My dad took my brothers on a fishing trip. If you want to ditch that dump and crash at my place you can."

"Was I just invited to a sleep over?"

"Fuck you is what you're invited to."

"Sounds like a date," I say.

"You in or not, man?"

"I'm in."

Linda comes in after noon and tells she'll sign for my hours and cover the store. She lets us go early. Mickey and I grab some lunch from Wendy's and eat it on a bench together. Occasionally he'll touch my hand, but he won't hold it in public. When someone stares too long Mickey flips them off.

"You didn't have to buy," I tell him.

"Yes I fucking did, drop it," says Mickey.

"We could have gotten hot dogs at the park, it would have been cheaper," I tell him while digging into my Frosty.

"I said to fucking drop it. I paid, accept it and move on."

"Well, I mean, I know my family is poor but I don't want your charity."

"It's not fucking charity. Jesus fucking Christ, Gallagher! I invited you to lunch so I'm going to fucking pay."

"Actually, it was my idea you just suggested Wendy's."

I can tell Mickey is starting to get really mad. He doesn't verbally express his anger. He just munches away on his double Hot 'N' Juicy. I have a little money. I have enough to cover my meal.

"Put your fucking money away," Mickey growls.

"But," I start.

"I'm this close to kicking your ass," says Mickey.

I offer Mickey a spoonful of my Frosty. He won't open his mouth to me right away. When a lady gives him a dirty look he gives her the finger then opens his mouth to receive the chocolaty deliciousness.

"Hey, guys," says Tony. He appears out of nowhere. He sits down between me and Mickey and puts his arm across the back of the bench on my side. "I heard you're in a group home. Are you okay? Do you need anything? Want me to tell Fiona where you are?"

"She knows. Thanks."

Tony lingers. He steals a few of my fries while talking about something unbelievably boring. I don't even bother to check him out today. When he gets up he slaps my knee then rubs my head.

"You just let me know if I can get anything for you. Hi, Mickey," says Tony. He leaves. I do sneak a peek at his ass.

"He is the most boring cop in Chicago," Mickey says.

"Yeah, but he's sweet and he has a great ass," I say.

"He has a fat ass," says Mickey without missing a beat. He finishes off my Frosty. I stare at him. He doesn't look at me. I scoot closer to him. He doesn't get onto me for it. "Why does that guy keep talking to you?"

"Jealous?"

Mickey finally looks at me. His expression wipes the teasing smile off my face. I recoil. I shouldn't have said that to him. Mickey shakes his head and returns to eating my Frosty. I take his hand. He pulls back.

"That day you busted my drug deal Paul Blart Mall Cop said you two had ice cream together," says Mickey. "What was that about? Did you two fuck in his squad car? Is that why you can't stop staring at his fucking ass?" I don't like Mickey's tone.

"Jesus, Mickey. No. We didn't fuck. It wasn't even a date. I was looking for you and ran into him in the park. He offered to buy me ice cream. There is no need to be jealous over something that didn't even happen."

"Why do you stare at his ass then?" Mickey tosses our trash into the bin. He stands up and crosses his arms. He looks mad, but he won't make eye contact with me.

"I'm gay. I like men's asses."

It's the simplest answer I can think of.

"You still coming over tonight?" Mickey asks me.

"Depends are you still mad at me?"

"I'm not happy. But I still want you to come over," Mickey says, "I'll think of a way to sneak you out."

"Alright, I'll be there. But you better not be mad when I get there. This is absolutely fucking stupid. You're pissed off over nothing."

"I'm not allowed to be pissed that you're checking out another man's ass?"

I try to kiss Mickey to reassure him but he pushes me away and puts distance between us. I should have known better than to try to kiss him in public. He doesn't like it.

"Fags," hollers some guy as he passes. Mickey picks up a glass bottle lying next to the trash can and throws it at the guy. The bottle hits the guy in the back.

"Mickey, don't," I say.

"I'm going to kick your fucking ass," says the man.

"Yeah, let's go," says Mickey strutting over to him. I grab his arm to stop him.

"Mickey, come on, don't do this."

"I'll see you tonight. This guy is getting a beating," says Mickey. He touches my stomach and pushes me away. When I don't leave he pushes me in the direction of the Kash 'N' Grab. "Go."

"Mickey, please," I tell him.

I don't stay to watch him fight with the man. I leave like he told me. I walk back to Kash 'N' Grab to catch my bus. At least I'll be able to see him tonight. We're going to have a whole night together, just us and it his idea. That makes me happier than anything.


	34. Caught

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey's sleep over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taken from canon and put to Mickey's pov. For what I want to do with this story it seemed necessary to do this.

Ian Gallagher is sneaking out to spend the night with me. I tried to clean up the house some, but I took one look at the place and said "fuck it". Yeah, that's going to take an army to clean. I rent stupid _Spider-Man_ for Ian because I promised him we'd watch it.

He should be here anytime. It takes me forever to get Mandy to leave. She keeps wondering whose coming over. I insist I just want to kick back and watch Steven Segal movies in my underwear but she doesn't believe me.

Ian is punctual. I should have anticipated that. _Did I brush my teeth?_ I quickly sniff myself before I open the door. I hesitate. My heart is pounding rapidly, I can almost hear it. _Dude, you're losing it._ I open the door.

He puts his bag down on the chair and plops down on the couch like he owns the place. I give him beer and put the chicken nuggets in the oven. I can't cook much, but I can make fucking nuggets.

"So, Officer Tony and I had some good sex today," Ian says. I know he's joking. I glare at him. _That's not fucking funny._ "Come on, Mick. Lighten up. It's only a joke."

"If I catch that blond haired goody-two-shoes talking to you or looking at you longer than a fucking second I'm going to slash his tires then his neck," I tell Ian.

"He's in love with Fiona."

_Yeah, right._ I want to punch something. I had just gotten over that asshole putting his arm around Ian during lunch today and the little smug fucker has to bring it back up. I grab a knife and stab the counter top. It has a million cuts in it one more couldn't hurt. _Ian is mine._ I'm going to have to pay Tony a visit.

"Jesus, Mickey."

When the nuggets are done Ian agrees to watch my pick first. He goes on about how much he likes Van Damme. I don't want to hear about fucking Van Damme. He sits about a foot from me on the couch. I take the opportunity to stare at him. When he stares at me I look at the TV.

Halfway through our first movie Ian does something unexpected. He spreads out and leans against me. I am not sure what this is or what I'm supposed to do. He bends his neck to look up at me. I kiss his forehead. When he smiles his dimples show. I kiss him again.

"It's called cuddling, Mickey."

"Pass," I say.

"Come on," says Ian.

"I'm not your snuggle buddy," I tell him. But the damn bastard, like that fucking cat in juvie, snuggles me anyway. I am left with no choice. I put my arm around him. He has his head on my chest. He has his hand between my thighs. "Happy now, Princess?"

"Yes," says Ian.

When my choice is off Ian pulls himself out of my arms. That side of my body is warmer than the rest of me. I check out his ass as he puts in _Spider-Man._ Ian sits back down and sits with his legs over me and his back against the arm of the couch. He's half on me and half not. _I don't know about this._ He's so long. How does he bend this way?

"Okay, so James Franco plays Harry Osborne. He's the one I like," says Ian.

"You're such a girl sometimes," I tell him as I rub his leg. I realize I have been doing that since he sat down. He doesn't seem to notice until I stop doing it. Ian leans over and kisses me then settles back in to his spot to watch the movie. "Is there any way we can blow this off and fuck?"

"We'll fuck later. Why is everything about sex?"

I finally know what the Franco fucker looks like that Ian likes. Ian kind of drools a bit over him. I wish I could punch that guy in the face. Instead I stake my claim on Ian by pulling him into me. I kiss his mouth and touch his hair. I lay him back on the couch and take my time. _Mine._

"We should watch more James Franco movies," says Ian as we start to get very grabby. I shut off the dumb movie I had no intention of watching anyway. I smack Ian on the ass and nod toward my bedroom.

We haven't done it in an actual bed in a long time. Ian doesn't go slowly nor is he gentle. I like it hard and rough. We do it several times before either of us actually falls asleep. I wake up and Ian isn't in my bed. Panic sets through me. I fumble out of bed. Ian is rummaging through the fridge. I feel better. I thought he might have left or my dad came home.

"You have nothing but beer in here," says Ian.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I was going to make pancakes."

"I have a better idea." I smile at him.

Ian smirks and follows me to the living room. We strip down. I get an idea and share something with him that I haven't before. I bring out my beads. Ian is confused about their purpose.

"You put them in my ass and then pull them out real slow," I explain.

"How is that fun for me?" He turns me over.

"Careful on the cheek," I tell him. It's still sore from when I got shot in the ass.

"I'll go on the other side," Ian says and he prepares to enter me. I relax as he works me from the back, until fear and panic set in. I hear the door of the house open and my heart stops beating. My father has returned.

My dad attacks Ian. My response is automatic. It's as if protecting Ian is hardwired into my brain. I jump on my dad to pull him off Ian. I want to give Ian a chance to escape. He tries but my father pulls a gun on him.

I don't care what he does to me. _Don't hurt Ian._ I try to grab my father's gun, but he takes it and starts hitting me repeatedly with it. I can see Ian bleeding from where my father hit him. I want to throw up. _I'm sorry._

"I'll kill you," my father threatens. He is back at Ian's face again with the gun.

"Don't touch him," I say. Dad hits me with the gun. "No son of mine is going to be an AIDs monkey. No Milkovich is going to take it up the ass. Never. You fucking hear me. Fucking Gallaghers. You're all degenerates."

He gets on the phone with someone asking about a Russian. _He's going to have someone kill us? Or worse, he's going to have them kill Ian._ Fear sets up camp inside me as we wait. I try not to look at Ian and he certainly doesn't look at me. I don't blame him. I just want him out of this.

But the Russian is a woman; a thin woman with dark hair. My father forces me to fuck her in front of Ian. _No. No, I can't._ He points his gun at Ian and I have no choice. Ian looks broken. I reach a point where looking at him while fucking this whore is no longer an option. I flip her over so I don't have to see the pain on his face. _Forgive me._

When I release inside her my father is unsatisfied but he lets Ian go. He doesn't let him get dressed first. Ian is sent away in nothing but his boxers. I am on the couch. I want to escape, but there is nowhere to go where he can't get me.

"If you ever go near that boy again I'll kill him in front of you. If you ever speak of him, or he ever comes into my house again he's dead. I'm fucking serious, Mickey. You know I'll kill him. I know what prison is like."

"Please," I say. It gets me another whack with the pistol across the face. I hold back the tears that are coming.

"What the fuck were you thinking? You're disgusting," my father says.

I leave. I retreat to my room to lick my wounds. I hold back the tears until I have no strength left to fight them. I let them come. _I'm sorry, Ian._

 


	35. Bruised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fiona gets guardianship of the kids.

I walked back to the group home bruised and broken. I watched my boyfriend get raped by a Russian woman while his father pointed a gun at my head. _Oh, Mickey, I'm so sorry._ I reached a point where I could no longer stand the pain on his face and I had to look away. It was too much to watch him hurt like that.

I can't go back there covered in blood. I make a detour to Kash 'N' Grab and go inside to clean up. Linda doesn't ask questions. I break down in the bathroom. I can't get that scene out of my head. Mickey's face makes me ache inside. After I get dressed and cleaned up Linda has a hug waiting for me. She still doesn't ask questions.

"I'm not coming in today," I tell her.

"Mickey called in too," says Linda.

I nod. She gives me a free beer and a donut. I nod and leave. I don't even bother trying to sneak back into the group home. Lip is waiting for me on the front steps. I consider telling him what happened, but I don't.

"What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight," I say.

"With Mickey?"

I shake my head. Lip puts his hand on my back. I force back a sob. It's the hardest thing I've had to swallow. I shake from head to toe. Lip can feel it I know he can.

"So it was Frank. Frank called DCFS."

I stop walking and look at Lip in disbelief. He nods. Frank called DCFS on us. Frank. My fucking father. That man whose name we hold. That man who is supposed to love and provide for us. He betrayed us.

"He's no longer dad. He's just Frank," says Lip.

"He's always been just Frank."

"Are you okay?" Lip asks seeing more than a physical bruise on me. I want to tell him. I just nod. He doesn't believe me. "Ian?"

"I'll tell you when I'm ready."

Lip gives me a hug. I embrace him like my life depends on it. I cling to him. I dig my nails into his back and fucking hold him. I need to be held. Lip just squeezes me and I lose it. I break down in his arms. He squeezes me tighter. I feel him rubbing my back and I clutch the back of his shirt with all the strength I can.

"Let it out, Ian. It's okay."

I don't know how long I'm crying for but Lip just holds me the whole time. When my wailing dyes down to just sniffles Lip gives me one final squeeze before he lets go. My face hurts from crying.

"Why do I feel like this has nothing to do with Frank," says Lip.

"Because it doesn't," I say.

Lip rubs my back gently. We go inside the facility where we're being waited on. Lip had to cover for me. I feel bad asking him to do that, but he did it anyway.

We go to the court house and see Fiona and Frank battle it out in court over custody. I sit behind Fiona. I want her to win. I want her to cut Frank out of our lives completely. I want him gone. I want him to never come around again.

He turns around to smile at us, Lip and I flip him off. We sit through everyone's testimonies against Frank. When it's my turn I make sure to mention the times he beat me up. I am taking him down. He broke up our family. He's nothing but a leech.

But the whole time, I can't stop thinking about Mickey. How he must be feeling. I can't stop picturing his face as the woman raped him. I can't stop seeing the gun hitting him repeatedly in the face. I can't imagine what horrors he is facing by Terry right now. A tear escapes my eyes and falls down my cheek. Lip sighs and gives me a nudge. He motions for me to go into the hallway with him.

"Something bad happened, Ian."

"I can't tell you right now. Trust me, okay. Just be here."

"Yeah, I can do that."

I lean into Lip. He puts his arm around me. We sit like this for a few minutes before Jimmy asks us to come back in. I wipe my eyes. Lip goes first. He gives me a moment to get it together. I go into the bathroom and wash my face. I don't want to look upset for Fiona.

She's telling the judge a story about when I almost died as a baby. She had to carry me to a hospital. My temperature was 104. Fiona has always been there for me. Frank never has. Resenting him is second nature.

When the trial is over, Fiona wins. She becomes our legal guardians and we get to go home again. I'm happy to be out of the group home, but I'm sad over Mickey. Fiona stops me.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't talk about it," I tell her.

"Are you sure?"

"He won't even tell me," says Lip.

"This is serious, Ian. You should talk to someone."

"I will, soon."

The only person I want to talk to is Mickey. But that doesn't seem likely. Then an idea hits me. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I know who I'm going to talk to.

"I'll see you at home later, okay," I tell Lip and Fiona. They trust me. Fiona still looks concerned. But I know she trusts me. I leave the courthouse, run to the bus stop and take the bus to the juvenile detention center.

"Well, well, well, look what the wind blew in," says the man at the sign in window. He greets me with a firm handshake. "Mickey isn't here anymore. He's eighteen isn't he?"

"I'm here to see Ryan," I tell him.

He lets me pass. I wait in the visitor room while they get Ryan. He sits across from me looking confused. He picks up the phone on his side and I grab my mine. I quickly go into detail about what happened. Ryan takes it all in.

"Holy shit," is his response. If you ask me it's the perfect response. I break down again. I needed to tell someone and he seemed perfect.

"How the fuck are you still functioning?" Ryan asks me. "No, really? How are you still able to even mentally function? I can't imagine how Mickey is right now."

"Me either. I'm staying away from him for awhile. I want his dad to cool off and I don't want to cause any more trouble for him. I'll let him come to me."

"Probably for the best, but that's not what he wants."

"What do you mean?"

"He's crazy about you," Ryan says.

I feel my face turning red. I've never heard anyone except Linda mention Mickey's feelings towards me. Now I just feel worse that he's in so much pain right now.

"Maybe I should I end it," I say, "Just take myself out of the picture."

"Don't kill yourself."

"No, that's not what I meant. I meant take myself out of his life."

"No. Mickey wants you around. He'll never admit it. I get out of here soon. I'm going to see him. He needs someone right now."

"I wish it were me," I say wiping the tears off my face.

"I do too. There are so many forces trying to keep you two apart, yet so few who want you together. It's a clandestine affair to rival them all. Suck it, Nicholas Sparks," says Ryan. I genuinely laugh at his attempt at humor.

"I really care about Mickey," I tell Ryan after a few moments of silence.

"I know that, Ian. I know exactly how both of you feel about each other. You can't fake that."

"So why does it hurt?"

"Because you're in love. Love isn't easy."

"I am."

"What?"

"I am in love," I say. It's not like I'm just now realizing it. I've known it the whole time, but I think this is the first time I actually mentioned it to someone.

"Good for you," Ryan says happily. "I'm glad one of you assholes admits it."

"Thanks for talking to me, Ryan."

"Anytime, Ian. And I know it's hard, but staying away for a while is probably a good idea. Don't cause any trouble for Mickey. Let it blow over."

I nod. He's forced to leave and I am kindly escorted out. Several boys holler and wave at me. I flip them off and they swoon. I shake my head and leave. I don't feel pain anymore, I feel numb. I feel bad for Mickey. I just want him to be okay.

 


	36. Drunken Lullabies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey gets drunk to deal with what happened between him, Terry, and Ian.

I stayed in bed for three days in a row after the nightmare happened. It was due to fatigue, and emotional and physical pain that kept me bound to bed. I'm still fucking sore all over, but in all the pain and all the bruising I can't stop thinking about Ian's reaction.

If I had it my fucking way I would never leave this bed unless I had to shit or eat. And right now I have to do neither. I have had my slew of visitors. My dad has been the most frequent. He pops in to tell me I'm a disappointment and that he'll kill Ian if I ever see him again.

_Ian._ I can't help but smile. But my smile disappears when I see him with a gun pointed at his head. I spring up in my bed panting.

"Hey," says a familiar voice. I look over and fat ass Ryan is sitting on the couch in my bedroom. He's actually fucking waving at me. _I must be dreaming._ How the fuck is he even here?

"How are you even here?"

"They let me out early. I have to a get a job and a place to live, but I'm free."

"No, I mean, how the fuck are you in my room?"

"Oh, Mandy let me in. You look like shit."

I don't reply.

"I've had a rough fucking week."

"I know. Ian told me."

"When did you see Ian?" I ask a little too eagerly. I mentally kick myself. _What if Dad hears we said his name?_

"About three days ago, he came to visit me. He told me everything. I had to check on you. How the fuck are you?"

_Miserable. Lonely. Depressed. Horny. Take your fucking pick._

"How the fuck do you think I am?" I light up a cigarette. I'm practically shaking. I haven't had one in days. I punch a fucking hole in my wall in frustration. Ryan doesn't even flinch. He just stares at me. He does not pity me. He understands me. _Fuck you, Fat ass._

"So what are you going to do?" Ryan asks.

"About what?"

"About Ian," Ryan asks.

I've thought of nothing but this for three fucking days. I just want to run to him and kiss him and do all the things we used to do, but I can't. My dad threatened to kill him. My dad doesn't just threaten. He carries them through. Losing Ian is not an option.

"I'm going to make him hate me," I say.

"Why?"

"Because if he hates me he'll move on, he'll find someone else and he'll be safe."

"But what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You can't sit there and tell me that you'll be 100% okay with seeing Ian in the arms of another man. You can't tell me that you wouldn't spend a long time pining for him and wanting to be with him. If you told me those things, I would call bull shit. You can't do it."

"Fuck you."

I break down. Ryan has never seen me cry before. He doesn't judge. He doesn't try to touch me or comfort me. He just sits across the room from me while I let it out. I don't cry often and when I do it's short sobs. When I am left with just sniffles I look at Ryan.

"What do you think I should do?"

"Give it some time. Try to stay away from him for a while until your dad cools off."

"Staying away is something I never learned to do when it comes to Ian Gallagher," I say taking a drag off my cigarette.

"You're going to have to try, Mick, at least for a while."

"I fucking know that." I punch another hole in the wall. "Can we get some beer?"

"You want to drink your sorrows away?" Ryan asks, "If you did that you'd succumb to alcoholism, because, friend, you could not drink enough to take away your pain and sorrow."

"I can fucking try."

I send Ryan into Kash 'N' Grab for beer. I wait outside half a block down. Ryan carries three six packs and tosses me cigarettes. "He knows me, dipshit. He asked if I was hanging out with you." Ryan says.

"What did you say?"

"I said I was looking for a job and thought this might be a good neighborhood for it."

"And what did he say?"

"He offered me a job at the store. So I took it."

_You fat motherfucker._ I glare at him. It doesn't faze him. I take my first beer and crack it open. We go back to my house and drink. I feel myself getting a little carried away, but I don't stop drinking. By nightfall I am drunk off my ass.

"I fucked Ian Gallagher," I tell Ryan. "I fucking loved it."

"You are so wasted," says Ryan, "No more beer for you."

"I think I have feelings for him."

"That's obvious," says another voice in the room. I don't know who it is. Everything is getting really blurry. "Should we give him some water and sober him up? I swear if Terry hears this he'll fucking kill him, he's being really loud."

"Let's take him outside," says Ryan. They carry me outside. I can barely walk.

"I really fucking love kissing him. He tastes like cigarettes and pancakes. And his dick is this big." I hold out my arms as far as they can go. I stumble over and someone catches me. "And sometimes he lets me put in my mouth. I like that too."

"God, he's chatty when he's drunk."

"I wanna tell him that he's feally rucking hot. I mean rully feacking hot."

I try to walk, but I don't get very far. I try again and I manage to stand up. I try to locate the Gallagher house and walk in that direction. Ryan and whoever chases after me.

"How many drinks did he have?"

"I lost count," says Ryan.

I don't remember falling asleep or getting into a car. The sun is shining into the window of an old car that smells like death and shit. It's been stripped for parts. I cover my eyes to shield them from the sun. My head is fucking killing me.

"Good morning, Star Shine," says Ryan who is holding out a beer and a donut for me. Next to him is Iggy. They're both munching on donuts in a Donut Bank box. I take a sip of the beer and down the donut as if it's the last donut I'll ever have.

"What the fuck am I doing under the L?" I ask.

"You got really drunk so we brought you out here so Terry wouldn't hear you profess your love to Ian Gallagher," says Iggy.

"I did what?"

"You were spouting out some pretty incriminating shit," says Ryan. _Shit. Fuck. Damn._

"I guess now you know," I point at Iggy.

"I've known for a while," says Iggy, "It's pretty obvious. If anyone is in a room longer than two minutes with the two of you they'll know. It's how you look at him and how he looks at you. The sexual tension is there. The smile you get on the corner of your mouth when you think about him. It's all there."

_Fuck._ I try to stand up but I fail epically. I sit back down and take an Aspirin that Iggy offers me. I have never been that drunk before. I've been drunk, just not at that level before.

"What the fuck am I going to do?"

"Stay away from Ian Gallagher," says Iggy.

"I don't want to stay away from him," I tell them, "I want to see him. I want to let him know I'm okay. I need to see him."

I take off walking toward Ian's house. I stumble once or twice. Suddenly I'm on the ground and Iggy is on top of me. He won't let me up until Ryan brings his fat ass over. Iggy gets off me and I try to bolt, but they restrain me.

"I NEED TO SEE HIM!" I cry out. I have tears in my eyes. "Just give me five minutes. Please."

"No," says Iggy.

I elbow him in the stomach and stand up ready to fight him. Ryan steps between us.

"Five minutes," Ryan says, "Then you have to distance yourself, Mickey."

Ian Gallagher is in his bedroom changing. I stand outside the house and stare at the back of his head in the window. I can't go inside. They're right. I have to stay away from him. For his own good. I can't be with him if it means his life.

"Aren't you going to knock?" Iggy asks.

"No," I say. I kick a beer can on the street and walk away with my head down.

 


	37. Fonder Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian pines for Mickey.

"How's Mickey? I haven't seen him in a while," I ask Mandy at school.

"He's finally out of the house, almost fully recovered," says Mandy.

"What's wrong with him?" Lip asks, he lights up a cigarette in the hallway. _He's going to get in trouble, but I don't think he cares._

"Dad pistol whipped him," says Mandy.

"Why would he do that?"

"Why does anyone need a reason to pistol whip Mickey," says Mandy.

I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't seen him since that night, and I think he's avoiding me. I thought maybe a few weeks would be enough time, but this is drawing on a month. I doodle Mickey's name on my notebook and hate myself for it.

"I think he's avoiding me," I tell Mandy in class.

"Who?"

"Mickey."

"I didn't know you were friends," says Mandy.

"Well, we work together. He hasn't shown up for work. I was getting worried."

"Don't worry about Mickey," says Mandy. She starts talking about Lip and how Karen is back in town and that's a problem. If I were Karen, I'd stay well away from the Milkoviches. You try to take what is there's and you're in trouble.

After school, I start proactively searching for Mickey. I have a good idea where to start looking. I go to the building where we had target practice. I hear someone firing a gun. With my heart thudding in my chest, I run as fast as I can into the building. It is Mickey. He's shooting at beer cans. He looks tired and beaten.

"So you've been shot twice because of me and pistol whipped," I try to make a joke, but he isn't responding. "Would you look at me?" Nothing. I try to touch him. He pretends he doesn't notice. "So are we done then? Is it over? Your father catches us and we're over?"

I think I hear Mickey sniffle. I touch his arm. He stops firing his gun for a moment. He looks at me for just a brief moment before firing his gun again. I shove him. "Ignore me then." I walk away. I can barely walk. I feel faint. I want to break down. It can't end this way.

Ryan is working today at Kash 'N' Grab. He is sitting behind the counter when I walk in. He perks up a bit. "Hey, I thought you had the day off?"

"Mickey's avoiding me," I say.

"I know," says Ryan.

"You know? And you're okay with that?"

"I'm not the go-between, Ian. Just give Mickey some time."

It's not that easy. I want to be with him so badly. I turn to leave. Ryan stops me. "Here," he says. He slides a box of _Reese's Pieces_ across the counter to me. "Don't give up."

I smile and take them happily. _I got your message, Mick._ I want to be with Mickey. I don't give a shit what his dad thinks. Mickey and I belong together. As hard as the universe is trying to keep us apart, I am trying to keep us together. I want to be with him, and I know he wants to be with me. I just know it.

"Maybe I should talk to Terry," I suggest.

"No. He'll kill you, Ian," says Ryan, "I'm staying at their house. Trust me, he'll fucking kill you."

I nod. Ryan doesn't let me leave until I agree to stay very far away from the Milkovich house. At home, the family is trying to come up with a way to keep the house. Our cousin Patrick filed a fake will of our Aunt Ginger. Now he is trying to take our house. Fiona is looking for a new house, but it will be really far away and I don't want to leave Mickey.

"We could kill him," suggests Carl. Carl would be the one to suggest something like that. Debbie writes it on the list anyway. I zone out. I can't focus on this because I'm thinking of Mickey. Lip notices. Lip always notices. He rubs my back.

"We aren't killing Patrick," says Fiona.

"Why not?" says Jimmy, "I mean, honestly, it could work."

The only thing we can think of is to get Mickey and the Milkovich brothers to scare him a little. I wish I was the one asking instead of Mandy. I get up. I can't stand sitting here thinking about Mickey.

I walk outside to get some fresh air and spot someone across the street staring at the house. It's Mickey. He walks closer to me. I climb down the stairs two at a time and meet him. He pins me against the side of my house and kisses me like it's his last fucking opportunity to do so.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" I ask after the kiss.

But Mickey just kisses me again. He gropes me like he never has before. He shows ownership. I don't mind being manhandled by him. I'm just happy he's here. _He tastes like bacon and beer._ After the kiss, Mickey steps back.

"Please talk to me," I say.

But he doesn't. He leaves without a single word. Lip puts his hand on my shoulder. I don't need to look to know it's him. Lip squeezes my shoulder and doesn't speak. He just stays with me. I sit beside him on the back steps of the house. We pass a joint back and forth in silence.

"We're fucked for life when it comes to relationships," Lip says.

"Who're we blaming this time?" I ask taking the joint.

"I think on this one we have to blame ourselves."

"How about I blame you and you blame me," I suggest.

"That works. Is he really worth it though?" _Yes. Fuck yes. Oh my God, fucking yes._ I know my eyes give it away. I don't even have to answer. "Jesus, Ian, you really have it bad."

"Is Mandy worth it?"

"She's cute, and she's really good at fucking," says Lip.

"She's more than that," I go on the defensive.

"Sorry. I just haven't figured out how I feel about her."

"You're still hung up on Karen," I point out.

"Fuck you, no I'm not."

"Yeah, you are, Lip."

"When are you going to tell me what happened between you and 'Fuck U-Up'?"

"Soon," I say, "Don't change the subject."

Lip and I sit on the porch for awhile thinking of ways to get Patrick off our backs. The murdering Patrick idea of Carl's really seems like the only logical decision, but we try to avoid it. Lip and I throw out humorous and asinine ideas that are never going to work just to pass the time. We help each other take our minds off our relationships.


	38. Murder, He Wrote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey's forced to help his brother hide the body of a gay man he's killed. Mickey fears the worst.

After that late night kissing session with Ian I vowed to keep away. I'm doing a shitty ass job of it. I walk by his house at least once a fucking day. It's like a compulsion. I have to have Ryan and Iggy keep me occupied to keep me away.

I just want to see him so bad I can't help myself. But my dad is still onto us. So when Mandy moves back in after living with the Gallagher's dad looks right at me. When she mentions plans with Ian, dad looks at me. It's been a month and a half and it hasn't blown over.

Meanwhile, I have Ryan give Ian subtle messages from me. He gives him candy, and the CD's I make for him just so he won't give up on me. _Losing Ian Gallagher is not an option._ But I still push him away. I keep him at a distance. I go out of my fucking way to avoid him. And it's killing me.

"You," says my dad, coming into my room. Ryan is lying on the couch in my room looking at porn; I'm sitting on my bed cleaning my gun. Dad slams my door. It doesn't fully shut, so it just comes back at him.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Svetlana is pregnant," He says.

"Who the fuck is Svetlana?"

He looks me in the eyes for the first time in over a month. _Oh, her._ I look at the floor. _She's pregnant. I barely came. Fuck._

"You're going to marry her," says Dad.

"No fucking way! NO FUCKING WAY!" I didn't honestly think my father would attack me in front of Ryan but he does. He throws me into the wall with all his strength. I look at Ryan for a fleeting moment to try to tell him to stand down and not interfere. This isn't his fight.

"You will marry her or I'll hunt that fucking little redhead down and kill him," says Dad.

"You can't do that," I say.

"I know where he lives, Mickey. I know you went over to that house. I know what you did. I know you've had that fucking fat bastard giving him presents behind my back. You will marry Svetlana and be a husband to her, or he's fucking dead."

Dad drops me on my bed, kicks me and then leaves. I lie there trying to catch my breath. Ryan looks horrified and pitiful. It's a long time before either of us speaks, and I am the one to do so.

"It's really over," I say.

"No, it's not. You can have your cake and eat it too," says Ryan.

I am about to speak when Dad comes back in. He grabs me by the collar and pulls me into the hallway. Ryan follows like an obedient little dog. I almost feel sorry for him.

"What's going on?" I ask as Dad continues to hold me by the collar like I'm a lion cub in his mom's mouth.

"I need help getting rid of a body," says Jamie. Mandy comes out of her room and joins the conversation.

"Who'd you kill?" Iggy asks.

"Some fucking queer," says Jamie. I look at Iggy, he looks at me and we both look at Ryan. I feel my dad's grip tighten on my collar. No one asks questions about him manhandling me like this. It's typical for our house. _Please don't be Ian._ A panic lights up like a fire within me. That would make my father much too happy.

"You will go with him to hide the fucking body," says Dad releasing me. I rub my neck. Mandy offers to come. She's pretty sneaky.

"Hey, um…if Karen Jackson dies I need an alibi," says Mandy.

"That's who you hit?" I ask.

"The bitch fucked Lip behind my back," says Mandy.

"I would have killed the fucking Gallagher instead of the girl," says Dad, "But I'll think of something, Mandy."

"Thanks. Let's go hide this fucking body."

The man my brother killed has red hair like Ian. _No. Don't be him. Please._ But when I get a good look at his face he is much too old to be Ian. I relax. My dad thumps me in the back hard. He begins dismembering the body. I have done this so many times I don't throw up anymore. Mandy shoves the body parts into bags.

I look at Ryan. He is leaning over puking his guts out behind the car. The sound of him retching makes me feel like copying him. But I hold it in. Dad looks over joyed. Jamie always was his favorite.

"One less fucking faggot in the world," says Dad shooting his comment toward me. I cross my arms and avoid looking at him. _Fuck you. I didn't ask for this._ "I have a few I'd like to kill."

"What's stopping you?" Asks Jamie as he cleans the murder weapon.

"Breaking Probation," says Dad. I know that's a fucking lie. What's stopping him? Me. I'm his fucking son. However, I wouldn't put it past him to fucking kill me. "Let's get out of here. Except you," He tells me. "You make sure there is no evidence."

They drive off and leave me behind. They even took Ryan with them. But as I stand alone cleaning up the evidence someone comes out of the woods. Mandy. She hands me a sandwich and some beer.

"Why is Dad so mad at you?"

"I knocked some bitch up and I'm going to marry her."

"That fucking sucks. Make her get an abortion."

"I can't."

"You're not seriously taking the moral high ground?"

"Fuck no. I just can't."

"You're making a big mistake," says Mandy, "Just like Lip. You're so fucking stupid."

_I fucking know that already._

"Thanks for the sandwich," I say.

"Since when are you nice?" _Since I've been seeing Ian Gallagher behind your back._

"If I was to tell you something important could you keep it a secret?" _What am I even saying this for? It's not a secret anymore._

"Yeah," says Mandy. I believe her. I am about to tell her when I hear approaching footsteps. Mandy quickly takes out her knife. _She's a true Milkovich._

"What the fuck are you doing out here?" Dad asks Mandy.

"I brought Mick a sandwich."

"Go home. I need to talk to your brother."

Mandy doesn't wait to be told twice. When she's out of earshot Dad hits me with a belt. When I am doubled over gasping for air he kicks me right in the stomach. He picks me up by my collar and stands me up.

"This could have been that Gallagher queer. I should kill you both."

"Why don't you?"

"Because you're a Milkovich. I am going to straighten you out if it's the last fucking thing I ever do. You will not be a faggot. No son of mine will ever be a faggot."

If I know what's good for me I'll keep quiet. I stand there and take it like a fucking man. I spit out blood. I think he broke a tooth.

"I'll marry her," I say. _I'm a fucking pussy._

"Good."

"Only if you leave Ian alone, and let him continue his friendship with Mandy."

"You don't give me ultimatums, boy. I don't want that kid any where you and if he's friends with Mandy he'll come near and you'll be tempted. If you're tempted he's fucking dead."

"He doesn't deserve this."

_Why the fuck did I say that? That's almost like saying, "I fucking love him!" I'm going to get myself killed and Ian too._ Dad begins beating me again. I take it. I don't cry. I don't flinch. I fucking take it. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he broke me. Fuck him.

 


	39. Just this Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A canon chapter from Ian's point of view. He finds out Mickey is getting married.

Mickey avoiding me is getting really fucking old. So when Mandy drops the bomb on me my world is turned upside down. I had never really considered that Mickey might not feel the same way about me as I do about him; I just thought it was a mutual feeling. I thought maybe he loved me. But I can see now that maybe he didn't ever love me at all. Was it all about the sex this whole time?

 _Mickey's marrying some whore he knocked up._ I can't get Mandy's words out of my head. I've been thinking about them all day. How could he get married? I can't focus on anything but this news. It's messing with my fucking head. Mickey is getting married.

I can't catch my breath. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and all the air is gone from me. _Mickey's marrying some whore he knocked up._ Is his dad making him? Is it that whore? I can't sit still.

"Is Mickey seriously getting married?" I ask Mandy in class. I can't fucking focus on the lesson anyway.

"Yeah, like in a couple weeks."

"Jesus, to who, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone?" God, I sound pathetic. I'm surprised Mandy hasn't figured it out yet.

"Well I don't think he was seeing so much as he was doing her," Mandy whispers. Like that's any better. Mickey's been fucking women to pretend I don't matter to him? Is that it?

"So why's he marrying her?"

"She's knocked up," says Mandy.

"So I don't get it. Is your dad making him?"

"I don't know. Why do you give a shit?" Mandy asks. Her tone is no longer playful. _I am fucking in love with him, that's why I give a shit._ I don't want to be here. I want to talk to Mickey. I need to talk to Mickey. Maybe Mandy has it wrong. She has to be wrong.

It feels like it took all fucking day for school to let out. I know a few places to look for Mickey, but the first place I go is what I have always considered _our_ spot, the roof top of the abandoned buildings.

Sure enough, Mickey is sitting inside drinking whisky. I fight back the anger that is bubbling inside me. I need answers. I want to know the truth. Mickey doesn't even acknowledge that I'm here. The dumb fucking jerk.

"So is it true, you're getting married?" I wait for an answer. He drinks but doesn't respond. "So who is it? Is it Angie Zago or some other piece of trash you screw so you can pretend I don't matter to you?" Mickey tosses something, but still doesn't answer me. He's testing my patience. I pick up a bottle and throw it.

"Hey, what the fuck, Gallagher?"

Oh, so we're back to Gallagher. I feel my blood boiling. The anger is replacing the hurt and confusion inside me.

"Oh he speaks," I say. Mickey gets up to leave. _Not without giving me some fucking answers, you piece of shit._ I follow him. "So that's it. We're over. Your dad beats the shit out of us and you're just going to get married, no conversation. Nothing?"

I try to get him to look at me. When that fails I attempt to kiss him. He shoves me.

"Get the fuck off me," Mickey says.

"You want to fag bash to make you feel like a man? Come on, go ahead do it," I say pointing to my face. But Mickey punches me in the stomach. I double over. He doesn't look happy.

"Fuck," Mickey whispers.

"You love me, and you're gay. Admit it. Just this once, fucking admit it." _I love you, can't you fucking see that? That whore doesn't love you._

Mickey punches me in the face. When I'm on the ground I taunt him, "Feel better now? Feel like a man?"

Mickey kicks me in the face. "Feel better now," he says as he leaves me lying on the ground. I just lay there and stare at the sky as I start to feel woozy. But the physical pain isn't even on the register with my emotional pain.

I don't know how I make it home. I don't remember getting up from the ground. I don't remember much of anything. I just know that Mickey doesn't love me anymore, or if he ever did. I walk through the back door like a fucking zombie. Only Fiona is home.

"Jesus, Ian, who beat you up?"

"No one," I choke out. I know I'm shaking. Fiona gives me one of her motherly hugs. I fight back whatever fountain of tears is about to come streaming down my face because I don't want to worry her anymore than I need to. "Here, put this on your face," says Fiona tossing me a bag of frozen peas. I go upstairs and lay down on my bed.

After an hour, Fiona comes up to tell me that some gays dropped off cheese and wine for Frank, whatever the fuck that means. I don't respond to her. I choke back a sob. Fiona sighs. I feel her rub my head. I want to ask her to leave, but I don't. Her touch is warming.

"Please talk to me; I haven't known what's going on with you at all lately. Ian," says Fiona. She kisses me on the cheek. I sniffle and then the sob I was forcing back escapes. "Shit, Ian. I hate seeing you like this, especially when I don't know why."

"I love him," I choke out.

"Oh, Ian," says Fiona, petting me affectionately.

"Hey, let me try for a while," says Lip. Fiona sniffles too. _Great, now my sister is crying._ Fiona's body is replaced with Lip's. I hear the sound of a Bic lighter and smell smoke. I continue to sob. Lip doesn't speak for several minutes. "I swear to fucking God if this is about Mickey Milkovich I'm going to kick his fucking ass."

"He's getting married," I tell Lip.

"I'm sorry," says Lip. I can hear the sincerity in his voice. He means it. "I remember when Karen was getting married. I felt like shit."

"You didn't love Karen," I remind him.

"Yes I did, at least at the time. I'm so sorry, Ian."

"Why doesn't he love me?" I ask.

"Because the Milkovich family is incapable of loving anyone but themselves so stop being so fucking sensitive, Ian," says Lip. I know he thinks he's being helpful, but I wish he would shut the fuck up.

"You're not helping," I tell him.

"Ian, you don't deserve to be treated this way." I don't respond I just sob into my bag of peas. "I am going to kick Mickey's ass. This is the last fucking time I plan to pick up the pieces of your broken heart. That fucking asshole better run the next time he sees me coming."


	40. Overprotective Gallaghers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gallagher's beat the shit out of Mickey for beating up Ian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have already written most of this story and am just posting the chapters. I have written all the way through season 4, but nothing for season 5, and I am extremely worried about Ian Gallagher. I mean, it physically hurts me to think of what my precious boy is going through. OMG.

I am shooting cans under the El with Ryan and Iggy, trying to take my mind off what I did to Ian. I hurt him. I caused him physical pain. I abused him. I hate myself for it. I wipe my eyes to keep from crying. I will not show weakness. I shoot at a can and try to forget. Ryan won't let me drink away the pain, so this is the next best thing.

"Hey," says Lip walking up with a cigarette in his mouth. _What the fuck does he want?_ Lip does something unexpected. He decks me. Iggy and Ryan stand up quickly to defend me but I hold out a hand to stop them.

"What the fuck, Gallagher?"

"That's for breaking Ian's heart. Yeah, I know about you two, you fucking piece of shit. Ian fucking told me. He tells me everything. He's my fucking best friend. I am getting really fucking tired of cleaning up after you. This is the second time you have made my brother cry. It ends now. You will never make him cry again."

"I don't know what you're talking about." _I'm a fucking idiot. Fuck._

"Oh, so you're going to pretend like nothing happened between you two. You're going to pretend my brother doesn't fucking matter? HE FUCKING MATTERS, MICKEY."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not fucking drunk, asshole."

Lip punches me in the stomach. I could stop him if I wanted to. The truth is I fucking deserve it. I deserve this for what I did to Ian. I don't fight back with Lip. I let him hit me. I let him take his anger out on me. I let him defend Ian. Because that's what this is about: Ian. Ian is someone we both lo—someone who matters.

"Don't come near him again. I fucking mean it. Instead of being mad at you, he's pining for you. It pisses me off. He keeps asking why you don't love him. He thinks it's his fault. He's been drinking heavily. Ian never drinks that much. Stay the fuck away, Mickey."

Lip gives me another good blow before he leaves. I drop to my knees on the ground and let the tears come out when Lip is gone. Ryan and Iggy look like they've both been shot at and missed. I wipe the tears from my eyes and look at Ryan.

"I'm a fucking asshole," I tell him.

"Yeah, kinda, but you had your reasons, Mick. Ian will come to see that in time."

"Look at the silver lining," says Iggy, "Ian loves you."

"How the fuck is that a silver lining?"

"That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

"Maybe," I say. _Yes. I want that. I can't have it._

"Mickey," says Ryan. "Are you okay?"

I think about what Ian said to me the other day, _"You love me, and you're gay."_ I hit him because it's true. I cannot deny this any longer. Ian Gallagher matters. My fucking world revolves around him. I need to accept it.

"Ian Gallagher matters," I say.

"Holy shit, did you just admit you love him?" Ryan asks.

"Fuck off. I said he matters."

This started out as just a crush, but it has become so much more. These feelings are real. I can't pretend they aren't there anymore. I can't repress them anymore. I can't run from them. They're real. They've been real for a while. Maybe that's why I'm in so much pain. It's not from my dad kicking my ass, or from the beating I just got from Lip, it's because I have real fucking feelings for Ian.

"I think I might actually lo—fuck."

"Holy shit," says Ryan and Iggy together.

"I'm an asshole," I say.

"Who the fuck is that?" Ryan asks nodding behind me. I whip around and see Fiona coming at me. She looks pissed. _Oh fuck, Mama Bear mode._

"Did you beat the shit out of my brother?" Fiona asks getting in my face. When I don't answer she shoves me. I stumble backwards. "I should kick your ass."

I could lie my ass off right now and make up some story about how he tried to fucking grope me so I kicked his ass, but it wouldn't help me. _Jesus, Ian, did you tell the whole family?_ Fiona shoves me again, and then hits me in the chest hard. _She hits pretty fucking hard for someone so petite._

"You don't understand," I say. _Why the fuck did I say that?_

"I understand that my brother was in fucking tears yesterday. Did you have something to do with it? I don't want to kick the wrong person's ass."

"Yeah, I did."

I take a beating from Fiona. Now, I could have easily have fought off Lip, but Fiona. I wasn't about to engage her. Not because she's a woman, but because I believe in Mama Bear Mode she could probably rip my arm out of socket.

"Don't you even want to know why?"

"No, I just want you to stay away from my family," says Fiona when she feels satisfied. She gives me another shove, wipes tears from her eyes and walks away. _Holy shit._

"She's hot," says Ryan, "Ian's sister?"

"Yeah," I say forcing back tears.

"How many Gallaghers are going to kick Mickey's ass today?" Iggy asks.

"How many Gallaghers are there?" Ryan asks.

"Six kids including Ian," says Iggy, lighting up a joint.

"Then I bet we'll see at least two more," says Ryan.

"I'll take that bet. I say we see one."

They shake on it. I flip them off.

"I hope that's the last one," I say.

But it isn't. After dinner or just eating chicken nuggets in front of the TV while watching _Storage Wars_ , there is a knock on the door. "Hey, Mick, some kid here to see you," says Ryan.

Carl Gallagher is standing at the door. He knees me in the groin. "That's for whatever you did to Ian, asshole." Then he walks away.

"You really should marry into this family. I like them," says Ryan handing over five dollars to Iggy who pockets it.

I flip him off and hold on to my crotch. Iggy tosses me an ice pack. I deserve it all. I deserve to fucking die. I hurt Ian. I am the worst fucking person in the world. I think the only Gallagher who hasn't hit me today is Debbie. I expect her to show up next.

But a little after everyone except me and Ryan has gone to sleep, Ian shows up. My father is a heavy sleeper; I don't worry about him waking up to find Ian here. Ian is standing on the porch. His face is red and puffy and he has purple bruises. My heart beat quickens at the sight of him.

"My entire family beat the shit out of you today," says Ian.

"Except Debbie," I say.

"In case you're wondering I told Fiona that you caught me with a guy and beat the shit out of me. I didn't tell her the truth. No. I wanted to keep your secret intact since that's what matters to you." _You're what matters to me._

"You told Lip."

"I tell Lip everything."

"Why are you here?"

"Oh, so now I need to justify coming over to see you? Fuck you, Mickey. I just wanted to make sure my family didn't beat the shit out of you too much, but sorry for fucking caring. I just thought maybe you would reconsider marrying this woman. I thought, and this is where it sounds really fucking crazy, you would pick me. But I can see I'm wasting my time."

And just like that, without giving me a chance to respond Ian leaves. He's angry. I don't blame him. _I would pick you if I had a fucking choice._ I slam the door and give it a swift kick out of frustration. I want to open it back up and chase Ian down the street, wrestle him to the ground and smother him in kisses and claim him and make him mine and show dominance. But I stare at the door. In Ian's absence I take in the sight of him, I take in the warmth I felt being near him again. I take in his pain, and his desperation. I take it all in.

"You matter," I whisper.

I go back to tell my room to tell Ryan what happened. I leave out the very last part, but I tell him about Ian showing up and about our confrontation and I crack. I break down into tears.


	41. Not Even a Little Bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is still hung up on Mickey.

As much as it hurts I am still head over heels for Mickey Milkovich. His appending nuptials become an obsession to me. I begin to probe Mandy for information. I don't even cover up why I want to know. I just ask. I need to know who the bitch is who is stealing Mickey from me.

"Mickey getting married does that make sense to you," I ask Mandy on the El.

"What sense needs to be made? Someone's pregnant, someone got them pregnant and that's why marriage was invented."

"They been going out long?" I want to know how long he'd been seeing her behind my back. I try to calm down so my rapid breathing doesn't alert Mandy to my predicament.

"Who knows I wasn't in on the courting or the fucking?"

"So where'd they meet?"

"She works at Garden Springs Spa, if you can count jerking off random dudes working."

"Is she pretty?"

"On the dead-eyed Russian handwhore scale I'd say she'd rank about a seven."

Russian? So is this _her_? Is Terry making Mickey do this? Does he even want to get married? Could there be a chance he really does love me? My heart flutters. I feel the blood rush to my face and I am swept up with emotion. Mickey could still love me.

I don't know why, but I go to the Garden Springs Spa. I want to see if this is _her_. I want to see this woman's face. I have to. _She_ comes out with another woman. They blaze up. _It's her. She_ raped Mickey. _She's_ the one he's marrying.

Lip is sitting in the window sill looking at a fucking phone when I throw my backpack at the window. He jumps. I start pacing the floor. I need to keep moving. It hurts too much to stop.

"That whore Mickey's marrying is an actual whore who works at Garden Springs Spa."

"Friends and family discounts on handy js," says Lip in jest.

I lean against the bunk bed, "Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him."

"Holy shit, when?"

"After he caught us together?" I try not to cry. Lip's seen me cry enough.

"Dude, how did I not know this shit?"

"I never told you. This is why I've been so down."

"So it wasn't Mickey who hit you."

I shake my head.

"Did it work?"

"He might have faked it once or twice. He wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now this chick is pregnant." He can't fake it even though he tries. I know he wishes he didn't have these feelings. I know he wishes he was different.

"Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new. Someone in his early twenties and not some old dude like Kash or Ned."

"Fuck you."

"Seriously, go into a gay bar and make your need known. Just have at it. I'll go with you if you like."

"You in a gay bar?"

"What? I'd be there supporting you."

I laugh. He tries to make me feel better. I appreciate him trying. But I can't get over Mickey just like that. I can't fuck someone new. I don't want to. I want Mickey. He's all I've ever wanted since I was fifteen.

"Mandy's upset that you're upset about Karen," I tell Lip.

"Jesus, how many people is Mandy talking to."

"She cares about you. Why I don't know? You can be a real shithead." _I love you, Lip. Thank you for having my back._

The wedding is in two days. I know I shouldn't go. I know I should avoid the place. I know I should never speak of it again, but I can't get it out of my head. I need to stop Mickey. I have to stop Mickey.

I toss and turn all night long thinking about the wedding. I envision myself in her place. I close my eyes and allow the fantasy to take over.

_The V.F.W. is decked out in bright colors; everyone is in their Sunday best. Mickey stands at the end of the aisle wearing an ill-fitted tux, handsome, and sexy, and very out of his element. Beside him is Ryan his best man; the guy who has been with Mickey through everything, and who shares Mickey's spirit._

_On the other side is Lip, my best man, handsomely dressed to perfection by Mandy, with a white rose in his lapel. He is smiling and smoking and looking very proud, beside him is Carl, who looks bored. I spot my sister, Debbie, with roses woven into her hair by Sheila Jackson, and wearing a beautiful golden dress. She's the flower girl. She drops petals in the aisle for me to walk on. And clinging to my arm is Fiona._

_Fiona is a vision in gold. It really brings out the brown in her eyes. Her hair is plaited down the back with flowers in it. She's stunning. I kiss her cheek before she walks me down the aisle. Fiona is giving me to Mickey._

_At the end of the aisle, I allow Fiona to kiss me. Her cheeks are wet from sobbing. I join Mickey. I take his hand. We're getting married. He's smiling at me and saying the words that will bind us in holy matrimony. He is mine and I am his. We kiss._

_"I'm looking forward to what comes after," says Mickey after the kiss._

_"The marriage?" I ask with a smile._

_"No, the fucking," Mickey says with a devilish grin. I roll my eyes and kiss him again._

"Ian," says Lip. "Wake up." The dream fades as I open my eyes to the bright light of the sun shining in my window. Lip smacks me on the stomach. "Get the fuck up, man."

"I had the best dream," I tell Lip.

"You kill Mickey," Lip asks taking off his shirt and browsing for a clean one.

"No. I married him."

"Jesus, was I there?"

"Yeah, you were my best man."

"Well if you ever get married to that asshole, I better fucking be your best man."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Lip and I trade punches. "I can't stop thinking about this wedding," I tell him after the joking subsides.

"Do yourself a favor and stay as far from that car wreck as possible. It's not worth it. You're going to get hurt again. I'm not fucking cleaning up Mickey's mess again."

Mandy comes in wearing nothing but a towel. Why do I sense Carl is hiding somewhere with a spy cam? "Can you help me set up this afternoon at the V.F.W?" She asks.

Lip turns her down.

"I'll help," I say getting out of bed.

Lip glares at me.

"I thought you were sick or something," says Lip. I glare right back at him. If I go set up I can see Mickey and maybe, just maybe talk him out of it. If we can get some time alone he'll have to listen to me. "Don't do it," Lip shouts as I leave the room. If Mickey doesn't agree I can just steal him and we can run off together. _Yeah, that'll happen._

But helping Mandy set up at the V.F.W. didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. All the shit she says about Mickey and this bitch make me want to drink. I wish I could tell her why I feel so bad. I wish I could tell her why I fucking care so much, but Mickey doesn't want her to know. He doesn't want anyone to know.

Being Mickey's dirty little secret is what led me to having a fucking drink at the Alibi. I knew Kev would be hesitant to serve me, but I beg him. He keeps them coming.

"Are you going to stay here and drink until Last Call?" Kev asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Heartbreak?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

 


	42. The Big Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey's wedding.

I'm getting married today. Fuck. The dumb bitch has been sleeping here. Dad fucking let her move in already. I came home and found my couch gone and my twin bed had been replaced with a fucking queen. My brothers had found the frame some fucking place. I don't even fucking care.

Ryan was booted out. Svetlana, as my bride is called, wanted him out. So he's renting a room with Iggy. _Fucking asshole traded me for Iggy._ But Ryan is nothing if not loyal. He is here in my room while I bang my fucking head against the wall.

"Ian," I say. Bang. "Ian." Bang. "Ian." Ryan stops my head from hitting the wall on the last one.

"Why are you doing this?" Ryan asks me.

"I can't get him out of my head. I'm losing my fucking mind. This is so fucked up."

"Mickey, you need to tell him how you feel or you'll never get him back."

I don't respond. He's right. Ian's hurt and he's pissed. I need for him to know that I do have real feelings for him. I just have to find a way to tell him.

"You," says my father throwing the fucking door open suddenly. I raise my face off the wall. He has a cigar in his mouth. "You're making the right decision, Mick." He puts his hand on my shoulder for a moment before he removes it and casually wipes it off on pants like I gave him some fucking disease.

"I want Ryan to stand up front with me," I tell him.

"Fat ass isn't coming. For all I know you've been fucking him too," says Dad angrily.

"I like women," says Ryan.

"Then you should have been my fucking son. You can come. I hope the red head shows up. I want to rub it in his face that I won. He doesn't have you. He'll never have you again. He can go stick his fucking cock in someone else."

_I hate you. Fuck, I'd settle for Frank._ Terry just looks through me. He's staring in my direction but he is looking right through me. It's like he can't even fucking see me. When he leaves I continue to bang my head on the wall.

"Ian." Bang. "Ian." Bang. I leave it there and let a single tear fall down my cheek. "Ian," I whisper on the last one.

The V.F.W. has a few decorations. Nothing to elaborate. Good, I wouldn't have it any other way. This fucking suit that Mandy is making me wear is too fucking big and it itches and I don't know whose fucking junk was in here before mine. I try not to fucking think about it.

I sneak off away from everyone to have a smoke before I get this fucking show on the road. I pace back and forth and loosen my collar. I hear a door open. I glance over expecting Ryan, but it's Ian. I suddenly can't breathe.

"You call me a punk or whatever for wanting a boyfriend, but you're going to marry someone who screws guys for a living," Ian starts.

"It's a fucking piece of paper."

"Not to me."

He starts to walk away. I can't allow that. We're finally alone together after months. I want him right here where I can fucking see him. I want him right where I can touch him.

"Just because I'm getting hitched doesn't mean we can't still bang, ok."

"But we can't be in love," Ian says. "If you give half a fucking shit about me." He starts coming toward me. I hold out my "U-Up" to put distance between us. "Half…don't do this."

I can't stare into those green eyes for long without want. I grab Ian by the neck and kiss him hard. He kisses me back and the next thing I know we're fucking, hard like two happy little gay bunnies. I muffle the moans that so desperately want to escape my lips. I kiss him again and bite his bottom lip. Ian climbs on top of me and takes over. He grinds against me until I am harder than a fucking rock.

"Are you going to do something about that?" I ask.

Ian kisses down my body slowly. When he reaches my shaft he licks up it from the balls to the tip. I shudder. He licks around the tip until his mouth is on it fully. While his tongue works my cock his hands find a new place to explore. He shoves one finger in my opening. I bite down on my knuckle to stop from screaming in delight. He shoves in two more and works them in and out. I buck my hips and try not to scream. Ian stops sucking when I am about to explode. He takes his fingers out and replaces it with his own hard cock. He thrusts inside me hard, rough, and fast and we release together.

"Holy shit," I say as I see stars. Ian kisses my stomach then keeps going. _Oh. My. Fucking. God._ He's hungry and I'm his fucking meal. I blow another load all over him before he even finishes. He smirks at me and makes me wait until he's finished.

"She can't have you," Ian says as he bites me hard enough to make my cock stiffen. I'm ready for another round, but they'll start looking for me soon. We get dressed. I pin him against a wall and give him the biggest fucking kiss I can.

"Damn, Gallagher," I say. He passes me a cigarette.

"So what are we going to do, tell everyone to leave?" Ian asks.

"Nah, I'm going get this show over with. Wait here for me. It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours."

"You're still going through with it?" Ian asks.

"Why are you acting like I got a choice in this?" If I had a choice, I'd pick you a million fucking times. _Especially if the sex is going to be like that._

"But you do have a choice, Mickey."

"Not everybody gets to just," I stop and take a deep breath. "Not everybody just gets to blurt out how they fucking feel every minute."

Mandy comes in and I put distance between us. I wipe the tears from my eyes and leave my sister and Ian alone. I don't want to fucking do this. The door is right there. I could run away. _What about Ian? I could take him with me. We could run away together._

But I keep walking. My father is wearing a smirk that makes me want to shoot him in the fucking face. Ryan meets my eyes, I smile at him. He nods. When Ian walks in Ryan looks back and forth between us for a moment then gives me thumbs up and a wink. He shakes his head and chuckles.

Ryan is the type of fucking asshole who would lead everyone in a slow clap because Ian and I fucked just now, but he just continues laughing and giving me approving nods. I want to knock him out. Iggy finally catches on and he looks horrified and amused. _I need better friends._

Finally, I spot Ian. He looks away from me. _I deserve that._ But what we shared just now was unbelievable. I shot the moon. He rocked my fucking world.

Some dumb whore starts the stupid music and my bitchy bride saunters down the fucking aisle. I wish I were fucking dead.

 


	43. Don't What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian sees Mickey after the wedding. Around the season 3 finale. This is where canon stops for a while.

Following Mickey's wedding I spent a little over a week sulking in bed. I had no energy and no desire to get up. But it wasn't until Fiona forced up to go to school that I even moved. Today, I am in my R.O.T.C. uniform walking to class. Lip catches up with me.

"Hey, G.I. Jane," he says. "Good to see you up and about. I thought we'd have to put you on suicide watch." Lip thumps me on the back.

"I decided I'm going to move on. I mean, how many times do I have to hear 'no'?"

"The good thing about falling for Mickey Milkovich is that you know you can always do better."

There was a time when I thought that was a lie. There was a time I would have argued with Lip and said he was wrong. He didn't know Mickey like I did. But I don't want to argue with him. I'm done. I am done with all this shit.

"I'm over it," I say. It still hurts.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I say. I don't look at my brother. I look straight ahead. I feel…numb. I feel like nothing makes sense. "I'll see you later."

Lip and I part ways. He heads to school and I come up with some lie about R.O.T.C. training before school. In reality, I'm going to the Army Recruitment Center. I am going to enlist. It's been on the back of my mind for a couple of weeks. I won't ever get into West Point, but maybe I could join the Army and work my up to an officer.

The man in the enlisting center tells me all the stuff I need to bring. I have to have a photo id. I don't have one at all. I never got my driver's license. I have a student ID from school, but that's all I have. I decide to skip school and go home.

I rummage through Lip's shit until I find his spare driver's license and a card with his social security number. I know a guy who can forge my face onto this. I need to do this.

I sit down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Mickey creeps into my head. That's the last place I want him to be right now. And all the feelings I had for him come rushing back all at once. _I could give him another chance to pick me._

Mandy let's me in, when I leave tomorrow I will be hurting her. That's not something I like to think about. She's done nothing wrong. She's a good person. Mandy disappears into her room for a minute and Mickey emerges from his.

"I am up to four sets of twenty," says Mickey raising his little arm weight. He is smiling at me. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it. _I love that smile._ I force myself away from those thoughts. If I'm going to move on I need a clear head. I follow Mickey into his bedroom because he asks me to. He talks about Nazi shit or whatever. "I figured we could pick up where we left off. If my wife can be out fucking dudes, why can't I?"

"No thanks."

"Hard to get is getting me hard, Gallagher." _We're back to Gallagher. Nothing changes with you does it, Mick?_

"I'm leaving town."

"Ah, queer rights rally somewhere?"

"Army," I say.

"You got to be eighteen."

"Yeah, I found a way around that."

"You serious? For how long?"

"Four years minimum."

The way he is looking at me might have once made me squirm. It makes me ache. It makes me want to be with him again and that's a big problem. "What you want me to tell you not to go? I'mma chase after you like some bitch?"

I did once. I wanted those things. _I wanted you to fucking care._ "I didn't come here for you."

I start to leave. "Don't," I hear him choke out. His voice catches in his throat. I turn to look at him. He looks hurt. _Don't? Don't what, Mickey?_ My heart inflates like a balloon with anticipation.

"Don't what?" Say it. Say it and I'll stay.

"Just…" _Just tell me to stay and I'll stay. Tell me something that will make me stay._ He doesn't. He chokes.

_You always were a fucking pussy._ I leave him there to think about that. I pass Mandy. She asks me to wait for her outside.

"Is everything okay?" Mandy asks me when she comes outside.

"Yeah," I say. I can't hurt her. She doesn't deserve it. Mandy and I hang out. I am not really into it, but I fake it for her sake. I smile on command, and I laugh on command and I act like I'm having a really fucking good time. "I should go."

"Okay," says Mandy. She kisses me on the cheek.

I walk home alone. It's the last time I'm going to see my family for at least four years. I can't tell them I'm leaving. They won't understand. It's better this way. Better for everyone. Better for me. _Better for Mickey. He can be in his shit show marriage._

I don't sleep much. Maybe two hours, three at most. I get dressed, kiss Liam, and leave before anyone gets up. I have to get out of here. The house is quiet and empty as I leave it for the last time. I slam the door shut behind me so no one walks in on my family. _They deserve better than me._

I don't know why, but I half expected Mickey to show up at the bus station and beg me to stay. He doesn't. _I would have. If he had. Maybe._ I don't wait. I hand over my papers and board the bus to my future. I don't look back.

 


	44. the Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My take on how Mickey got Ian's picture.

It's been two weeks and no one has seen or heard from Ian. His family doesn't seem to care. They live next door to that do-gooder cop and haven't even asked for his fucking help in finding him. What if he is hurt somewhere? What if he's dead in a ditch somewhere? But no, it's as if his life doesn't mean shit to them.

He's gone. He's really gone. He couldn't have actually joined the army. He's only seventeen. There is no fucking way. I stand on a side walk staring at the Gallagher house. Three times I went to the door and asked for Ian. Debbie answered all three times and not once even invited me inside.

That's why I had to break in. I have no idea what compelled me to do it, but it was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. I just open the back door. _They don't lock their fucking house?_ I know exactly where Ian's room is. I don't expect him to be there, but for some reason I still have a swooping sensation in my stomach.

Ian's bed is the one next to the wall. It looks like someone has been sleeping in his bed and it's not Ian. I sit down on it. _I'm losing my mind._ It doesn't feel like him. I get up and start opening drawers. I find a shirt I've seen Ian wear at Kash 'N' Grab. I hold it to my face and breathe in. _I am so fucking creepy._

"This reminds me of that scene in _Brokeback Mountain_ only your ex-boyfriend isn't dead," says Ryan. I jump about a fucking foot. "Mickey, I'm sure this crosses some sort of line. Stalking your ex-boyfriend?"

"I just need to feel close to him. Don't fucking judge me."

"Oh no, I'm judging you a hundred ways to Sunday. You could have stopped him if you had just gone to the bus station like I told you. But you had to be a bitch baby about it. Now he's gone, and what have we learned?"

"We learned: fuck off."

"I believe we learned that Ryan is always right."

On top of the dresser is a photo of Ian. He's wearing a beanie and giving the finger. He looks so…hot. _Fuck, I am losing it._ I've never called Ian hot. _He is hot._ Calling a guy hot is so gay. _Fuck_. I hold the picture to my chest, and flip Ryan off. I put the picture in my back pocket.

"Oh, you're stealing a picture. It is a lot less creepy than taking a fucking shirt. Good one, Mickey. You're original."

"Fuck you. What do you know about it?"

"I know you're pining for him and that's hard for you because this is your fault."

"It's not my fault," I say. _I guess it is._

"Oh, but it is."

I don't respond. I take the picture out of my pocket and stare at it. I run my finger over Ian's cheek as the urge to fucking kick something settles in my stomach. I fight back a tear and look at Ryan.

"I fucked up."

"Yeah, you did."

I hear someone moving in the house. When I look up I see Carl Gallagher coming into his room. He drops his backpack on the floor and pulls a taser out of what appears to be thin air, but he probably just had it hidden.

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?" Carl asks.

"I…uh…oh fuck," I say. Then Carl's eyes land on the picture. He softens. _I hope he's not smart enough to put two and two together._ "Why do you want that?"

"I'm going to make copies and hand them out to people. Maybe someone has seen Ian," I lie through my teeth. Ryan looks impressed and disappointed.

"Fiona doesn't want to draw attention to it. She thinks Ian just needs some time to get over the guy who broke his heart."

I can feel Ryan's eyes drilling into my head. _Fuck off, Fat ass, I know._

"Can I have this or not?" I ask.

"Sure. There are better pictures of Ian," says Carl sitting on Ian's bed. "Let me look." He looks under the bed. He pulls some of Ian's old porn out. My eyes widen. _Jesus, Ian. That's a lot of fucking porn._ "I don't get how gay guys do it. I mean, is it comfortable to have someone's giant wiener up your ass?"

_Feels pretty fucking good,_ I try not smile, but I can't help it. Carl is like younger version of me. This kid is going to end up in juvie before he's thirteen.

"I wouldn't know," says Ryan.

"Ian must have liked it. Did you know he was gay?" Carl asks.

"Yeah," says Ryan. He's speaking for both of us now. If I speak it'll incriminate me. Ryan tells me I speak too _fondly_ of Ian.

"I only recently found out. I felt lied to. I mean, I'm his brother. Why did he think he needed to hide it from me? But I'm over it. I realized that in our neighborhood, being gay could get Ian killed. So he was protecting himself. It must be fucking tough to live like that."

_Holy shit._ Carl Gallagher gets it. I want to tell him that there was a guy in the neighborhood who wouldn't have allowed any harm to come to Ian and that this guy would have protected him, but I can't do it.

"If you find him, send him home," says Carl.

I guess that is his cue for us to get the fuck out of here before Fiona gets home. Ryan and I don't wait to be told twice. I tuck Ian's picture safely into my back pocket and led Ryan through the confusing Gallagher house.

Out on the street, Ryan and I walk towards the Alibi. When we get there Ryan questions my motives. I've been thinking about this place a lot. Ian is tied to this place. He's friends with Kev and Frank used to drink here. I don't know why but I feel like it will bring me closer to him.

"Mickey, I think you should just move on. Go home to your wife, or better yet, find a new guy."

"I can't find a new guy," I tell Ryan. _Ian ruined me for anyone else. I'm also not gay. Finding a new guy means admitting I like guys._ Ever since I was in middle school I have been telling myself it's a phase, it'll pass. But like my crush on Ian, it never did.

 

 


	45. Cracked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian in Basic Training.

Basic Training is not what it's cracked up to be. It's a lot fucking tougher than I thought it would be. I am on the ground crawling through an obstacle course similar to the ones we've used in R.O.T.C. and all the men around me are so much better at this than I am.

My eyes land on Private Morrison. His biceps are massive. If he flexes he'll easily tear his sleeves. On his left bicep is a tattoo of a really bad ass dragon head. Morrison has brown eyes, and short chopped off brown hair. He's twenty-three.

"You're a little young. Are you sure you're eighteen?" He asks me on my first day. _You're so fucking hot._ I remember I couldn't stop staring at him, and I really wanted him to notice me. Private Morrison is now climbing through the course. I get a nice view of his ass. I stop mid way through and take it in.

"Gallagher, move your ass," shouts the instructor. "What the fuck are you staring at?"

I am glad he can't see me blushing. I finish the course and am forced to run it again for getting distracted. When I see Private Morrison take his shirt I stop in my tracks and watch him. It's as if he moves by magic. He looks like he was sculpted by angels.

"Gallagher," shouts the instructor.

I am forced to run the course again. I'm the very last person on it. I catch Private Morrison watching me. It makes me kick things into gear to impress him. When I am done a bunch of guys cheer for me. The instructor makes me do pushups before I'm allowed to eat.

Morrison stands in front of me in the line in the mess hall. I check out his ass and breathe in his scent when I think no one is looking. My heart is pounding and other parts of me are throbbing. He is laughing with the man in front of him and accidentally backs into me. His ass touches my crotch and I take a step back.

"What the fuck?"

"Sorry," I squeak.

"Was that what I think it was?" Morrison asks me.

I feel the blood rushing to my face. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

"I'm sorry," I say. I get my food and immediately walk away. But he follows me. He sits down across me and gives me a look that makes certain parts of my body respond.

"You've been looking at me since you got here. What's your problem?"

_You're fucking hot._

"Nothing," I say reminiscent of my ex. Mickey denied everything too. But Morrison continues to stare at me. He has long eye lashes, the kind women would kill for and the kind that is giving me really dirty thoughts. I try not to stare too much. I came here to get away from a bad relationship, not get into another.

What happens next takes me by surprise. He touches my hand and I look into his eyes. It's the same look Mickey had the first time we had sex. My body responds appropriately. Morrison winks.

"Meet me tonight after lights out," he says and the walks away.

All day long I can't focus on anything but Private Morrison. I imagine myself in his muscular arms and the feel of those eye lashes against my neck. I excuse myself to a bathroom to satisfy the hunger I feel in my body for him.

When it's time for me to meet up with him I debate on whether or not I should actually go. My heart is saying yes, and my dick is saying yes, but my brain is saying no. I've had a crush on Morrison since I got here.

I am not sure where he wants me to meet him. So I walk around. It's cold out here, but I don't mind. I get the feeling I'll be warming up in a minute. Suddenly a bag is thrown over my head and I am lifted by a pair of strong arms. They are carrying me somewhere as I try to fight back. Fear and panic wash over me. _What's happening?_

Finally, we stop. I am thrown down onto something sort of lumpy. He takes the bag off my head and I am looking into Morrison's face.

"What's going on?"

But he doesn't answer. He holds me down with one hand while he yanks my pants off with the other. The impressive strength he has in his arms is enough to keep me down. I can't get up at all. He has at least 100 pounds on me. Fighting back is hopeless.

I begin to panic. The whole room starts to spin and the colors blur together. I shut my eyes to keep from getting dizzy, but I can't. Suddenly I can see everything clearly. The room is filled with bright light and the brown in Morrison's eyes is even brighter. It's almost orange like.

I realize what is happening too late. I give Morrison a hard shove. He hits me. My pulse quickens and I know I have to react fast. I have to get him off me. I have to get away. This isn't good. With all the strength I can muster I punch, kick, and bite to get free. I make a break for the door. He grabs me by the leg and pulls me back down. I continue to fight him. Anger is boiling up in me and replacing my fear. I kick him in the face.

"Hold still," Morrison says. That's when others come. _They're going to save me._ But they hold me down. Morrison is laughing. His laugh sounds far away. I can barely register what's going on anymore.

"No," I say. "I don't want this."

"Oh, I think you do. I felt that fucking boner at lunch today."

I continue to fight him off. I punch one of the men in the throat and another I knee in the groin. I am invincible. I break free until Morrison hits me over the head…

…I come too in a strange room with sea green walls and a cold cement floor. A man with a cross on his sleeve is standing over me. He has the brightest eyes I have ever seen. He flashes me a smile.

"You okay?"

"Where am I?" I ask, taking in my surroundings. A hospital?

"You're in the medical ward. We don't have any of your medical records, Phillip."

_Who's Phillip? Oh, I am. I used Lip's identity. I had almost forgotten._

"Yeah, I'm from a poor family. I didn't go to the doctor much," I say.

"No worries, just tell us what happened? Private Morrison said some men had pinned you down and were hurting you until he chased them off."

 _What?_ For some reason the sun shining in the room illuminated the nurse's face and it made everything glow. I get up and walk to the window. I want to soak in the rays of the sun.

"Phillip?" The nurse asks.

"Yeah?" I say.

"You didn't answer my question?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I got distracted. What were you asking?"


	46. Hooking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey goes clubbing and meets a guy who looks amazingly like Ian.

"Remind me again why I'm here?" Ryan asks as we walk through the door of the club. I have never been in a gay bar before. Never. Never ever. And if anyone asks I would deny it through my teeth that I ever came in here.

"You said to meet a new guy," I remind him. _This is so fucking gay. But I'm so fucking horny._ A lot of queers walk by me. Some of them fit the stereotype and I feel like leaving already. Some of them are kissing, openly in public. A few older men are with much younger boys. I want to bolt, but I am on a mission and I need to see it completed.

"Okay, but why am I here?"

"I need a wing man. Isn't that what men do for each other in bars?" I ask not familiar with the whole "bro code" thing. We find a place to sit and I look at one of the dancers. He has the same body type as Ian.

"Okay, but why the fuck did we have to drive to Indiana?" Ryan asks, "I'm pretty sure there are gay bars in Chicago."

"Because no one in Indiana knows me," I say. I can't smoke in here. There is a law against that or some shit. Indiana is the stupidest fucking state in America. A spot a young man in his early twenties with Ian's build across the room dancing to the shitty music. _He's not bad. What the fuck is wrong with me?_ I demand the bar tender give me a fucking drink. _I'm going to need it._

"He was checking you out, you could probably hook up with him," says Ryan pointing at the bar tender. I ignore him and scope out my prey. He has brown hair not red. My heart sinks, but my dick seems to like him. He spots me. I look away.

"Fuck," I say.

"That guy looks like Ian. You can't hook up with him, Mickey."

"Fuck off. I can fuck whoever I want," I say. _He's not Ian. He's not who I want. I fucked up. I can't believe I'm fucking here._ "So now that I've chosen one what the fuck do I do?"

"I don't know the rules for cruising. I guess make eye contact."

"You're fucking useless," I tell him.

"I told you that when you forced me to come. I'm not exactly gay bait."

"I should have brought Iggy or Lip."

I make eye contact with the Ian look-a-like. We hold eye contact for a while until he walks over to me. Ryan doesn't get up to leave. I don't really fucking care. I'm so fucking horny, I'm thinking with my dick tonight.

"You could still go home and fuck your wife," says Ryan. I flip him off. The Ian look-a-like looks even more like him up close save for the hair and he doesn't have any freckles and he dresses differently than Ian.

"I'm Isaac," He says. _His name starts with the same fucking letter. This is like some Matrix bull shit._

I consider lying about my name, but I'm never coming back here again, so why the fuck not?

"Mickey," I say. He looks at my tattoos and pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a shield. I don't get it.

"It's Captain America's shield, I'm a geek," says Isaac.

"So it seems," I say. I get another beer and offer to buy one for Isaac.

After he chats about something I don't even give a shit about I make a move. I take him by the wrist and make a bee line to the bathrooms. I threaten everyone to make them leave and lock the door behind them. I want privacy if I'm doing this.

"Shall I get on you?" Isaac asks.

I turn around for him.

"What is this wound on your ass?"

"I got shot," I say, "Are you gonna fuck me or not?"

"You were shot? Damn. You have a great ass, man."

The fucking is quick. Isaac is pretty good. His dick isn't nearly as big as Ian's but its big enough to make me muffle a few moans. When it's over he kisses my shoulder. I want to punch him. The only person allowed to kiss me is Ian.

"Wanna get out of here and fuck like crazy in my apartment?" Isaac asks.

"I am here with someone," I say as I zip my jeans. Isaac has hair on his chest. Ian doesn't. I stare at it for a moment.

"He can come too," says Isaac.

"I don't think he'd be into that," I say, "He's straight." _I wish I was. I'm not saying I'm gay. This was necessary. I had to do it. This guy looks like Ian, and it's not gay when it's Ian._

"Wanna fuck again now then?" Isaac asks. I am out of my pants faster than anyone ever has been. It's probably a new record. Isaac and I do it several times until we're both sated and happy. People have been banging on the door for half an hour.

Isaac leaves first and is met with half cheers and half anger. I leave next. Ryan grabs me by the arm and pulls me out of the crowd. "Isaac invited me back to his house, but I said no."

"Why?"

"I'm not going to abandon you in Indiana."

"Is that the only reason?"

"What other reason do I need?"

"Well I call bull shit. You don't want to get attached to him. You can't have casual sex with someone without getting attached. No wait. You can't have casual sex with men without getting attached. You can fuck women as long as you want because it doesn't mean anything."

I hate how right he is about me all the time. It really pisses me off. I shove him, "Fuck you."

"Hey," says Isaac appearing behind me.

"Fuck off," I say.

"What's your problem?" Isaac asks. He's not leaving. He sips the fruity cocktail he bought and hands me a beer.

"He's angry at me," says Ryan.

"Listen, Mickey, the offer to come back to the apartment still stands," says Isaac in a suggestive tone. I avoid looking in his eyes. I know the look he's giving me. I don't need to look at him. I can almost feel the heat radiating off him. It's enough to make me want to say 'yes', but I know exactly what will come of this.

"I can't," I tell him.

"Here," he hands me his phone number. I gape at him. "In case you change your mind or you ever come back this way again. I know you're from Chicago. I recognize the accent, but you know if you're ever in the area."

"Oh, fuck, Mickey, just go with him," Ryan says, "I'll wait for you outside the apartment."

I go with Isaac. We walk in silence. Ryan comes too. Isaac has his own car. Isaac doesn't bother asking me any questions on the drive, which I fucking appreciate. I don't chitchat. We sit in silence until Ryan can't take it anymore and starts up a conversation about what Isaac does for a living. _I can't believe I'm fucking doing this. I could climb out a window and go the fuck home._

Isaac has a nice apartment. It's not as upscale as I pictured. He doesn't make much money, because he works at a comic book store. His roommate is a woman, which is good. It will give Ryan something to do. She has pink hair and a nose ring. _Reminds me of Mandy._

"So you're married," Isaac asks looking at the ring on my finger that I forgot to take off.

"Not by choice," I tell him, "got any beer."

"I get it. I once dated a guy who was so far in the closet he married a woman just to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle. He didn't want his family to know he was gay."

_God, you even sound like Ian. He was molested by that Kash 'N' Grab asshole._

Isaac strips down. If it weren't for his chest hair I would be focused on his face which painfully reminds me of Ian. They have similar bone structure. Isaac pushes me back on his bed, climbs on top of me and stares into my eyes.

"Why don't you want me to kiss you?" Isaac asks.

I don't answer.

"What's his name?"

"Who's name?"

"The guy you're trying to get over," Isaac says. "I can see it in your eyes." He kisses my chest. _That feels good._ "I'm a little jealous." He kisses my belly button. _That's getting me hard._ "Did he break your heart?" He unbuttons my pants and kisses downward. _Don't stop._

"I broke his heart."

And we're no longer talking. The sex escalates slowly. Isaac, like Ian, is really fucking good. I mean, really, really fucking good. I lie on my stomach. I don't fuck him face to face. He's not Ian. He looks like him, almost a photo copy with brown hair, but he's not him. They even smell similar, but he's not him. _Ian. Where are you?_

I put on my pants after the fucking. Isaac kisses my shoulder. I shrug him off me and put on my shirt. He nibbles on my ear. I turn around to look at him. "You look like him."

"I figured that because you kept calling me Ian."

"Sorry," I say.

"Nah, it's okay. He must mean a lot to you. Look. You don't have to keep my number. Ian obviously still has a death grip on your heart. I don't know the details, but I hope things work out for you."

"Thanks," I say.

Isaac nods. He kisses the side of my face. I allow that. I just let the man fuck me senseless; the least I could do is let him kiss the side of my fucking face. Ryan is getting a blow job from Isaac's roommate when I come out. I slap him in the back of the head.

"We're leaving."

"Aw, come on. I had to listen to you and the Ian look-a-like fuck like horny schoolboys the least you could do is let me come," Ryan says. I grab him by the collar of his shirt and yank his fat ass up.

"We're going."

It's a long drive back to Chicago. I get in about seven a.m. My wife is still asleep in my bed. I take off my shoes and climb in beside her. I put about two feet between us on the bed. I make a point not to fucking touch her. She reaches over to me.

"Where you been?"

"None of your fucking business."

"You smell like cum and beer and cologne."

"Why the fuck do you care?"

I do smell like Isaac's cologne. I feel dirty. I climb out of bed and head for the shower. I need to wash Isaac's scent off me. I want to forget it ever happened. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have done it.


	47. Going AWOL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian leaves Basic.

I have to get out of here. I think the military is onto me. They know I'm only seventeen. They must know. Surely that incident in the cafeteria last week tipped them off for sure. I didn't mean to stab Private Morrison in the thigh with a fork. It just sort of happened. One minute he's touching me under the table, and the next his thigh has a fork in it. I don't even remember doing it.

But I think they know I'm not eighteen. They know I'm Ian Gallagher and not Lip. I have to get out of here before they come after me. Because they are coming after me, I just know it. I have to leave. There is no time to waste.

But how? I can't just walk out of here, they'd catch me. I need something fast, really fast. I spot a military helicopter abandoned. If I'm fast enough they'd never catch me. I climb inside without being seen and try to start the rotor. I manage to get the helicopter off the ground and into the air, I am unable to fly it and I crash.

I'm okay. They're coming. I have to get out of here. I climb out of the helicopter, and make a break for it. I run at full speed with nothing but my uniform and boots. I leave my belongings behind. I can't go back for them. There isn't time. They're going to catch me.

I don't stop running. I like running. I run until I can no longer see the base when I turn around. I run until a truck pulls over to pick me up. I hitch a ride with a strange man in a truck.

"You going anywhere," he asks.

"Chicago," I say, "I just feel like I need to go there. I have to get away. They're after me."

"Who's after you? Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"They know I'm not eighteen."

But he doesn't ask any more questions. He takes me as far as he can. He drops me off at a McDonald's and gives me ten dollars. I know ten dollars won't get me far, but it will at least get me food.

I can't get anywhere with the change from my lunch, and the army is probably still chasing me. They can't be far behind. I need to get home to Chicago. I have a feeling going back there is the answer. I spot a man in the back of the restaurant staring at me. He's been staring at me since I sat down. When I dive into my Big Mac he comes over to my table.

"I'll give you a hundred bucks to suck me off," He offers flat out in a whisper.

When I finish my Big Mac I am on my knees in the men's room in front of his crotch. _I need the money. I can do this. This is something I'm good at._ I don't hesitate. I do I need to do. He gives me the money and offers me a ride. I take both.

I earn fifty more bucks by blowing him in the car. He drops me off forty miles from where I want to be. I use the money I earned from him to buy myself something to wear before I hitch a ride with some people on a bus going into the city.

They're all going into the city to start over. They're coming from small towns and troubled backgrounds and they just want to erase the past and start over. I listen to everything they say. One of the boys has an interview with an electrician in the city; a girl is going to be an Off-Broadway actress. They all have big dreams and ambitions.

Once we arrive in the city they offer me a place to stay. The boy who wants to be an electrician takes me into his home. On the first day back we go shopping and I use the rest of my money. I have to get a job so I can make a living for myself.

I find myself on my knees a lot more than usual earning a hundred to two hundred dollars each time I suck some pathetic man's dick. I am able to buy myself some clothes, a new phone, and whatever I need in no time.

"You need to leave, Ian," says the boy I'm staying with.

"Why?"

"Because you're fucking mood swings are killing me. I can't keep up and it's giving me anxiety. I need you out. Frankly, your slutty behavior is dangerous and I don't want to be around it."

"It's the middle of winter, where will I go?" I ask.

"I don't fucking care. Get the fuck out."

"Please don't do this. I can do better."

"No you can't."

He slams the door in my face. I'm left in the hallway of his apartment clutching my bags. I have nowhere to go. I wander the streets until far past four a.m. An older man offers to take me in for the night. _I can't go home. The Army will have called them. I just know it. I can't get my family involved in this. What if I go home and they turn me in._

I go home with the strange man. He locks his doors with two pad locks and a deadbolt. He forces me into the basement of him home and locks that door too. I begin to panic, until he shines a light in the middle of the room onto what appears to be a stripper pole.

"Dance, Pretty Boy," he says as he caresses my face. "Dance for me. My wife won't come in and catch us. Just dance and I'll let you go."

I straddle the pole and dance for him. He throws money at my feet as I improvise a dance. The man gives me something to take. It's a little round pill. I stare at it then at him. "I shouldn't."

"It'll help you relax," he says.

I put the pill on my tongue and continue to dance. Everything around me starts to blend together in a spiral of millions of bright colors. I see double of everything and they're distorted. I have to sit down. I look at my hands. It's like I have thirteen of them.

"How-how h-h-h-how do-do y-y-you feel?" the man asks as if from the inside of my brain. I lie down and stare at the spinning ceiling.


	48. Pining for Gallagher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey misses Ian.

I come out of my bedroom to see Ryan standing in the kitchen with a duffle bag by his feet giving Mandy a hug. He looks at me and the smile he had on disappears.

"What the fuck is this?" I ask, giving his bag a light kick.

"I'm leaving," says Ryan.

"What?"

"It's only for a month. I'm going to visit my mom and sister. I'll be back. I love it here as crazy as that sounds. Don't look at me like that," Ryan says. I give him bag another kick and flip Ryan off. I grab a beer out of the fridge and head back into my bedroom. I slam the door loudly and wake up my wife.

"Mick," says Ryan following me. I fucking knew he would.

"Fuck off," I tell him.

"I said I'm coming back."

I help Svetlana out of bed. She is really showing in her pregnancy. I have no idea about babies or any of that shit, and I don't care, I just want the bitch to continue working and bringing in money. She walks past us and into the bathroom.

"What? You think I fucking care that you're leaving?"

"I think you do."

"Fuck off, Fat Ass," I tell him.

"You should give Isaac a call."

"Nah, man, I'm done with that. It's out of my system."

"Uh, no. Good try though. But if not Isaac, then try someone else," says Ryan. _I hate how he fucking knows me._

"I might," I lie. He knows I won't. We both know that.

"Try to make a friend while I'm gone. Just one friend."

"I don't need anyone. I have you and Ian. That's all I need."

Ryan grimaces. I haven't mentioned Ian's name very much in the last couple of weeks. He's constantly on my mind, but I haven't brought him up in conversation. I know Ryan doesn't want to hear it right now. He thinks I should move on.

"You're still hung up on that Gallagher," says Ryan shaking his head. "Move on, Mick."

"Maybe I don't fucking want to."

"Maybe I'll bring you something when I come back," says Ryan.

"Just get the fuck out already," I say with a half smile which is something I picked up from Ian. And unexpectedly, Ryan hugs me. _Fuck off, Fat Ass._ But I hug him back. Usually I only hug Mandy, but Ryan is someone who firmly planted himself in my life and he's become kind of a permanent fixture.

Ryan has been gone a little over a week, but it's Ian I miss. I can't stop thinking about him. Ryan isn't here to distract me. Ian is all I can think about. I think about him every minute of the day and it's driving me insane. I need a distraction until Ryan gets back.

With Ryan here I didn't have time to miss Ian. Ryan made sure I didn't. But now, I have a dull ache inside me whenever I think about how Ian left. It's my fault. I make my way to the Alibi room. A place I have walked to countless times hoping Ian would be around there or just to feel closer to him, but today is the first time I've gone in and had a drink.

"Anyone seen Gallagher?" I ask.

"Frank. I thought he was dead," says a fat man, I think his name is Tommy. Used to be friends with my dad.

"Frank? Nah, he doesn't come in anymore," says Kev.

"Not fucking Frank, the other one. The red head," I say.

"Ian. He took off. Why does he owe you money?"

No, he doesn't owe me money shithead. I shake off the look of forlorn on my face. I look around to see if anyone notices. Thankfully, no one does. Kev looks over at me.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing," says Kev, "I've never really seen you drink in here."

"So what?"

"So nothing," says Kev, continuing to look at me. I'm saved when Kev gets a call about Stan the former owner of the Alibi. I sit on my stool and think about Ian. _If you come back, I'll do better. If you come back, I'll be the boyfriend you want me to be. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry._

At home, I am leaning back on the couch deep into my fourth beer. I have empty beer bottles around me and a pain inside me that won't stop. The house is empty. I hate when the house is empty I can hear my thoughts too easily. _I'm losing my mind._

I think I've drank too much when I hear ringing. But after a few rings I realize it's not my head but the phone. _We still have a house phone?_ I follow the ringing to the corded phone sitting on a pile of shit in the hallway.

"Hello," I say casually.

"Mickey," says the voice on the other line. I freeze. _Ian._

"Ian," I say back.

"Mickey," says Ian again. There is something in his voice that makes my heart speed up. I grip the phone tighter and try to control my breathing. "I miss you."

"Fuck. Ian, where are you? Are you in trouble? I'll come get you."

"I'm fine," says Ian. _You can't be fine; you fucking ran off and joined the army. You won't be fine until you're home._ "Don't worry about me."

"How the fuck can you say that? Where are you? I will come get you."

Ian hangs up. I squeeze the phone so tight I swear I'm going to break it. I need him back. I want him back. I bang the receiver down hard and let out a heavy sob. I kick the wall with the strength I can muster.

Ian called me. Where the fuck is he? I need him. I fucking need him back. _Come back to me. I will do anything to have you back. Please. Ian. I'm so fucking sorry. I'll never hurt you again. I get it now. I understand the pain. Come back._ I drop to my knees and sob.


	49. Safety Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian stays with Ned.

It was snowing when I showed up at Ned's place with nowhere else to go. He took me in, fed, me, gave me something warm to wear, and then we fucked like crazy. I don't feel the need to keep moving so much. I feel safe, well safer than I was.

"You hungry," Ned asks.

"Starving," I tell him placing my hand on my stomach.

I bounce around his apartment examining every little thing and telling him at rapid speed about the people I have met and all the wonderful ideas I have. I want to take up an instrument. I think it would be a good idea to learn. I could meet guys that way. Musicians are hot.

"I could use an intern at the hospital," says Ned.

"Nah," I say crinkling up my face. He laughs.

"Well, the White Swallow needs go-go dancers," says Ned.

"I could dance! Yes. Why didn't I think of that? You're amazing."

I kiss him right on the lips. Ned leans over and kisses me back. He stops to order room service. I jump on his bed and then grab him by the arm to pull him to me when he finishes ordering dinner for us.

"Play with me," I say.

"Is that a request or a command?"

"Does it matter?"

"No," says Ned taking off his pants.

He's getting old. It's obvious. He can't do everything in bed that Mickey could. Mickey was agile when it came to fucking. _Mickey._ I push that distant memory out of my mind. I can't believe I actually called him. That was a stupid move. Still, it was nice to hear his voice. _I miss him._

"You've gotten sexy," Ned tells me after the sex. I am lying on my back on his bed tapping my fingers on my stomach. He's running his fingers through my hair. I turn my head slightly to look at him.

"Nah, I haven't changed much at all," I tell him.

"Yes you have. You're all grown up. I remember the timid little boy who refused to take a gift from me because he 'sort of had a boyfriend'."

"Yeah, then my boyfriend beat the shit out of you."

"Are you two still together?"

"Most of the time," I answer.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, it means when he feels like expressing his feelings to me and being in a committed relationship we're together."

"I'm sensing some bitterness."

"He got married…to a woman. I got sick of him treating me like I don't fucking matter so I left."

"I can't believe he got married. Well, yes I can. Men like him often seek out partners to maintain a heterosexual persona."

"Men like him? You mean men like you?" I point out.

"I guess I'm guilty. Do you still love him?"

"Yes. I think I'll always love Mickey. I've loved him since I was fifteen. While he wasn't my first, I want him to be my last. But he had to fuck it up by marrying some Russian hand whore." I wipe a tear that wants to escape my eyes. "But hey, let's not dig up old dirt on a past relationship. Let's go to the movies."

"Alright. Let's go to the movies."

Ned pays for our tickets. I buy our popcorn. Half way through the film I get bored and get between his legs. Ned thinks they'll throw us out, but I have learned how to be quiet during times like these. I go back to watching the movie when I'm done like nothing ever even happened.

"You are hard to keep up with, Red," says Ned back in bed. He is giving me a massage and I make cute little noises for him. He smacks my ass. "But I never grow tired of you."

"I have a lot of energy. I don't know why, but I feel super charged like the Energizer Bunny. Life is too amazing to watch while sitting down. You gotta keep moving."

"I'm getting old."

"No you're not. You're just experienced. Jimmy is lucky to have you for a dad. I wish you were my dad."

"Then the fucking would be a lot more awkward," says Ned.

I laugh a lot at his joke. He looks at me until my laughing subsides. I roll onto my back. He kisses my stomach. "This is what I want."

"Well, you can have it as long as you want."

"No, I mean, this is what I want with Mickey. I want it to be this easy. I want to have domestic moments. I want to be able to lie in bed together without feeling the need to constantly fuck. I want to be boyfriends in every since of the word."

"Then maybe you need a different boyfriend, Ian," says Ned, "Because it doesn't sound like this Mickey is going to give you all of this."

 _I really miss you, Mick._ I pull Ned down on top of me and let him kiss me. I bottom with him occasionally. It's not that big of a deal, I've been bottoming a lot lately. That's usually Mickey. I prefer to top, but I'll bottom when the mood is right or I trust the person.

Some of the times I've bottomed haven't been my idea, or my choosing. I was forced. But that's behind me. I'm with someone I trust. He won't hurt me.

"Stay with me," Ned says.

"What?" I ask halfway through fucking.

"Stay with me, I'll provide for you. You could see your family anytime you want. You'll never have to worry about having a roof over your head. I enjoy your company, Red."

"I'll stay, for now," I tell him.

 _Mickey. Do you miss me at all? I think about you sometimes._ As much as I want to forget him, I can't. He's still on my mind all the time. He's still the name that my heart screams. It's always been Mickey. But I need to move on. He chose her. He's not mine anymore.


	50. What Kind of Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey has a strange conversation with Svetlana.

Kevin Ball is my business partner. We've sort of bonded while running the Rub 'N' Tug above the Alibi Room. My bitch of a wife kind of forced me into it indirectly. She wasn't making enough at Sascha's place so I intervened and liberated the whores. They had to live in my house for a while until we found them work, that's how the Rub 'N' Tug was born.

Doing the Rub 'N' Tug keeps my mind off Ian. But that was until Lip came to me with information about him. He wanted to know if I had seen him. Apparently, he's in trouble. When Lip left, panic set in. Ian's in trouble. Big trouble.

But I can't think about that right now. I have duties to full fill. I have to make sure all the whores get paid and none of the men force themselves on them. The women have to consent. I may be a lot of things but I'm not that.

"Why do you no be husband to me?" Svetlana asks me as I walk her home.

"What?" I ask as I light a cigarette.

"You do not touch me. You do not kiss me. You do not tell me affectionate things like husband should. Why?"

"Fuck off. I don't have to answer your fucking questions. You're lucky I haven't kicked your ass out."

"You do not love me," Svetlana says. I ignore her. I don't need to answer her stupid questions or respond to her stupid comments. And I am happy to receive a distraction in the form of a fat tub of fucking lard coming out of my house.

Ryan pulls me into a bear hug. Svetlana bypasses him and goes inside the house. Ryan gives me a little doll with red hair. I glare at him and then pat him on the shoulder. I can't say I didn't miss his fat face.

"So…did you fuck anyone while I was gone?" Ryan asks.

"No. I told you I wouldn't."

"I have been thinking about it, and I think you should get back together with Ian if he ever comes back. You're head over fucking heels in love with him and that doesn't seem like it's going to change, so go for it, man. I'm your friend, I should be fucking supportive."

I throw myself into Ryan's fat arms. I embrace him as a both a brother and a friend, because let's fucking face it. Ryan is a part of my life. That fat asshole shoulder punched his fucking way into my life.

"Aw, Mick, do I complete you?" Ryan asks after I release him.

"Fuck off," I tell him.

"Aw, you're making me blush," says Ryan. I flip him off. "So, how's the wife?"

It's cold out here but I am not fucking going inside to see the wife. I want to stay as far from that bitch as possible. "She now works for me above the Alibi room."

"She works for you? I'm confused," Ryan says, "It's fucking cold can we go inside?"

"No. I'm a pimp," I tell Ryan.

"No really?"

I nod and stare him down to let him know I'm not joking about being a pimp. Ryan starts laughing. "Want to get laid?" I ask him in all seriousness. I finally decide to go into the house. I have to take a shit.

While sitting on the toilet I leaf the magazines on the floor until I find a particularly boring gun magazine. In the middle of the magazine is my photograph of Ian. I take it out and drop the magazine to the floor. I handle the photo carefully. I run my fingers across his face.

_I hope you're okay. Lip said you're in trouble. Whatever it is, I will help you. If you killed someone and need help hiding the fucking body, I'll do it._ I slide my hand into my boxers as I stare at the picture. Ian gets me hard quicker than anyone else ever could.

I close my eyes and imagine him touching me; Ian's sweet lips around my dick sucking and biting and making noises that set me off the edge, and me touching his hair and shoulders. I jerk up and down on myself until it feels like it's about to explode. I set Ian's picture down and wipe my hands. I hold Ian's picture to my chest before I put it back in the magazine.

_I will find you. You have my word._ Ryan is leaning against the wall across from the bathroom when I come out. He's wearing a smirk that forces me to give him the finger.

"I know what you did," Ryan says following me back to my room. Svetlana is sitting on the bed naked, her hairy fucking muff exposed to me under her pregnant belly. "Yeah, so there's that. I'll be in the living room." Ryan pats my stomach and leaves.

"What the fuck is this?" I ask holding out my hands to block her fur burger from my view.

"I want you to fuck me," Svetlana says.

_I don't need this right now. Holy fucking shit._

"That's not going to fucking happen;" I tell her, "Please cover up."

She comes to me and puts her hand on my dick. She looks at me with those gray eyes. I light a cigarette and shrug. _What the fuck did she expect?_

"You have small dick anyway," she says after she gives up and puts on a robe. _Ian's never complained about it._ I shrug again and sit down on my bed to remove my shoes and shit. "Why you no fuck me? Friends' husbands can't keep their hands off them. You not even look at me."

What the fuck does she want me to say? Does she want me to tell her I don't fucking love her. That I was forced to fuck her because my dad caught me being fucked up the ass by Ian Gallagher? Does she want me to admit that the sight of her brings that horrible memory to mind?

I will be nice to Svetlana, and I will provide for her. I will make sure she's safe and has food and shelter, but that's all I can give her.

 


	51. Like Mother Like Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian runs into his mother while clubbing.

Monica shows up at the club when I am dancing one night. I've been staying with her ever since. She's with some woman who isn't Bob or that woman she skipped town with who she met in rehab. She's with someone else. She puts her hand on my back affectionately.

"Baby, here, try this," she tries to hand me a baggie of coke while a woman basically goes down on her right there at the table. I won't snort anything. Only pills. It's always only pills.

I blow her off to give a lap dance to an older man. He slips me some drug; I don't know what it is. I take it as I feel his erection against my thigh. He breathes on my neck. "You're so sexy, Curtis," He whispers in my ear. I never told them my real name or that I'm only seventeen.

"Honey, you look so cute in that," Monica tells me tugging on my shirt after I count the tips I have received from all the horny old men touching my ass and rubbing their dicks against me. I feel good. I thought dancing in the club would be strange, but it feels good. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I say downing a cocktail and tossing a pill that Monica has into my mouth. I get up and find another man to give a dance too. He takes me to the bathroom. I let him fuck me for $100 and some more pills, but the man doesn't leave after the sex. He pins me against the wall.

"Come home with me, Curtis. You're a cute little thing. I have fallen in love with you and want to be with you," He licks me. I'm used to that. I've been licked a lot since I started working here.

"Get off me," I tell him, though I am starting to feel the effects of that pill. I can barely fight with him.

"You're about to pass out, oh poor baby. Let me take care of you," He says.

"Get the fuck off him," says someone else. It's a man. I don't know who he is. I pass out in his arms. When I come to I am staring at Jimmy. Fiona's Jimmy. "Are you alright, Ian? What the fuck happened to you?" I am in a very nice apartment building. Jimmy is stroking my head. I sit up. He hands me a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," I say. I'm wearing my street clothes.

"Monica dressed you. I wasn't going to let her, but I figured since she's your mom she's probably seen you naked." I put the coffee down and latch on to Jimmy. He pets me for a moment before I let go of him. "You have changed, Ian."

"What are you talking about? I'm exactly the same."

"No you're not, man. Do you remember what happened last night?"

"No," I say.

"That's because you were roofied," Jimmy says stroking my hair very lovingly.

"I was?"

"Yeah. Was I…?"

"No. You might have been if I hadn't stopped him. Ian, that job is dangerous and you're much too young for it. You're going to get hurt. That guy was going to knock you out and kidnap you."

"I don't need you to take care of me. Where's Monica?"

"I made her leave. Ian, she's not good for you."

"She's my mother! She's been taking care of me."

"YOU WERE LIVING IN A CRACK HOUSE WITH DRUG ADDICTS, WHORES, AND CORSPES!"

"BUT SHE WAS WITH ME! WE WERE TOGETHER FINALLY. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT!"

I don't know why we're shouting. I look around. We're alone. Jimmy seems frustrated. I begin to shake. I don't know why. Jimmy throws me a blanket. I wrap it around myself. He sits down and holds me. I shake in his arms.

"You're not going to send me home are you?"

"I really, really want to, but I am kind of hiding from Fiona myself. I go by Jack now. It's a long story. Ian, let me take care of you until the drugs are out of your system, then I will let you get back to Monica. I won't tell Fiona where you are."

I make Jimmy/Steve/Jack promise. So for a week I stay with him and one night I come home to Jimmy/Steve/Jack and tell him who I saw at the club.

"Lip and Debbie came to the club! It was so good to see them. I love them so much. Debbie is so tall and beautiful. I wish they would have stayed for a drink."

"Ian, you're high," Jimmy says.

"So?"

"You promised me you were going to stop," Jimmy says with his arms crossed.

"Are you kicking me out?"

"No, do you want to leave?"

"Well you don't fuck me so that's nice," I tell him. "I was staying with our dad."

"You were staying with my dad? Ian, please tell me you didn't fuck my dad again."

"I won't tell you," I say with a smirk.

"STOP FUCKING MY DAD!"

"I did. He kicked me out when Monica found me. We did kind of trash his place, but that's not the point. I liked being with him. He was nice to me and he'd never hurt me."

"That is so disgusting," says Jimmy. "So why'd you leave? You never told me."

"Relationship issues."

"With my dad?"

"No, with a boy from Southside. I was in love with him and he didn't love me."

"How do you know he didn't love you?"

"He married a woman."

"Oh, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, Ian. I married Esti but that doesn't mean I didn't love Fiona."

"If he loved me he would have been at the bus station when I was leaving for Basic Training. He would have told me not to go. He would have pulled me in close and kissed me and told me to stay. He didn't do any of that."

"That doesn't mean he doesn't love you."

"I know. I just want him to tell me he loves me just once."

"You're really hung up on this guy," Jimmy says.

"Well, yeah. I've been in love with him forever."

"Tell me who it is," Jimmy says casually.

"Mickey Milkovich," I say. It's not a big deal if Jimmy knows. He's not someone who really knows Mickey. He isn't someone Mickey would feel threatened if he knew.

"Holy shit. Mickey's gay?"

I nod vigorously. "Enough about Mickey. Let's go out," I suggest.

"It's 3 a.m."

"Then let's watch a movie. I think we should watch something with James Franco."

"What is it with you and James Franco? He's not that hot," says Jimmy.

"Since when do you judge men?"

"Since I am very secure in my sexuality," says Jimmy pretending to be offended. "So does Mickey bottom?"

"I'm not telling," I say. Jimmy pokes me in the rib. I swat at his hand.

"When did you get a tattoo?" Jimmy asks.

"I don't remember."

He gives me a worried look that reminds me of Fiona. I shrug. He looks appropriate to being hit over by a bus. "How the fuck can you not remember? You were there."

"A lot of shit has happened to me in the last couple of months. Do you expect me to remember every detail?"

"Yes!"


	52. Perfumed Soap Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey rescues Ian.

I can't shit in fucking peace. Mandy barges in while I'm taking a shit and tells me to, "go find my boyfriend." I had forgotten she knows about Ian. This is the first time we've openly talked about it, even though my base instinct is denial.

"You're the reason he left. So go find him."

"Not my problem," I say. _I'm an asshole._

"I have to get to work. Make something your problem. By the way, asshole, I know about the picture. You want him back. Go fucking get him. He works at the White Swallow."

"Why can't Lip get him back?"

"Because he's an asshole like you, and his schooling is more important apparently. Go find him. If I come home from work and you haven't found him I'm kicking your ass. Ryan's not going with you either. This is something you're doing."

She takes my cigarette and leaves the door wide open. I try to shut the door without getting up to no avail. Thankfully, Ryan shuts it for me. I think about what Mandy said all day. I should go find Ian. He's close by if he works at the White Swallow.

I hop in the shower. _Ian, I'm coming. Hold on._ My heart flutters at the thought of seeing him again. I haven't seen him in ages. I wonder if he's changed at all. Still, it will be nice to have him in my arms again, to kiss him again, to hold his fucking hand again, and to smell his red hair. _To fuck._

I can't slow the rampant stirrings inside me. I will finally be reunited with Ian. I shake like a fucking epileptic as I go through my closet and drawers for something to wear. I want to look nice for him. I decide on dark jeans, boot cut, and still new looking. I stole them from Wal-Mart ages ago.

The shirt is the hardest thing to pick out. I hold up a few of them in front of the mirror. I finally decide and get dressed. I leave the rest on the bed where Svetlana is sleeping. I find some of Kenyatta's cologne in the bathroom and spray it on myself.

"Hey," says Kev barging in to my house. "I need a gun."

"Who you gonna kill?" _Let it be Frank. Maybe if he's gone Ian will feel better._

"You own a bar on the Southside how the fuck do you not have a gun?" I ask. I look up and spot Ryan. It's almost like I sensed he was there. He sniffs the air and shakes his fat face.

"Not everyone's a thug? Are you wearing cologne?"

"No, its Kenyatta's perfumed soap shit."

"You use another dude's soap?"

"So what?"

"It has pubes on it," says Kev.

"No it doesn't."

"What guy's soap doesn't have pubes on it?"

"My soap doesn't have pubes on it."

"Then you're not washing your pubes."

"Did you come all the way down here to talk about my pubes?"

"Alibi got robbed. Someone took the keg that I keep the money in."

"You keep your money in a keg?"

"I don't trust banks." _Neither do I, but I'm not that fucking stupid._

"The Rub 'N' Tug money?" I ask.

"Seeing how that's the only money I'm pulling in these days yeah."

"Kev, that's my money."

We argue about who gets what percentage until my stupid wife wakes up.

"Steven Segal here let someone steal all our cash."

"Where're you going?"

"I have something important to do. Don't worry, I'll be back to protect your asses later."

"No. You can't go if it's not safe."

"It's not going to get robbed twice in one day. If it does, please shoot them in the fucking face."

I walk out of there. If I don't I'm likely to punch Kev in the face. Ryan follows me obediently.

"Important, huh?"

"Yeah, it's fucking important," I say putting on my coat and shoes.

"I'm so proud of you," says Ryan. I flip him off and head out the door. I sigh before I light up. I can't believe I have to go to fucking Boy's Town to find Ian. Why couldn't he work in a fucking bar around here?

Ian isn't at the White Swallow, but some fat faggot hit on me. I want to kick his fat fucking ass. He's what I imagine Ryan looking like in fifteen years. "You seen this kid," I ask fatty.

"Oh, you like 'em skinny. I can lose thirty pounds if you want."

"Maybe in your ass man, where's the manager?"

He points to a man leaning on the bar. I walk past fat ass and the two queers he's talking to. I can almost feel his eyes on my ass. I flip him off over my head without turning around. _Quit looking at me, faggot._

"You the manager?"

"Who's asking?"

 _I should kick your stupid ass._ He has a fucking handlebar mustache. I slam his head into the table and threaten him for information. He tells me what I need to know. I squeeze his 'stache and pat him on the head.

Ian was transferred to another club called the Fairy Tail. _What is it with queers and their stupid ass names for clubs?_ I take a fucking cab, because I have no idea where the fucking place is. I am happy the place doesn't have a queue for me to stand in to wait. I just walk in and pay the cover fee. I'm not carded.

My heart is trying to escape my chest. I can almost feel it getting lodged in my throat. Ian is in here somewhere. I turn a corner and my heart starts careening against my rib cage. Ian is sliding up and down on another man. He's wearing gold fucking shorts, and a black top that is see through and has a fucking lei around his neck. He looks…different. He looks like he lost weight and grew out his hair.

I watch the asshole slip a pill into Ian's mouth. _You ain't going to roofie him on my watch, motherfucker._ I stomp over and slap the man on the arm. "Okay, lovebirds, time's up." The man doesn't budge. I grab him by his shirt. "I said get the fuck up, it's my turn."

Ian does a double take when he sees me. He's wearing eye liner. _What the fuck have you done to yourself? Did I cause this? Is this because of me? I'm fucking sorry._

"Twenty-Five bucks gets you a dance. Don't want a dance gotta move on," Ian says. He's shaking. _Why the fuck is he shaking? What did that asshole give him?_ I pull twenty-five dollars out of my pocket. Ian makes me slide it into his shorts, which are way too fucking short for him to be wearing.

"I never had to pay for your ass before," I tell him as he pushes me into a chair. Ian gives me an awkward dance. I know it's supposed to be sexy, but I feel uncomfortable. I've never been into this shit. It might be fun if we were alone, but I don't like this at all.

"How was your day going?"

"How's my fucking day going?"

"Having fun?"

"No, I'm not having fun. I spent the whole day looking for your coked out ass." He slides down my thigh. I cringe. Ian turns over. "I can't talk to you like this. These fudge packers have so much snow up your beak you're tweaking like a little bitch. Can we go outside? You can tell me where you've been all this time."

"Time's up. That was fun. We should do it again."

 _What the fuck?_ I grab his shoulder to stop him. He's still shaking like crazy. I explain everything that's been going on to him. He doesn't seem fazed by the news that Frank is dying, but Liam almost dying gets him to look at me. _I missed you. Where the fuck were you?_

"Let's get out of here," I tell him.

"Everything alright, Curtis?" asks a black man coming over to intervene.

"Everything's fine, Roger."

"That man over there looks like he may want a dance," Roger tells Ian. _Curtis is literally the worst name ever. Nice choice, Fire Crotch._

"Don't choke on any gray pubes," I tell Ian miming sucking dick. The black man forces me to leave. "Relax, Shaft, I'm leaving."

I wait in the fucking cold for Ian to come out at the end of his shift. I've been out here what feels like ages. He finally comes out wearing a tank top and jeans, in the middle of fucking winter. There is an old man groping him. When he shoves his hand down Ian's pants I start planning his fucking murder. It's not until he licks him that I grab him.

"Why don't you molest someone your own age you jerk," I punch him in the stomach.

"You're an animal," he tells me.

"I'm not the one licking on underage boys, am I?"

"We were just having some fun."

"Shut the fuck up. Now, give Curtis some money before he calls the cops on you." He hands me fifty bucks. _I bet you offered to pay him for than that, you queer fucker._ I kick his ass. He runs away like a fucking sissy. "Learn how to run like a dude."

I look over and find Ian on the frozen ground passed out. People are walking around him but no one pays any attention to him. _Fuck all of you._ I kneel beside him. He's out cold. Whatever he took has finally caught up to him. I hoist him up on my shoulder. _He's surprisingly light._

A man in an uber pulls over. Lip mentioned something to Mandy about Ian living in a crack house with Monica. He gave me the address. I leave Ian in the uber with the driver, where it's warm. The place has no electricity and its fucking dark, but I look for his shit anyway. I step on a fucking corpse. _A flashlight would be terrific. I'm a fucking idiot._

A man is laying on what looks like Ian's R.O.T.C sleeping bag. I assume everything around that is his stuff. I pile it all into a bag. I should check it for fucking rats and roaches later, I just want to get the fuck out of here.

"I'll blow you for some crack," a naked man asks tugging on my pants. He smells like shit and death.

"Get the fuck off me."

I step over the corpse I stepped on earlier. It's starting to rot. If I wasn't used to this sort of thing I probably would have thrown up. _Thanks, Dad._ Ian is still out cold in the backseat. I slide in.

"I see this boy a lot. He's usually with old men. They don't take such good care of him."

"I've noticed," I say.

"You take care of boy," says the driver. He has a weird accent. "I trust boy with you."

"I trust boy with me too," I tell him. I consider taking Ian to the Gallagher house, but I really don't want his siblings to see him like this. So we go to my house. The driver offers to help me take Ian inside, but I don't want anyone touching him save for me and Ian's own family. No one else.

Ryan comes out to help me. I toss him Ian's bag and tell him to check for vermin. He drops the bag and offers to carry Ian. I stop and stare at him with Ian unconscious over my shoulder.

"Don't fucking touch him."

"You look like you're going to drop him."

"Don't worry about that. I've got him. Just carry that and get the fucking door."

Ryan does as instructed, but he still tries to help carry Ian. I give him a hard shove away. He gets the message. I lay Ian down gently on my bed. It's been made today, Svetlana has been doing that lately.

"He looks different," says Ryan handing me Ian's shit.

"Yeah," I say, sitting down beside my bed to stare at Ian while he sleeps. _I can't believe he's here._ I watch the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes. I look at the freckles on his arms and the red of his hair. I look at the black eye liner on his eyes. I look at how thin he is. I look up and catch Svetlana watching me watch Ian.

She doesn't make a comment. She just leaves. I know I should feel guilty, but I don't. She comes back in dressed for bed twenty minutes later. "I want him off the bed."

"I don't give a fuck what you want," I tell her.

"Move him off the bed now," Svetlana says.

"Fuck off," I tell her. She tries to touch him. I reach out and stop her hand before it gets close to him. "I will break your fucking hand. Don't touch."

"Then put him on the floor or the couch or outside. I don't want him on the bed."

"Fine," I tell her. I go to the linen closet that Mandy keeps stocked. I take out all the blankets and make a place on the floor for Ian. I had layers to make it soft. I steal some pillows off our bed and put them down there for him.

"Need some help?" Ryan asks.

"No. I got it," I say, as I slowly and carefully lift Ian. He twitches. I panic thinking he's going to wake up but he doesn't. It was probably a reaction to the drugs. I lay him down on his stomach and take off his shoes. I turn up the thermostat in the house so he doesn't get cold. "There, happy. He's off the bed."

"Is that him?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Is that the boy who you were with when your father caught you?"

"You got a problem with that?" I ask getting in her face.

"I have a problem with you, you piece of shit."

"I got him off the fucking bed, and if you ever call me a piece of shit again I'll kick your fucking ass out."

Svetlana walks around Ian to get to her side of the bed. She looks at him like she wants to kick him. I challenge her. She climbs into the bed. I watch Ian sleep a little more and check his vital signs before I finally get into bed.

"You can't keep him," says Svetlana.

"Fuck off," I tell her.

_Yes I fucking can, and yes I fucking will._


	53. Baby Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is back and thinking of his future with Mickey.

I wake up and glance around. _Where am I?_ I spot the word "Fuck" on the wall a lot and the house smells familiar. _Mickey's room?_ I turn my head to see a pregnant sitting on the edge of a bed. It's _Her._

"Morning," I say to _Her._

"It is afternoon, you sleep all day."

I nod. I get up. I look down quickly. Mickey put blankets on the floor for me. I don't really remember how I got here. I make a break for the shower. I remember where it is. I'm familiar with the Milkovich house. I pass Ryan on my way to the bathroom.

"You're up, man. I thought you were dead," says Ryan.

"Ryan!" I embrace him and give him a squeeze. "It's so good to see you. You look exactly the same. I can't believe you live here. Wow. We must catch up later."

"Okay," says Ryan. I give him another squeeze before I go into the bathroom. I strip and get in the shower. Half way through letting the water run over me someone yanks the curtain back. _She_ gets in my face with a claw hammer.

"I have baby soon, I cannot work. He must take care of me and baby. You go. We do not need you. You sleep here tonight in this house, I kill you. I will bash your orange head." _She_ ends her threat with something in Russian.

Before _She_ leaves _She_ looks at my dick. I dress in the bathroom. Mickey got my clothes from that place. I guess the only left now is to go home. I dress warmly. Ryan is holding out a cup of coffee and gives me a nod.

"Thanks for being there for Mick," I tell him.

"Uh—no problem," says Ryan with his mouth full of food.

"Where is Mick?"

"Work," says Ryan.

"Oh," I say.

"Where are you going?" Ryan asks.

"I don't know yet," I tell him. I pat him on the arm. "See ya."

"Hold on, don't leave. Mickey will want to see you when he gets back."

But I'm out the door before he can protest. I walk down the street in the direction of my family. I guess that's the only thing left. I need to return home to see everyone. The house is empty but for Fiona who is sitting in the kitchen when I come in the front door.

She practically jumps in my arms. I sniff her hair. The familiarity of it warms me up. I hug her tight. I can't believe how much I missed her. She feels the same way. She fits in my arms the same way. This is good. I like this. Nothing has changed.

"I love you," I tell her patting her.

"I love you too, you piece of shit. I can't believe you ran away. What the fuck, Ian?"

"I'm sorry. I had to," I tell her, but I kiss her forehead. She holds me tight.

"Why did you leave?"

"I don't want to talk about it right now. I met some amazing people. Oh my god, I can't wait to tell you all about it," I tell her as I begin to take off my hat and gloves.

"You hungry?"

"Starving," I say. Fiona lets me have her sandwich and I down it in three bites. She is watching me carefully. I notice the house arrest monitor on her leg. "Nice hardware."

"Oh yeah, all I can get on are 'fuck me' pumps and tennis shoes." I laugh. Fiona stops what she is doing and looks at me. "You alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You seem a little caffeinated."

"I quit smoking. I guess it just gave me this sudden burst of energy," I tell her. "So I think we should get a cat." I tell her. "I've been reading about them. They're very intelligent animals and they're low maintenance." Fiona leans across the table and touches my forehead. "What?"

"I was just checking to make sure you're not sick. You seem different," Fiona says.

"Oh check it out," I tell her and raise my shirt to show off my new tattoo.

"Sexy," says Fiona slapping me on the belly.

"I thought you'd be furious."

"I left coke out and Liam found it, I have no right to judge," Fiona says.

"Congratulations, you're Frank," I joke. Fiona shakes her head. She bursts into tears. _Oh no, don't cry, I was joking._ I stand up and pull her into a hug. "I didn't mean it."

"I almost killed Liam and you weren't here. I didn't look for you. I was too caught up in my own fucking life to look for you. For all I knew you could have been dead." She sobs in my arms. She holds me so tight it's hard to breathe, but I continue to hold her.

"I'm fine," I tell her.

"I want you to know that I love you, Ian. Okay, just because I didn't look for you doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you so much it hurts," Fiona says. I have no idea when she plans on letting me go, but I hold her too.

Eventually, Fiona releases me and I go upstairs to my bedroom. I sit down on my old bed. It still feels the same. I take out my notebook and begin to write frantically. The ideas just keep coming. When I look up Mickey has come in.

"So you left, and took all your shit," Mickey says.

"Your bride threatened me with a claw hammer."

My brothers and sister enter my room. I jump up to hug them and kiss them and love on them. It's nice to be around them. When Lip hugs me I clutch on to him. It's been a long time since I've seen him and I missed him most.

"We'll catch up later," says Lip looking between me and Mickey.

"So you coming back," Mickey asks me when they're gone.

"Depends will you suck my dick whenever I want?" I ask him. I'm taunting him. He knows it.

"Fuck off," he says. I shrug and start writing again. "What are you writing?"

"Thoughts, Ideas," I tell him.

"I'll do it."

"Do what?"

"Don't make me say it, ass wipe."

"Suck my dick," I say with a teasing tone to my voice. Mickey drops to his knees in front of me and hurriedly unzips my pants. He sucks me off like a pro. I grab on to his hair. It doesn't take long until I come into his mouth. When we're done, I zip up and pat the spot beside me on the bed. I shift positions so that I am in between Mickey's legs and he has his arms around me. We cuddle like that.

I feel him kissing the side of my face, and nibbling on my ear. I lean into him. I turn my head a little to the right and meet his lips with mine. Mickey kisses me in a way he never has before. After the short make out session, I lean against him.

"So, what do you want to name your baby?" I ask taking his hand. He kisses my cheek and I feel his face in my hair.

"What baby?"

"Your baby, you're having with _her_ ," I say, "I've written down a list of names that I think are good." I rifle through my notebook until I find the five pages of baby names that I wrote down. I hand them to Mickey.

"You have way too much free time," he kisses my hair. "I don't think Svetlana wants me to name the baby."

"He's your kid too. You should have a say. And if I am raising him too I should at least get to suggest some names."

"You're raising him too?" Mickey asks squeezing my hand tighter. He's being oddly affectionate.

"Yeah. I mean, if you want me too. I always thought we'd have a family together."

"You think about that shit," Mickey says.

"Yeah. I think about our future all the time. You don't?"

Mickey without missing a beat says, "I think about the future all the time. I wonder what sort of dates we'll go on next week, and if I'm going to buy you _Reese's Pieces_ or man up and get legit flowers, I wonder about how I'm going to keep you safe, and if you're going to run off again or not. But no matter what, I can't imagine a future without you in it."

Now it's my turn to kiss Mickey. I turn over mid kiss and deepen the connection. I lay Mickey back on the bed and kiss him so deeply I feel something poke me in the thigh. I smile in the kiss and slide my hands under his shirt. He winces from my hands being cold against his skin.

When things start to heat up, we both start panting heavily. Just when things are about to get really good, I hear some shuffling in the hallway. I don't get off Mickey and he won't let me stop kissing him.

"Hey, not in here," says Fiona. Mickey and I finally stop kissing. He hides his face from my sister.

"What? I'm not doing anything wrong."

Fiona comes in and shuts the door.

"I know that, Ian. I just don't want Carl or Liam to walk in on you two. They've seen Lip and Mandy going at it, but I think seeing gay sex might scar Carl for life, no offense."

"He once asked me where gay wieners go. I think he'll be fine."

"Ian. Not in here, use my room or Lip's."

"Fine," I say, getting a little harsh with her. She recoils and leaves. I climb off Mickey and we get back into cuddling position. "She's overreacting."

"Ian, it's okay," says Mickey.

"No it's not," I say. But Mickey pulls me back into him and holds me tight. He nuzzles his head against mine. "Sorry."

"Forget about it," Mickey says. He kisses the side of my face.

"Let's go on a date," I suggest.

"It's winter. I think it'll be cold to sit under the L and make out when we could do it right here," says Mickey.

"No, a real date, I want to go out in public with you," I tell him.

"Ian, you just got back."

"So what? Let's go out."

I jump up and start putting on layers. Mickey finally gives in and begins to layer himself too. I take his hand. He releases it when we pass my siblings. I roll my eyes at him. I kiss the top of Liam's head as I go out the door.

Mickey and I walk side by side down the street. We pass Tony getting off duty. He pulls me into a hug. I take an opportunity to feel his muscles under his uniform.

"Ian, you're back. I was starting to worry. Fiona wouldn't let me file a missing person's report. But I'm glad you're back," Says Tony.

"Yeah, it's nice to be home. It was good to see you. We'll catch up later."

"I look forward to it," says Tony.

When Tony goes into his house I notice Mickey has walked off. He's smoking a cigarette and not looking at me. I catch up to him.

"You are not fucking doing this again," Mickey says.

"What did I do?"

"Flirted with Barney Fife in front of me. I'm fucking tired of it, Ian."

"I'm sorry, Mick. Tony's my friend."

"Yeah, like you haven't fucked him," Mickey says.

"I haven't."

Mickey looks into my eyes. I insist I haven't fucked Tony and he believes me. I lean over and kiss Mickey to reassure him. He doesn't kiss me back, but instead he takes my hand.

"I'm still kicking his fucking ass," says Mickey.

"Where are we going?" I ask.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I'm hungry," I tell Mickey putting my hand on my stomach. It's growling like crazy. Mickey leads the way. We take the bus together, Mickey holds my hand. He glowers at anyone who stares too long. Mickey flips off an older woman and her brats when they start making comments to each other. And I have to restrain him from attacking a minister. But we finally make it to Wendy's. I smile at Mickey.

"You said you were hungry and we aren't dressed for anything fancy," says Mickey. He smiles at nods his head in the direction of the door. I grin and follow him.

We sit inside the building where it's warm. We sit together. I rub my foot against Mickey's under the table. He smiles at me. I lean over and kiss his cheek. He quickly glances around to see if anyone noticed. He wipes it off.

"This is nice," I say.

"Yeah," says Mickey with his mouth full. He has mustard on his lip. I want to lean over and lick it off but he'd probably freak out.

"Will you sleep over tonight?" I ask.

"Planned on it," Mickey says finally getting the mustard off his lips.

"I like the name Presley for a girl. Presley Milkovich sounds cute doesn't it?"

"You're still on that?"

"I like Austin for a boy. Austin Milkovich doesn't really sound that good though. Maybe Sebastian."

"She's not going to let me name the brat," Mickey says, "Let's drop it."

"How about me? If you had to come up with a pet name for me, what would it be?"

"Why the fuck are you asking me this shit?" Mickey asks and doesn't answer. He so adamantly doesn't answer that he shuts his mouth tight and doesn't look at me until I drop it.

"Are you done? Ready to walk back," I say. But Mickey and I don't walk back. Mickey takes me into a flower shop that is about to close. We browse. "I'm not really into flowers, but I appreciate the gesture."

He grumbles and groans and doesn't say anything. Mickey takes me by the hand and we walk together in silence until we get to another place. A pet store.

"I want a kitten," I tell Mickey, "but Fiona said no."

"You can play with them," says Mickey picking up the smallest one and handing it to me. It mews while trying to climb away.

"Aw," I say nuzzling the kitten. I lean over and kiss Mickey on the cheek, which he wipes off and looks around to see if anyone noticed. "I want to keep it."

"You can't," says Mickey, "and stop fucking kissing me."

I put the kitten back and Mickey takes me to a candy store. He buys me whatever I want. We walk back to my house together eating the candy we bought. Mickey finally holds my hand and let's me kiss him.

Mickey makes a place for himself on the floor beside my bed. I cannot talk him into sleeping beside me on my tiny, bed. But we stay up talking for a few hours, about random shit until he finally drifts off. I watch him sleep for awhile until I feel sleep take hold.


	54. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey goes to Ian's work party.

I am roused from sleep by Ian's voice coming from downstairs. I'm in the Gallagher house. The first place I go is the bathroom. Ian's clothes from the night before are on the floor. I can't help but smile to myself knowing he's home. I did that. I brought him back. _He's where he belongs._ But it's almost unbelievable.

Ian's family is crazy. They're very loving, but fucking crazy. I can hear Ian's voice again. _Is he fucking singing? What the fuck?_ Downstairs Mandy is waiting for me. She tells me my bitch of a wife is in labor with the child that may or may not be mine in the first place. I don't give a shit.

"Congrats," says Ian. I flip him off. He grins at me. I load a plate of whatever Lip is making for breakfast. I lean against the counter as Fiona, Debbie, and Carl argue over some shit. I can't help but wonder what Ian's family thinks about me being here. Not that I give a shit.

I sit down beside Ian at the table and pour him some coffee after everyone leaves. Fiona begs Ian for money. "You want to work with me tonight?" Ian asks.

"Sure, I have nothing better to do than watch a bunch for pruny queens slap their sacks against your ass cheeks."

"Why don't we hang out this morning?" Ian suggests.

"Sure."

Ian and I bundle up. We walk side by side down the street. About half way, I drag him into an alley and kiss him like the sun won't fucking rise without him. I slide my tongue into his mouth and press myself against him. He moans into the kiss. I moan into the kiss. I rub my thigh against him and feel his hardness against me.

"We can't fuck here," says Ian panting after the kiss. "It's too cold."

But I don't care. I'm willing to do it in a fucking briar patch if he would just fuck the shit out of me. Ian does. He pounds my ass like he fucking owns it. We're not alone in the alley. There are two men doing a drug deal, but they're not paying attention to us. I can't blame them.

When we're finished I pin Ian against a wall and kiss him hard. He kisses back. I show ownership. I dominate. I refuse to let him take over. I push his hands away as he tries to be in control. He starts to become more aggressive. Soon he has over powered me and is leading the way. I give in.

"I missed you," Ian says with the last bite on my neck.

"Ditto," I say. He pulls back.

"What? You still can't say you like me?"

 _Oh, fuck, not this shit again._ I light a cigarette. Ian walks away. I quicken my pace to keep up with his long fucking legs. He walks into the department store nearby and I put out my cigarette and go in after him. He grabs a cart. _Why the fuck are we here?_

"Ian," I say, chasing after him.

"Leave me the fuck alone," Ian says.

"I missed the fuck out of you. I was," I look around the store, and notice people are watching us. I flip them off, I lower my voice to a whisper, "I was pining for you."

"You were?"

"Yeah," I say looking right in his eyes. He tries to kiss me, but I back away. He shrugs and goes back to shopping. I throw Bisquick in the cart along with syrup. Ian smiles at me as he looks around for different shit.

I spot some fucking cookies I want on a high shelf. I look for Ian. He is preoccupied with something. "Fuck," I say, standing on tiptoes to try to reach it. _I hate being fucking short._

"Here, let me get that," says a tall stranger. I look up into the face of a man with bright blue eyes. He has dark hair. He's smiling at me. He hands me the cookies. "I've never seen you in here. I'm Ezra."

"Yeah, hi," I say feeling awkward. I don't socialize, especially not with men in grocery stores.

Ezra leans in closely and I catch a whiff of his fucking cologne. It smells nothing like what Ian wears. It's not bad. "So, uh, I prefer Oreos to chocolate chip. I really like the crème filling," he says slowly.

Suddenly a cart hits the shelf behind us with such force it knocks several boxes of cookies into the cart and the rest fall on the floor. Ian is fucking angry. Like really fucking angry, like ready to cut a fucking bitch angry. His face has turned the exact color of his hair. I put as many steps between me and what the fuck his name is as I can. I've never seen Ian angry, but from what I've heard about red head's combined with Gallagher tempers, this will get fucking ugly.

"Back the fuck away from Mickey," Ian says slowly, closing the distance between himself and the Friendly Giant. When the man starts laughing at the pout on Ian's face, I can see fire blazing in Ian's eyes.

"Ian," I say stepping between them.

"Is this your boyfriend? He's fucking insane. You could do a lot better," says Tall Guy, who's name is a distant memory. "He's cute, but I think he's fucking crazy. You should lock him up."

"Ian," I say, trying to get his attention. He has his hands on Tall Fucking Asshole's shirt and has him pinned against the shelf. "Ian, calm down."

"He hit on you," Ian says, "He's mine." Ian slams the man against the shelf. "Mine."

"Ian, can you fucking hear me?" I ask. I wedge myself between them and give Ian a hard shove. He releases the man for a moment then grabs a hold of him again. By now several employees and onlookers have circled. "They're going to call the police."

"Mickey?" says Ryan with a shopping cart in front of him. I nod at him and with a jerk of my head beg for his help. He grabs hold of Ian and pulls him off the man. He is able to restrain him while I deal with the employees.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on with him. Don't call the fucking police," I tell them.

"Is he on drugs?" asks a female worker who looks frustrated.

"I don't fucking know. I'm sorry."

I walk away and join Ryan and Ian in the check out. Ian is clutching his cart with a grip so tight his knuckles are turning white. I put my hand on his. I don't care if we're in public. I don't know what the fuck happened back there, and it scared the shit out of me. I have never seen Ian act like that.

"So, I think we need eggs," Ian says finally. _What the fuck? He's fucking smiling._

"I'll get them," Ryan says, rubbing Ian's back gently. "Stay here in line and I will get them."

Ryan is gone all of five minutes when he returns with eggs for Ian. Ian picks up a box of _Reese's Pieces_ and a Snickers and puts them in the cart. When it's his turn to check out the poor girl who was about to call the police refuses to look him in the eye. She's trembling.

"We should go to the aquarium. I've always wanted to go, I've never been able to afford it, but with what I make at the club we can go. Do you want to go?" Ian asks as the girl scans Ian's items.

"I fucking hate fish," I tell him as I step in front of him to pay for the groceries. Ryan is keeping close to Ian. I look at him. He shrugs. "But yeah, we could go."

"We'll go in the spring when's warm."

"Your total is $23.75," says the girl. I hand her twenty-five and grab our fucking sacks. I motion Ian along. We wait while Ryan pays then the three of us leave together. Ian walks a step ahead.

"What the fuck just happened?" Ryan whispers.

"The fuck if I know, man," I say lighting a cigarette.

"Is he on drugs?" Ryan asks.

"I have no fucking clue. It could be anything."

"Well, I have to get back, I'm making chili and I forgot the peppers. I have a date tonight."

"Jesus, you didn't kidnap some chick did you?" I ask.

"No. She legitimately agreed to date me. Can you believe it?"

"Is this girl real? She's not a fucking Sim is she?" I ask teasing him.

"Fuck you," Ryan says with a smile. He flips me off and leaves with his groceries.

I catch up with Ian and we walk back to the Gallagher house so he can get ready for work. I want to bring up what happened in the market but I have no fucking clue where to even begin. Ian is talking a mile a minute about this solider from Basic until I reach a fucking breaking point.

"Okay, I get it. You were fucking jealous. I am sorry I even let that asshole hand me the fucking cookies, but can you please shut the fuck up about this G.I. asshole you met at Basic. I'm sure his dick was like a python but I don't want to hear about it."

"I wasn't jealous of you with that, Mickey. I don't get jealous."

"That wasn't jealousy. What the fuck was it?" I ask.

"I just didn't like him," Ian says.

I stop walking and stare at Ian for a moment. He doesn't seem to have noticed. I finally move again. _What the fuck?_ I choose to drop it. He's going to deny it, fine. I will too.

Ian puts the groceries away immediately and runs upstairs without so much as looking at me. Fiona watches me closely. I shrug at her and follow Ian upstairs. The water is running in the shower. I wait. When he comes out with just a towel around his waist I grab him.

"You have a fucking tattoo?" I ask. _How the fuck did I just now notice? Has that always been there?_ I trace it with my finger. I feel myself getting hard. "I like it."

"You like it, but you won't admit you like me."

"Not this again. I fucking admitted that I missed you, isn't that enough?" I ask.

"No. It's not."

Ian starts to walk away from me; I take him by the hand. I spin him around and bring my lips to his. Ian hesitates before he kisses me back. I lean into the kiss and he puts his hand on the back of my head.

"I like you," I tell him afterwards, "now fucking drop it."

Ian gets dressed. I don't know why, he'll be out of those clothes and into a lot less in a few hours anyway. I am not fucking happy about Ian's job, that's why I'm going to make sure all those fucking queers keep their fucking hands to themselves.

The club smells like cum, alcohol, and a mixture of different colognes. It's almost nauseating. I pick a seat close to the platform where Ian is dancing and start ordering beers. Ian's not a terrible dancer; it's just not my thing. I would rather him dance just for me.

One fucking fat faggot tries to slide Ian a ten dollar bill. I grab him by the hand and stop him. _Oh hell fucking no._ "Those fingers go anywhere near that cock and I'll break every knuckle in your hand, all fifteen of them."

"Settle down, Rumblefish. The hand only has fourteen knuckles."

"You want to fucking die?" I ask.

Ian jumps down from the platform. "We got invited to an after hours at the loft of one of my regulars," Ian says happily. The eye liner around his eyes is kind of flattering. "It's fun. What's wrong with fun?"

"Nothing unless it involves some fat faggot shoving his hands down your—" and Ian tries to kiss me. I instinctively back away. I look around. There are lots of men kissing in here. No one gives a shit. No one is looking at us. I grab Ian and kiss him. The first time we've ever kissed in public. It feels good. He feels good. His skin is so warm and his muscles are so hard, and I'm happy. He's kissing me in public and I'm kissing him back. It feels fucking amazing.

I kiss Ian all night. Even when we're that queer's loft, I kiss Ian. I wrap him up in my arms on the man's pull out couch and kiss him. I kiss him when other men try to talk to him. Until they finally get him away from me longer than a couple of minutes.

"He's so sexy," says one faggot.

_Are they fucking talking about Ian?_

"Did you see his knuckles, they say 'Fuck U-Up' I am so turned on," says another.

 _They're talking about me._ Ian returns to my side.

"Ian is with him? Are they together or did they just meet?" I move Ian away from those idiots. I don't want him to hear them. I need to avoid a repeat of the grocery store incident.

"They're all talking about you," I tell him.

"Nah, they're talking about you. You're new and they think it's interesting," says Ian.

"Fuck them. Come here," I tell him. I kiss him in front of them.

Ian and I sleep on the pull out couch. We spend the night mostly talking. I put my hand on Ian's arm and hold on to him. I don't want him to get up and run off in the middle of the night. I want him to stay right here. If I'm touching him and he moves I'll know it.

I feel a hand touching my shoulder. I take my hand off Ian's arm and swat at the person touching me from reflex. _You never can be too certain in my neighborhood._ It's the host of last night's party. _If you can fucking call it that._

"I'm taking breakfast orders: Scrambled eggs, pancakes, or French Toast?"

"Eggs," I say rubbing my eyes.

"What do you think he'll want?"

"I don't know I'm not his keeper." Pancakes. Ian will want pancakes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to assume. Did you two just meet last night or are you together?"

I think about it for a moment, "Together."Ian and I are together. We're a couple. We're together. _I can't believe I fucking admitted that, and the little sleeping bastard didn't even hear it. Mandy's right, I am a fucking pussy._


	55. Boyfriends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Gallaghers aren't thrilled about Ian and Mickey's relationship.

I only get a few hours of sleep. I can't sleep thinking about how my boyfriend is now a father. If Mickey and I get married someday, the kid will be mine. I spring up in bed and look at Mickey laying on the floor beside the bed. I touch the side of his head and run my fingers through his hair.

_I love you, Mickey. You're so beautiful._

It's still dark out. I dress warmly and head out for a run. I can't stop moving. I have so much energy still that I can't stop moving. I run past Sheila's. I know Frank's in the hospital now. Sheila comes out on her porch and waves at me. I wave back.

I run past Kash 'N' Grab. It's too early for it to open. The sun is starting to rise. I stop running and spin around in the warmth of the rising sun. The way the sun shines on the snow is so beautiful. I shiver, and then start running again.

A woman walking nearby gets catcalled. I run beside her and on the shield her from the men who are harassing her. When we get past them I run on ahead. She nods at me. I keep running until the sun is well overhead then I head home.

The house is still quiet. Everyone is sleeping still. I start going through cabinets to get ready to make pancakes. Mickey comes downstairs in his underwear. He smacks my ass. I lean over and kiss him. I love that we're cohabitating. It's very domestic. Mickey squeezes my biceps and leans in for another kiss.

"Why the fuck are you up so early?" He asks as he starts to make coffee.

"Couldn't sleep. I have way too much energy. So did your wife tell you what your son is called?"

"My wife's name is Svetlana, and I don't give a shit about the kid's name. It's probably not even mine. I only fucked her that one time and I'm not sure I even dropped a load in her."

Mickey doesn't look at me. We both wince at the memory we've tried forgetting. Finally, we look at each other. Mickey nods. I nod. And it's dropped. We won't bring it up again.

" _Her_ name doesn't matter," I say bitterly as I forcefully fling pancake batter on the griddle.

"She doesn't like you either," Mickey says, "Can I smoke in here?"

"I don't care," I tell him. Mickey lights up. "I don't want _her_ to like me. You won't be married forever."

"What do you mean?"

"You were mine before you were _hers_."

"I'm still yours," Mickey says as I lean down for him to kiss me. When we hear footsteps on the stairs Mickey puts some distance between us. I roll my eyes. He still won't let my family see him for who he really is.

"You're still here?" Debbie asks Mickey.

"Thought you'd seen the last of me?" Mickey asks her handing her the coffee pot.

"I know you're fucking my brother. I'm thirteen, I'm not blind. I know you're the reason he left and I know that you were the one who broke his heart before. I'm gonna say this once, I carry a shiv. You break his heart again and I'll stab you in the eye."

"Noted," says Mickey with a smirk. He looks at me and winks. I want to kiss him in front of my sister. _What am I waiting for?_ I temporarily abandon the pancakes. Debbie takes them over. I kiss Mickey right on the mouth in front of her. "Don't do shit like that."

"You're unbelievable," I tell him.

"If it helps, I think you're a cute couple," says Debbie.

"Thanks, Debs," I tell her. I go back to the stove and kiss the side of my sister's face. Lip comes in carrying Liam. He rubs my shoulders. We used to be close.

"Can we talk for a minute, Ian?" Lip asks. He gives Mickey a less than friendly look and leads me to the living room. "You're my brother and I care about you, but this thing with Mickey isn't healthy. He'll only hurt you again."

"No. It's different this time. He picked me," I tell him. I can't stand still. I sway back and forth as Lip is talking to me. I start picking long dark hairs off his clothes. He must have a new girlfriend or something.

"Ian, I don't want you getting hurt then leaving again."

"It won't happen, Lip."

"He got married and you left, remember?"

"He won't be married forever," I tell Lip. "I'm figuring out a way to get him out of it so he can be free to be with me. So you better get used to having him around. I want him here."

"You're not seriously talking about marriage are you?"

"Maybe," I say.

"Good luck with that," Lip says, patting me on the back. "But consider what I said."

I follow Lip back into the kitchen as Fiona and Carl come down. The whole family is here for breakfast. Everyone I love in the same room. I rub Mickey's head affectionately in front of my family. I try to shovel a forkful of pancake in his mouth but he swats my hand away.

"Don't feed me, I'm not a baby," Mickey says. I look at him and he caves. He opens his mouth to let me feed him. "What the fuck are you staring at, Lip?" I look at Lip who is shaking his head.

"I'm look at this fucking charade. What the fuck? I thought you were a thug and here you are being fork fed by my brother. It's really fucking cute. If only the other Milkovich's could see you."

"I think it's sweet," says Debbie.

"I don't get it," says Carl. "Is Mickey gay?"

"No," says Mickey sternly.

"Hey, let's not discuss this right now," says Fiona. It's a losing battle.

"Are you going to marry Ian?" Carl asks.

"I'm already married."

_For now._

"You can't have more than one spouse at a time?" Carl asks.

"No," says Fiona. "Leave the boys alone, Carl."

"Are you the asshole who dumped Ian and made him leave?"

"Yes," says Lip.

"Enough," says Fiona. She shoots me an apologetic look.

"If he's staying in our house I think I deserve to know why," says Carl.

"Wife troubles," Mickey says.

"Your wife is hot, what's not to like?" Carl asks. Fiona has reached a breaking point. She slaps the back of Carl's head gives him some money and sends him to school. Debbie kisses me on the cheek and pats Mickey on the shoulder awkwardly. He waves just as awkwardly. _Thanks for trying, Debs._

"Seriously, Mickey, if you break Ian's heart again, I'll break your fucking face."

"You have a problem?" Mickey asks raising his voice.

"Yeah, I do. I have a big problem with guys who string my brother along for almost two years and then break his heart by marrying some Russian chick. You're a fucking asshole and I have no fucking clue what Ian sees in you."

"You don't know anything," Mickey says.

"Stop fucking my brother," Lip says.

Mickey flips Lip off and goes upstairs to get away from him. I would follow but I look at Lip and then at Fiona.

"Mickey chose me, I need you to be okay with that," I tell them.

"I don't have time for this. I have to work," says Fiona. "Go see V later okay."

"So, when I do something you don't like or care about you two just push it to the side? I'm not good enough. You didn't even bother to look for me. You know who did? Mickey. Mickey came to get me. At least he fucking cares," I say.

I storm out. I'm done. I don't want to deal with them anymore. I get half way down the block when a hand links itself with mine. I look over my shoulder at Mickey who has a worried expression on his face.

"Don't leave," Mickey chokes. A single tear has formed in the corner of his eye. I notice his pants are unzipped and unbuttoned and so is his jacket. His shoes are untied. He just ran after me. I stop and straighten up his clothing. I tie his shoes and zip his jacket.

"I'm not leaving. I just needed to get out of the house," I tell Mickey to calm him down.

"I thought—I thought you were leaving again," Mickey says out of breath.

"You came after me?"

Mickey doesn't answer. He's still trying to calm down. I wait for his heart rate to slow down and for him to catch his breath.

"I have a drug deal this morning. When I get back I'm spending the day with you," Mickey says. He shakes as he tries to light a cigarette. I take the lighter from him and light it for him. He smiles at me for a moment.

"I'm coming too," I say.

"Remember the last time you came on one of my drug deals? You almost died," Mickey says.

"But you'll be with me."

"No fucking way. You're not coming," Mickey says.

"Fine," I say walking away from him. I hear Mickey whisper, "fuck" then he catches up with me.

"Wait for me at the Alibi. I will be right there. It won't take me longer than an hour."

"Fuck you," I say, "I can go where I please."

"Ian, don't you fucking dare follow me on this drug deal."

I shrug. Mickey isn't convinced. I follow him to his house where he arms himself. He keeps one on his hip and the other gun he hides on himself. Mandy's large black boyfriend eyes me down.

"Who the fuck are you?" He asks.

"Ian," I say.

"I thought you might be this Lip asshole Mandy used to fuck," says Kenyatta.

"No, he's my brother," I say.

"Did you date Mandy too?"

"I'm dating him," I point to Mickey.

Mickey takes me by the collar and drags me away from the guy. Ryan and Iggy are playing a videogame on the TV in the living room. Mickey sits me down on the couch between them.

"I can't deal with this shit right now," says Mickey.

"I didn't do anything," I say, standing up.

"Stop fucking telling everyone about this," Mickey says motioning between us.

"Newsflash," Ryan says pausing his game, "It's really not a secret."

"Shut the fuck up," Mickey barks, "That argument in your house this morning, you kissing me in front of your little sister and Carl. I'm not ready."

"I'm sorry that I like you and want to show you off. I'm proud of you."

"I can't deal with this right now. I'm late for a drug deal. Stay here," Mickey says.

"Come on, I won't get hurt," I say.

"Okay, Tough Guy, like you weren't almost shot at the last time," Mickey says.

I don't move, "Tough Guy" that's a new one. I like it.

"What am I supposed to do until you come back?" I ask giving him my best puppy eyes.

"Hang out with Ryan," says Mickey.

I want Mickey to at least kiss me good-bye. I lean in, he puts his "fuck" hand up to stop me. I sit back down. Mickey leaves. I sit between Ryan and Iggy and watch them kick the shit out of each other on their videogame a while.

"I'm going in the kitchen," I say. When they're not paying attention I sneak out the door. Kenyatta practically holds it open for me. I know where Mickey does his drug deals. I start to take off in that direction when Mickey comes walking towards his house. He does not look happy.

Mickey looks around and then meets me in a kiss. It's a quick kiss. He hands me a white rose and a box of _Reese's Pieces._ I take it and look at him. He's blushing deeply. "I got you this too," Mickey says, handing me a card.

"What's this? I thought you were going on a drug deal?"

"Don't think too much of it. It's not an everyday thing. So don't get fucking used to it."

Mickey waits for me to walk back to my house with him. He even holds my hand. I sniff the rose and then kiss him on the cheek.

"Lip's wrong about you," I tell him.

"Don't tell him that, I wouldn't want to damage his giant ass ego."

"You're so fucking cute," I tell him.

"Don't you ever say that to me again," Mickey says defensively. His face is the color of my hair.

 


	56. Choosing Ian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Svetlana asks Mickey to come home. He makes a choice.

"Come home," says Svetlana to me at the Alibi. I flip her off as I walk around giving my whores instructions. I know its fucking winter, but they need to be wearing fewer clothes. As I told my bitch of a wife, "They're not climbing Everest they're climbing dick."

"I'm not coming home."

"Your son needs you. His name is Yevgeny," Svetlana says. I do a double take. _What the fuck kind of name is that?_ "He's named after my father."

"The father who sold you for $200," I say.

"It was $300 and he has good qualities too, you piece of shit. Come home, or I will tell your father that you and Orange Boy are rubbing your dicks together."

"Fuck you," I say. "I don't want to be around you. I don't want to look at you. I don't fucking want you."

I meet up with Ryan and Iggy. Iggy is boasting about the guy he helped kill. I take a cigarette from him and listen to him go on and on about it. "Are we dumping the body?" I ask, taking a hit.

"Nah, I think we're going to inflame it," Iggy says.

"You mean incinerate," Ryan says.

"That's your area of expertise isn't it? I mean, you torched your own fucking house," I say.

"Yep, I am so glad one of you committed a murder I can actually help cover up. I am fucking sick of chopping up bodies. Do we ask Mandy to help?"

"Nah, leave my sister out of this. I don't want her in trouble."

"What about your husband?" Iggy asks. Ryan starts fucking laughing.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Ian," Ryan and Iggy say at the exact same time. It's fucking eerie.

"He's not my—fuck off," I say.

"You two are basically married. You're cohabitating, you act all cute and fluffy around his family, the in-laws don't care for you, face it dude, you two are married," Ryan says.

_Holy fucking shit. We do all those things._

"You are more a husband to Ian than Svetlana. It's fucking hilarious because you keep denying it, but it's so fucking true. You are straight up married to this guy and you're head over fucking heels," says Iggy.

"Speaking of, where is your husband?" Ryan asks.

"He's not my—he's with Debbie. They're looking for Fiona."

"Why are they looking for Fiona? Isn't she supposed to be the responsible one?" Ryan asks.

"She didn't come home last night. No one knows where she is. Have you seen her?"

"I wish I'd seen her. She has great tits," Iggy says. I pick up a rock and throw it at his fucking head. "Ow. Fuck you, asshole. I don't want your help with the fucking body now."

"You can't say things like that about Mickey's sister-in-law, he'll kick your ass," Ryan says. I throw a rock at him too. He dodges it.

"Seriously? Have you seen her? I want to give Ian some good news. I want to make him think I was productive today."

"Aw, you care what your husband thinks. That's so cute," Iggy says.

"I'm going to kill you in your sleep."

"I wish I could help, Micks, but I can't. I quit spying on Fiona about a month ago. I spy on V now. Isn't she having her twins?"

"You are so fucking disgusting," I say putting out my cigarette. I spot Carl Gallagher from a distance with a girl. I roll my eyes. _What the fuck is that kid doing?_ That Bonnie is going to get him locked up in Juvie before he's thirteen.

"Mick," Iggy says waving his hand in front of my face.

"What? Stop doing that, you trying to flag down an airplane?"

"Dude, what's with you? You care about the fucking in-laws?"

"Nevermind, when are we burning the body?" I ask.

"I was hoping we'd go right now, or do you need to check in with the spouse?" Iggy says.

"Fuck off; I don't want Ian to know about this."

"I meant Svetlana," Iggy says giving me a look that says he won. I flip him off.

"Fuck that bitch," I say. I motion for those two idiots to follow me.

"I keep trying to fuck that bitch but she won't let me and I'm out of Rufinol," says Iggy. _I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that._ "Hey, Mick, is that how you got Ian to fuck you?"

"I'm going to push you in the incinerator with the body if you don't shut the fuck up."

We cross paths with Carl and Bonnie. They are hiding next to a dumpster and laughing a little nervously. _What the fuck did he do?_

"Mickey," Carl says, "We robbed the store over there at gun point, how awesome is that?"

"You did what?"

_Ian's going to commit murder over this if he finds out. Lip will shit rocks and die, hopefully._ I want to kick myself for even getting involved with this kid. Now that I know, I can't unknow.

"Then why are you still standing here?" Iggy asks.

"They don't know it was us."

"Where'd you get a gun?" I ask.

"Bonnie," says Carl. Bonnie waves at me.

"Come with me. That was a stupid fucking move," I tell Carl.

"I'm not going with you," Carl says.

"We're going to incinerate a body," Ryan whispers.

"Awesome," says Carl and Bonnie together. They tag along. We could use the kid's help. Carl's on the criminal track anyway, why not help him out? The body is hidden in the back of the car. The same car Mandy used to hit Karen Jackson.

"You left it in the backseat?" I ask slapping Iggy in the back of the head.

"He's heavy," says Iggy.

"How the fuck are we related?"

"Where are we burning it? Back yard?"

"No. We're taking him to a heavy duty furnace like the kind they cremate bodies in," says Ryan.

"Awesome," says Carl.

The brats help us carry the body to the art building in the high school. It has a giant fucking kiln to burn clay and shit in; it's as good a place as any to burn a fucking body. We shove the body inside and stand back. Carl and Bonnie are disappointed they can't see inside the thing to watch the body burn, but I promise they can help us scoop out the ashes and whatever doesn't burn.

"Why you'd kill him?" Bonnie asks.

"Bitch wouldn't pay up," says Iggy lighting a cigarette.

"What else can we burn?" Ryan asks suddenly glowing from glee.

"You're a fucking arsonist," I say.

"Good, we need one," says Iggy.

"He's an honorary Milkovich."

"I wouldn't brag," says Carl, "By the way, Ian is looking for you."

"Fuck, I forgot," I say. I put on my coat and zip up. "Fuck. I can't believe I forgot."

"What'd you forget?" Ryan asks.

I flip him off. No way am I telling them it's the anniversary of the first time Ian and I fucked. They wouldn't understand. I really thought Ian would have canceled our plans in light of Fiona's disappearance.

I run back to the Gallagher house at full speed. I look at my watch, I have fifteen minutes to get dressed and get to the restaurant. Fuck. I am going at full fucking speed. I catch the bus before it leaves and I arrive two minutes late. Ian is sitting at the table alone trying to fold the napkin into what appears to be an AK-47.

"You're late," says Ian without looking at me.

"By two minutes," I say taking the seat across from him.

"I didn't think you'd come," Ian says.

"I was helping Iggy with something," I say picking up my menu.

"Because that's more important?"

"No, because he asked for my help, then Carl reminded me—" _I probably shouldn't have said that._

"Oh, so Carl had to remind you. Fuck you, Mickey," Ian says getting up. I grab his hand.

"Let's just have dinner. I'm sorry. I lost track of time."

Ian considers it for a moment then sits down. He looks nice. _I'm such an ass._ He took the time to shower, and fix his hair in the way I like it to lay. He is wearing that cologne I like and he's wearing plaid. He made himself look nice and I look like shit.

"You look nice," I tell him.

"So do you," Ian says.

He's lying, but I accept it.

The waiter comes to our table and my jaw hits the floor. _Isaac._ In all the expensive restaurants in all of Chicago he has to be a waiter in mine? _Fuck my life._ I look back and forth from Ian to Isaac. Their resemblance is fucking ridiculous.

"Mickey," says Isaac.

"Fuck," I whisper. Ian's attention has been caught and he leans in. He's look at me with the smug look he used to give me all the time. "I will have the fucking steak."

"How would you like it?" He asks with a suggestive tone. _Is it hot in here?_

"Medium well. Ian, what would you like?"

"I'll have the shrimp plate," Ian says. Isaac turns to Ian. They're faces turn white when they realize how much alike they look. "Bring us wine and lots of it."

"Beer for me," I say.

When Isaac walks away Ian folds his arms across his chest. _I fucked up. Oh shit. Fuck. Damn._

"Where you'd meet our waiter?" Ian asks.

"We met at a club in Indiana."

"You fucked him?"

I don't respond. Ian throws his napkin gun down on the table and gets up. I excuse myself and let the waiters know I'm coming back. I chase after Ian before he reaches the door.

"Did you enjoy it?" Ian asks.

"Hold the fuck on. You fucked guys when you were gone. I'm not mad about those."

"You would be if I told you one of them was Ned," Ian says.

_I'm kicking his ass again._

"I don't care right now," I lie. He sees through that. "Okay, I do, but Isaac never meant anything to me. I only fucked him because he looks like you."

_I can't get this right._ Suddenly I hear music, classical music. Ian looks at me. _No. No fucking way._ He takes my hand and leads me back toward our table. A few couples are dancing like it's the 19 fucking 40s. Ian nods towards the dance floor.

"What about our food?" I ask.

"They have to cook it."

Ian takes my hand awkwardly. He has huge fucking hands. I follow his lead. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but he's smiling so I keep doing it. I will fucking guess if I have to. I look at the men in the other pairs dancing and try to copy them, but Ian wants his eyes on me.

"I'm sorry," He whispers, "I don't want to ruin our anniversary."

"I'm sorry too."

Ian likes this romantic bull shit. I should have brought flowers for him. Fuck. I'm so fucking bad at this. I should ask Debbie for help. She knows her brother.

I clear my throat, "I like the way you look in this light. Your hair looks like fire." I try to be poetic. Ian grins in a way that makes my knees buckle. I can feel a blush coming and I force it back. I do not blush.

When the music ends Ian and I return to our seats. I don't immediately sit down. I ask Ian to sit while I chase after a waiter. I track down Isaac. "I need a flower or something."

"What?"

"I need a fucking flower to give Ian. Do you have anything? I want it brought to the table. Maybe a box of _Reese's Pieces._ "

"Are you serious?" Isaac asks.

"Can you help me or not?"

"I can try."

"Bring them to my table. For Ian Gallagher."

I return to my seat. A couple and their child walk by our table and scoff. They begin to make comments, "Ew, queers. They shouldn't be allowed a place like this. I'm calling the manager."

"Hey, lady, your husband gets hand jobs from Russian whores," I holler recognizing that asshole from the Rub 'N' Tug. When he doesn't own up to it she storms out of the restaurant.

"Did you have to do that?"

"Yes," I say. Ian is smiling. I like it when he's smiling.

"Are you Ian Gallagher?" Isaac asks returning to our table with a bouquet of fucking roses.

"I am," says Ian.

"These are from your handsome young date," Isaac says winking at me. He puts a giant box of _Reese's Pieces_ down too. I nod thanks. Isaac winks and leaves.

"You are definitely sleeping in my bed tonight," Ian says.

"No," I say.

I begin by telling Ian about my day. I tell him about the body we burned, and about Carl, and how Iggy and Ryan were teasing me about him being my husband. Ian laughs loudly at the last one. After dinner Ian and I leave. His mood seems have changed. He's sulking.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask.

"I just thought maybe since it was our anniversary you would say it."

"Say what?"

"That you love me." _I didn't see that coming. I fucking should have. If I had, I could have prepared a counterattack._ "It's okay. I am not mad."

And his mood shifts again when he sees a cat on the sidewalk. He kneels down to pet it. I am mentally kicking myself for not preparing for that particular part of dating. Going on real dates with Ian is not something I'm comfortable with. I'm not comfortable letting this many people think I'm gay. I'm not comfortable being out in public yet. But I do this shit to keep Ian happy. If he's happy he'll stay.

"Aw, you're so cute," Ian is talking to the cat. The cat seems to be in love with him already. _Don't get attached, Cat. He's mine._

"Aren't you cold?" I finally notice he's not wearing a jacket. How the fuck is he not freezing?

"I'm fine," Ian says. I take mine off and hand it to him. He stands up and looks at me. I avoid looking at him. "Won't you be cold?"

"Nah, I was warm all day," I say.

Ian hands me his bouquet of flowers to hold while he puts on my jacket. It's a little small on him but he doesn't complain. I hand the flowers back. We walk back to the Gallagher house side by side. I rub against Ian once or twice on the walk. He beams brightly at me.

The house is quiet when we come in. Ian goes to the kitchen to put the flowers in water. I follow him. He is talking a mile a minute about something he wants to do. I think it's become an interpretive dancer or some shit, I'm not sure.

I look around to make sure we're fully alone and I approach him from behind. I put my arms around his waist and press my head into his back. He feels wonderful.

"Let's go to bed," I whisper into his back.

"Let's do something first," Ian says.

"Like what?"

"Take a sexy shower," Ian says.

I raise an eye brow, then we race each other upstairs.

 


	57. Mood Swings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian hits Carl and loses the trust of his family.

"I am fucking sick and tired of all your shit on my side of the room," I yell at Carl. I throw and kick his clothes and weapons at him. "Keep your porn on your side. I want to look at all the tits."

"I don't want to look at dicks all the time but you don't hear me bitching about it."

"Pick it up!" I shout, throwing the dirty magazine at him. He dodges it.

"What the fuck is going on?" Lip asks.

"Ian has gone crazy," Carl says. I punch Carl, hard, twice and he trips over Liam, who is playing on the floor, and hits his head on the wall.

"Ian, what the fuck?" Lip asks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him," I say suddenly feeling my own heart pounding in my chest. I try to help Carl up.

"I don't know what you're fucking on but this stops now," Lip says.

"What the fuck is going on?" Mickey asks. He is wearing his jacket and panting like he's trying to catch his breath. He looks at me. "Ian?"

"I didn't mean it," I say. "Carl, I'm sorry."

"He's bleeding. Good job, Ian," says Lip. I try to approach my little brother but Lip holds his hand out to stop me. "Carl, go downstairs and have Debbie clean you up. Take Liam."

"I'm sorry, Lip," I say. I am shaking and I don't know why.

"What'd I miss?" Mickey asks trying to get our attention.

Lip turns on me the moment Carl and Liam have gone. He shoves me and I stumble into my bed. I could fight back. I can take Lip. But I let him shove me around until Mickey pulls him off me.

"I don't know what kind of fucking drugs you're on but if you ever hit Carl again I'm going to kick your ass out."

"He didn't mean it," says Mickey.

"I didn't ask for your fucking opinion, Mickey. You don't live here and this is none of your business. Just because my brother puts his dick in your ass doesn't make you a part of this."

"Say that again and I'll kick your ass."

I wedge between them and out the door. I punch the wall in the hallway and punt one of Liam's toys down the stairs. I hear heavy footsteps behind me, but I don't stop. I walk out the back door and slam it behind me.

I get a few blocks before Mickey catches up to me. He is out of breath and holding out my jacket and shoes, which I just realized I forgot. He has my hat and gloves in his hand.

"It's cold, please take them," Mickey says.

"I didn't mean to hit him," I tell Mickey.

"Are you on drugs?"

"No. Why does everyone ask me that?"

"You really scared me back there," Mickey says.

"Why does everyone hate me?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? No one hates you, Ian."

"Fiona and Lip never came after me when I was gone. The way Lip looked at me back there; he's never looked at me like that. He hates me, I know he does."

"Ian," Mickey says, "No one hates you. If they do, fuck them."

Mickey pulls me into a hug. We don't hug much. In fact, we don't really hug at all, but we are now. I hug Mickey and breathe in his scent. I tilt his face toward mine and he wipes a tear off my cheek. I kiss him lightly for coming after me.

"I'm going to apologize to Carl," I say.

Mickey nods. I walk to my house. Carl is sitting at the dining room table with Debbie. She is trying to help him out. Lip pats me on the back and pulls me into a hug. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"You don't hate me?"

"What? Of course not," Lip says, "What the fuck did you tell him, Mickey?"

"Nothing. That's all on him," Mickey says.

"Carl, I'm sorry," I tell my little brother. I kiss top of his head. He wipes it off.

"Yeah, just don't kiss me."

"Why did you punch Carl?" Debbie asks.

"I don't know," I have no answer. It's not something I thought about doing. It just happened. I was mad and I hit him.

"When Fiona comes back, we won't tell her," says Debbie.

"Yeah, man, we can keep this one thing from her," says Lip.

"You're a making a big deal out of nothing," I say.

"Ian, you broke Carl's nose," Lip says.

"I didn't do it on purpose, Lip."

"I know you didn't, Ian. That's not the point. Anyways, I have a class to get to. Debbie, can you drop Liam off at Sheila's?"

"I can watch him," I say.

"Its okay, Ian," says Debbie.

"Mickey and I can watch him," I insist.

"Yeah, like leaving him with a Milkovich is a good idea," says Lip.

Mickey flips Lip off.

"He has a kid."

"The other day Mickey helped Iggy incinerate a fucking body and you're telling me he's capable of baby-sitting our little brother?"

"You told him," Mickey asks Carl.

"It was too awesome not to tell," Carl says.

I watch Debbie dress Liam to go. I insist on helping watch him. He's my brother too. Mickey keeps trying to make plans for the day of stuff we could do without Liam with us, but I have ideas of stuff we can do with Liam.

"You're not watching him," Lip says.

"Why not?"

"Because you're on something and I don't trust your judgment," Lip says. "Fiona was on coke when Liam ended up in the hospital. I'm not risking that again."

And then Debbie takes him and leaves. Lip and Carl leave too. It's just me and Mickey in the kitchen. I kick the trash can in frustration.

"I'm not on drugs. I haven't done any since that night you found me at the Fairy Tail."

"We're alone," Mickey says.

"So what?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you?"

I chase Mickey upstairs. Since we're alone I don't bother shutting the door. It takes me less time to get Mickey out of his clothes than it does for him to get me out of mine. The sex is great. Mickey begs me to do it face to face. I kiss and bite every part of him that I can see.

"You're so beautiful," I tell Mickey as I appreciate him. He bites my shoulder as I thrust in and out. It gets harder and faster. Mickey seems to like what I'm doing from all the noises he's making. I delay his gratification as much as I can by pulling out of him before he comes and making him hold it. Finally I go down on him and he shoots off in my mouth.

"Fuck," Mickey says.

I kiss his cheek and lay on top him. He shifts me until I am in a position to cuddle. Mickey stares into my eyes. "We couldn't have done this with Liam here," He says as he lights up. He kisses me on the lips for a moment then goes back to his cigarette.

"I wanted to take him to Chuck 'E' Cheese and then to the park. I know its winter, but we could have a good time," I say.

"Wait for spring when it's warmer, Ian. It'll be better."

"For you maybe," I say.

"What do you say, Tough Guy, want a go a second round?" Mickey asks tickling me.

Mickey and I do it four times before we hear movement in the house. We quickly dress, but can't keep our hands off each other. We play fight as we dress. Sammi, Frank's long-lost daughter comes in.

"It's Ian, right?" Sammi asks. Mickey is hiding his face from her. He doesn't want her to see him. I roll my eyes. "How did you get in here?"

"Door was unlocked. Dad is dying," Sammi says, "I wanted to tell everyone. He's probably not going to make it. I have to go to the hospital. Sheila asked me to bring Liam back."

Liam smiles at me. I kneel down to hug him. I get to watch him after all. Mickey and I dress warmly to go out with Liam. It's super cold. We take Liam on the bus. He sits between us. Mickey and I hold hands behind him. Several women gawk. He doesn't seem to notice the attention.

"Mick," Liam says.

Mickey raises an eye brow and looks down. Liam is looking at Mickey and smiling widely.

"Why did he say my name?" Mickey asks.

"I don't know. But he seems to like you. Liam, if Mickey and I get married someday will you be my best man?"

"Yes," says Liam.

We get off at a place for kids to play. Liam doesn't immediately socialize with the other children. He clings to my leg the whole time. Mickey stands around with his arms folded looking grumpy and every bit the overprotective father.

"Your son is so cute. What agency did you use to adopt?" asks a man with blond hair and glasses. "I'm here for my sister's son's birthday party. I don't have any of my own."

"He's my brother," I tell them.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to assume. I thought you were a couple. I'm Chad. Do you want to grab a drink somewhere?"

"What? No, I'm here with—"

"You need to fucking leave," Mickey says taking the guy by the collar. "Get the fuck out of here."

"You said he was your brother," says Chad.

"No, he's my brother," I say picking up Liam.

Mickey forces Chad to put at least fifteen feet between us. Chad gets the idea and leaves, but he doesn't stop staring at me all day while Liam plays and we have extra helpings of pizza. I glance over at Liam every so often to make sure he hasn't wandered off.

"I'm about to gouge that asshole's eyes out," Mickey says.

"Let it go, Mick."

"Too many men look at you," Mickey says.

"Well, well," says a familiar voice. It's Linda. She's holding a baby on her hip. Her boys are running around within the play area. I spot Liam playing by himself. I frown. "Is this a date?"

"No. I just wanted to bring my little brother," I say.

"You're still not admitting you're in a relationship. I can play along, even though it's literally fooling no one. Ian, you look great. I almost didn't recognize you. I saw his scowl and knew it was Mickey but you look so different."

"Where's Liam?" I ask suddenly looking over and not seeing him. Fear and panic take hold and everything becomes really blurry. I rub my eyes as I stand up. I stumble over the table. Mickey stabilizes me. "Where the fuck is my brother?"

"We'll find him, Ian. Calm down," Mickey says calmly. He has his hand on my arm.

I run into the play zone against the protests of the employees. Mickey chases after me. I start looking around for my little brother. Mickey disappears for a moment when I turn around. I search for my brother frantically. A woman is pulling on my arm to get my attention. Mickey finally reappears holding Liam.

"You gave me a mini heart attack," I tell Liam as I kiss the side of his face. "Where was he?"

"In the ball pit with some bigger kids," Mickey says.

"You have to leave," says an employee.

"Fuck off," Mickey tells her as he tries to comfort me.

"Take your son and go," says the woman.

"What part of fuck off didn't you understand?" Mickey asks.

"I'll call the police," the woman says.

"I've never hit a woman but I'm not above it."

"The police are on their way, we need you to step over here," says a woman wearing a tag that says, 'manager' Mickey and I follow her. I am carrying Liam. Inside the Manager's office Mickey leans against the wall with his arms crossed looking grumpy, and I sit in a chair in front of her desk with Liam on my lap.

"What's the problem?" asks a familiar voice. I look up at the face of Officer Tony Markovich. I smile. Really? That's the cop they send. It's always Tony.

"The fuck is Blond Ambition doing here?" Mickey asks.

"This young man was scaring the children in our play zone. Some of the mothers were complaining. They said he had a crazed look on his face."

"Ian?" Tony says as his face contorts into affection. Officer Tony had a soft spot for us Gallaghers and everyone knows it. He puts his hands on my shoulders which earns him a scowl from Mickey.

"They refused to leave," the manager says.

"I didn't do anything wrong. I was looking for Liam."

"Ma'am, I don't think Ian was trying to scare the kids. He was looking for his brother."

Tony gets us out of the mess. Mickey walks behind more like he's my body guard than my boyfriend. Tony doesn't pay attention to him and the feeling is mutual from Mickey. Tony gives us a ride back to my house. I hold Liam on my lap even though Tony cringes over the breaking the law, but he doesn't have a toddler seat.

"I have been running into you a lot lately," says Tony.

"It would seem so. I'm glad they sent you instead of someone who doesn't know us," I tell him. Mickey is looking out the window with his arms still folded across his chest. He is bouncing his knee. He obviously wants a cigarette. It must be driving him wild.

Tony drops us off at my house. He opens the back doors for us so we can get out of his squad car. I thank him and he pats me on the back which earns him another scowl from Mickey. When Tony leaves I round on Mickey.

"You know, you could act like you like me. You stood there like my bodyguard not my lover."

Mickey doesn't respond. He follows me into the house. Lip and Debbie approach us and take Liam from me. "Where the fuck have you been? Debbie went to pick up Liam from Sheila's and she said Sammi dropped him off with you. I've been worried sick."

"We went out for pizza. It's fine."

"No it's not fine. I told you that you don't get to watch him by yourself."

"But he's my brother too. I've always helped with Liam."

"Not any more. I don't know what drugs you're on, Ian, but until you're off them, no Liam."

"That's not fair. I'm not on drugs."

Lip turns his back to me and takes Liam. He ignores me. I hate it. We used to be so close. Now he doesn't trust me with my own family. I run upstairs away from Lip. I head for the bathroom immediately. I shut the door and punch the wall.

"Ian," says Mickey from the other side of the door. I slide down the door and sit on the floor with my back against it. I can hear Mickey do the same on the other side. He's talking to someone on the other side, but all I hear is "Fuck off."

"I'm not on drugs."

"Ian, fuck, I know. Lip's a fucking asshole. Everyone knows that."

I stand up and let Mickey in. He meets my lips in a kiss. Afterwards I see Lip over Mickey's head he's watching us and shaking his head. I meet Mickey in another kiss.


	58. Superman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey is really, really horny.

Ian Gallagher is Superman. The boy never stops. Every day he is up before the ass crack of dawn and he keeps fucking going. It's exhausting trying to keep up with him. I never noticed he had this much energy before. And don't get me started on the fucking mood swings.

Ian's making pancakes. He's wearing clothes that actually fit his wonderful form. I take a moment to admire how great his ass looks in his jeans. Ian used to wear hand-me-downs and would wear the same clothes for years even when they were too small because Fiona could just not afford to get him new clothes. Now with him dancing at the club he makes enough to buy clothes that actually fit him.

I touch his arm as he makes the pancakes. He smiles at me. He's dancing while he cooks and listening to music on his iPod. I watch him shake his ass. He looks better this way than when he's barely wearing anything and being ogled by creeps at that fucking club.

He has his hair gelled to one side. I feel a flutter in my chest. He smiles at me and my entire body reacts. I can't control myself. My heart wants to leap out of my chest and give him a squeeze and my dick is practically ready to crawl up his fucking leg.

 _He is so cute._ I can't breathe. I sit down at the Gallagher's table and try to catch my breath. Ian is smiling at me. I smile back like a schoolboy with a hopeless crush. But that's not what this is. This is more. I'm kicking myself right now.

"Mickey," Ian says, and I am fucking spastic. Ian puts coffee in front of me, kisses the top of my head, and wiggles his ass and he returns to cooking. He's now cooking bacon. I watch him. He winks at me once or twice and never stops moving.

 _I think I lo—fuck. Fuck. Oh fuck. Oh my fucking God._ I hide my face with my U-Up hand and try to conceal my blushing from Ian. Ian drops his spatula. He bends over to pick up and my eyes glue on his ass. It's as if my dick has detached itself from my crotch and is humping Ian's leg, like a fucking dog.

 _Get a fucking grip. Why the fuck am I acting like this? It's Ian. It's just Ian._ It is Ian. It's always been Ian. The fucking asshole occupies my thoughts, my dreams, and as much as it kills me to admit, my heart, which is constricting from him being fucking adorable this morning.

"Breakfast smells good," says Mandy coming downstairs. I forgot Mandy was even here. She spent the night because Kenyatta beat the shit out of her. I nearly killed the motherfucker. No one touches Mandy. No one.

"It's almost ready," Ian says with a smile. _Fuck you, and your perfect fucking smile._ I am trying to hold it together, but it's fucking difficult.

"Thanks for letting me stay over," says Mandy.

"If he ever touches you again I'll fucking kill him," I tell Mandy temporarily taking my eyes off the fucking god of sex.

"Thanks, but I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, but you don't have to," I tell her.

"You're still here," Carl says to me. Ian hands him a plate and Carl sits down without saying fucking thank you. Ian cooked for him and he can't even thank him.

"Say thank you," I tell the kid.

"What?"

"Thank your brother for cooking you ungrateful little cock—"

"Mickey," says Ian, "He doesn't have to say it."

"Thanks," Carl says, "Have we found Fiona yet?"

"No. I keep checking hospitals but I haven't found her," Debbie says, "Frank's in the hospital."

No reaction. I knew there wouldn't be. No one really gives a shit about Frank. Lip comes in with Liam and I watch for Ian to react. He has been on a rocky road with Lip lately. They haven't exactly seen eye to eye on this stuff lately.

But Ian doesn't waiver. His good mood continues. _He looks so fucking good today._ I bite my knuckle to keep from yelling out how badly I want him, how badly I need him. Ian smiles at his family and I cross my legs. That smile is doing things to me that I don't like.

When the Gallaghers scatter like cockroaches I leave Ian and go to the Alibi for work. I pine for him the moment I step out that door. I want to run back in and be with him, curl up on the couch and watch fucking James Franco movies with him until I throw up.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I ask myself as I walk to the Alibi. I make a couple of stops and smoke a few cigarettes while debating myself on if I should and turn around and go back to the Gallagher house. It takes me over an hour to decide. When I get to the Gallagher house Ian is not there. My heart is pounding out my chest. I walk outside and spot someone running toward the house. Ian. He runs over. He's not even out of breath.

"I ran six miles," Ian tells me, "But I think I could run six more. Want to change and run with me?"

"I don't fucking run unless being chased by cops."

"I think Tony's home want me to ask him to chase you?" Ian asks with a cheesy smile on his face.

"No. I'm good."

"What'd you come back for? I thought you had to work?"

"I wanted to see if you needed anything?"

"Like what?"

"Money or whatever," I say trying not to give in to my urge to stick my hand down his fucking pants. He smells like sweat and his usual cologne. I let the scent fill me up and I get weak in the knees. _Fuck. Oh fuck. Holy shit._

"No, thanks, I have money. I have to work out before I go to work tonight. Come see me there," Ian says. He pecks me on the lips and goes into his house. I stare at his ass.

I blow off work and go see Iggy and Ryan. I learn they're both at the fucking Alibi having a drink. That's the last place I wanted to be today, but I go anyway. Ryan comes down from the Rub 'N' Tug looking really happy. I roll my eyes.

"Where have you been?" Svetlana asks.

"None of your fucking business. You don't own me."

"Hey, Mick," says Ryan.

"Leave," says Svetlana.

"Okay," says Ryan.

"I need $500," Svetlana says.

"What the fuck for?"

"For baby. He requires diapers and has other needs. You give me money or I will tell your father about your dirty little secret."

"I don't have $500 dollars, bitch."

"Get it. Tomorrow, or I will stab Orange Boy with a screwdriver."

"HE HAS A FUCKING NAME!" I shout before I realize other people can hear me. Kev is nodding knowingly. I hate that look he's giving me. "Fine, I'll get your fucking money, just shut the fuck up."

"What are you going to do?" Ryan asks when I join him at a table instead of the bar. Kev puts my usual in front of me. He nods and walks away after I glare at him.

"I don't fucking know. Where am I going to get $500? Yo, Kev, how much money did I make?"

"About three hundred," says Kev.

That's my entire share from the Rub 'N' Tug. Bitch must be holding out on me. Thirty fucking percent and he charges rent. If I didn't have my bitch of a wife threatening me I would probably threaten Kev.

"We could rob a bank," Iggy suggests, "Three square meals a day in prison and in your case, Mick, all the sex you could want."

"Shut the fuck up. You two are fucking useless."

"Ian's pretty hot, maybe you could pimp him out," Ryan suggests.

"Say that again and I'll slit your fucking throat. I'm not renting out my bo—Ian."

"You almost said boyfriend," Ryan says with a huge fucking smile.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, Mickey, you did," says Iggy.

"I've been dreaming of this day for two years," Ryan says patting me on the back. "I'm so proud I could cry."

I roll my eyes and get up. I flip both them off and leave. _I owe that bitch money. Where and How am I going to get it?_

Ian and I go to lunch at Wendy's like we do now. The employees there don't pay any attention to us outside of already knowing our order when we walk through the door. Ian and I sit at our usual booth. I give him the box of _Reese's Pieces_ like I always do.

"So I've been thinking of getting a cat," Ian mentions.

"No."

"That's what Lip and Fiona keep telling me. No one is listening to me though."

"I'm listening."

"Well, they're cute, and they're excellent companions, and they're really intelligent. It's an animal that doesn't require that much attention. They're not needy like dogs."

"No. I'm sorry, Ian, but think of what Carl would do to it."

"You're right. Of course you're right."

He looks so happy. I smile at stare. I catch myself rubbing some of his red hair between my fingers. Ian looks over at me and smiles so wide I nearly lose control.

After lunch, I am reluctant to leave his side. We don't kiss outside of Wendy's. We don't kiss in Wendy's. Ian knows the routine. I kick myself for sending him on his way without kissing him. I go back to work hardcore at the Alibi to take my mind off Ian and Svetlana.

It doesn't work for both. Ian's face pops into my head and I am momentarily stunned. I can't move or think or breathe. I sit down to catch my breath. Ryan rubs my shoulders and I look at him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I feel great." Really great. Really fucking great. Ian is on my mind, my heart screaming his fucking name. I feel great. I'm embarrassed to feel this way, but I do. _Holy fucking shit._

I leave work about 8. I go to Ian's work. He's just arriving for his shift. I stop him outside the place and ask if he has any money. Ian shakes his head.

"You boys want a ride around the block?" Asks some old creep in a really fucking nice car.

"Do we look like a couple of fags for sale to you?" I ask.

"Yes," He says.

"This ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window shopping."

"You're standing outside a bar called the Fairy Tail in Boys' Town."

I throw a glass beer bottle at him to make him leave. That was fucking embarrassing. Ian seems unfazed by it.

"Does that happen to you a lot?"

"Everyday."

"By rich old dudes."

_Ryan, you might be on to something._

Ian and I come up with a plan. There is no way in hell I'd ever let Ian go through with what we're about to do, but I can use his good looks to an extent. I am hiding in a closet in one of the rooms upstairs. Ian's in the bar. He is going to hit on a closeted geriatric, apparently there are a lot of them, and bring him up where we'll rob him and take photos for his wife if he decides to call the police.

I hear voices and movement.

"Do you like it rough?" He asks Ian.

_Better not get rough with him, bitch._

"Whatever you're into," Ian says innocently. My dick twitches at the sound of innocence in his sweet voice.

I open the door when I hear mattress springs.

"Say cheese, motherfucker," I deck the bastard after Ian crawls out from under him.

_What is it with these assholes and seventeen-year-old boys?_

"I'm calling the police," the man says.

"You do that I'm telling Claire and Eleanor that you like to stick it in boys," I say holding his phone and staring at the picture of his family.

"You're going to out him?" Ian asks.

"It's his fault for living a lie."

I take the man's watch. It's at least a $200 watch. I stick it in my back pocket.

"Now, let's go down to the ATM machine and get some fucking money," I tell the bastard.

"If you're going to rob me at least let the twink suck me off."

"That all you think he is some twink?"

"He gave me blue balls."

I knee him in the nuts. "Now they're black and blue balls."

Ian and I go downstairs with the man to get his money. He hands it over as I dangle both his phone and the photo I took in front of his face. He hands me a thousand dollars and when I pocket it I see him put his hand on Ian's stomach.

"Do you want to lose that fucking hand?"

"He's fair game," says the old man.

"Ian," I say, pulling him behind me. He doesn't argue. I deck the guy. When he's doubled over I kick him in the face. "Fuck off."

"It'd be a shame to let that room go to waste," Ian whispers in my ear.

"Let me finish kicking this creep's ass and I'll join you."

"Enough, okay. I got the message," says Old Guy.

"Get the fuck out of my sight, and don't so much as look at him or I will burn your eyes with a hot spoon."

Ian and I barely make it back to the room before we get each other out of our clothes. We've never done it in a bed this soft. We might as well take advantage of the room. I pull Ian between my legs and cling to him like I'm a baby monkey holding on to my mother.

"You're really incredible," Ian tells me during the foreplay.

"Shut up and fuck me," I tell him.

And Ian does. He fucks me harder than he ever has. He makes the bed hit the wall repeatedly and I bite him to keep from screaming. I draw blood from biting him so hard. When Ian comes I let out the loudest moan. He lies on top of me and I get hard almost instantly from it.

"You're insatiable today," Ian says.

_It's you. You do this to me._

"You can't tell me you're out of energy."

"Fuck no," says Ian, and after a quick reheat Ian goes again. One thing about Ian Gallagher being Superman, we have great fucking sex.


	59. Kenyatta Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian helps Ryan with his crush; Ian and Mickey fight.

Kenyatta has been hitting Mandy. Mandy is my best friend, I will not stand to see anyone hurt her. I have been walking by the Milkovich house all day, debating on whether or not to go in and confront him. Mickey is at work and Mandy is asleep in my house.

"What's up, Ian?" Ryan asks stepping onto the porch with his coat on. I run up on the porch and pull him into a hug.

"Ryan, it's good to see you. You know, we should hang out more," I tell him.

"Yeah, where's Mick?"

"Oh, he's at work, but you and I can hang out right?" I ask.

"Sure," Ryan says.

"Great. Let's do it."

"Right now?"

"Do you have somewhere to be? Sorry, I'm being rude."

"No, I was just going to stalk the girl who works at the used book store," Ryan says.

"You have a crush on her?" I ask bouncing on the balls of my feet. I can see over the top of Ryan's head. He's as short as Mickey.

"Something like that," Ryan says awkwardly. He pauses for a moment, "You can come if you want."

I take him up on it. I talk about all the things I want to do. I mention that when spring comes I am signing up for sky diving lessons, and how I want to get an actual driver's license. Ryan's a good listener. He doesn't respond much, but he listens.

"There she is," says Ryan holding out his arm to stop me. I peak inside the store and see a young woman with dark haired pulled back in a ponytail. She's a nose ring and she has pink tips in her hair. "I come here every day to see her."

"Do you ever go inside?" I ask.

"Are you crazy? I can't do that," says Ryan.

"Why not?"

"Because like Mickey, I too am a huge pussy," Ryan says.

"Mickey's not a pussy," I tell Ryan, I give him a nudge. "Come on, let's talk to her."

"No. Ian, no."

Too late, I walk through the door. The girl smiles at me for a moment. I can tell it's one of those smiles that cashier's give people because they have to and not because they want to. I look behind me to see Ryan has followed me inside. He stays close to me. I nudge him.

"Talk to her," I whisper.

"Fuck you," Ryan whispers.

"Fine," I say, turning around and walking to the register. I lean on it. "Hey," I say. She smiles at me for a second. Her name tag says her name is Penelope. "Do you have any books on cats?"

"Domestic or wild?"

"Domestic, I'm thinking of getting one," I tell her. She leads me to the section on animals. I nod for Ryan to follow us. While I browse the cat books I see Ryan follow her around. He finally works up the nerve to say hello, then runs out the door. I leave the book where I find it and follow him. "What the hell was that?"

"I might have said something inappropriate," Ryan says, refusing to look at me. I find his line of vision and follow it to get him to look right at me. "I said, 'hey, I like your boob' and then bolted."

My jaw hits the floor. I am surprised she didn't smack him.

"I don't think you should go back in there, ever," I suggest.

"Don't tell Mickey about this, he'll never stop laughing."

"You should spend more time with my brother Lip."

"What do we do now? Stalking Penelope was a bust," says Ryan.

"Whose fault is that?"

"Yours," Ryan says with a smile.

"We could go to the Alibi and see Mickey," I say.

"Lead the way," Ryan says.

Mickey is yelling at his whores when we walk in. Mickey looks less than thrilled to see me. He pushes past _her_ to walk up to us. He looks at and directs his attention to Ryan.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" He asks about me when I'm standing right beside him. Kev and Tommy are at the bar looking at us.

"So what? Here in front of all our friends and neighbors I don't matter to you? I don't mean anything? I'm fucking nothing."

I get silence from Mickey. He won't even look at me. _She_ is smiling like _she_ won. I shove Mickey and turn around and leave. "Fuck you."

I hear someone behind me in the snow; I expect it to be Mickey coming after me, but its Ryan. He stops to catch his breath. He doubles over heaving. I wait.

"Mickey doesn't want people to know, Ian."

"So I'm a fucking secret?"

"Well no, I wouldn't call this a secret; it's pretty obvious that something is going on between you and that you're more than friends."

"But?"

"But, Mickey needs to maintain that he is straight."

I've heard enough. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be just Mickey's little secret. I don't want to be his mistress. I don't want it. If we can't be together openly then we shouldn't be together. Maybe he doesn't even think we're together.

We're not a couple. I fabricated the whole relationship again. I always do that. I always make it out to be more than it is. I don't know why I do that. I leave Ryan standing there. I should let Mickey off the hook. He doesn't need me, and he obviously doesn't want me. I'm a burden. I am getting in the way of his "straight" life.

"Where are you going?"

I don't answer. I just walk. I pull my jacket tighter around me and zip it. It's cold today. I'd say it about 12 degrees but it feels like 7. I walk home barely able to feel my lips. I slam the door shut. Debbie tells me they found Fiona. She's in Wisconsin. Lip has gone to get her.

I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. If Mickey doesn't want me I should let him go. What's the point in staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me? But lying in my bed doesn't help. I need to move. I need to do something.

I go downstairs and start cleaning. I tidy up after Carl's friends, I grab a rag and begin dusting all the furniture and shelves. By the time I am vacuuming Mickey has returned. He's angry about something.

"I want to talk to you," Mickey says to me. I turn the vacuum back on and use it on the couch. I ignore Mickey. He unplugs it from the wall. "You can't just barge into the Alibi and expect me to treat you like a…like a…"

"Like a what?" I wait.

"I'm married. I need to maintain that."

"Then what the fuck am I to you, Mickey?"

"Don't start this right now, Jesus fucking Christ."

"Get the fuck out of my house," I tell him.

"Whoa, hold on. Look, I can see I upset you. But you're going to have to meet me half way on this. I need you on my side."

"You need me?"

"If that's what you took from that, sure."

I think it over. Meeting Mickey half-way is what I've always done in our relationship. I'm getting really fucking sick of it. I hate not being able to be with him in front of people we know outside my family. I hate having to pretend we're just friends.

No. I can't meet him half-way anymore. I need more. I need to be openly with Mickey or nothing. It's all or nothing. I'm tired of living a lie. I'm tired of taking a backseat to his wife's spoiled demands and smugness.

"Do you want me or not?" I ask.

"Why are you doing this today? I'm not in the mood. Kev pointed a gun at me. "

"What?" I ask momentarily distracted.

"Yeah, so now I'm going to have to kill him."

"Yeah right. What you're going to go over to his house and kill him?"

"No, I'm going to my house, I'm going to get my brothers and some guns then I'm going to kill him."

"Kev is a friend."

"When someone points a gun at me they're not my friend. I'm kind of funny like that."

"Oh, Mickey, come the fuck on," I say walking into the kitchen.

"Okay, Tough guy," says Mickey. He walks out the door. I follow him to beg him not to hurt Kev. Kev means a lot to me. Mickey is determined.

I follow him all the way to his house. We stop in the living room when we see Mandy cooking spaghetti for Kenyatta. I block everything else out. It's as if I can't get the image of Kenyatta hitting her out of my head. I just see it on a reel playing over and over.

He's sitting at their kitchen table looking smug and satisfied when Mandy lies through her teeth; she claims he didn't hit her that she just fell.

"Okay, clumsy feet, enjoy your fucking spaghetti," Mickey says walking past her to his bedroom. I stay in the living room.

I walk past Kenyatta into the kitchen and touch Mandy's arm. I try to get her to leave with me. I want to take her somewhere safe, but she just won't come with me. She slaps me. I fight with her. Kenyatta intervenes.

My blood boils. I want him dead. I want to fucking kill him. He deserves to die for killing Mandy. But I don't remember grabbing the knife I'm holding to his neck. _I could do it; I could jam it in his neck._ My hand won't move. I feel myself shaking from head to toe and out of the corner of my eye I spot Mickey.

"Ian," says Mickey, "it's alright. We're cool."

He takes the knife from my hand. Kenyatta pushes me away. I run out the door. Mickey follows me. I grab hold of the fence outside their house and cling to it as I try to catch my breath. It's so cold out here and I feel choked.

"Are you smoking meth or something? One minute you're like fucking Superman running around taking pictures of the sunset and making pancakes then you're holding a knife to someone's throat. Are you okay?"

_I'm scared. I am not on drugs._ My phone vibrates. I have a text from Carl. Frank is getting married and he's dying. _What? How does that work?_ Carl wants me to come. I look at Mickey finally.

"Frank," I tell him.

"Fuck Frank," Mickey says.

"He's dying and getting married. I'm going to the hospital," I tell him.

"I'll go with you," Mickey says automatically.

"You don't have to," I tell him.

"Ian, he's your father, and I'm your—I'm going."

Mickey and I take a bus to the hospital Frank is at. They let me right in because I'm family, even though I'm actually not Frank's son. Debbie and Carl are standing beside Frank's bed. My new pseudo-sister Sammi is here too. Mickey is leaning against the door.

"Can Frank get married? I thought he was still married to Monica," I whisper to Debbie.

"I don't know," Debbie says, "Sh."

The nurse asks us to say some last words to Frank, not that I care or anything, but I guess if he's dying hearing something nice would be a good to enter the afterlife. I make up something to say that's not really all that personal. I mean, if Lip were here he'd say, "Save me a room in Hell," or something witty, but I can't bring myself to do that. I mean, he was shitty parent, but I can't be intentionally mean to him.

Sheila comes in wearing the ugliest dress I've ever seen. I think of what it would it be like to have my own wedding some day. It's not legal for me and Mickey to marry in Illinois, but hopefully it will be someday soon.

After the "I do's" a bunch of doctors and nurses take Frank away into surgery. He's been moved up on the transplant list. I join Mickey who is now standing amongst a crowd of onlookers.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Why do you care?" I ask.

"Fuck," Mickey whispers, he takes my arm and pulls me along behind him. We stop in an empty hallway. Mickey looks into my eyes. "I'm sorry for treating that way this morning in the Alibi, alright. Alright?"

"No," I say, "It hurt."

"Come here, Ian," Mickey says, opening his arms to me. He embraces me and holds me and runs his fingers through my hair. I cling to him as if he'll be taken away if I let go. Mickey kisses me on the cheek.

"Why can't we have this all the time?"

"We can," Mickey says.

"Just not in public?"

Before he can answer my question a shuffling of feet makes him release me. He puts several feet between us and starts swearing. Several doctors walk by but none of them pay attention to us. I leave when Mickey isn't looking.

Mickey chases after me. It seems like one of us is always chasing the other. Mickey stops me several times to ask me about what happened at his house with Kenyatta, but I have no answer. I don't know what happened. I don't know how the knife got in my hand.

 


	60. Course We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yev's christening and after party.

Last night, I slept in Ian's bed with him. We spooned. I was the little spoon, only because he was bigger, not because I liked feeling his crotch against my ass. He's so warm. I spent half the night just listening to him breathing. Once or twice he'd squeeze me and then nuzzle his head into my neck.

I like when his nose touches my skin. I like the sounds of his breathing. I like having him next to me in the tiny bed. I hate that I like it. I hate that it makes me happy.

I will a slight shift in the mattress and the weight of a body climbing over me. I open my eyes to Ian's blurry figure walking into the hallway. I drift off again. When I awaken I hear Ian's voice.

"We hang out," Ian says.

"He's in your bed."

"Yeah, his family's a nightmare."

"I think I got a girlfriend. Her family's a nightmare too."

"Who's isn't?"

"You love Mickey?"

Okay, I've heard about enough of this conversation.

"I like how he smells."

I sniff myself. I shrug. I make my way to the bathroom.

"What're you asking stupid fucking questions for?" Ian and Carl continue talking as Ian's voice gets closer to the bathroom. "I have to go over to the church for the christening today."

"Thought you didn't care."

"I don't."

"Why are you going then?" _Jesus, you ask a lot of fucking questions._

"He's my son, man." _Ian looks cute this morning._ I make sure to wash my hands. Ian is leaning against the door frame flexing his muscles. _Fuck you and your biceps._

"Alright, I'll get dressed," Ian says leaving the bathroom and pulling his shirt over his head. _What? He wants to come. Fuck._

"No. No. It's fine, I'll head over by myself, I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Ian pushes me against a wall. _This is kind of sexy._ "What you don't want me to go?" _Damn, his fucking pecs._ I push him against the opposite wall.

"Probably best if you don't, Tough Guy." I stare into his eyes. There is a fire burning inside them. I keep my hands on his abdomen. _His skin feels fucking amazing._

"For you maybe," Ian says staring me down. I can't stop smiling. Now's he just busting my balls. _But fuck he looks good._

"Why are you bustin' my balls, man?"

I break out of the embrace, for lack of a better word, and start looking for my clothes. Ian puts his hands on my hips and spins me around to face him.

"Just wondering if we're a couple or not."

I throw him on the bed and climb on top of him. It reminds me of the first time we were together. We had been fighting and I threw him down and sat on him. Of course I had the biggest hard on and after some eye contact we both knew what was going to happen after.

_Why is he so insecure?_

"Course we are."

We are? We are a couple?I guess we are. Fuck everyone. _We're a couple._ Ian Gallagher is mine.

"A couple that hides?"

"Hey, it's working out so far so good."

"I'm kind of sick of it."

"Jesus Christ, man." I climb off him. "Why don't I go with that stupid shit before I deal with your stupid shit." _Did we just have a couple moment? Fuck. We ARE a couple._ I stop by and talk to Ryan before going into the church. I can be a little late, who the fuck cares?

"I told Ian we're a couple today," I tell Ryan. For some reason I was bursting to tell him. The look on his face is completely worth it.

"So are you out then?" Ryan asks.

"Fuck no, man, what are you fucking high?"

"I wish. But so what if you told him you're a couple? You've been a couple for like two years."

"No we haven't. It's a big deal for me."

Ryan just stares at me for a moment before he nods. "I'm sorry, you're right. Congrats. I'm so proud of you, Mick. That's a big step. You have a boyfriend now."

"Oh fuck. I have a boyfriend." _I just admitted to Ian that we're a couple. I forgot the word boyfriend comes with that declaration. Fuck._ I kick a chunk of ice down the sidewalk.

"You have a boyfriend, a wife, and a baby, you're living the American dream," Ryan jokes. I flip him off and head to the church. Ryan tags along. If he keeps making fucking jokes about this I'm going to have to kill him.

My idiot brothers are hanging a banner above the church door. It reads, "Welcome Home, Terry." Fuck him. I don't want him coming home. _Oh fuck._ I stop Ryan in the doorway.

"Dad's coming home."

"Yeah so," Ryan says.

"Ian," I say and Ryan's face turns white.

"Fuck," Ryan says, "Play it straight tonight."

"Then what?"

"Hope he gets convicted again so you can be with Ian."

I walk away. He's fucking useless. I might have to take a drive with him and leave him somewhere.

Svetlana is standing up front with the fucking priest.

"This thing hasn't started yet?" I ask.

"No, we must wait for your father."

"He doesn't care about the ceremony. Trust me, he'll be here for the after party."

"No, he cares, he tells me."

"You talk to him?"

"Almost every day, we've become very close."

"You gonna start banging him again too?" I ask. _I'm not sure I want to know the answer. Fucking gross._

"We have to start. I have a funeral in forty-five minutes."

"Good, yes let's go," I say. I agree with him.

"No, we wait, the whole family needs to be here to witness baptism," Svetlana says.

"Or what it didn't really happen?"

Someone comes in to the church. "See its good we wait." _Ian? Fuck. What he is doing here?_ "What is he doing here?"

"How the hell should I know?"

I can't believe he showed up. What the fuck was he thinking? I look to Ryan. He shrugs. Svetlana looks pissed.

At the after party, Kev is a huge fucking suck up. The bitch makes my plate up for me. He seems scared I'm actually going to kill him. I've moved past it. I might have an intense discussion and knuckle cracking, but he'll live. For Ian's sake, he'll live.

Svetlana is in my face the moment I turn around, "Tell your boyfriend to leave."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" _Ian, obviously._

"Howdy-Doody," Svetlana says, looking over her shoulder at Ian who is cracking peanuts open on the table. "Tell him to leave or I will."

"Svetlana wants you to go," I tell Ian. He's still cracking the fucking peanuts.

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, I don't want you to go, but the whole things going to go a lot easier if you do."

"For you maybe. What about me?" _Stop bustin' my balls._

"This really where you want to spend your day off?"

"You're here." _Fuck. How can that bitch expect me to send him home?_

"Give me a couple hours and I'll meet you back at your place." I pat his back.

"If you make me leave don't come over," Ian says. _Fuck._

"Why the fuck are you acting like a girl, huh?"

"I'm sick of living a lie, aren't you?"

"I'm not lying to you."

"Everyone else."

"Who gives a shit about every body else? What fucking difference does it make if I lie to them?"

"Because you're not free."

Ian is getting really upset. Why is he so upset? _I need to fix this. Think, Mick. Fuck._ I lick my lips and lower my voice. I make sure I'm looking directly into his pretty eyes, "Ian, what you and I have makes me free. Not what these assholes know."

"Look what the state of Illinois just released back into society?" says my uncle Roy. My fucking father walks in to ruin the goddamn moment. Ian was about to say something. I walk away from Ian before my dad sees us together. He'll kill Ian, I just know it.

"You okay?" Ryan asks.

"What the fuck do you think, Fat Ass?"

"I think you need to do something about Ian," Ryan says nodding in his direction. Ian looks somewhere between entranced and hurt. I can't really tell. My heart aches. My legs want to walk toward him. I wish I was with him instead of being such a fucking pussy.

I show off Yevgeny to my father. _Stupid fucking name._

"He's a cute little fucker," Dad says holding him up. I spot Ian behind by dad. He's staring at me. _I fucking know, okay. I get it._

Dad is talking to his brothers about some faggot who tried to get on him in prison and how he handled the situation. Svetlana starts in on me about it. She's threatening to tell my dad he didn't "beat all the queer out of me" I've had enough of her threats and her bull shit.

"Keep your fucking mouth shut," I tell her after I yank the bottle she's drinking from out of her mouth.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Ian asks me.

I turn back to Svetlana, "You know, your life right here right now is as good as it's ever going to get. You gotta go get plowed all day, yeah, but you come home to a roof over your head and food in your fucking belly. Five years from now you're going to be a used up, dried up old whore sucking guys off on the side walk for five bucks a pop. I wouldn't fuck this up if I were you." I walk over to Ian. He's drinking heavily. _Fuck. Did I do this?_ "Hey."

"I just want to let you know I'm leaving."

"Okay, I'll see you back at the place." I pat his back again.

"No, don't. We're done."

_What? What, no? No. I don't want that. No. Fuck._

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

Ian's not looking at me. He's walking away from me. Stop. _Look at me. Talk to me, not at me._

"I don't have any interest in being a mistress any more."

"Jesus Christ when did you get so dramatic?"

"When I realized what a pussy you are."

_Now you've crossed a fucking line, Tough Guy._

"Say that again and I'm going to kick your fucking ass."

"Come on. Come on, Big Guy. You think you're a tough man. You're not. You're a coward. You're afraid of your father, afraid of your wife, afraid to be who you are."

"Fuck you." Ian grabs his coat and puts it on as he walks away from me. "You know what, good leave. What the hell do I care, bitch?" _Don't go._ He's leaving me. He's actually leaving me again. _Do something, Mick. For once in your fucking life do something._ "Fuck." _I can't lose him again. I won't lose him again._ I know what I have to do if I want to keep Ian. Fuck my dad. Fuck everyone. _I have to fix this._ I knock on the bar to get everyone's attention. "Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please. I just want everyone to know I'm fucking gay. Big ol 'mo. Thought everybody should know that." I look at Ian, "You happy now?" _Be with me. Fucking be with me._

I look at Ryan for a brief second. The fat fucker is sobbing like a little girl. Iggy is pretending he doesn't know him while giving me a wink. I shake my head at Ryan, but it's Ian my eyes seek out. He's staring at me in shock. _I did that for you._

No one seems to care about my speech, except for my dad who throws a table and scares the shit out of my uncles. "I'll fucking kill you."

Somewhere in the middle, Ian joins the fight. I don't expect Ryan and Iggy's help. This isn't their fight and they know it. This is between me, Ian, and my dad. WE have to fight it out. I try to make sure Ian doesn't get bloodied up too bad, but it's difficult with my father wailing on me. After a long brawl, we're pulled apart by cops. Ian isn't handcuffed. He just jumped in to defend me, and I'll be damned if I let him get taken in on my behalf.

I'm slammed down on a cop car; dad is slammed down on another. He's screaming obscenities at me. "Faggot, get out of my house."

"Fuck you. Don't worry about it. I've been staying at Ian's since you've been in the can, bitch. Guess what we've been doing, Daddy?" I hump the car, "We've been fucking, and I take it. He gives it to me good and hard and I fucking like it." The cops take my dad to a different squad car. He kicks me when he goes by. "Fuck you. I suck his dick and I fucking love it."

He's arrested for breaking his probation. _Good Riddance, asshole._ The cop who handcuffed me let's me go. He wants to get home to his husband. I want to get home to my boyfriend. Ian gives my dad the finger as the car goes by with him inside.

"Hold on a sec, Ian," says Ryan stepping between us. Ryan pulls me into a bear hug.

"Are you crying?" I ask.

"That was the most beautiful coming out speech I've ever heard. I'm like a proud papa," Ryan says wiping his eyes. "Seriously, Micks, that was astonishing. Absolutely fucking amazing."

"Mickey," says Ian.

"Can I talk to Ian now, guys?" I ask.

"Oh, yeah, sure. See you later, man."

"I think I broke half a fucking tooth."

"My ribs don't feel so good." _I'm sorry he hurt you._ Ian passes me a flask. I take a drink. It's not ignored by me that is mouth was previously on this. "So you really came out, huh?"

"Doesn't mean I'm going to wear a fucking dress or anything."

"No body fucking asked you too. Although, you do have really nice legs," Ian teases. Yeah, you've got some hot fucking parts too, Tough Guy.

"You're a fucking dick."

Ian moves close to me and kisses the top of my head. I lean against him. We're out in the open, like he wants. Like we both want. No one is looking at us. No one fucking cares. We're free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, a lot of it is from the episode, but I love that episode.


	61. Couple Discounts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Mickey's second full day as an "out" couple.

It's our second full day as an "out" couple. Mickey and I are fucking spending it openly too. He can bitch about it if he wants, but we're doing it. We've gone shopping together to find him the perfect outfit to wear on a double date with Lip and Amanda. We're at the Good Will shopping for suits. Mickey's wedding tux was too big on him and I want him to look nice. I want to make an impression.

"Why the fuck are you making me do this?" Mickey asks.

"Because this is what couples do," I tell Mickey. Yevgeny is cooing from his stroller. Svetlana is making us take care of him today. It was Mickey's only way of getting her off his back. Actually, Mandy was supposed to watch him but after Kenyatta nearly threw the baby when he wouldn't stop crying we decided he was better off with Mickey. At least Mickey won't throw him. I won't let him. _He's so cute._ I pick him up and hold him against me. He blows bubbles against my neck.

"About the couple thing, I think we should set up some fucking rules," says Mickey inside the small changing station. It only has a couple of curtains for privacy.

"Like what?" I pat Yev on the back and he burps. _Aw. I'm going to be your step-daddy some day._

"For instance: No double dating," Mickey gripes. He's been grumpy ever since I brought it up yesterday, when we were cleaning each other up. "And no fucking other men."

"Not even for work," I say. Mickey peeks his head out.

"I hope you're fucking joking," Mickey says.

"Yeah, I am. Come out and let me see how that one fits."

Mickey steps out. The pants fit but the jacket is too short. I burst out laughing. He looks like a little boy who was squeezed into a suit for his grandmother's funeral. Mickey flips me off. I carry Yev with me while I search for another jacket for Mickey.

"Aren't you a little young to have a baby?" An old woman asks me as she finds a jacket for her husband who is trying on belts nearby.

"He's not mine. He's my boyfriend's," I tell her.

"Boyfriend? Oh, you mean like a friend who's a boy?" The old woman asks. She touches my arm and begins laughing.

"No, I mean, boyfriend as in the guy I've been fucking," I tell her. Her jaw hits the floor. I expect her to scoff and walk away but she doesn't. She mouths off to me about some biblical shit I don't care about and starts going on about fire and brimstone and the fiery gates of Hell.

"Hey, lady, go take a long fucking walk off a short pier," Mickey says grabbing me by the elbow and pulling me away from the couple. But I can't just ignore her. I hand Yev to Mickey and give both of them a kiss. The woman spews off some bull shit about how she's going to tell the manager about our debauchery and how it shouldn't be allowed in public.

"You have a problem with me?" I ask, breathing into her face. I'm so close to her our noses are almost touching. "Fucking say it."

"Ian," Mickey says. "Ian, she's not worth it."

"I have a problem with you homosexuals displaying your sin all over for everyone to see. There are children in here. You should ashamed. If I were your mother I would have beat the gay out of you. You're such a good-looking boy, you could make beautiful children with a nice girl, but you chose this filth."

"Fuck you," Mickey says automatically.

 _Oh no. She did not just insult my boyfriend._ "Mickey is not filth. That shitty ass perfume you're wearing is filth. You smell like a nursing home." I hear Mickey stifle a laugh. "You're the fucking filth. You stand here and preach to me about Hell when I am in a loving, committed relationship. How the fuck can that be sinful?"

"If you don't stop this right now, I'm going to call the police," says the scared boy who works there. He looks like he's had it with us.

"It's not me. It's this _queer_. I think you should throw them out of the store. This is a family place. There is no room here for their _filth._ "

"Call him a queer one more time," says Mickey behind me.

"Ma'am, I do apologize for your discomfort, but these boys are customers the same as you and while I am only part time I do not have the authority to kick them out of the store, nor would I."

"You're just as bad as they are. I hope you burn in hell," says the old woman. She takes her husband by the arm and leaves. I give them the finger when they look back at me. But when she returns the gesture I run out of the store after her.

"Fuck you, lady!" I holler.

"Stupid queers," She says. I take a rock and throw it through her car window. She gets out of her car and starts hitting me with her purse repeatedly. She only stops when Mickey intervenes and forces her to stop.

When the woman drives away she hits me with her car, not hard enough to really hurt me just enough to knock me down, her husband throws a bible at us and his wife gives me the finger as she drives out of the parking lot.

"Can we go home now?" Mickey asks.

"Where's Yev?" I ask.

"The cashier is watching him," Mickey says, "Are you okay? Did that Jesus bitch hurt you? I'll hunt her down and kick her fucking ass. I don't care if she is fucking old."

"I'm alright," I tell Mickey. I wipe the snow and dirt off me. Mickey cups my face and pecks me a kiss. "Let's finish finding suits and go home."

"Best fucking idea you've had all day."

Mickey finds a jacket that fits. People in the Good Will avoid eye contact with us. A few women coo over Yev, but he is really cute, so I don't blame them. Most just avoid us like we're infected. I try on a suit and the first one has pants so tight that my dick is suffocating.

"They fucking look good on you," Mickey says.

"They're way too tight," I say.

"What can't fit your ass into them?"

"Are you calling me fat?" _Am I fat?_

"No," Mickey doesn't hesitate. He stares me up and down and then tickles me. I succumb to him. I let him win. "Don't you for one second start that bull shit. You're not fucking fat."

Mickey and I find what we need. I push Yev's stroller to the check out. The boy who helped us earlier smiles widely. "First, I apologize for that woman's behavior. Second, I would never throw you out."

"Thank you," I say. "But you don't have to apologize for her. That wasn't your fault."

"No, but I still feel morally obligated to apologize."

"Shut the fuck up and pay so we can get out of here," says Mickey.

"The two suits together will be $54 after tax."

"Shit, I'm a little short," I tell Mickey as I count my money. Mickey pulls out a five and hands it over. I peck him on the lips. "Thanks."

"Oh, okay, Tough Guy, take your fucking shit and let's go," Mickey says.

I am pretty excited for the double date tonight. Amanda is taking us to an expensive restaurant. Lip said it's on her that she's paying, but Mickey isn't having it. He adamantly refuses. We've been arguing about it since we got home. Mickey and I are taking a shower together to save time and because its fun, but he still refuses.

"I have the fucking money."

"She offered to pay. Jesus, Mickey, what's the problem?"

"You're my fucking boyfriend and I'm going to pay," Mickey says suddenly. "I don't like the idea of other people paying for you. If Lip were paying that'd be different. He's your fucking family. But she isn't. She's nothing to you. You've only met her once."

"I didn't think you'd care," I say scrubbing his back and kissing it at the same time.

"Well, I do. I want to take care of you, not this bitch."

"Fine, you can pay," I tell him as I kiss his neck. Mickey wasn't shy about shower sex. He's never been shy about it. But it was when we both slipped in the tub mid fuck and went down that the mood was over. I was still inside Mickey when it happened. He landed ontop of me, it was painful. But this time we're careful.

I get in a position to enter Mickey when my foot slips in some soap and I go down. I pull Mickey down with me. He laughs. We pull the shower curtain down. Mickey lands between my legs, but that doesn't stop us. We still fool around on the bottom of the tub. Mickey switches from shower to tub on the faucet and puts the plug in the tub. I sit up and get the curtain out before it gets too wet.

"How about a bath instead?" Mickey asks.

"A sexy bath," I say pulling him into me as the hot water fills up around us. He kisses me so deeply I swear his tongue is going down my fucking throat. I kiss back and before I know it Mickey is on lap with me inside him and he's taking control.

It's the hottest sex we've ever had, literally. We almost let the tub over flow during our orgasms, but Mickey shuts them off in the nick of time. We don't hush ourselves. I grunt and moan as he rides my dick in the tub, and he makes the noises that keep me going. When it's over we finish at the same time.

"That was amazing," I tell Mickey as I let him lather my hair with his shampoo. He nibbles on my ear in the process.

"Don't ever dye your hair," Mickey says. I feel him kiss the top of my head.

"Why?"

"Red is my favorite color," Mickey says as he bites my ear lobe.

"I think my hair is clean now," I tell him as he continues to massage my scalp.

"It's fucking clean when I say it is," Mickey says as he continues. I lean back and let him massage it. It feels good. Mickey rinses the shampoo out of my hair and then conditions it just to continue to massage it.

"I think I'm clean," I tell him again.

"Fuck off," Mickey says taking his time.

"At least let me wash you."

"Wait your fucking turn," Mickey says.

We're both really pruny when we finally get done with our sexy bath. Mickey keeps trying to stop me from getting dressed by offering to blow me. I let him once, but then I insist we get dressed so we're not late for dinner.

We both dress in the bathroom at the same time. I tie Mickey's tie and then attempts to do mine. I finish it. I spray him with my cologne. He tries to use my tooth brush, but that's when I put my foot down.

"No. You just had your mouth on my dick."

"Excuse me," Mickey says picking up his own tooth brush. He makes a show of brushing his teeth. I kiss his cheek. "Damn, Ian, you sure do look fucking good."

"Aw, thanks, Mick. So do you."

We exit the bathroom together and a flash goes off in our eyes. Ryan takes another picture. Mickey looks about ready to rip his head off. "Your first date as an official couple, I am so proud. I'm going to put this on my Facebook," Ryan says.

"I need to get better friends," Mickey says.

"Aw, you love me and you know it," Ryan says playfully punching Mickey.

_Wait, Mickey hasn't even told me that he loves me. He better not say it to Ryan first. I don't care if it is platonic._

"You look like two gay boys going to prom," says Mandy. "Which one's the king and which is the queen?"

I playfully smack at Mandy. She smacks back.

"This is embarrassing, can we fucking go?" Mickey asks.

"What is this?" Svetlana asks. "You're going out together."

"Yeah," Mickey says, finally standing up to her, "You have something to say?"

"No."

"Didn't fucking think so, let's go, Ian."

"Wait, not so fast, mister," says Ryan.

"What the fuck?"

"What are your intentions with Mickey tonight?" Ryan asks me.

I laugh. Mickey flips Ryan off.

"Be back around midnight," Mandy says kissing me on the cheek.

"I'm so proud. Our little boys are growing up," Ryan says putting his arm around Mandy. Mandy grins and waves at us as we leave. Mickey rolls his eyes and pulls me along.

"They're fucking embarrassing," Mickey says.

"I thought it was funny," I tell Mickey.

We take two buses into the city for the restaurant. Lip and Amanda are already there. She tries to shake Mickey's hand but he just waves. He's never been the hand shaking type. Lip hugs me. I whisper how handsome he looks.

"Amanda and I had a bet going on if Ian could actually talk you into coming," Lip tells Mickey.

"How much did you lose?"

"Fifty bucks, pay up," Amanda says to Lip.

Lip hands over the money and shakes his head.

"Serves you right, asshole," Mickey says, "Where the fuck is our waiter?"

"I'll be right with you," says the waiter. When he turns around my jaw hits the floor and I feel Mickey tense up.

"Kash?"

"Ian?"

"Oh fuck," Lip says.

"I don't get it," Amanda says.

"Ian used to fuck Kash. Mickey was robbing the store Kash owned and when Ian went to confront him they ended up fucking. Kash found out and shot Mickey. That's the story in a nutshell," Lip says.

"Oh," says Amanda, "I'm going to request a new waiter."

"Yeah, probably a good idea. Mickey looks ready to kill."

All I wanted was a romantic night with my boyfriend and to spend time with Lip and his new girlfriend. I wanted a normal date for once in my life and I have to run into someone I don't want to see. This whole day was perfect.

"How are you?" Kash asks putting his hand on my shoulder. _Don't fucking touch me._ He gives my shoulder a squeeze and winks at me. "You look great. Wow. I wasn't expecting this."

"Mickey," says Lip. I look at Mickey, there is a fire blazing in his eyes. He's about to enter Milkovich mode. My heartrate increases. Mickey's cracking his knuckles. "Amanda is getting a new waiter, calm down. Don't make a scene."

"Okay, hi, I'm Lucy, I'll be your waitress," says a blonde girl stepping up to the table. Kash doesn't take his hands off my shoulder right away. Lucy or whatever her name is tries to push him away casually, but he isn't going for it.

"We should catch up, Ian. God, I've missed you."

"Okay, you need to leave," Lip tells Kash, "Mickey is about to kill you."

Kash finally looks at Mickey and immediately takes his hands off me. He steps away from the table like the pussy he always was. I look at Mickey. He has been squeezing my hand this whole time and I didn't even realize it until now.

"I'm sorry, and sir, why I don't give you and your handsome date dessert on the house," Lucy says to Mickey. He releases his death grip on my hand and nods. "I'll be right back with your wine."

"Beer for him, please," I tell Lucy.

"Anything you want, sweetie," Lucy says as she walks away.

"Mickey," I say looking at his face. He leans over and pecks me on the lips. He grabs my chair and pulls it so close to his we're practically sharing a seat. Amanda and Lip don't say anything. They pretend they don't notice.

"So, Mickey, I hear you're a pimp, what's that like?" Amanda asks to break the ice. Mickey almost smiles; he loosens up a little and answers her question about as awkwardly as he can. Maybe this date won't be a disaster after all.


	62. Something's Not Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey has a score to settle.

Kash is on my list of people I want to murder. That motherfucker touched Ian again. I thought he was done molesting him, but apparently not. I now know where he works. I plan to pay the asshole a visit, and I'm not doing it with my brothers. I'm doing it alone.

Ian is out for his run like he does every fucking morning. He's been staying at my house, since I came out. It's safe for him to be there now, because my brothers took off after I admitted that I wasn't just gay but had a boyfriend.

So now I'm here to defend Ian's fucking honor, with a gun on me. Kash is arguing with the young waitress who gave me and Ian free dessert last night during our date. She is safe. She's not the problem. I don't like a lot of fucking people, but she's not so bad. I kind of feel the need to protect and defend her. She showed me a kindness and I am in her fucking debt.

"You hit on a customer," said the young woman.

"You don't understand, Lucy, I used to date him. We were together. I wasn't doing anything wrong."

 _That's what you think? I remember it differently._ I can't do anything with Lucy in there with Kash. I won't hurt her. I won't even risk putting her in danger. She doesn't deserve it.

"I'm still telling our manager," says Lucy.

"You can't. They'll fire me. I need this job."

"Too bad," Lucy says. I don't hear her voice anymore; instead I hear a door slam. It's time to make my approach. I take the gun off safety and hold it out in front of me only pointed downward for now. Kash is sitting at a table doing nothing when I walk in.

"Mickey," Kash says as he stands up and puts his hands over his head.

"Remember that time you shot me? I don't forget shit like that. I have a scar on my fucking leg from it."

"Easy, Mickey," Kash says. I point the gun at him. "Look, I'm sorry I shot you. Can we just forget about it. I'll give you a free dinner."

I shoot at the ceiling. Someone is bound to have heard that. I don't care. Kash ducks. I have to make the point before someone comes in here.

"We have a score to settle," I tell him, "I was here last night. But you probably don't remember because you had your fucking hands on Ian Gallagher. I bet you remember that."

"I didn't," Kash says.

I shoot him in the leg. Kash let's out a scream. I shoot past him. He starts crying like a fucking pussy. "Remember when you molested Ian?"

"I never molested him," Kash says, I shoot him in the other knee. He continues to sob. I should shoot him for fucking crying. "We were dating. Please don't shoot me anymore."

"We both know you molested him. If you ever look at Ian again I won't just shoot you in the leg."

I walk away. I feel better. I head to the Alibi, and put my gun on the bar. Kev looks at me, then looks at it, and then I put it away. He passes me a beer.

"Who'd you kill?" Kev asks.

"I didn't fucking kill anyone, but I'm gonna if that motherfucker doesn't leave Ian alone."

"Who?" Kev asks.

"Kash," I take a drink. I basically down my drink in two gulps.

"You shot Kash?" asks a voice behind me that goes right to my chest. I turn my head and look at a smiling Ian. _He has a beautiful smile._ He leans over to peck me a kiss. I'm still not 100% comfortable, but it makes him happy.

"I didn't kill him," I reassure Ian.

"Why'd you shoot him?"

"He fucking had his hands all over you last night. I'm not going to let—" and into a kiss I am forced, but I kiss back. Ian tastes like a strawberry pop tart.

"Aw, you two are so cute," Kev says, he pretends to wipe tears off his face. I flip him off and turn my focus back on the red head sitting next to me. _I am so fucked._

Ian lays his head on my shoulder. It feels fucking good. I let it stay there. His head fits between my chin and my neck like a fucking glove. He's so warm and his ginger locks are so fucking soft and they always smell good. I rub his head with my right hand.

"Aw, seriously, you two are going to give me a fucking heart attack. Cuteness overload," Kev says teasingly.

Ian takes my hand. I entwine our fingers and hold on to him. This is what he's always wanted from our relationship. He wanted us to be able to do this in public. How could I hate this? How could I not l want him to have this? I would give him the fucking moon if he asked for it.

"You make me sick," says Svetlana.

"Fuck off," I tell her without looking at her. Ian doesn't budge. He keeps his head on my shoulder and his hand in mine. I can hear his breathing. I look down, I try not to move too much, but I look at his pretty head on my shoulder and watch the rise and fall of his chest.

"You're so comfortable," Ian mumbles.

"Ian, there you are," says Sammie or whatever that bitch is called. I want to stab her in the fucking eye. Ian sits up. _Fuck off, bitch, you're going to ruin it._

"What do you want, Sammi? I know Frank survived. Can't you just take him and get out of our lives?" Ian asks. _I second that._

"I didn't want to bring it up, but I think you should stay out of Frank's life. Something is causing him to drink and I'm not saying it's you, but I know it was really hard on him when he found out that you're not really his."

I slide off my stool and grab that woman by the arm. I lead her away from Ian before he has a chance to react. Oh hell fucking no she is not blaming Ian for Frank's drinking problem. Not going to ever fucking happen.

I push her out the door and return to my stool. I don't want her to upset Ian. It's too late. He is staring blankly into space and shaking. _How many fucking people am I going to have shoot today?_ Everything that happens is quick. Ian shattering the glass I was drinking out of and holding a sharp fucking shard to his wrist, his hands trembling so much he can't go through it, the panic on Kev's face.

I react just as quickly. I take the shard from Ian and hug him tight. _Don't you dare fucking do this. What the fuck is wrong? She's a bitch. Don't listen to her. Don't. I've got your back._ I pet his head while I hold him. He clings to me tightly and I feel him shaking in my arms.

"Everyone hates me," He whispers.

_Don't start this fucking shit. I'm going to fuck that bitch up._

"No one hates you, Ian."

"I hate me," Ian says.

That sound is my heart fucking breaking. _Fuck._ I never wanted to care about this fucking redhead. I never wanted it to get this far. It was supposed to be just fucking. We were only supposed to be fuckbuddy's. I never wanted this. But now it's all I fucking want. I want to be his safety net. I want to be Ian Gallagher's everything. No, I fucking need it. I _need_ to be his everything.

I have no fucking clue what to do. I just hold Ian and rock him. I feel like I'm going to fall off the fucking stool. It takes me a long time to realize that Kev locked the door and put up the closed sign. I didn't realize he immediately started calling Gallaghers, not until Debbie shows up.

"That bitch Sammi said something that upset him," I tell her. Ian won't let go of me to acknowledge his siblings. His head is where I like it nuzzled between my chin and my neck. I hear light sniffles coming from him. _That bitch is fucking dead._

"I don't believe you," says Debbie.

"It's true, Debs," says Kev.

"No one makes my brother cry," says Debbie. She leaves with her shank out.

"Call Ryan and Mandy," I tell Kev.

"Already did," says Kev reaching over to rub Ian's back affectionately. I allow it because Kev has been in Ian's life longer than I have. He's Ian's family.

"I wish I were dead," Ian mumbles. He mumbles something else I don't catch. I stroke his pretty hair and kiss his head.

"What the fuck is going on?" Ryan and Mandy ask at the same time.

"Would you please tell Ian you don't hate him?" I ask them. They look confused, but after staring them down they both do it. Ryan tries to touch Ian but I slap his hand. I do allow Mandy to stroke his back and touch him. He responds to her.

"Frank hates me. Lip is mad at me for running away. We used to be best friends. I'm not allowed to spend time with Liam, and Debbie and Carl don't have time for me. I'm just a burden," Ian says.

"No. You're my best friend. Fuck Lip. He always was an asshole," says Mandy. Ian laughs a little at that. He tightens his grip on me. I want to fucking kill. I need to fucking kill. I'm ready to blow that bitch's trailer to the fucking moon.

"Ian, you're so fucking cool. Let's hang out. I think I want to give it another shot with that girl from the book store. I need my wing man."

That seems to perk Ian up a little. He releases me at least. _Ryan, I fucking love you, man._ Ian sits up. He wipes the tears off his face. _You're too good for your fucking family. Too good for me._ I take a napkin and clean him up.

"Feel better?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"Let's go," Ryan says, "I think I'll talk to her this time."

"You better," Ian says.

I have no idea what they're talking about, but as long as Ian is happy, I'm fucking happy. Ryan and Ian leave. But after thirty seconds Ian runs back in to kiss me. I smack his ass and send him on his way.

"What the fuck was that?" Kev and Mandy ask at the exact same time.

"I have no fucking clue."

"I thought he was going to cut himself," Kev says.

"He was, but we stopped it. Jesus, I can't believe what that bitch said set him off that much."

"What happened?" Mandy asks. We fill her in. My sister is more Milkovich than the rest of us. She doesn't talk about fucking that bitch up. She plans on actually doing it. She hit Karen Jackson with a fucking car I wouldn't cross Mandy.

I go with my sister. Mandy doesn't need my help, but I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for Ian. I reach for my gun. Mandy had a knife. That's all Mandy ever really needed. She bangs on the bitch's trailer. Sammi doesn't answer.

"She's been staying at Sheila's I think," I tell her.

"I don't want to go over there."

"Then what the fuck do you want to do?" I ask her. I need a fucking cigarette.

"Let's go get Iggy and fuck this bitch up right," Mandy says.

"I'm going to check on Ian," I tell her. I can't believe I'm going to pass on hurting this bitch, but I never was too keen on hurting women. I can leave it to Mandy. I trust her to get it done. She ran that pedophile skank out of town.

It takes me a long time to find Ian and Ryan, but when I do Ian is standing in the cold peeking into a window of a building. He's smiling.

"Ryan asked out the bookstore girl," Ian says to me. "I helped."

 _Your mood sure changed fast. What the fuck? You were depressed half an hour ago._ Ian doesn't look like he's on drugs, but most of them don't at first. I make a mental note to check his stuff for drugs later, even though I hate that, I have to know what he's on, or if he's on something.

"Want to go eat?" I ask Ian.

"Starving," says Ian.

"Good, I'm buying."

"You never let me buy," Ian says.

"Nope, and I never will," I tell him.


	63. Emotional Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian's having a bad day.

I've been crying for over an hour. Mickey has been holding me like a baby for forty-five minutes. But I can't seem to stop crying. It's not really his fault. I know he didn't mean it, but he said it and it was hurtful.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have gone over there. That was a mistake. But I thought it might change things. It might make things better. It might make me feel better, but I feel lousy. It didn't help that she was there.

I wanted to see Frank. He was recovering in the hospital. I just wanted to check on him. Even if Frank doesn't mean anything to me it might be nice for him to have a real relationship with Liam someday. It's not too late for him to start. If only he'd stop drinking and be an actual father. I was stupid for ever trying to come over here.

"Hi, Frank," I say holding flowers out to him which Sheila takes. She pats me on the cheek and then squeezes my arm. It's weird how kind she is. I smile at her.

"You're so sweet, Ian," Sheila says. "Frank, Ian's here, and he looks so tall and handsome."

Frank sits up and looks right at me. He doesn't speak to me right away, but I am hopeful. I take the chair beside the bed. Mickey stands behind me with his arms crossed like he's my body guard. Then she comes in. Sammie comes in with her fat son behind her.

"Dad, I brought you some fresh flowers and…why is Ian here?"

"He's Frank's son, Sammie. He's allowed to be here," says Sheila. _I'm sensing some hostility between them._

"He is not," Sammie says, she smiles at me then lowers her voice to a whisper, "He is not Frank's son. He's not my brother. Monica had an affair."

"He is Frank's son, Sammie. He's more Frank's son than you are his daughter. Frank might not have been active in Ian's life, but he's his father."

Sheila's on my side. I look up at Mickey. He smiles at me but then resumes scowling at the two women.

"What do you want?" Frank asks me.

"I just wanted to see you."

"Why? You've never cared. You and Lip threw out me countless times, sometimes in the winter when it was cold and I had nowhere to go. I even kept your secret when I caught you with him in that cooler in the Kash 'N' Grab," Frank starts coughing, "And what happened? Your sister changed the locks, and you and your brothers kicked me out. The only one who was nice to me was Carl. He cares. The rest of you I'm done with, especially you. You're not even mine. I'm not obligated to love you."

"Fuck you, Frank," says Mickey in my defense. I am out of that chair and out of the room faster than I have ever moved in my life. I break down in the hallway. Mickey's arms wrap around me. I cling to him. People are probably watching, but I don't care.

So now I'm crying up a storm and I can't stop. I don't know why I even tried. Frank doesn't give a shit about anyone. Sheila rounds the corner, and approaches me. Mickey won't let her get too close. He always does this.

"Ian, Frank didn't mean any of that," Sheila says sweetly.

"Please just go," Mickey says, he strokes my hair as I sob on his shoulder. He holds me like I'm a child, but he never complains about it. He has places he could be right now, but he chose to stand here and hold me. "Hey, look at me," Mickey says. I do. "Why are you so emotional, huh? What's wrong, Tough Guy? It's just Frank. Frank doesn't matter."

"I just thought I would try to make amends," I tell Mickey. He's touching my chin with his thumb, but I'm not sure he realizes he's doing it. I peck him a kiss. He smiles at me. There is that look in his eye that I've always wanted to see. I peck him again.

"Let's forget about Frank."

"Okay."

Mickey and I leave the hospital hand in hand. Anytime someone looks longer than they should Mickey flips them off or leans in to me to show possessiveness. I don't mind. I would rather him care. Mickey and I decide to get hot chocolate and coffee at the Coffee Beanery that Jimmy used to work in.

"Coffee," says Mickey to the girl at the counter. She smiles at him and leans over the counter to expose her cleavage. I look at Mickey, he doesn't seem to notice.

"What kind of coffee would you like?" She asks. She lowers her voice.

"Just coffee," Mickey says, "I don't want any of the fancy bull shit."

"I'll have a hot chocolate," I tell her, but she ignores me. I look at Mickey again. Once again he doesn't notice.

"I'll get that for you," she tells Mickey.

"NO!" I shout putting my foot down hard. Several people jump including Mickey. I knock the coffee out of the girl's hand onto her shirt and take Mickey by the hand. "He's mine," I say to her. I lead Mickey out of the stupid coffee shop then drop his hand and walk off. It doesn't take Mickey long to catch me.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"She was trying to flirt with you."

"Jesus Christ, Ian," Mickey says lighting a cigarette. He presses his forehead against mine for a moment and holds me close to him. "Calm down. What's the matter with you?"

"I just want to make sure you're not going to leave me," I whisper.

"I'm not," Mickey says.

And then I kiss him, full on, mouth to mouth, tongue in mouth groping and grabbing. It's a frisky kiss. Mickey wants it. I can feel it. But we're not in any place where we can do it. Making it back to Mickey's house before we strip each other in public was the hardest thing we've ever done.

Finally, once inside the Milkovich house we get out of our clothes and fall together on the couch in the living room. That's as far as we make it. The sex is good. I keep going, and going and going until Mickey can't go anymore, even though I can. He makes me stop. I hold him against me. I like the way his naked body feels against mine.

"Holy shit," says Mandy walking in. She puts her hand out in front of her to shield our naked asses from her view. "Do that in a bedroom, please."

"What do you say, Tough Guy? Want to take this to my bedroom?" Mickey asks.

I chase him there. We fall onto Mickey's bed. I lie next to him and touch his face with my hand. I stare into his eyes. Mickey's really beautiful. He doesn't see it. I kiss his nose, he smiles. His eyes are so gorgeous. I've never seen a blue quite like that. I kiss his forehead. He grins.

"What are you doing?" Mickey asks.

"Admiring you," I tell him.

"Nope," Mickey says, and we change places, "I want to admire you."

"Do you like the way I look?" I ask him, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Maybe I'm not sexy enough. Maybe I'm not good enough.

"Fucking yes," Mickey says.

I wake Mickey up by bouncing on him. He starts laughing harder than I've ever heard him before. He pulls me down on top of him and runs his fingers along my arm. I look into his eyes. He's smiling, but I just get up and keep bouncing. I jump off the bed and start to dress. Lying down is not an option. For some reason I need to keep going. I need to go home and check on Debbie and Carl and Liam. They're home by themselves. Fiona's in jail and Lip's in college. I need to check on the kids.

"Where are you going?" Mickey asks me.

"I have to check on my brothers and sister," I tell Mickey as I dress quickly.

"Jesus, Ian, come back to bed it's five pm. They're fine."

"I'm just going to go over there. I'll be back."

I peck Mickey a kiss and leave before he can insist on coming with me. Debbie with her "friend" Matt, who is actually a decent guy, because if he wasn't I would have kicked his ass. Carl is moping in the kitchen. I kiss the top of his head. He wipes it off.

"I thought you were living with Mickey," Carl says.

"I am, but I wanted to check on you guys, make sure you had dinner."

"Great, I'm fucking starving," says Carl.

I pull out some skillets and stuff ready to cook when Mickey comes in with two large pizzas and a few bags of Doritos. Fiona would be pissed they're not eating healthy, but I don't think it matters. I frown.

"What?" Mickey asks.

"I wanted to cook for them," I tell him.

"They're fed, get over it."

"You're always doing this, Mickey."

"Always doing what?" Mickey asks, seemingly confused.

"You're always stepping in where you don't belong. I'm fucking sick of it."

I shove him and run upstairs. I sit on my bed with my arms crossed, but sitting still is not an option. I get up and move around. I go down the hall to Fiona's room. I feel like I'm fucking trapped here.

"Ian," says Mickey.

I ignore him. I walk out on the balcony and down the stairs. I walk down the street. I forgot my coat, but I'm not that cold anyway. I just need to breathe.

"Ian," says Tony from his yard. He waves me over. I hesitate and walk over. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're wearing nothing but a thin shirt and jeans in the snow," Tony says. It's his day off. He's shoveling his side walk.

"I didn't notice," I tell him.

"Come inside and let me get you some hot chocolate."

"No," I say and keep walking. Tony calls after me. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don't look. It's either Tony or Mickey. _Why they just go away?_

"Ian," says two voices at the same time. I finally stop.

"Put this on," Mickey says throwing my coat at me. It falls on the ground. I don't pick it up. "I'll fucking make you put it on. I'm not afraid." I leave it lie. Mickey shrugs and grabs the coat. He forces me into it. I put up a struggle but he wins.

"You scared the shit out of me," Tony says.

"Why do you care?" I ask stomping my feet. I feel my entire body shaking. I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I just wanted to take care of my family and Mickey had to ruin it.

"Why are you being a little bitch?" Mickey asks.

"Mickey, don't call him a bitch," Tony says.

"Don't fucking tell me what to call my boyfriend. Ian, this is ridiculous. It's fucking cold. Let's go home."

"I'm not going anywhere with you."

"What the fuck did I even do?"

Mickey has desperation in his voice that cannot be denied. I look at him. He really doesn't know. I step close to him. He whispers, "fuck." And I smile. Mickey opens his arms for me.

"For once I wanted to be needed by my family," I tell Mickey breaking down in his arms.

"Fuck them," Mickey says.

"Are you alright now, Ian?" Tony asks. He touches my back and Mickey almost breaks his hand. Tony gets the idea and leaves. I feel Mickey kiss my chin. I nuzzle into him like a cat.

"Don't scare me like this anymore," Mickey demands. "What the fuck is the matter with you? One minute you're happy and the next you're fucking angry. I have no idea which way to turn when it comes to you. Slow down, Tough Guy."

"I like it when you call me that," I tell Mickey.

"Let's go back to your house and have some pizza," Mickey suggests.

Pizza isn't satisfying when I see the looks Debbie and Carl are giving me. They're looking at me like they're expecting me to break or something. I don't like it. I'm not on drugs. Why won't anyone believe me?

 


	64. Maybe, I Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey panics when Ian won't get out of bed. 4x12 based.

\

I wake up with Ian's arm around me. I love the way his bare skin feels against mine. I remove his arm so I can sit up. I take a swig of last night's beer. _Last night_. Last night was fucking amazing.

_"I can't believe I'm here with you," I told Ian._

_"Are you sure this is what you want?" Ian asked me while fingering my hole. I smiled and gazed into his green eyes._

_"I want you," I told him. There was something on my tongue I wanted to say, but I couldn't. It didn't feel like the right time. So I held it in._

That led into some of the greatest fucking ever. Now Ian is sleeping beside me in my big bed. I look at his sleeping form. _Fucking beautiful. Like a fucking angel._ I touch his hair gently so I don't wake him and run my thumb over the skin of his forehead.

I am out of cigarettes. _Fuck._ I wanted to stay in bed with Ian a little longer. I get up and put on my pants. The house is quiet. The fucking baby must be sleeping, finally. He cries a lot.

"So you are rainbow boy now?" asks Svetlana. I didn't even fucking see her when I walked into the dining room. Her hair is orange.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?"

"You wear pink sweaters and stink of man perfume now?"

"I look shitty in pink," but the only man perfume I smell like is Ian's and that doesn't fucking bother me. That asshole smells fucking amazing.

I try to light my fucking cigarette, but the lighter isn't cooperating with me. Svetlana opens her robe. I do a double take. She's wearing a long strap on dick and she's completely naked. I could fucking puke.

"What the fuck?"

"You like the penis yes?"

"Not when there's tits directly above it."

"You want it up in your poop place?"

_What the fuck is she doing? Fuck. I fucking hope Ryan doesn't fucking walk in, or even Ian. Especially not Ian._

"I want you to put it away," I hold out my hand in front of me to block it from view. "Can't you put that away? Put that fucking thing away. Please."

She takes it off and closes her robe. What the fuck? "Thank you."

"You love him?" _Don't ask me that. I've been wracking my fucking brain over that since I fucking got him back._

"Maybe, I don't know." _Yes, I think I do. Fuck._

"Because he has a real penis?"

"Yeah, I guess," _So much more than that._ I'm fucked. Really fucked.

"I hate the penis," Svetlana says. This is the first time we've had a civil conversation in ages. I'm actually not fucking surprised she hates the penis. "Ugly fucking skin stick." _She obviously hasn't seen Ian's. His dick is fucking freckled._ "Always trying to get in where it doesn't belong. You like boys. Maybe I like girls. No penises staring at you hoping to explode like sticky volcano. America land of choices, yes?" She hands me coffee. "Freedom to be me, freedom to be you. McDonald's and Burger on same block. You choose." Is she saying being gay is a choice? I didn't fucking choose this. Yeah, I fucking chose to be something that would cause me fucking pain. "One. Both. Shit maybe we go to Wendy's instead."

"You're a lesbian?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. Choice." _I fucking disagree, but I'm not going to argue._ The only choice I made was coming out and being openly with Ian. She can go fuck herself.

She spouts off some bull shit about the baby not having a choice and how I should take more care of him. Fuck her. When she leaves I pass the baby off to Mandy and get dressed for the day. Ian is still sleeping when I come back in.

"Hey, man, it's noon. Rise and fucking shine, Cinderella." I throw open the curtains and watch Ian move like a little cockroach in a corner of the bed that the sun isn't shining on. He should be fucking getting up. "I'm heading to Tommy's to get a dog." I smack his ass. "Mandy said she'd watch the baby meat for a while. "Yo, Sleepy face. Get your ass up man. Time to roll."

Ian mumbles something I don't catch but just rolls over. _What is this? Playing hard to get?_ I crawl into the bed. "What was that, Mumbles?" I smack his knee and crawl toward him. "Come on, get up. I'm buying." He doesn't speak. He has the cover pulled up over his head. _Ian?_ "Hey, are you okay? Feeling sick or something?" I pull the cover down a little.

"Leave me alone," Ian says.

"Alright, you want me to bring you back something to eat?" No answer. "Alright man, go fuck yourself. Sleep all day see if I care."

Mandy is standing next to the door. "Is he okay?"

"Who the fuck knows?"

Ryan is at the Alibi when I get there. I wanted to spend the fucking day with Ian but he won't get out of bed. I sit down on my usual stool at the bar. Tommy makes an off-hand joke about my sexuality. He takes it back, but I get ready for a fight. Ryan is up and out of his seat, I'm not sure if he's doing it to back me up or if he wants to stop me from hurting anyone.

"Have a seat, Mickey," says Kev, "No one gives a shit who you bang." I sit down slowly. I want to run away screaming, but this is different. This isn't how everyone was supposed to be reacting. They're not supposed to be supportive. I look at Ryan he nods me over.

"See, Mick, no one cares that you're with Ian. Don't be so jumpy," Ryan says. "Where is your husband anyway?"

"Fucking sleeping. I couldn't get him out of bed."

"It's the middle of the fucking day," Ryan says.

"I know, but he told me to go away."

"Are you worried?"

"Nah, he's probably sick or something. I'll swing by and check on him later. Mandy's there with him."

"You really are his fucking husband," Ryan says.

I don't let it bother me. Why should I? Ian's important. I try to listen to what Ryan is saying about his new girlfriend or some bull shit, but I can't focus. My knee is bouncing uncontrollably and am I tempted to steal Ryan's fucking phone to call Ian. I can't even drink my beer.

"Just go check on him," Ryan says.

"What?"

"You're distracted, Mick, go check on Ian."

"Fuck him," I say, finally taking a sip of my beer.

"Mick," Ryan says, taking the beer from me. "Go check on Ian."

"Fuck off," I tell him.

"Seriously, I will kick your ass out of my bar if you don't go check on him," Kev says coming over to my table. "Boys."

Tommy and the three biggest men in the bar physically lift me by my arms and throw me out of the bar. Ryan comes out of his own free will carrying my coat. He hands it to me.

"Come on, Mick, I'll go with you."

"Wait, I have to get something first," I tell Ryan. We walk toward the Kash 'N' Grab. I sigh before I go in. I have a lot of memories of this place. Most of them were of secret moments with Ian in the back room and the cooler, just us. I can't help but smile. Linda is running the register. She shakes her head when I walk in.

"Where's your boyfriend?"

"He's sick or something," I tell her, "Do you have any _Reese's Pieces_ in stock?"

"For you, Mickey, always," Linda says, she winks and hands me the biggest fucking box she has and take a rose out of a vase that is sitting on the counter. "I assume these are for Ian."

"Could I get some cheese?" Ryan asks. I look at him. "What? I love cheese."

Linda slices up Ryan some fucking cheese and we both pay and leave. How Linda got a fucking rose in the middle of fucking winter is beyond me but I think this is just the thing to make Ian feel better. Hopefully, he's out of bed by now.

But he isn't. Mandy said he hasn't gotten out of bed all day. It's after five. He's still exactly how he was when I left him. My heart drops into my feet. Mandy takes the rose and puts it in water for me.

"I'll give you a minute," says Ryan, rubbing my shoulder.

"Yo, it's after five you trying to set some kind of record?" I say to Ian. He doesn't even act like he knows I'm fucking here. I pick up a pillow and toss it at him. "You're not still sleeping get up."

"Leave me alone," Ian says.

"Ian, are you high, did you take something?" _Please be drugs. Please be drugs._

"Go away," Ian whispers.

"Do you want me to call the club at least and tell them you won't be in?"

"Jesus leave me alone!" _Oh fuck. Fuck. Something's wrong. This isn't sick._ My heart is fucking pounding. Something is wrong with Ian. I back out of the room slowly and meet Mandy and Ryan in the hallway. "What the fuck is wrong with him?" I stare back at him for a second before I shut the door.

"Mickey, what are you going to do?" Ryan asks.

"I'm going to fucking get Lip and bring him over here," I say.

"You hate Lip," Ryan says.

"Shut the fuck up and stay here. I need," I say, I can't catch my breath. Mandy rubs my arm. "I need one of you to stay here. I just—I just need someone I trust to stay with him."

"Yeah, man, we'll stay," says Ryan. Mandy nods.

It feels like it takes fucking forever to get to the Gallagher house. My heart is about to jump out of my chest. This isn't what I wanted. Oh fuck. God, hopefully Lip is home. I knock. No answer. I knock harder. _I will fucking knock until someone answers, or I'll break the goddamn door down._

Carl answers, "Hey, your brother here?"

"I thought he was staying with you."

"Nah, come on man, the other one. Lip."

"College."

"Fuck." _I about to burst into fucking tears._ I guess I could bring Carl. He might know. I wanted fucking Lip.

"Something wrong?" Carl asks. _Would I fucking be here if everything was okay?_

"Come with me," I tell him.

"What's going on?" Debbie asks.

"I don't know. It's Ian, please," I beg. Debbie doesn't hesitate. She grabs her coat and Liam and they dress for the cold and follow me.

Ryan meets me by the door, "I called the club and told them Ian's not coming in."

"Thanks," I bypass Ryan and lead the brats to my bedroom. I open the door. Ian is lying exactly as he was the blanket around his hips. His tattoo is exposed. Hopefully these kids can figure out what the fuck is wrong?

"Ian," Debbie says softly. _Please fucking work. Please get him up._ "Ian, you alright? Ian, it's Debbie."

"Go away," Ian whispers. And there my heart fucking breaks. _No. You can't be broken. Ian. Fuck. You're not allowed to be broken. Fuck you._

Svetlana is looking at me. She looks concerned. Whatever, she doesn't even fucking like Ian. .

"Do you know what this is?" I ask Debbie.

"Yeah, we know what this is," Debbie says. We step away from the doorway. I look back at Ian before I shut the door. I follow Debbie and Carl into the living. Fucking Kenyatta is sitting at the table eating a sandwich. Ryan is holding Yev, and Svetlana has Liam.

"Well what the fuck is it," I ask.

"I can't be certain," Debbie says.

"Well what the fuck do you think it is?"

"Mickey, calm down," says Mandy.

"Fuck you. I'm not calming the fuck down until I know what the fuck is going on."

"Let's see what happens tomorrow, Mickey. He might pull out of it," suggests Debbie, but the look on her face has me fucking worried. I don't stop her and Carl from leaving. This was a fucking bust.

"Mickey," says Ryan, trying to talk me down. I flip him off and go into my bedroom. I slam the door shut. I sit on the bed beside Ian.

"You don't have to talk to me, but I'm going to fucking sit here," I tell him. No response. He just wiggles into a burrito of blankets and ignores me. I touch his hair. He mumbles something. _Please be okay. Fuck. It's always one fucking thing after another._

"Mick, Ian, you hungry?" Ryan asks from the other side of the door, "I ordered pizza."

"Fuck off," I tell him. I take off my pants and get under the covers with Ian. I want to touch him, but I probably shouldn't. _If you tell me what's wrong maybe I can fix it. I can try to make it go away._

I don't know when sleep came but it hit me hard. I woke up early to see if Ian moved, but he didn't. He's still wrapped up like a burrito. I kiss his shoulder and look at him. His eyes are wide open but he's not responsive.

"Ian, do you want something to eat?"

Mumbles. That's all it fucking is. I've had it with his mumbles.

"Where's my chatterbox, huh?" I tease. He rolls over and buries his face in my pillow. My heart is breaking again.

"Mick, Fiona is here," Mandy says.

"What's going on?" Fiona asks, "Debbie and Carl looked really scared. When they mentioned something was with Ian I thought maybe he ran off again."

"I wish," I say. _No I don't._

"Come look at him," I tell her.

"You look like shit," Ryan says.

"Don't fucking start," I tell him. I lean against my bedroom door while Fiona talks to Ian.

"Are you hungry? I'll make you sandwich. Or I can get my sneakers and we can go for a run at the track. You want to go for a run and get some fresh air? What do you say?" She rubs his shoulders and then kisses him but he doesn't respond.

"Okay," Fiona says. She gives up and comes out. We shut the door to my room to give Ian some space. My heart is in there. I can feel it. I need to be with him. I need to be in there with him not out here. "How long has he been like that?"

"Since yesterday morning."

"And he hasn't gotten out of bed?"

"No. He's just sleeping, I can't get him up. I tried."

"Yeah, me too," says Mandy.

"What about before? What was he like?"

"Before he was he was fine he was happy, staying up all hours of the night, dancing, telling fucking jokes. He kicks my ass every day I can't keep up with him."

"We gotta get ahold of Lip. He should know," Fiona says.

"Know what? What's wrong with him?"

"Depression, I think."

"He's depressed. We all get fucking depressed. How the fuck could we not living around here?"

"It's not that kind of depressed okay? Look, I could be wrong but it could be bipolar disease like our mom."

"Bi-bi what? What the fuck is that?"

"It's manic depression, Mick," says Mandy.

"It's like high highs followed by low lows over and over again. We'll get him an appointment at the clinic and we'll see what they say," Fiona says. _Fuck._

"No. No, look he's low we cheer him up."

"It's not like that. He might have to be hospitalized."

"What do you mean—like a psych ward? No fucking way. No fucking way. He's staying here." _You're not taking him from me. No one is ever taking him from me. Back off, bitch._

"He could end up suicidal."

"Then we hide the knives until he perks up." I fight the tears that want to come gushing out. Not in front of them. "I can-I can take care of him. Okay. Let me take care of him until he's better."

"It could be weeks. It's mood swings, okay, it's almost impossible to handle."

Now she's pissing me off. I need a fucking cigarette but I'm shaking so hard I can't light it.

"Don't fucking tell me what's impossible. We're taking care of him here. You, me, us. He's fucking family." I can't look at her right now. I walk away. If I don't they're going to see me cry.

"I have to get to a meeting. We'll call Lip and let him know what's going on," Fiona says.

"He's not going to some fucking nut house. You hear me? He stays here. He's staying with me." I just got him back and they want to take him away again. No. No one is ever taking him away from me again. I can take care of him. I will fucking take care of him.

"Mick," says Ryan.

"Let it be, Ryan," Mandy says.

I push the door of my bedroom open. I get a chair from the kitchen and carry it to my room. I don't care if everyone is staring at me or fucking not. I slam the door shut and place my chair where I can see Ian.

_I love you, Tough Guy. You know that?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last season 4 chapter, however, I have some pre-season 5 stuff coming up. :) We can't just jump from winter to summer without spring. So...stay tuned


	65. Chasing Cars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is no longer depressed. He's out of bed and acting weirder than usual.

It's the middle of the night when I roll over and Mickey isn't in bed. I sit up. Mickey's not even in the room. I throw off the covers and try to stand. My legs are little weak, but I manage to stand up. I slip on some clean underwear. Mickey has done my laundry or maybe Mandy did it. I don't know.

I start to walk, slowly, and weakly and go to the kitchen. There is movement on the couch, _Mickey?_ I tip toe over and peek over the back of the couch. Mickey is snoring slightly and holding his blanket up to this chin. I kiss the top of his head and slid down the couch to spoon him. The action wakes him up.

"Ryan, I swear to fucking God," Mickey mumbles. I kiss the back of his head. "Ian?" Mickey tries to sit up but I hold on to him. He rotates his body to face me. I kiss his nose.

"What are you doing on the couch?" I whisper.

"You told me to fuck off, so I did," Mickey whispered back. He's speaking to me but his eyes are still closed. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in. We manage to find a comfortable sleeping position on the couch together. Mickey holds me tight.

"I'm sorry, are you mad at me?" I ask him.

"No. I'm glad you're out of bed. It's been two weeks."

"I'm sorry," I say.

Mickey just mumbles something and snuggles into me. I feel his groin against my leg, it's half erect, but I pretend not to notice. When it fully erects I ignore it. This isn't what I want right now. I know Mickey doesn't either. He just holds me.

"You need a fucking shower," Mickey says.

"I'll take one in the morning," I tell him.

Someone wakes us in the morning. Mickey is grumpy and cursing. He falls off the couch onto the floor and when my eyes adjust to the light I see Mickey punch Ryan and tell him to "fuck off." I have no idea what was said.

"I was joking, Mick," Ryan says.

"It wasn't fucking funny," Mickey says.

"What?" I ask.

"I took care of it, Ian," Mickey says looking at me.

"No really, what happened?"

Mickey won't say. He leans down and kissed the top of my head and gives Ryan the finger. Mickey storms off to his bedroom and slams the door so hard something falls off the wall.

"What'd you do?" I ask Ryan.

"I'm sorry, Ian, it was a joke. I didn't mean it," Ryan says with his hand over the bruise that Mickey surely gave him from the punch.

"What did you say?" I ask, getting annoyed that I don't know what's going on, when I'm certain it's about me.

"I said that you were over your time of the month and finally let out of your cage," Ryan says.

"And Mickey punched you for that?" I ask.

"I believe we're caught up to the present. I'm sorry. It was a joke."

I nod and he helps me up. I pat him on the back. Mickey is standing on the other side of the door ready to pull me into a hug when the door opens. "He's an asshole, ignore him," Mickey says.

"It was funny," I tell Mickey.

"I didn't think it was."

"Go shower," Mickey says pulling away from me.

"Right," I say.

There is a bowl of cereal, toast, and coffee waiting for me at the table. Mickey kisses me on the top of my head, places a plate of bacon on the table and sits down. He scoots his chair closer to me.

"You're out of bed," says Kenyatta.

"I guess," I say.

"Watch baby, today," _She_ says to Mickey. _She_ puts the baby in Mickey's arms and leaves. Its warming up outside, spring is here, but there is still snow on the ground in some places. Mickey puts Yevgeny in his carrier and sits it on a chair next to the table.

"Why are you still here?" I ask Kenyatta.

"What?"

"I thought Mandy would have dumped you by now." I tell him. I slam my fist on the table. Mickey is the first one up. He grabs my shoulder. I shake him off. "You know what you did."

"Ian," Mickey says.

"Will someone get this crazy fool away from me?" Kenyatta asks. Mickey climbs over the table and hits Kenyatta repeatedly. Kenyatta fights back, but even though he's much bigger than Mickey he's not a challenge.

Ryan and I pull Mickey off Kenyatta. He wipes the blood off his face and gives Kenyatta a swift kick. "He's not fucking crazy. Say it again, and you won't be living," Mickey says.

"Okay, you need to calm the fuck down," Ryan tells Mickey after he releases him. "You have been on edge for two weeks."

"Can we talk?" I ask Mickey.

Mickey follows me to his bedroom. I want to know why he's so angry. He lights up a cigarette, but his hands are shaking. I grab on to them. He pulls away. "Your hands are fucking freezing," Mickey says. But he grabs them again anyway.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I'm sick of fucking everyone telling me how to take care of you."

"What? I don't need anyone to take me, Mickey."

"But you were in bed for two weeks. I had to force you to eat."

"So I was depressed. We all get depressed. There's nothing wrong with me. Now, let's get dressed and go out. I want to see my family."

I start getting dressed. Mickey doesn't move from his spot. He watches me for a while before he finally starts moving. I catch him staring at me a lot while I'm getting dressed. Mickey never used to do that. It's nice that he is making an effort to be more open with me.

We take Yev in his stroller. It's a nice day. We don't have to bundle up so much. The temperature is supposed to be up to sixty today and it will melt the rest of the snow. I'm excited. Mickey holds my hand as I push the stroller.

My house is noisy as always. I laugh as I shake the mud and snow off my shoes and climb the stairs. Mickey lifts Yev's stroller and I try to open the door. It's locked. I try my key. It won't work. I knock.

Carl opens the door. He immediately hugs me and then let's go, he moves aside so Mickey and I can enter. "Fiona changed the locks to keep Frank out."

"She didn't give me a key," I say.

"You were with him," Carl nods at Mickey.

"Hey, look who's feeling better," says Fiona throwing herself in my arms. She gives me a tight squeeze before letting go and giving much needed attention to Yev who only scowls at her. _Yep, he's Mickey's kid._

"Why did you change the locks?" I ask Fiona.

"Frank is looking for a home again. Sheila won't let him back in, not that I blame her. He fucking stole money from me. I can't believe it. The house was empty for four hours and he broke in and stole the money for the electric bill."

"He's back to his old self," I tell her.

"I wish he were dead," Fiona says, "at least Monica had the good sense to stay gone. So how long are you here for?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to see everyone."

Mickey follows me through the house with Yev. He's actually carrying him instead of wheeling him around in the stroller, which I am glad about. Upstairs, my bed is gone. It's just Carl and Liam's beds in there. The bunk beds were taken down. _They've moved on without me._

"Where's your bed?" Mickey asks.

"They've erased me from their lives."

"Ian, it could be a misunderstanding," Mickey says.

"No. They changed the locks. They took away my bed. I don't belong here."

"Ian," Mickey says reaching out to me. He lays Yev down on Carl's bed and pins me against the wall. The scene reminds me of one we had weeks ago the day Mickey came out. That was the first time he admitted we were a couple.

"Hey, are you coming down?" Fiona asks. Mickey was about to say something, but he doesn't. "Is everything okay?" She looks at Mickey pinning me against the wall. He releases me and steps back. It probably doesn't look so good from her point of view.

"Where's my bed?"

"We moved it so Frank wouldn't have a bed to claim," Fiona says.

"See, I told you it's not what you think," says Mickey.

"So you're not trying to replace me?"

"That's what you think? Jesus, Ian," Fiona says as if it's the most ridiculous thing she's ever heard.

"I guess I overreacted," I say feeling stupid. I pick up Yev and he lays his head against my neck. _I love you, Yev._ "We should go."

"Go where?" Mickey and Fiona ask together.

"We need to go see Lip," I tell Fiona.

"He's at school, Ian. He has finals coming up."

"He's my brother and I want to see him," I say. I push past her and leave. Fiona and Mickey are both on my heels. I put Yev in his stroller.

"Ian, wait. We'll call him and invite him to dinner," Fiona suggests.

"No. I want to go there. I haven't seen his campus. We used to be best friends. I want to get that back."

"Ian, don't," says Fiona.

"Why don't you want me to go over there?" I ask her.

Fiona doesn't answer so I give her a kiss and head out the door. Fiona catches up with us to give me a key to the house. "Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yeah, of course," Fiona says giving my bicep a squeeze.

Mickey and I take the L to Lip's college. It's a big campus. I look around at everything, the boys playing Frisbee in the mud in an open area between buildings, some girl playing the violin under a tree in the distance, a couple of girls making out on a bench. There are even birds. I didn't think the birds were back yet, but I hear birds singing.

"Watch where you're walking," says some guy I bump into.

"Hey, watch it, freak," says another.

"Fuck you," Mickey yells after him. He tugs on my shirt and pulls me out someone's way. I spot a squirrel and feel Mickey suddenly yank me out of the way of a car that I almost walked in front of. I didn't notice that he had taken Yev's stroller from me and was pushing it himself. "Will you pay fucking attention?"

"Sorry, Mickey," I say.

"Hey," says a girl who winks at Mickey. When a guy looks at me Mickey tenses up. I can almost feel his anger.

"Keep walking, asshole," Mickey growls.

"Look at that," I point to some guys testing a robot outside of one of the buildings.

"Come on," Mickey says, "Do you even know what dorm Lip is in?"

"Ian?" says Lip. I spin around so fast I almost knock Mickey over. Yev starts to cry. Mickey curses under his breath and frantically searches for something to keep Yev quiet. I take him from Mickey and he stops crying. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you."

"You could have called," Lip says.

"Do you have a date tonight?" I ask.

"No, I fucking have finals coming up. I have to study. College isn't like high school. This German philosophy class is going to kill me. But it's good to see you," Lip says.

He hugs me. It doesn't feel the same as when he used to hug me. We were so close once. Lip used to be my best friend. Then I left. That changed. We're not friends anymore. Now we're just brothers.

Lip gives us a tour of campus that ends at his dorm. Amanda is sitting on his bed reading when we come in. I didn't realize they were still together. He kisses her, throws his bookbag on the floor, and sits down beside her. Mickey and I look around. There really isn't any place to sit except his roommate's bed. His roommate isn't here, so after a non-verbal agreement Mickey and I sit.

I rest Yev against me. He's making cute baby noises that cause Amanda to smile. I hand him over to her and he just scowls. "He's definitely a Milkovich," says Lip. Mickey flips him off.

"So Lip tells me you're bipolar," says Amanda.

"What? No. That's our mom. Our mom is bipolar. I'm not. I was just depressed for a while. Everyone gets depressed. I'm fine now."

No one comments. I shrug and focus on the details of Lip's room. He has a giant wall schedule that Amanda made. I can tell she made it because the handwriting is actually legible. There is a mini fridge with Lip's name on it, but I know it's not his. Where would he get the money for it?

"So are you still a pimp?" Amanda asks Mickey.

"Yes."

"Still chatty I see," Amanda says.

"Oh, you know what would we should all do? We should go to the zoo when it warms up."

"I'm not sure, Ian," says Mickey calmly.

"Fuck it, let's do it," says Lip, "I haven't been in years. It might be nice. We'll bring Liam and make a fucking day of it."

"After finals," Amanda says.

I nod. I wouldn't want Lip to miss finals. Mickey and I don't linger. After I change Yev, I pack up our stuff and leave. Lip hugs me tight before I go. On the train ride home Mickey holds my hand.

"You need to make up with Ryan," I say.

"Only if he apologizes to you," Mickey says, "I'll make him fucking apologize if he refuses."

"He already apologized. Please make up with him."

"I will," Mickey says. I look at him. "Fucking quit giving me that look; I said I will so I fucking will."

 


	66. Into the Inferno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian moves back in with his family. Mickey is right there with him.

Ian is awake and staring at me in bed. He won't quit looking at me. I close my eyes to try to stop him from looking at me, but when I open them he's millimeters from my face. He rubs his nose against mine and smiles. A smile forms on my face and it's out of my fucking control. It's a full smile with my teeth and everything.

Ian turns it into a game. He tries to get me to smile like that again. I pretend to put up a fight, but I can't stop smiling. _Fuck you, Tough Guy._ Ian leans in close to me and I can almost hear his heart beating or is that my heart. _Fuck._

"You smiled, I win," Ian says.

"I let you win," I tell him.

"Did you?" Ian asks as he kisses my neck and then my shoulder.

"Fuck off," I tell him. I push him down and kiss his neck. Ian let's me win this time. I sniff his neck. _He smells fucking amazing._ I lick him. It's not something I've ever done. But I can't stop myself. Ian responds to it. I do it again.

"You're going to help me with this problem aren't you?" Ian asks.

I kiss down his body. I take him in my mouth as best I can. It's not easy to take a dick that fucking big all at once. When Ian comes I swallow and then kiss his thigh. His thighs are white, freckled, and muscled; I kiss the right one then the left and run my hands over his hips to feel the muscles there.

"Since when are you this into my body?" Ian asks.

"I don't have to fucking answer you," I tell him as I circle his belly button with my finger. I like the little red hair leading down from his navel. It's so Ian. "Since you fucking entered my bedroom with a tire iron." It was the truth. He deserved to know.

Now he's smiling with his whole face. That motherfucker's dimples are making my heart thud like a gong. "That's exactly the same as me. I've been yours since the beginning. Fuck Kash and Ned. It was you," Ian says.

_Fuck, I love you._ It's not the right time to tell him, that or I'm a fucking pussy. Someone knocks on our door. I groan loudly. "FUCK OFF OR DIE!"

"Frank Gallagher is here," says Ryan from the other side of the door.

"What the fuck does he want?" Ian and I say at the same time.

We bump heads scrambling to get up. I put on Ian's shirt by mistake. It's really big on me. I take it off and hand it to him. He kisses me quickly as he zips his pants. I hold Ian's hand. He smiles at me. Ryan smiles at me, and I flip him off with my free hand. We made up like I promised Ian, but the dick still teases me so I still flip him off.

"What do you want, Frank?" Ian asks.

"I was wondering if I could crash here for a couple of days. Your sister changed the locks."

"Remember what you fucking said to him at the hospital?" I ask before Ian can answer. Ian's too nice. This isn't a time for nice. This is a time for kicking Frank the fuck out.

"I was drugged up," Frank says.

"You're always drugged up, Frank," Ian says.

"Want me to make him leave?" Iggy asks cocking his gun and pointing at Frank's dick.

"It's your call, man," I tell Ian.

"If he stays a couple nights it'll turn into three then four then he'll make excuses why he can't leave."

Ian grabs his arms, I grab his legs, and Ryan holds the door. We toss him out. I look at Ian. He looks okay. He looks calm. I continue to look at him until he kicks the fucking door and I jump about a foot. _He's not okay. Fuck._

"I hate him," Ian says.

"So, do you want pancakes?" Ryan asks to defuse the bomb. It works. _Why was I ever fucking mad at you?_ Ian grins and his happy switch is flipped. He practically skips to the fucking table. I make eye contact with Ryan and nod.

"Banana pancakes! I love banana pancakes," Ian and I say at the same time without meaning to. We receive weird looks from everyone including my fucking wife. She rolls her eyes.

"You two are fucking married," Iggy says digging into his pancake like he's pig. I try to have some manners around Ian. He had Fiona to correct him when he was eating too sloppily.

"I hope so one day," Ian says as if it's the most casual thing in the fucking world. I feel every eye in the room on me again. The blood is rushing to my face. _Fuck._

"Who would take whose name?" Ryan asks, going along with Ian. I shake my head. He smirks evilly.

"I would take Mickey's name, obviously. Hyphenating would be a hassle we both have long names," Ian says, "Ian Milkovich sounds better than Mickey Gallagher."

My mouth drops open. _He's given this a lot of fucking thought. What goes on in that beautiful head of his? It must be a fucking jungle up there._

"Can we change the subject?" Mandy asks.

"Please," I say.

"So I stole some dude's wallet while I was at Wal-Mart yesterday. I totally bought like four cartons of cigarettes," says one of my idiot cousins who dropped by for a free meal. "And he has a hot wife." He shows the picture around the table.

"Anyone we know?" Ian asks over his third helping of banana pancakes.

"Fuck. Yes," I hold the picture up for him. It's Fiona. "Whose wallet was this?" Ian and I ask at the same time without meaning to. My cousin slides the wallet over.

"Jimmy Lishman," Ian says with a smile. He hands the wallet back.

"Who's Fiona?" asks the cousin.

"My sister," Ian says.

"Your sister is hot."

I should smack the shit out of him, but Ian doesn't seem bothered by it. Fiona is pretty, he must realize it. Ian shovels pancakes onto his fork and holds the fork up to me. I hate being fed, but Ian seems to want to do it so I let him. He smiles. I fucking melt.

"Aren't they precious?" Ryan asks.

I flip him off. He laughs.

"I'm going to shower," Ian says suddenly. He jumps up, kisses the top of my head and exits the room. I dare anyone to comment. They know where their place is when it comes to suggestions about Ian; their place is to shut the fuck up. I don't want their opinions.

"Are you coming back to work?" Svetlana asks.

"Yes," I tell her.

Ian is done showering when I enter the bathroom. He's brushing his teeth and humming. _He's fucking humming?_ He admires his tattoo on his hip in the bathroom mirror. _I admire it too when he's not paying attention._ "I'm thinking about dying my hair."

"Don't you fucking dare," I tell him.

"Red is so ugly," Ian says.

"Hey, hey," I say looking for his line of sight. I find it and make his eyes meet mine. I place my hand on his chin. "What's this about, Ian?"

"Frank," Ian says.

"Fuck Frank," I say as I turn on the water and step into the tub. Ian hangs out next to the shower. _I'm going to kill Frank._

"He's my dad," Ian says.

"No he's not," I tell Ian. "You did the right thing."

"Hey, so, since you're working and Svetlana is working can I baby-sit Yev?" Ian asks.

_Fucking mood swings._ Fiona said this was a side effect of that thing. _What was it?_ Bi something or other. Bi-Bi bipolar, I think. Who the fuck knows? Ian says he doesn't have it. I want to believe him, but something is wrong. He's not the same Ian who charged into my room with a tire iron to get the gun back. He's not the same Ian who my dad walked in on me with. He's different.

"Yeah," I say half-heartedly. He pecks me a kiss and leaves the bathroom. I can't help feeling like I did this. I made him like this by rejecting him. He ran away because of me. He joined the army because of me. _Fuck._

I dress for work. Ian is feeding Yev. Svetlana is fussing over him, giving him orders and telling him how to raise a fucking child. "He fucking knows all of that," I tell her.

"You hurt baby, I hurt you," Svetlana tells Ian and she leaves.

"Don't worry, I'll be here all day," Ryan whispers to me. I look over at Ian. He's making faces at Yev, so I step out of earshot with Ryan while I button my shirt. "I know you're concerned, Mickey."

"Something is wrong with him, Ryan."

"Change your mind about taking him to the clinic?"

"Fuck no."

"Jesus, Mickey, you have to do something."

"No one is fucking taking him," I say. I walk away before Ryan can ask stupid fucking questions that I don't want to fucking answer. I walk away. I don't have to fucking explain a fucking thing. No one needs to know anything.

"Micks," Ryan says, "Is that why you came out in the Alibi? Ian threatened to leave you and you chose to keep him. Holy fuck, why didn't I see it before? You're afraid of losing him."

"You don't know shit," I tell Ryan. "Fuck off."

"What's going on?" Ian asks suddenly looking up from Yev.

"Nothing," I say. I finally leave without so much as a bye or kiss to Ian. He doesn't seem to notice.

I throw out some asshole that refuses to pay one of my whores. Another guy is trying to stick his prick where it doesn't belong. I grab him back the neck. "Get the fuck out." But I can't stop thinking about Ryan's words. Fuck yes, I'm afraid of losing Ian. He's the most important person in my life. _Fuck. I'm so fucked._

In the middle of my shift, Ryan comes into the Alibi. He's huffing and puffing and very obviously out of breath. He bends over when he gets inside as he tries to catch his breath. He holds up his hand.

"Ian is gone."

"What?" I ask. Fear washes over me. I know the color is drained from my face. My heart has stopped beating. I walk up to Ryan and make him look at me. "What the fuck do you mean Ian is gone? WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?"

"I don't know. He said he was going to the mailbox and then never came back. He has Yev with him."

"How long ago was this?"

"A couple hours," Ryan says.

"A couple—and you're just now fucking telling me? Give me your phone."

I have Ian's number memorized. I could recite it backwards.

"Won't do. He didn't take his phone." I throw Ryan's phone against the wall and it shatters. "What the fuck? I used three pay checks to buy that. You're an asshole."

"Shut the fuck up."

I leave. I have to find Ian. The first place is go is home. Ian's not there. I search every fucking room twice. I go to the Gallagher house. I knock. No answer. I knock again. No answer. _I'm getting fucking tired of this bull shit._ I try to pick the lock but my hands are shaking so bad I can't so I do the next best thing. I use all my weight to knock the fucking door down.

"What the fuck, Mickey?" Fiona asks.

"You didn't answer the door."

"I thought you were Frank. I hoped you'd go away."

"Fuck. I'M NOT FUCKING FRANK. FUCKING ANSWER YOUR FUCKING DOOR!"

"Why are you shouting?"

"Is Ian here?"

"No. I haven't seen him since yesterday."

"FUCK!"

"Is he missing?"

"Would I break down your fucking door if he wasn't?"

"I'll call Carl and Debbie and tell them to start looking. Where did you last see him?"

"At home this morning. He has Yevgeny with him. Ryan said Ian went to the mailbox and disappeared. He doesn't have his phone with him."

"Calm down," Fiona is rubbing my arm as she rapidly calls someone on her phone. The next moment Officer Tony comes in and so does Veronica. "V, I need you to watch Liam. Tony, I need your help."

"Mickey, where have you looked for Ian?" Tony asks.

"Here and my house. I'm on my way to check a few places though."

I don't linger. I leave the Gallagher house the second Fiona suggests I team up with Tony. Fuck no. I ain't working with no fucking cop especially not one who's ass Ian likes.

I go to the Kash 'N' Grab. Linda hasn't seen Ian. He hasn't been in. I go to our Wendy's. He hasn't been in. I go to the club. He's not there. I stop in the middle of the street and try to think. Where would Ian go?

_Our spot._ I break into a run. _I need to quit smoking._ The abandoned buildings. There is wrecking equipment outside. They're going to demolish them after years. I frantically begin searching and hollering Ian's name. No answer. No sight of Ian. He's not here.

I go to the little league field. He's not at the dugout. I go to our favorite sets of broken down cars under the L, Ian's not there. I'm losing my fucking mind. A cop call pulls up. Tony gets out. He walks over to me.

"We found him," Tony says.

"Where?"

"He was taking Yev to meet a friend of his on the north side, some older guy named Ned or something."

_Jesus, Ian. What the fuck?_ I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Where is he now?" I ask.

"He's at the Gallagher house with your son. I figured that was the best place for him. He's still a minor so we returned him to Fiona. She's his legal guardian. Your wife is illegal, and I'm not one to report someone with kids, so I wanted to contact you to claim your child."

"Fuck," I say. I should thank Tony, but I don't have it in me. He takes me back to the Gallagher house. I run inside and throw myself in Ian's arms. He wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the chin.

"What's wrong, Mickey?"

"Where the fuck—I've been worried—Fuck off," I tell him.

"I'm fine."

"You scared us to death," Fiona says.

"You have nothing to worry about. Why does everyone act like I'm a child? I'm not. I'm seventeen and I can go places and visit people on my own."

"Ian," Fiona says, "We thought you pulled a Monica."

"I'm not Monica. I'm not bipolar. Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Ian," I say.

"I'm not crazy," Ian says.

I look at Fiona. She looks at V, everyone is looking at everyone except Ian. I kiss Ian on the top of his head. _I wish I knew what was going on in that brain of yours._ I kiss him again. He leans against me.

"You believe me, don't you?" Ian asks me.

"I believe you're not crazy," I tell him. _But I don't believe you're okay. I don't believe you're not whatever the fuck bipolar is. I know you're not crazy._ "I'm going to take you home."

"This is his home," Fiona says, "He is better off here."

"Why? So you can lock him up so he can't get out or ship him off to some fucking nut house? No fucking way."

"I'm not crazy," Ian repeats in a voice so innocent my heart breaks.

"He's coming home with me," I tell her, "Or I'm staying here too."

"Fine. You can stay too. You can sleep in Lip's room until we put Ian's bed back together."

"Are you sure about this?" Ian asks.

"I go where you go," I tell him and give him a kiss in front of everyone.

_He's not going anywhere without me._

 


	67. Accidents Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is trying to make a sandwich and cuts himself.

I cut my wrist while slicing a sandwich. I didn't do it on purpose, but everyone freaks out, mostly Mickey who screamed at three nurses, security, and two doctors about getting to be with me while they stitched me up. They wouldn't let him because he's not family.

I had just finished making the most delicious looking sandwich and was going to cut it to make it easier to eat and the first knife I tried was dull. So I tried another, granted it was a bigger knife, but I thought it would cut the massive sandwich better. I had no idea I would slip and cut my arm open right as Carl and Debbie were walking in the door.

"There now, all stitched up," says the doctor, "You're going to have a nasty scar there."

"That's okay," I say. He wraps my arm and sticks a smiley face sticker on it. I smile at him. I look at Fiona and Lip who are not smiling and are not happy. The doctor leaves and Fiona slaps me in the back of my head.

"What the fuck were you thinking, Ian? Who uses a fucking butcher knife to slice a turkey sandwich?"

"It was an accident," I remind her.

"We'll just have to keep a closer eye on him," Lip says as if I'm not in the room. They start talking over me about 'how to handle me' and 'what to do about me' as if there is something wrong with me. "We shouldn't leave him alone, and definitely not leave him with Liam."

"What about Yev?" Fiona asks.

"He's Mickey's kid. I for one don't give a shit, but that's Mickey's call," says Lip.

"I'm going to have to quit my job," Fiona says, "Maybe he can stay and help V while I'm at work during the day. That could work. She could use an extra hand."

"Do we really want him around children though?" Lip asks. I stand up. They either remember I'm in the room or it suddenly dawns on them.

"I am fine. It was an accident. Fiona's cut herself in the kitchen before. Carl poisoned Cousin Patrick, Debbie beat Frank with a pillow case full of soap, yet I cut myself one time and everyone freaks out."

"Ian, we're worried about you."

"I'M GOING IN THERE!" I hear Mickey's voice.

"I will call security."

"FUCK OFF, LADY!" Mickey says, he opens the door and walks in. He pays no attention to Fiona and Lip. He just hugs me. "Are you alright?"

"Miss Gallagher, I'm sorry, he just barged in," the nurse tells Fiona.

"It's okay," Fiona says giving me a concerned look.

"He's my boyfriend," I tell the nurse, "That makes him family."

"I told her that five fucking times," Mickey says,

"We need to do something," Lip says, "I can't worry about Ian and go to school."

"You don't need to worry about me," I tell Lip.

"Ian, please stop talking, I am really fucking mad right now and I don't want to hear your whiny bull shit."

"He's not whining, you are, and I can take care of him. It's her who insisted we stay at your fucking house."

"You're the one who won't let us get him help," Fiona shouts at Mickey.

"Because we're his family. We're supposed to help him."

"We're not equipped to help Ian. I blame you for this," Fiona says pointing at me. The three of them start arguing over each other. Lip and Fiona are ganging up on Mickey in the argument, but Mickey is able to hold his own.

I get up and walk out. I'm tired of listening to them. Yev is asleep in Debbie's arms. I bend down to stroke his head. Debbie hands Yev off to Carl as she stands up to hug me. He hands the baby back to her when it's his turn to hug me.

"They're really mad," Carl says, "What are they screaming about?"

"Me, I think," I say, "You guys want to get something to eat?"

Carl and Debbie nod. The three of us take Yev to the second floor to the cafeteria. We put our money together to buy ourselves lunch. It's not the best but it helps. I hold Yev and eat with one hand. Yev gurgles on my shoulder. Debbie smiles at him.

"He's cute," Debbie says.

"Are you sure he's Mickey's? I bet his first word will be fuck," Carl says, laughing.

"Most likely," I say. Debbie opens my mustard packets since I can't do it with one hand. I thank her and cover my cheese burger with mustard. I get ready to take a bite when Mickey, Lip, and Fiona show up.

"Fucking food here is ridiculous," Lip says putting his plate on the table.

"How'd you find us?" Carl asks.

"Gallaghers always tend to migrate to a food source in times like this," Lip says.

"How's your arm?" Mickey asks me as he slides in beside me. I scoot over and try not to wake Yev. Mickey ignores him. I won't force it. Mickey will come around to Yev in his own time and in his own way.

"Better."

"Be more careful," Mickey says. He puts his hand on the back of my head and kisses me on the cheek in front of everyone. Fiona and Debbie are smiling really wide, and Lip is rolling his eyes.

"So who's wiener goes in who's ass?" Carl asks. I nearly choke on my burger.

"Carl!" Fiona says.

"We're all thinking it," Carl says.

"Ian's taller," Debbie says, "Physically it would make more sense for Ian to be the top, however, Mickey seems to be the more dominant partner, so really it could go either way."

"Debbie," says Lip.

"I think it's important to give them some privacy," says Fiona.

Mickey releases the breath he was holding. I rub his shoulder. Mickey and I sit together the whole ride back to the house. I call in to work. I shouldn't dance with my hand like this, it's really unflattering.

Instead I stay home while Mickey takes Yev back to his house for the night. He brings back a pillowcase full of his clothes. He slides down on the couch beside me and puts his arm around me. Kev is sitting in the arm chair holding one of his twins and staring at the television. He smiles at us.

"Why is he here?" Mickey asks.

"He had a fight with V," I whisper, "Lip's also here so you and I are back with Carl. Lip and I put the bunk beds back together. I'm in my old bed. We'll have to snuggle. I know how much you hate that," I tease.

"Fuck off. Is this a fucking Van Damme movie?" Mickey asks.

"What's wrong with Van Damme?" Kev asks.

"Everything," Mickey says.

"What do you see in him?" Kev asks me.

I look at Mickey. He doesn't like it when I stare at him too much, but I can't help it. _He's so beautiful._ I like Mickey's eyes. He has beautiful eyes. "What the fuck are you staring at?" Mickey asks, just like I knew he would.

"You."

Kev crashing on our couch after Fiona takes Amy back to Veronica. I have no idea what Kev and V fought about but it worries me. I mean, if they can't make it work what chance do Mickey and I have? Kev and V have been together forever.

I lie beneath Mickey's arms. His butt is against my wall and his head is on my shoulder, but he his hand is holding mine. He's breathing into my neck. "Were you trying to kill yourself?" Mickey whispers.

"No," I answer.

"Promise me you won't," Mickey says.

"What?"

"Fucking promise," Mickey says squeezing my hand a little too tight.

"Mick," I say.

"I swear to fucking God," Mickey growls.

"I promise," I tell Mickey. I turn my head slightly to meet his lips in a kiss. Mickey gives me an extra peck before he nods off. I don't know how long I sleep, but it isn't very long. I am up and gathering everyone's clothes. I do four loads of laundry, wash all the dishes, read every magazine I can find, jerk off in the bathroom, work out, play X-Box, pick up Liam's toys, and throw a blanket over Kev.

"Ian," says Mickey sleepily. He runs into the wall from his eyes being adjusted to being awake. He nearly stumbles down the stairs. I catch him. "What the fuck are you doing up?"

"I can't sleep," I tell him, "Go back to bed."

"Come with me," Mickey says sleepily. He let's out a big yawn. I take Mickey by the hand and help him up the stairs. The second we get upstairs he pulls me into his arms and down into the bed, where he goes instantly back to sleep. I snuggle into him. Maybe listening to his breathing will help me fall asleep.

Mickey isn't beside me when I wake up; instead I am startled by Carl and Liam staring at me. Carl smiles and puts Liam on the floor. "Don't go downstairs, Mickey, Lip, and Fiona are arguing."

"What about?"

"You," Carl says, "We can listen from the stairs."

I nod. I pick up Liam and we walk as slowly and quietly as we can to the stairs and sit at the top to listen to them arguing. Carl's right it is about me. Mickey's voice is not surprisingly the loudest. Every third word he drops is "fuck" or "Fuck" related. I can almost picture him turning red and pointing his "f" finger at Lip.

"HE'S NOT FUCKING CRAZY!" Mickey says.

"He fucking cut himself, Mickey, what's next? You have never seen this before, but we have. We saw Monica go from being happy one minute and fucking depressed the next. Did you know Ian watched her cut her fucking wrist? Right here in the kitchen," Lip says.

"He's not Monica."

"Yes he is."

"Do you hear yourself? He's your fucking brother."

"Oh, and like you were there for Mandy when her douche bag boyfriend used her as a punching bag," Lip says.

"I nearly fucking killed him," Mickey says.

"Have you ever hit Ian?" Fiona asks.

_Yes. Once._

Mickey hesitates. I can almost see the smug look on Lip's face. He knows the answer to this question. He knows the truth. "Yes," Mickey responds.

"Often," Fiona asks.

"Once," Mickey's voice cracks. "He confronted me about marrying Svetlana and I beat the shit out of him. I thought it might make him hate me so he'd move on."

"That's why he was depressed and drunk off his ass when you when on your camping trip," Lip says.

I can't listen to this anymore. I kiss Liam on his head and leave him at the top of the stairs. I start to walk down them. Mickey is the only one who doesn't look at me. I'm not sure he can. He instead walks out the back door. The yelling and everything has woken up Kev and Debbie who are watching from the living room.

"Ian," says Fiona wiping a tear from her eye. "How many times has Mickey hit you?"

"Once," I tell her.

"You don't have to lie for him."

"I'm not lying. Mickey's a good person."

"Ian, I watched the shit he put you through for two years. I picked up the pieces. You expect me to believe that guy is a good person," Lip says.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," I tell Lip. I walk out the door. Fiona yells after me to put on shoes. I don't listen. I chase Mickey down the street. It's not long before I catch up with him. He hasn't gone far. It looks like he's walking back to his house.

"Are we over?" I ask.

Mickey doesn't answer. He stops walking though. He still won't look at me. I watch him wipe his eyes. He's trying so hard not to cry.

"I hurt you," Mickey says.

"That past is in the past," I tell Mickey.

"I'll never fucking hurt you again," Mickey says. He's looking at me now. He's giving me a hard, blazing look. Mickey takes a step close to me. He puts a hand on the back of my head and pulls me down for a kiss. When it's over he stares into my eyes. "My word is my fucking bond. I will never hit you again. Ever."

"It was one time," I tell Mickey.

"Ever," Mickey repeats, "If anyone fucking touches you I want you to fight the fuck back and then I want you to tell me, because no matter where I fucking am or what I'm fucking doing I will have your back. No one, including me, will ever lay a fucking finger on you ever again."

"Frank?" I ask.

"What the fuck did I just say? Where are you fucking shoes?" Mickey asks finally looking down. He turns me around and frog marches me back to my house. Fiona and Lip start in on Mickey again. I roll my eyes. I get I should get used to this. I shouldn't have expected them to get along.

"I'm hungry," Carl says.

"Let's go over to Sheila's and get something to eat, we can let them sort it out," says Debbie, pulling out her phone to call Sheila.

"Where are you going?" Kev asks.

"Sheila's for breakfast," says Carl.

Kev tags along. The three arguing in the kitchen barely notice us leaving, Mickey does. He nods at me. I nod back. He doesn't follow me. He stands his ground against Lip and Fiona. I pick up Liam and we pile in Kev's truck.

"Are you okay?" Kev asks me.

"Yeah," I say.

"Good," Kev says, putting his hand on my back.

 


	68. Finding It's Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey is frightened of Ian's behavior.

I am forced awake in the middle of the night by Carl Gallagher. He's kicking me with his foot. I roll over. Ian's not in my bed and my suddenly I feel sick to my stomach. _This is about Ian, isn't it?_ I sit up slowly and adjust my eyes.

"What the fuck?" I ask.

"Something's wrong with Ian," Carl says.

"I fucking know," I say.

"No, I mean, right now. He's…just come with me," Carl says.

Ian is in kitchen frantically smashing all the food. The fridge and cabinet doors are wide open. Ian is holding a hammer and has various blunt objects arranged on the counter top. He has a strange look on his face.

"Ian," I say slowly, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"The food is bad. We can't eat it."

"Ian, the food is fine, we ate it for dinner."

"No. It's got something wrong with it," Ian says.

"I'm getting Lip," Carl says.

"Ian," I say putting my hand on his back. He pours Fiona's stew in the sink and moves on to the frozen meat in the freezer. "Why do you think the food is bad?"

Ian doesn't answer, but I think I hear him mumble something about someone coming in the house and poisoning the food. I try to get him to drop the hammer but he won't. He elbows me in the stomach.

Kev (Who's still crashing in the Gallagher house) and Lip restrain Ian while Fiona begins to clean up his mess. V comes running with a baby on each hip. Everyone in the house is awake apparently. I have only seen that look in Ian's eye once and that was when he almost stabbed Kenyatta.

"Hide the knives and anything sharp," Fiona orders Debbie, "Carl, put your weapons and your stash away. V, go through Ian's stuff and make sure he doesn't have any drugs hidden."

"No fucking way. You're not invading his privacy." I have to put my foot down. They're not doing that to Ian. Not on my fucking watch.

"Stay out of this, Mickey."

"Let go of me," Ian says struggling to get lose. He punches Kev in the throat the way he had done me that time I beat the shit out of the geriatric he had been fucking. Kev let's go of Ian and starts choking. Ian punches Lip and gets free. He comes to stand next to me. I can see him shaking. That look is still in his eye.

"Ian, you have to get help," Fiona says sounding defeated.

"There's nothing wrong with me," Ian insists. My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it in my head. I'm shaking now. _This is fucked up. Ian is fucked up. No, Ian's not fucked up. Ian is broken._

"Let's take him to that place where Monica was," Lip says, "We can take him right now."

"Whoa, whoa, wait," I say, "You're taking him away?"

"He needs help, Mickey," Fiona says.

I look at the faces of all the Gallaghers. They seem to agree. They want to send Ian away like he's nothing. They want to let someone else handle it. They're giving up on him. Ian looks confused and hurt and scared. _They're not taking him._

"No. No. Let me take him back to my house. He did better there. You'll see."

"Take these," Lip says tossing a pill bottle at Ian. He doesn't catch it. I bend over to pick it up. Lithium. They're giving him someone else's meds. Who the fuck knows what this will do to him?

"There's nothing wrong with me," Ian insists, but his voice sounds uncertain. He's shaking harder than ever.

"I get a fucking say in this too," I say once again bringing up the fucking argument that has never been settled. I am sick and fucking tired of having this same fucking argument, but we have never settled anything.

Sometime when I was talking Ian had gone upstairs. No one noticed. He's been doing that a lot lately, sneaking out. I want to run up after him, hold him, fucking _love_ him, but my feet won't move. Debbie, Carl, and Lip all go up. Kev and V return to their home. Kev apologizes. I think he's tired of the drama. I don't fucking blame him.

"Your heart is in the right place, Mickey," Fiona says, "But I still don't trust you."

"Can I take him to my home?"

"Yes. We'll keep his bed this time and you both are welcome anytime, but I don't want a call in the middle of the night telling me he ran off again or did something crazy like tonight."

"He's not crazy."

"He's bipolar, there's a difference, but right now I want to stabilize my little brother. There was a time when Ian was my rock. He was the stable one in the family. I don't know what happened."

_I happened. This is my fault._

"Is there a cure?" I ask.

"For bipolar? No. It's a mental disease, Mickey. It can't be cured. It can be treated. If you want to know more about it I suggest you read about it."

"Are you ready to go?" Ian asks from the stairs. He's carrying his bags and mine. Lip doesn't look happy.

"You're seriously letting him go?" Lip asks Fiona.

"For now," says Fiona embracing Ian. That's what he needs. He needs her to love him. He needs reassurance that his family loves him. I can't give him that.

"Are we still going to the zoo?" Ian asks.

"Yeah, it's supposed to be seventy this weekend," says Lip.

Ian and I hold hands on the walk back to my place. I'm not fucking letting go. He feels like he's calming down some. We don't speak much, except when I light a cigarette and he asks for one. He's probably fucking stressed, I don't blame him for wanting to pick it up again, but I don't let him have it. He quit.

Ryan is sitting on the couch in his boxers eating Cheetos and playing videogames with Iggy when we come in. Mandy is still up doing the dishes.

"Where've you been?" Svetlana asks. She's wearing her robe. Her hair is still fucking red from when she dyed it to get me to like her more.

"Where he belongs," Ryan answers.

"I'm going to bed," says Ian. He doesn't kiss me or look at me. He just walks like a fucking zombie to my bedroom and shuts the door.

"What's wrong with him?" Ryan asks.

"How the fuck should I know?"

"Fiona kicked you out didn't she?" Iggy asks.

"No. We left. Ian kind of lost his shit," I say drinking half the beer at once.

"What?"

"He destroyed all the food in the fucking house claiming it was poisoned or some shit."

Now they're staring at me. Ryan drops his Cheetos.

"That's some crazy shit. Get out while you still can," says Iggy. I pick up the empty beer bottle and nearly hit him with it. Ryan and Mandy stop me.

"He's not crazy."

"Sorry," says Iggy.

Ian is making breakfast and dancing like nothing ever happened. He is wearing his running pants. He must have already gone for his run this morning. Ian kisses me and returns to breakfast. Kenyatta is sitting at the table reading the newspaper. I want more than anything to take a knife and jam it in his fucking eye. Ryan said Kenyatta and Mandy were arguing a lot yesterday.

"I am going back to work tonight," says Ian putting a plate of eggs in front of me. He pours me some coffee and starts cooking for Mandy.

"Where the fuck is my breakfast?" Kenyatta asks Ian.

Ian flips him off. I smirk. _That's my Ian._

"Bitch," Kenyatta says as he stands up. I am on my feet faster than I have ever moved in my life. Kenyatta swings at Ian, and I pull a gun on him. Kenyatta stops.

"That's what I fucking thought," I say pulling the clip out to make sure it's loaded. I point it back at him. "Try that again."

"You should keep your bitch in line," Kenyatta says.

Ian mimes stabbing Kenyatta behind his back. I try not to smile, but I can't help it. I put the gun in front of me and sit down at the table to resume my breakfast. When Mandy comes in Ian gives her a plate and drops one in front of Kenyatta.

"Don't get use to it," says Ian as he sits down beside me.

"You gonna say thank you," I ask Kenyatta.

Kenyatta doesn't. I put my hand on my gun. He looks at Ian and smiles. I accept that as a thank you. Ian's breakfast is good. He must have learned to cook from Fiona.

"Smells good," says Svetlana and Nika together.

"There's more on the stove," says Ian.

"No thank you," says Svetlana, "I feed baby."

"I already fed and changed him and put him back to bed," says Ian.

"What fucking time did you get up?" I ask.

"Five," says Ian.

"You didn't get to bed until we got back," I say. _Not these fucking sleepless nights again. Last time that ended with him in bed for two weeks._

"Food is good, you eat," says Nika kissing Svetlana.

"I'm not eating anything he cooks."

"Don't take it personally, Ian," says Mandy.

"Did I fucking say you could talk to him?" Kenyatta asks, "I don't care if he is a fucking queen I don't like you talking to other men."

"Mickey," says Ian slowly, "Mickey, don't react."

"Get the fuck out of my house," I tell Kenyatta. He may be bigger than me, but he's no fucking match. I don't need my fucking gun to kill this motherfucker. He insulted my sister and my lover. I want this fucker dead.

Kenyatta starts laughing. Mandy and Ian move away from the table. Kenyatta grabs Mandy by her hair. I break his fucking hand by crushing the bones. He hollers in pain, but he releases Mandy.

"Touch my sister lose a hand, those are the fucking rules. Svetlana, eat the breakfast Ian spent time making or get the fuck out. Mandy, kick some fucking ass. You're a Milkovich, act like it."

I've said my peace. I sit back down. Ian takes my hand and smiles at me. I lean over and kiss him on the cheek which actually makes him blush a little. The dimple that forms in his cheek makes me blush.

"You broke my hand," Kenyatta screams.

Mandy leaves the table. Kenyatta watches her.

"Don't even fucking think about it."

Ian dresses the baby. He is bringing him along on our date today. We're having our date in the middle of the day because Ian is going back to work tonight. He dresses up in form-fitting jeans that make his ass look fucking amazing. I slap his ass. He tries to chase me around the house. I don't let him catch me right away. I sneak up behind him and slap it again. Ian catches me and throws me down on the couch and climbs on top of me.

"It's not fair, you're not ticklish," Ian says slowly grinding against my groin.

"No, but you are," I say as I begin to tickle him. I gain control and pin him back against the couch. I tickle him into submission. Ian goes weak from laughter and exhaustion. I kiss him and get up.

"You're a dick," Ian says.

"You ready to go?" I ask smiling at him.

Ian nods vigorously. He puts Yev in his stroller and grabs the baby bag and several bottles of formula. We leave the house together. I help him get the stroller down the steps.

"I've been thinking," Ian starts.

"Don't hurt yourself," I say.

"I've been thinking about you," Ian says.

"What about me?" My heart lodges in my throat. _Is he about to break up with me?_

"We've been through a lot," Ian says.

"Yeah, you could say that," I say, "What brought this on?" _You have a lot of thoughts in that pretty head of yours._

"I was just thinking about how much better Mandy would have been if Lip hadn't tossed her out. He wouldn't have hit her. Then it made me think of you. I was never in love with Kash. He was in love with me, though. It wasn't really a healthy relationship, but he never hit me. Then there was Ned. I didn't love him either. He was nice. He never took a swing at me. Then there's you. You hit me once, to make me stop loving you, and my family acts like it's the worst thing. I mean, they didn't see Mandy this morning."

All I take from that is "loving you." Ian loves me. Ian fucking loves me. I can't hide the smile forming on my face right now. _Ian Gallagher loves me. Holy Fuck. Get a fucking grip._ But I can't. I walk a little closer to Ian.

"Mandy is worth more than she gets," I say.

"So are you," Ian says, "Soon my family will love you too."

_He fucking loves me._

"We stop at Kash 'N' Grab and I buy Ian some candy and a flower. Ryan's working today. He won't stop teasing me. Linda rolls her eyes. "It's boring here with fat ass. I miss the two you and your softcore porn."

"I've heard them have sex, nothing soft about it," says Ryan winking at me.

I flip him off.

"Can we go to the park?" Ian asks.

"I'm fucking hungry. Food first," I tell Ian. He nods.

_He loves me._

 


	69. Don't Tell Mickey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenyatta hits Ian.

Mickey has gone to work today. He needs to spend more time there even though he wants to spend that time with me. He has _her_ nagging him to be there. I am home with Yev, Mandy, Ryan, and Kenyatta. I am ironing Mickey's shirts while Ryan watches Yev at the table.

Mandy and Kenyatta are screaming at each other and Yev won't stop crying. I hear something break and suddenly Mandy is running from the room with blood gushing from her nose. Kenyatta grabs her by the arm.

"Come back here, I ain't done with you, bitch," Kenyatta says throwing Mandy into a wall with all his strength. She throws the phone in the hallway at him. He punches her. I don't know at which point I jumped in to defend her, but it happens.

"Mickey ain't here to protect his bitch," Kenyatta says after he decks me. I fight back, but he kicks me in the stomach. He takes me by my sore arm and twists it as hard as he could before finally punching me in the face and the chest more than once. "Stay the fuck out of it."

Kenyatta leaves for the day to do whatever the fuck it is he does every day. I help Mandy up. She is shaking. I want to hug her, but she won't let me. She gets a towel for my nose which is gushing blood.

"Don't tell Mickey," Mandy says.

"Same," I say.

Ryan tries to doctor up my face the best he can, but there is no denying the bruises on my chest, arms, and stomach. I'm supposed to have lunch with Fiona today; she's going to think Mickey beat me up. She already thinks he abuses me.

"Well, that's as good as I can do," Ryan says holding up a mirror.

"How the fuck did you do this?" I ask looking at my reflection. He put enough eye liner on me for me to pass as a rock star, but it hides some of the bruising, but none of the swelling.

"My step-dad used to beat my mom," says Ryan.

"Think Fiona will notice?"

"Do you usually wear eye liner at lunch with your family?"

"No."

"Then yeah, she'll probably notice. Look, just tell Fiona the truth, and whatever the fuck you do avoid Mickey like the plague."

That's not so easy. I leave Yev in Ryan's capable hands. Fiona is expecting me and I don't want to be late. She has the house to herself today. The kids are at school and Lip is probably out committing a crime or doing some new girl.

Fiona has dressed up for our "date". She looks pretty. Fiona kept lunch simple, spaghetti and meatballs. I love it.

"You're wearing more eye liner than me. You look hot," Fiona says.

"Thanks, Mickey doesn't like it."

_She hasn't noticed…yet._

"Of course he doesn't. So, I have a date tonight. He's one of my regulars at the diner. I like him, but I don't think it'll go very far. I don't really need a rebound after Mike."

Liam comes downstairs after his nap. Fiona makes a place for him at the table.

"Ian," Liam says.

"Hi, buddy. So what's he like?"

"Normal. I mean, he has an actual job."

"That's not really what you're into."

"No, but it's what I need."

"This is good," I compliment Fiona. I get second helpings. Fiona stops eating after her second plate, but I keep going. She made enough for six people, that's what she is used to. She doesn't know how to cook for herself or for two people.

"Hungry, Ian?" Fiona asks.

"Yes, and I don't know why. It's so good."

"Ian, why is your face swollen?" Fiona asks. _Shit._

"It's nothing."

"If Mickey hit you I'll kick his ass," Fiona says.

"He didn't. It was Kenyatta. I was defending Mandy. He beat the shit out of me."

"He is still hitting her?" Fiona asks, "Jesus. How bad does she look?"

"Awful. Why do people stay in abusive relationships? Mandy could do so much better."

"She's been around abuse her whole life. It's all she knows."

After lunch, Fiona and I talk some more as we clean up. We get a lot of things cleared up. She asks me about how everything with Mickey started and why I kept going back after he rejected me. She listens intently as I answer all of her questions.

"Is the sex good?" Fiona asks over a cup of coffee. We're sitting on the couch. Liam is playing on the floor. Fiona has her legs thrown over my lap. It's nice being here like this together.

"It's fucking great," I say with a smile.

"Yeah? So not to bring up Carl's question but who's the bottom?"

I don't answer but I give her a sly smile. Her jaw drops, but turns into a smile.

"You're kidding?"

"Nope."

"Why? I mean, is it because he's shorter?"

"I really don't want to talk about this. Mickey wouldn't appreciate me talking about this."

I don't stay very much longer at my house. I kiss Liam and Fiona good-bye and make my way back. Mickey is coming down the street. I take a wide turn to go a different way to avoid him before he sees me. I guess it's not a good time to go home yet.

I go to the Kash N Grab where the door is locked. I sneak in the back. Kash used to leave it unlocked for me. Linda and Kash are there arguing right now. I stand in between the cooler and the back room and listen to them yell at each other. They haven't noticed me yet.

"You're a goddamn piece of shit, and if you for once think I am letting you back into my life you're the biggest idiot I have ever met," Linda says sounding on the verge of tears.

"I am broke, I was dumped, I got shot multiple times, please just give me a place to stay."

"Absolutely not, Kash. You made your choice. I converted for you. I am a white Muslim; do you know what it's like?"

"Ian," says Kash finally noticing me. I feel standing here like this.

"Can I get something for you, Ian?"

"I'm hiding from Mickey. I got in a fight with Mandy's boyfriend and if Mickey finds out I can't even begin to think of what he'll do."

"You can hide here for a while," says Linda.

"Thanks, want me to throw him out?"

"Ian," says Kash softly. He tries to touch me but I back away. I don't want to be touched by him. "You're so beautiful." I see Mickey outside the window and quickly find a place to hide so he doesn't see me.

"Got any _Reese's Pieces_ in stock?" Mickey asks.

"Don't I always?" Linda asks wiping her eyes.

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing," Linda says. I can't see anything from my hiding spot, but I know Mickey. He's probably checking his surroundings. He always does that.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" Mickey asks.

"This piece of shit came crawling back, can you believe it?" Linda asks.

"Stay the fuck away from Ian and we won't have a problem," Mickey says, "Got any flowers? Linda, you're into this type of shit. I wanted to get something for Ian when I save up my money. Would you help me?"

"Sure," Linda says, "I have daisies, will those work today?"

"I guess. I don't really know."

_What does Mickey want to get for me? Is it a ring? It can't be he's already married._

"Thanks," Mickey mumbles out before he leaves. I come out of my hiding spot and probe Linda for information on what she's helping Mickey pick out for me.

"I'm not going to say," Linda says.

I linger around the store and out of habit start cleaning up and putting things away. Kash follows me around like a shadow. When he corners me he touches my shoulders and presses his lips to my neck. I push him off me.

"No."

"You used to love it when I did this," Kash says touching my chest. I elbow him in the stomach.

"Get off me."

I leave. I need to find a new hiding place. Kash chases me into the street and begs me to take him back. "Fuck off, Kash," I say.

I walk away. I stop outside a bookstore a peek in. _Mickey?_ Why would Mickey go in a book store? "Ian?" says Mickey on his way out. He has stuff in bags. It looks like he took half-a-day at the Alibi then went shopping.

"Hi," I say, not looking at Mickey.

"What happened to your fucking eye?" Mickey asks. He grabs me by the shoulder and spins me around to face him. He notices they're both swollen. "What the fuck? Who did this?" When I don't answer Mickey lightly shoves me and I wince from him touching the bruises on my chest. "The chest too. Who the fuck did it, Ian?"

"I was defending Mandy. She shouldn't be with that guy."

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

And I can't talk to Mickey right now. He barely hears me. He marches home where Kenyatta is sitting at the table while Mandy cooks for him. Everyone is home. Mickey slaps Kenyatta on the shoulder.

"You touch him?"

Kenyatta smirks. _Bad move._ Mickey knocks him out of his chair and pins him to the ground. Kenyatta could get up if he tried. He's a lot bigger than Mickey, but Mickey is the better fighter. Mickey punches him over and over. He's not letting up and no one is stopping him. Mickey's punches and fighting gets more violent with each hit.

"Mickey, you're going to kill him," Mandy yells. And she's right. Kenyatta is losing consciousness. Finally, Ryan pulls Mickey off Kenyatta. He's barely breathing. When he does breathe he sounds weak and chopped.

Mickey wipes the blood off his hands and pulls me in for a possessive kiss. He wraps his arms around me entirely, and I deepen the kiss. When it's over Mickey gives me the three daisies and the box of candy. I kiss him on the cheek.

"Get the fuck out of my house. You touch Ian again and I won't just beat you within an inch of your life. I'll fucking kill you. You touch my sister again and I'll get my fucking brothers and my cousins and we'll kill you. You have until sunset to get your shit and get the fuck out of my house."

Tonight, Mickey comes to the club to watch me dance. He acts the part of half-body guard half-jealous boyfriend. Any guy who gets too close must face up to Mickey and he almost broke some guy's hand again. I get a break from dancing and Mickey gets a little grabby.

"You should wear these fucking shorts home," Mickey says sliding his fingers from the bottom of my thigh to the part of my leg that meets my crotch; he's doing this over and over very slowly. I straddle him as I kiss him. His hands are firmly gripping my ass and I am grinding against him. I feel him get hard. The make out session gets steamier and Mickey and I find ourselves in the bathroom going at it hard and fast. "Please wear them home." I bite Mickey hard and he comes all over the floor of the bathroom. I finish too and lean against him.

"Is this a fucking porno that I'm missing?" asked some guy outside the stall.

"Fuck off," Mickey says.

"You two must fuck like porn stars," says the man.

"I take that a compliment," I whisper in Mickey's ear before groping him again. He begs me for it. We go at it again. I know that guy is still listening, but it doesn't bother me as much as it does Mickey who threatens him.

"There is a fucking porno in here," He starts telling people outside the bathroom in his big, queen-y voice. "It's turning me on."

"I can't do this," Mickey says after the second time.

"But I'm having so much fun," I tell Mickey and I make it worth a third round by rubbing my leg against him again.

Mickey and I do our fourth round in the back of the uber on the ride home. The driver is less than thrilled, but he's getting paid a lot to do this so who cares. At Mickey's house we end up just spooning for the rest of the night. I'm worn out from work and having fun time with Mickey.

"I can't wait until we go to the zoo tomorrow," I tell Mickey who is kissing the freckles on my shoulder. "A real date."

"We go on real dates all the time," Mickey says.

"Not like this," I tell him, "Not where I get to boast about having a sexy boyfriend."

"Sexy? We should have your eyes checked. I'm the one with the sexy boyfriend," Mickey says. _He thinks I'm sexy?_

"I saw Kash today," I tell Mickey. _Should I ask about the gift he wants to get me?_

"Did he touch you?"

"Yeah. I told him to fuck off."

"Good," Mickey kisses me on the arm. He snuggles into me and goes to sleep. I stay awake and listen to him breathing for a while.

 


	70. the Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter, but a fun one. Ian and Mickey go to the zoo.

Ian has been looking forward to this trip to the zoo and today his mood level is about that of a five-year-old who gets to go to fucking Disney for the first time. Not that I've ever been, but that's how Ian's been acting.

He only slept maybe two hours last night. That's usual for him in this time of whatever the hell is going on with him. Ian made breakfast. Now he's picking out what he wants me to wear. The forecast calls for the weather to be clear and in the 70's today.

"You own a lot of black," says Ian, "and tank tops. I need to take you shopping."

"Just pick something," I say sitting on my bed with a towel around my waist.

"This," Ian says handing me a blue shirt that I didn't even know I had. I tilt my head and look at him. He's grinning. _He's so fucking happy._ "Fine."

"You'll look hot. I want everyone to be jealous of me. I have the hottest boyfriend," Ian says smacking me on the ass on his way to the bathroom.

"Yeah, okay, Tough Guy, you just take your shower now."

"Aw, he thinks you're hot," says Ryan who comes in holding the fucking baby. "You do have a great ass."

I flip him off as I put on the jeans Ian picked out. They're the jeans I wore the night I found him in the club and brought him home. That seems so long ago. "I hate the fucking zoo."

"So why are you going?"

"It makes him happy. He's either fucking happy or fucking depressed and I don't want him depressed. His moods flick on and off like a fucking light switch. I can't keep up with him."

"But you won't take him to the clinic?"

I don't respond. I'm halfway into pulling my shirt over my head. I've been considering it, just to see what's wrong. I don't want him to have to stay anyway. If it's just a day visit I'll take him. I'm not leaving him overnight.

"Holy shit, you're thinking about it," Ryan says.

"Don't tell Ian, okay. I haven't made up my mind completely yet."

I sit on the edge of my bed. I can faintly hear Ian excitedly tell Nikka and Svetlana about going to the zoo today. He's speaking too quickly and too loudly. I sigh. I fumble with lighting a cigarette. Ryan sits down beside me. It reminds me of the times we would talk in juvie. He made me first realize I had feelings for Ian, now Ryan's somehow become my fucking best friend, aside from Ian that is.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asks.

"No. I'm not okay when he's not okay."

"Holy fuck. I hope I can love someone that deeply someday. You're in this for good."

"I'm fucked for life."

"Are you happy?" Ryan asks me.

"Yeah, I fucking am. Well, I'm happy when I'm worried what the fuck Ian is getting himself into when I'm not with him or if he's alive or if he's even awake. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but most of the time, yeah I'm fucking happy."

"Let me know what you decide," Ryan says, "I'll support your decision no matter what."

"Thanks. I'm going to talk to Fiona tomorrow."

"Isn't Lip going with you?"

"Fuck Lip."

"Mickey," Ian says from outside the door. There is such happiness in his voice that I can't help but smile. I can almost picture his dimples in my mind. I pat Ryan on the back and take the baby from him. I open the door and Ian hugs me. "I bought this for Yevy."

Ian holds up a baby onesie that says, "My daddies love me." I roll my eyes. He takes the fat little fuck from me and starts to dress him. I go into the kitchen to find my wife.

"Baby stay close to you. Carrot-boy is too happy. Something wrong with him. You watch baby. You are a piece of shit, but you are good to Carrot-boy."

"His name is Ian."

"I don't care. Make sure you take plenty of diapers for Yevgeny and that he doesn't get hurt."

Someone outside honks in front of our house. That must be Lip and Amanda. Ian is dressed in green. _He looks so fucking good._ He kisses me on the top of my head as we head out the door. Ian fixes Yev's carseat like a fucking pro. Liam is in a big boy seat. There isn't enough room in the back for both me and Ian and Lip says we're going to have to double up. Since I am shorter I am forced to sit on Ian's lap, but it's actually not so bad.

Ian lays his head against my back and rapidly talks about how excited he is. He talks non-stop the whole ride to the zoo. Lip and Amanda look concerned but neither of them say anything.

"This is going to be great," says Ian as he helps get Liam and Yev out of the backseat. I unfold the double stroller that I had stolen from Babies R Us and lock it in place. Ian puts Liam and Yev side by side. Amanda adjusts her glasses and grabs her purse.

"Okay, so I think we should all stay together, I am particularly interested in the amphibian animals and I know Ian wants to see birds of prey the most and they are on opposite sides of the zoo, so I say we vote where to start," Amanda says.

"The diplomatic process won't be fair. Mickey will side with Ian," Lip says.

"It's okay, we can start with the amphibian animals. As long as we end at the birds of prey," says Ian.

I nod in agreement. I don't really give a shit. I didn't even want to come, but it's important to Ian. He takes my hand and surrenders the stroller to Amanda. I am nervous about holding his hand in public like this, but the look on his face is enough for me to do it without a problem.

Ian is so happy. He hasn't stopped smiling all day. I want to keep it that way. Thankfully the zoo is free. We come upon the amphibian exhibit. I don't care for fucking frogs, but Ian is fascinated. He looks like a fucking kid in a candy store.

Ian pushes a button on one of the walls and listens to a voice tell him about the Oriental Fire-bellied toad. It's a huge toad that is black and yellow and I have to admit it does look fucking cool. Ian looks at me and tells me everything he likes about the toad. He asks me to help him name it.

"Herman," I throw out. Ian laughs a little too loudly, but I laugh too cover it up.

"What's so funny?" Lip asks.

"We named him Herman," I tell Lip.

"I like this game. Let's name them all," says Amanda. She lets Liam pick out some of the names. We make a game of it. I'm a competitive person, so I want to win. The Solomon Island Leaf Frog Ian names Sir James of Chicago, and Amanda wins with the Emperor Newt, Professor Lipchitz Von Newt. Ian can't stop laughing. We almost get thrown out of the amphibian house.

"That was fun," Ian says, where do we go next?"

"Reptiles," says Lip.

"Turtles," says Liam.

"It's decided then," says Lip.

I avoid the fucking snakes like a plague and spend of the most of the time staring at the dwarf crocodile. I don't have to look to know Ian has joined me. He leans against the railing to stare at the crocodile.

"Come look at this cool boa constrictor," Ian nudges.

"Fuck off. I hate snakes."

"Would you at least look at the turtles?"

Ian drags me to look at the turtles in the reptile house. I really like the spotted turtle and the huge fucking tortoise that Liam named Jimmy.

"Yeah, he's Jimmy," says Lip.

"Whatever happened to him?" I ask.

"He's a fucking pussy. He disappeared," Lip says, "Don't know don't care."

I migrate back to the crocodile when Ian isn't looking. He joins me there and leans against me. I make eye contact with the crocodile. I flip it off. Ian laughs.

"Faggots," says someone walking through the exhibit.

"Mickey," says Ian.

I try to ignore them for Ian's sake. I want to have a nice time. I don't want to crack any skulls today. But they keep going. They keep fucking talking. It takes all my will power not to knock some bitch's teeth out.

"Let's get some lunch then hit the mammal house," says Amanda looking at the map of the zoo. I don't object to fucking food. A peacock picks up with us outside the reptile house. It squawks at me. I flip it off. The thing starts to follow us.

"I think it likes you, Mickey," says Lip.

"It can go fuck itself."

The peacock perches on top of the wall outside the dining center. It squawks loudly. I give it the finger again before going inside. "Fucking bird."

"What do you want?" Ian asks.

"We could split a basket of fries," I suggest.

"That's not healthy."

"Who gives a fuck? I'm starving." I order us a basket of fries. Amanda gets her, Lip, and Liam some burgers and fries. I watch Ian feed Yev before he'll even eat.

"Your baby is so cute. It's so nice to see a couple adopt mixed race children," says an older woman.

"He's my brother," Lip tells her.

"He's precious."

She scowls at Ian and walks away. I give her the finger too.

"Don't take it personally, Ian," says Amanda.

After lunch we go to the mammals part of the zoo. The tiger is my favorite. Ian likes the zebra. We branch off from Amanda and Lip to make out near the bear enclosure. Ian pulls me close to him and kisses me deeply. I moan into the kiss. He starts to rub against me. We stop kissing to realize that we're in public.

"I've always want to have sex here," Ian says.

"Oh fuck," I say and we spot a secluded area behind the enclosure near the employee entrance. We are obscured from view of the public. Ian and I quickly go at it. The idea of getting caught seems to arouse Ian who has never quite fucked me at this capacity before. I have to bite on something to keep from screaming in pleasure.

Afterwards, after we zip up I pull Ian down for a kiss and claim him. I want to fucking jump his bones. I want to rip his fucking pants off, but we have to be civil right now. I take his hand and we join Lip and Amanda who had barely noticed we left until they saw that we were out of breath and our clothes were askew.

"Really?" Lip says.

"Like you wouldn't do it," says Ian.

"Keep it in your fucking pants," Lip says. He takes the stroller away and heads towards the exotic cat exhibit. Ian nearly has a fucking heart attack. His happiness level is off the charts. I don't think any other human could possibly be as happy as he fucking is to see the exotic fucking cats.

"They're so cute," Ian says.

"I want one," says Amanda. _Okay, I stand corrected._ Amanda makes a noise that's so inhuman I swear my ears are fucking bleeding. "So cute. It says it's called a Serval and get weigh up to forty pounds."

"Isn't it cool?" Ian asks tugging on my hand like he's a fucking child.

"Yeah I guess."

But the highest pitched noises came from not just Amanda but every fucking woman and young girl in the vicinity when we saw the Red Panda. I admit the thing had to be the cutest animal we had seen all day, but I have never heard that sort of noise come out of a human before. It even hurt Ian's ears.

"OH," says Amanda with tears in her eyes. _Women are fucking weird._

"Are you crying?" Lip asks.

"Have you ever seen something so beautiful it made you cry?" Amanda asks. I look at Ian. _Yes._

"No," says Lip.

"Finally, the birds," Ian says as we make our way to the birds of prey. Ian kisses me on the top of my head as he releases my hand and picks up Liam to show him all the birds. Me and the fucking peacock have a show down. I nudge it with my foot and it tries to bite me.

"I'll fucking cook you," I threaten. It leaves me alone. I like the bald eagle. Ian joins me. He sticks to my side like fucking glue. "Where's Yevgeny?" I ask. I look over and Amanda is holding him.

"Eagle," says Liam.

I take an opportunity to impress Ian. I suddenly remember I saw on TV once when I was drunk. I didn't think it would be useful or that I'd even remember but I do. "Did you know Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be the turkey instead of the eagle?"

"Then what would we eat on Thanksgiving?" Ian asks.

"Remember when Carl killed one of these?" Lip asks suddenly interrupting. Amanda gasps. Lip explains what happened. I laugh, but Amanda still seems shocked.

"Remember when Kev made us eat it?" Ian asks.

"Yeah, didn't he fucking grill it?" Lip asks.

"Oh yeah. It was good."

"Where the fuck was I?" I ask.

"You had just gone back to juvie."

"You missed the most patriotic meal," says Lip.

"We missed an opportunity to eat it on July Fourth," says Ian.

"You guys are terrible," says Amanda.

The zoo was a success. Happy Ian. I got to spend time with him without his weird brain thing coming up and getting in the way. Nothing unusual happened expect that fucking peacock tried to ride on top of the car as we left the zoo and had to turn around and scare it away.

Ian is quiet on the ride home. His head is resting on my shoulder and I hear him breathing more relaxed. He's gone to sleep with me on his lap. I pat his head and stare out the window. Back at home, Ian lies with me on the couch. He uses my lap as a pillow and drifts off to sleep. I stroke his hair gently until Ryan spots me. I flip him off and continue to show Ian affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the peacock story really happened to me at the St. Louis zoo.


	71. Deep Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mick is planning something big.

I am always going, always moving. It's difficult to sit down. I just want to keep going. This morning, I ran seven miles. I could have gone another seven if Ryan hadn't dragged me back inside. He didn't drag me back in for running he dragged me back in to talk Mandy out of taking Kenyatta back. He's in a body cast from Mickey beating him within an inch of his life and Mandy is taking care of him.

I think it's bull shit and she should just let him die, but she will never do that. Whenever I try to talk to her about it she gets really offended. I don't know why. I have just made every bed in the house and replaced all the sheets. Ryan is helping me put away laundry.

"So, do you think maybe you should go to the clinic?" Ryan asks.

"You think I should get an STD test?" I ask.

"What? You think you have an STD?"

"No. You said I should go to the clinic."

"I meant the mental health clinic."

I laugh as I smooth the edges of the sheet on Colin's bed. He hasn't been home much since Mickey came out, but I want his bed to look nice for when he does.

"Why would I go there?"

"You know for the bipolar disorder. You could get checked out."

"I don't have bipolar disorder," I tell Ryan. He must be confused. "You're thinking of Monica."

"Come on, Ian. There is something wrong with you. Everyone is tiptoeing around you, including Mickey and they need to be honest with themselves and with you. You need help."

"I'm not crazy, Ryan."

"I didn't say you were. Mickey's worried about you."

"Mickey knows I'm not crazy."

"Fuck. Ian, no one thinks you're crazy, but we do think there is something seriously wrong with you. Actually, no, we know there is something wrong with you. This isn't normal behavior. Mickey's only humoring you because he loves you and wants to keep you around."

"Mickey wouldn't lie to me."

I move on to collect Colin's clothes that are on the floor. I carry them to the washing machine. Ryan follows me trying to convince me that something is wrong with me when it isn't. I separate the clothes and put in the white's first.

"I didn't say he was lying. I said he was humoring you. Where did he tell you he is?"

"Work," I say, "I packed him a lunch."

"Yeah, well he's not at work. He's going to work later; right now he's at the clinic getting information on mental illness."

"Fuck you," I tell him, "He's at work. I'll prove it."

I put on my shoes and dress Yevy to go find his daddy. Ryan is coming with me. I am going to prove to him that Mickey is at the Rub 'N' Tug. The Alibi is pretty busy today. Tommy's construction crew has come in for midday drinks. Kev's not behind the bar, but instead it's Veronica. She's getting extra tips for showing more cleavage. I give her a peck on the cheek.

"Is Mickey here?" I ask.

"He stepped out."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"I don't know, can you take this to that man over there? He's been pinching my ass every time I get near his table."

I deliver the drink and then take a seat at the bar with Yev. Svetlana comes down. She's pregnant. I don't know whose it is, but I seriously doubt it's Mickey's. He doesn't seem to care. I wait for him.

After an hour, Mickey hasn't returned. I am about to give up when Mickey finally comes in. He takes his usually stool without noticing I'm even here. Finally when V looks at him then at me he notices. I get up and leave without speaking to him.

"Ian," says Mickey.

"You lied to me."

"What? No, I didn't."

"You told me that you were working all day today. But you lied. You were at the clinic."

"Who the fuck told you that?"

"Ryan."

"He's a dead man."

"You're going to commit me aren't you?"

"What? No. I was getting information. I want to know more information about bi-bi what the fuck ever it is." Mickey looks down at the pamphlet in his hand, "Bipolar Disorder."

"I. AM. NOT. BIPOLAR."

I leave. I don't want to be around Mickey. I can't look at him. I take Yevgeny with me. Mickey chases after me like he always does but I don't pay attention to him. I can't pay attention to him. I'm not talking to him.

Mickey chases me all the way home. I start throwing my clothes into a bag. Mickey takes the baby from me and hands him off to Ryan so that we can talk about this. Mickey talks. I pretend to listen. I don't bother to fold anything.

"You're overreacting." I don't listen. I start humming to tune him out. "If you fucking think I'm letting you leave you've got the wrong idea." I could get the rest of my clothes later. I try to get out of the room but Mickey won't let me. I want to get past without using force. "Will you stop? I want to talk." I don't. I push Mickey out of my way. He grabs me by the hand and drags me, with great force, back into his room and shuts the door. "You're not fucking leaving me."

I don't talk. Mickey doesn't seem to care that I won't talk to him. We sit in the room and stare at each other. One of us is going to crack and it's not going to be me. I sit on the bed and turn to face the wall. Mickey leans against the door.

"Mickey, Svetlana wants to know if you're coming back to the Alibi," says Ryan from the other side.

"Fuck off," Mickey says.

"I'll tell her no."

Mickey and I stay this way for several hours. We eat dinner with my family without talking to each other. We sit on opposite ends of the table. No one comments, but I know they all notice. I start talking to Debbie about her boy problems and Carl asks Mickey to teach him about guns.

"He's so cute," says Debbie about the latest boy that she likes.

"Is he older than you?" I ask her.

"Ian, could you pass the bread?" Mickey asks.

I ignore him and continue talking to Debbie. Lip gives Mickey what he wants. I ignore him. Even after dinner I offer to help Fiona with the dishes and ignore Mickey completely. He is waiting for me to go back to his house with him, but I take my time.

"Why are you fighting?" Fiona asks.

"He's an asshole."

"What did he do?"

"He betrayed me."

"Did he cheat?"

"No. I don't want to talk about it."

Fiona rubs my shoulders and kisses me on the cheek. I finish the dishes and finally decide to leave. Mickey walks with me smoking a cigarette. We don't talk, we don't hold hands, and we don't look at each other. He just walks in pace with me.

I grab a pillow off Mickey's bed and a thin blanket from the closet. I am going to sleep on the couch. Mickey can have the bed. Sometime during the night I feel the couch shift as Mickey crawls in with me. He spoons me from behind and buries his face in my hair.

"I'm sorry," Mickey mumbles into my hair. He kisses the back of my neck. "I am worried about you. I just wanted more information."

"You don't want to send me away?"

"Fuck no. I want to figure out what's wrong with you."

"Nothing's wrong with me," I tell him. I roll over so we're face to face. I peck Mickey on the lips. He seems to like it. He nuzzles into me and kisses my neck.

"Something is off," Mickey says.

"I disagree," I say, kissing his nose.

"I won't ever let anyone take you away," Mickey says before pulling me into a deep kiss. We make out for a long time before going to sleep. Mickey's laying on top of my chest when we both wake up. When he lifts his head there is a big wet spot on my shirt. Mickey drooled in his sleep.

"You drooled all over me," I tell him.

"Marking my territory," Mickey jokes.

I tackle Mickey and we wrestle in the middle of the living room. He pins me and stares into my eyes. I get free and we continue to wrestle. I gain the upper hand, but he still manages to pin me. He's stronger than he looks.

"Fuck me," I whisper.

"Right here?" Mickey asks.

Mickey and I get out of our clothes quickly. We engage in a different type of wrestling match. I only pray no one walks in on us in the middle of the living room. Mickey wants to try topping. I let him. But we end up with our old positions. It seems to work for us that way.

We dress quickly when there is movement in the house. Mickey and I snuggle on the couch; he's laying between my legs with his stomach against mine. He looks up and I kiss him gently.

"You make me sick," says Svetlana.

"Hey, will you go for a run with me?" I ask Mickey.

"Fuck no. I have plans today."

"What are you doing?" I ask.

Mickey doesn't answer. He sits up. I take his hand. He kisses me before walking to the bathroom. I follow him. "Look, it's just something I got to do."

"Why can't you tell me?"

Mickey doesn't respond. He just dresses his clothes and leaves me behind. I want to follow him. I think it might be a good idea to do so. I convince Mandy and Ryan to come with me by telling them that I think Mickey might be cheating. _Which I don't believe, but they don't need to know that._

Mickey is inside a jewelry shop. I can't see what he's looking at, but I feel my heart tighten in my chest. _What if he's looking at something for me?_ I can't stop the smile from forming on my face. I put my hand over my heart to settle it down.

"Satisfied?" Ryan asks.

"Is he buying me a ring?" I ask Ryan.

"How the fuck should I know?"

"He could be pawning off some jewelry he stole," Mandy says.

That's true. I hadn't considered that. Mickey walks over to a glass display in the store and points at something. The associate helping him follows him and begins gesturing about it. No. _He's not pawning anything._

"What the fuck is he doing?" Mandy asks.

"I'd like to know. I'm his best friend and I don't even know," says Ryan.

I look at Ryan. "No. I'm his best friend," I correct him.

"No, you're his boyfriend. There's a difference."

"Don't fight over this like a bunch of girls," says Mandy. She smacks me in the ass. I nudge her with my elbow. "Besides, you were my best friend before you were Mickey's. I still call dibs."

I kiss her on the cheek. Mandy smacks my ass again then playfully kicks at me. Mandy is the only girl outside my family that I have ever loved, I am considering V part of the family. Mandy's more than a friend to me. She's part of me, not in the way Mickey is, but she has a firm grasp on my heart.

"Whatever Mickey is doing, it looks like he's done and we should probably move before he spots us," says Mandy.

We scatter. Mandy stays. Ryan and I hide to eavesdrop. Mickey is not a soft person. The only other person he's soft with besides me is Mandy. I can hear in his voice just how much she means to him.

"You didn't rob the place did you?" Mandy asks.

"Fuck no. In broad daylight? I ain't that fucking stupid," says Mickey.

"So what were you doing there?"

"I pawned my wedding ring."

"Why?" Mandy asks.

"I don't feel married to that bitch anymore, and I am no longer hiding. People know now that the marriage is a fucking joke, so why should I keep it?"

"Oh, I thought you were buying a ring for Ian," Mandy says.

They stop talking, or they lower their voices so Ryan and I can no longer hear them. Their footsteps change direction. _What the fuck is going on?_ Ryan and I come out of our hiding place and see that Mickey and Mandy have gone into the jewelry store. They are standing above the same display Mickey was looking at.

They start to come this way so we hide again. Mandy is talking this time. "I think that's great, Mick."

"Keep your fucking mouth shut."

"I'm a Milkovich, aren't I?"


	72. Obsessed with Ian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey finds it absurd that anyone could be obsessed with their own boyfriend. Only he totally was.

I can't stop staring at Ian. I mean, not the normal staring. I'm talking about over the fucking moon in love staring. I have memorized Ian's fucking face. I know the placement of every fucking freckle, and exactly how much gold is in his green eyes, and the way his nose twitches when he's thinking. I know the angles of his face and the slant of his jaw. I could close my eyes and draw Ian, if I could draw. I know the size of his hands, and the tiny hairs on his knuckles. If Ian were a subject in school, I'd have received straight fucking A's.

"You need to slow down, Mick," says Ryan while I'm staring at Ian while he's dancing in the kitchen and listening to his iPod. He's off in his own little world while working on plastering a hole that has been in the wall for longer than I've been alive.

"Why?" I ask, taking a drag off my cigarette. Ian bends over to pick up something and I admire his ass. My heart is thumping like a fucking bass drum. I can barely hear Ryan over the sound of it beating.

"Because you're obsessed," Ryan says.

"I can't be obsessed with my own boyfriend. Obsession is for stalkers and pedophiles," I argue. The baby cries. Ryan rocks him. I am supposed to be watching him technically, but I can't pay attention to him when Ian's around.

"You're so full of shit."

My gaze lands on Ian's jaw and cheekbones. I feel a sigh coming up and stop it. _Is Ryan right? Am I obsessed with Ian?_ I'm around him all the time and I fucking love it. I would never admit it out loud. The domesticity of our situation hasn't scared me at all. I thought I would be hesitant to allow myself to be this open with Ian, but I'm not.

I can get use to this, to be honest. I can get use to having Ian around all the time. It's better than him not being here at all. That I know for a fact I can't stand to think about. I lean my head to one side and look at Ian's ass again.

"Fuck you, I'm not obsessed."

"You're a terrible fucking liar. Take some time away from Ian and have a day to yourself. Better yet, let's hang out."

I consider it. I am not the "let's hang out" type, but I should probably maintain my stance on not being obsessed with Ian by going along with Ryan's plans. "Hey," I holler at Ian. He can't hear me over the sound of his music, and the little ass wiggle he does hits me right in the groin and I flinch. I shake it off, and tap on Ian's shoulder.

"I'm going out for a while," I tell him. I resist the urge to touch and kiss.

"Okay. Want me to watch Yev?" Ian asks.

"Sure, man," I say. Ian pecks me on the lips and I can almost see Ryan shaking his fat fucking head. I pat Ian on the back and leave with Ryan. When I look over my shoulder Ian is mixing formula for Yev.

Ryan decides we should play fucking mini golf. He pays. I hate golf, and I make it abundantly clear. Ryan hands me a pink golf ball. I flip him off. He uses yellow. "Every time you talk about Ian or your eyes glaze over _thinking_ about Ian, you have to use the pink ball."

"Fuck you, I'm not obsessed with I—I am not obsessed," I say catching myself from saying his name, "Besides, I thought you were on Team Mickey/Ian," I say.

"I call it Team Gallavich, you know Gallagher and Milkovich—Gallavich," says Ryan. I roll my eyes. "And I am, but I think you're at a point in your transition, Mickey, where you're a little too attached. I think you need to slow the fuck down. You're so in love you can't focus on anything else."

"I am not."

"To you Ian hung the fucking moon."

"What are you getting at, Ryan? Want to me to admit that I love him? Fine, I fucking love him. I'm over the fucking moon. Happy now? Give me the damn ball," I say snatching the pink ball from Ryan's hand. I tee off and get my ball into the easiest hole on the course on the first try.

"You just admitted you love him."

"So what?"

"Have you told him?"

I don't answer. I move on to the next hole. Ryan follows. It took him two tries to get the ball in on the first hole. I make it in again. Ryan rolls his eyes and waits for me to answer. _He can fucking wait forever._

"You haven't told him. What are you waiting for?"

"Do you think this is easy for me? I am not used to blurting out my feelings. That's not how we do things in my fucking house. No one says I love you. I just fucking got used to calling myself Ian's boyfriend. Give me some fucking time, okay."

"You bought him a ring," Ryan says.

I spin around, "Where the fuck did that come from?"

"I saw you at the jewelry store. Ian, Mandy, and I followed you one day. We saw you in a jewelry store talking to someone about something in one of the display cases. We were almost certain you bought Ian a ring."

"I never bought him a fucking ring."

"Then what did you buy?"

"None of your fucking business," I tell Ryan.

"Seriously, what did you buy?"

"I bought—go fuck yourself," I throw the golf ball at him and storm off. I go outside and light up. I don't need to explain anything to that fucking asshole. A young man outside has been staring at me since I came out here. "What the fuck are you staring at?" I ask the man.

He comes over to me. I step away to put a few more feet between us. He has long fingers like Ian. I look at his face. Blue eyes instead of green. _Not fucking interested._

"So, it's getting warmer," He says.

"Yeah," I say. _He seems harmless._

He scoots closer when he thinks I'm not watching. He wears glasses unlike Ian who seems to have the vision of a fucking hawk.

"You can see the sky today. It's pretty. The blue matches your eyes," He says. I roll my eyes. _Seriously? Fuck._

"Fuck off, man."

"Do you want to fuck?" He jumps right to the point.

"No, I don't want to fuck."

He touches me. _Get your fucking hand off my arm or I'll shove it so far up your ass you'll never be able to shit again._ He squeezes my bicep. I'm ten seconds away from ripping his fucking arm off.

"You're my type," He says cupping my dick. I deck him. "What the fuck?"

"Yo, Pee-Wee Herman, fuck off or get beat up, those are your options," I tell him after I grab him by the back of his neck. "I don't take too kindly to strange men who grope me in public; I'm kind of funny like that."

"I'm sorry I thought you were gay. You walk like you've been fucked up the ass too many times," He says. I punch him in the gut. "Your boyfriend must have a big dick." I hit him again for bringing up Ian's dick. "Look, all I wanted was a blow," he says.

"Go blow yourself," I release him and he doesn't run off. He grabs at my zipper. I knee him in the face.

"What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"You're the dumb ass who put your face in level with my knee."

"Mick," says Ryan, _Where the fuck were you? Watching I bet._

I kneel beside the man whose ass I'm about to seriously kick if he doesn't get the fuck away from me. I smack his ass, "Look, I don't want to give you a beating and you don't want me to give you a beating so why don't you do us both a favor and get the fuck out of here?"

"Just let me blow you, please," He begs.

I walk away. This man needs help. I don't have it in me to hurt him anymore. I walk away and join Ryan. We walk away without looking back. The man is crying for me to come back. I ignore him.

"What the fuck was that?" Ryan asks.

"The fuck should I know man. He was on something though."

"Had to be to want to suck your tiny dick," says Ryan, "Would you have fucked him?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Would you have fucked him?"

"No," I say before lighting up.

"Why not?"

I don't answer. I blow smoke in Ryan's face intentionally.

"We made a pact," I tell Ryan.

"What?"

"Ian and I agreed that while we're doing this, we're not with other people," I tell him remembering the pact we made that seems so long ago.

"Holy shit, you're already married to him in your mind," Ryan says. _Here he goes again, talking about mushy bull shit._

"Can we change the subject? I was groped by a fucking man," I say, it's not a great subject change but at least I don't have to talk about my feelings.

"You're gay, I don't see the problem, unless you've never been giving that sort of attention from men before. Holy shit. You lost your virginity to Ian didn't you?"

"No."

"Don't take this away from me," Ryan says.

This day of hanging out with Ryan has me shaking. Everywhere we go some random jerk-off hits on me. It's fucking weird. There was that one guy who was so good at flirting I turned into a blubbering mess when I tried to tell him to fuck off. I almost told him to fuck me, which would have been disastrous.

Ian has cooked dinner for us when Ryan and I get back. My heart lodges in my chest and guilt washes over me. I don't look him in the eyes. How can I after I nearly let some charming motherfucker fuck me? I let him put his hands on me. _Nothing happened. He copped a feel._

"I can't be around you right now," I tell Ian. I blow off dinner and shut myself in my room. Ian paws at the door. My heart breaks hearing his fragile voice.

"Mickey, are you mad at me?" _Fuck no. I'm mad at me._ "I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry." His voice sounds so earnest and sad. I kick myself. "I made spaghetti. I can't fit it under the door."

"I don't want any fucking spaghetti."

"I'll put it in the oven for you." I know he's still out there. He's right behind my door if I just let him in. I can't. I bang my head against the door over and over again and wish I could rewind the whole fucking day.

"Mickey," says Ian, "I'm going to sleep on the couch. I'm sorry, okay. I'm really sorry."

_You didn't do anything wrong._

I finally come out of my room and Ian is sound asleep on the couch. There are tear stains on his face. _I caused those._ I put a thin blanket over him. He sniffles in his sleep.

"Why are you mad at Orange Boy?" Svetlana whispers. She's holding the baby. He must have gotten fussy.

"I'm not," I whisper.

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to beat it out of you?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I go back into my room and lie on my bed. It's difficult to sleep without Ian. I never realized just how used to him I had become. My bed feels empty without him. I roll onto my side and try to sleep. _Fuck._

I don't sleep. I toss and turn all night. Sometime after three am I hear pawing at the door again. I know its Ian. "Mickey," he says softly, "Are you awake?" I don't answer. "Okay." And I don't hear him again.

Ian's making pancakes in the morning. I can smell them from my room. I see the door open a crack and an arm reaches in to put a plate down. I know that arm. The door shuts when the arm pulls out. I smile.

"Those are for you," Ian says from the other side of the door. "You didn't eat dinner and I don't want you to starve."

"Ian," I say, "Get the fuck in here." Like a fucking little puppy Ian comes in wagging an imaginary tail. I stand up. I have to own up to it sooner or later. I can't keep letting him think it was something he did. "I am not mad at you."

"You're not?"

"No. I'm mad at myself. A few guys hit on me yesterday," I tell him.

"Guys hit on me every day," Ian says. _I am not fucking surprised._

"One of them got a little grabby outside the mini golf, and I kicked his ass. Then another, I _let_ get grabby. I wanted him to touch me. But that it was. He just copped a feel."

"Did you do him?" Ian asks.

"No. He just slid his hand down my pants. He was a charming fucker."

Ian laughs at that. But his next actions take me by surprise, he's wrapping his hands in my shirt and leaning his head on my shoulder. I hold him. He tugs on my shirt and let's out a sob.

"I thought I had done something," Ian says.

"No. It was me."

Ian nuzzles into my neck. I feel my heart rate increase. I hold him close and start swaying with him. He releases me and places a gentle kiss on my check. His massive hand cups my head.

"I'm not mad," Ian says.

"I am," I tell him.

"Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong," Ian tells me before pulling me into a deep kiss. Our bodies are pressed so close together that if we got any closer we'd be wearing the same clothing. Ian breaks the kiss to tell me about the pancakes.

"I made them for you," Ian says.

"I'll eat the fucking pancakes. You don't have to cry about it," I tell him with a smile. He smiles too. I pick up the plate and carry it to the kitchen table. I let Ian play the part of the dutiful wife. He seems happy.

 


	73. Don't Fuck With the Gallaghers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian spends time with his brothers.

Debbie is chasing after a twenty-year-old guy. My thirteen-year-old sister is chasing after a man a lot older than she is. I don't like it and neither does Lip. We've been standing outside his apartment for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do. We're initiating Carl on how to be a Gallagher brother.

"I say we go over there and tell him to leave Debs alone or we'll beat the shit out of him," I say.

"Why can't we just beat the shit out of him?" Carl asks.

"I'm with Carl. I didn't like this guy the first time I met him back when Debs brought him to the hospital when Frank was dying."

"You can't just assault people, Carl," I tell him.

"You can't."

"We can't just attack some guy," I tell them.

"Look, there he is," says Lip putting out his cigarette. Lip taps me on the shoulder and pushes Carl toward Matty's car. Carl slams Matty's door shut and shoves him. I grab Carl's shoulder.

"Stay away from Debbie," says Carl.

"I haven't spoken to her in months," Matty says.

"She still likes you," says Carl shoving Matty again.

"Who are you people?" Matty asks.

"We're Debbie's brothers," Lip says, "You don't fuck with the Gallaghers."

"I didn't fuck Debbie. She wanted to. I didn't. She's too young."

That stops Lip and Carl. They look at each other then at me. I suddenly feel bad. _He's not a creep._ I think Matty looks harmless enough. "Sorry, man," I say, "We're worried about our little sister."

"Debbie and I are just friends. I'm not going to touch her," Matty says.

"Come on, I still want to kick his ass," Carl says.

"Let's go, Carl. Sorry," I say.

Lip walks with his head down. He lights up a cigarette. We spot Frank out and about. Lip rolls his eyes. "There is talk about buying up the neighborhood and improving it," Frank says, Lip rolls his eyes again.

"What the fuck is he talking about?" I ask.

"Probably more of his nonsensical bull shit," says Li p.

"No. Look for yourself," says Frank.

A sign on one of the buildings says something about being leased. A few of the buildings have been bought. Tommy is finally off the bar stool at the Alibi and is with his construction crew. They appear to be looking things over.

Mickey is outside the Alibi smoking and talking very loudly with some man. He looks flushed. His cheeks are red and he's got a smile in his eyes. I feel something inside me take over like the sudden urge to push the man Mickey's talking to in front of a speeding car. I have to push back that particular urge.

"What's going on there," Lip asks pointing at Mickey and the man.

"I don't know," I say a little too aggressively.

"If he's cheating I'll kick his ass," says Carl.

"You're still fucking that guy?" Frank asks.

"Fuck off, Frank," Lip and I say at the same time.

I can't take it anymore. I walk over to Mickey. His smile widens, but he tries to hide it. I cross my arms. His smile disappears as quickly as it had come.

"Ian, this guy works with Tommy; he's going to bring the guys in to the Rub 'N' Tug after their shift. He made me a great deal," Mickey says. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just hanging out with my brothers," I say to cover up my stupid insecurity. _Mickey wouldn't cheat._ Mickey slaps me on the arm.

"I'm glad you're doing this normal shit again."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Nothing, see you tonight," Mickey says.

"Actually, I am spending the night at my house. I've been neglecting my family."

Mickey hesitates, "Without me?"

"Well, no, I mean, you can come. I'm sorry. I just want to see my family."

"Do whatever the fuck you want to do," Mickey says. He throws his arms in the air shouts "fuck" and goes into the Alibi. _I think he's mad at me._ I think about it before I go in after him. Lip and Carl wait for me outside with Frank. _I wish he would just leave._

"Mickey Milkovich." _I don't even know his middle name? Holy shit. How do I not know my boyfriend's middle name?_

"Look, do whatever the fuck you want," Mickey says as he turns away from me. I put my arms around him from behind and lay my head on his shoulder. I spin him around a put my head between his shoulder and chin the way he likes. He holds me. "If you need some time away from me, I understand."

"I don't need time away from you. I need time with my family."

"I'm going to throw up," says Svetlana. I don't have to look to know Mickey is flipping her off. He lifts my chin and places a kiss on my lips.

"Do what you need to do," Mickey says with a forced smile. I know he's not happy about this. I put my head back on his shoulder.

"Come with me. You can stay too."

"I'll be over tonight," Mickey says and releases me, "Have fun with Lip and Carl and don't let those assholes get you into trouble." I kiss Mickey and leave. Before I do he tries to give me money. I refuse to take it. He shoves it in my pants. "Take the fucking money or I'll make you."

"I don't need you to pay for everything I do," I argue.

"I'm not listening to this bull shit. Take the goddamn money and go have fun with your stupid brothers."

"You're a shithead," I say, pecking him on the cheek. He sits down on his usual bar stool. Veronica raises a glass to me and I leave. Lip and Carl are still waiting, and to my dismay Frank is here too.

"Do you have any money?" Frank asks me.

"Yes, but you're not getting it," I tell him.

"Really? How much?" Lip asks.

"Mickey gave me fifty bucks," I say counting what Mickey shoved in my pocket.

"The husband is giving you an allowance that's generous."

"Fuck you, Frank."

I put my arm around Lip and we walk away from Frank. Carl is walking on the other side of me. He's being very protective. I'm supposed to be protective of him, but somehow he's taking that role from me.

"Look," says Lip, pointing at Debbie leaning against a car talking to a grown man. _He has a fucking beard. How old is that creep?_ We don't need to talk about it. The three of us walk in pace with each other toward Debs. She sees us coming and freaks out.

"You're following me. I knew Fiona would do this. She doesn't trust me at all. She's such a bitch."

"Fiona didn't send us after you," I explain. She has Liam with her. He waves at me. I pick him up.

"Ian," Liam says, "I love you."

"I love you too, buddy."

"Where's Mickey?" Liam asks.

"Working, you'll get to see him later."

"What are you doing?" Carl asks Debbie.

"Nothing, turd breath, mind your business."

But when Lip and Debbie get into an argument neither of them notice Frank and Carl are gone. They snuck off together, probably to cause some trouble. I tap on Lip's shoulder. He waves my hand away. I tap on him again.

"What the fuck, Ian?"

"Carl's gone. I think he went with Frank."

"Fuck, Ian, and you just let him?" Lip says. "Maybe if you'd quit fucking Mickey Milkovich you'd notice more shit."

_We used to be best friends…what changed?_ I hand Liam back to Debbie and run off with Lip to find Carl. We argue over my relationship with Mickey until we're both red faced and angry. I love Mickey. I need Lip to be supportive.

Carl and Frank are selling drugs. Correction: Frank is using Carl to sell several large bags full of cocaine. I don't want any part of this. I lean against the wall of one of the buildings in the alley. Lip is smoking is fifth cigarette, and Frank is teaching Carl how to sell.

"This isn't what I wanted to do today," I tell Lip.

"You think I did?"

"Why are you mad at me?" I ask.

"You really want to open that can of worms? I don't know where to begin, Ian. Let's see, you ran away from home without telling me where the fuck you were going. For all the fuck I know you could have been dead. You come back a little crazier, and get back together with the asshole that made you leave in the first place."

"Mickey loves me," I tell Lip.

"You don't sound certain of that."

Frank and Carl are gone again. Lip and I track them all over the South Side for the rest of the afternoon. I just want to go home. Finally, when Frank has finally sold all his coke and got the money, which he'll probably use to buy painkillers anyway, we get to go home. Fiona has made dinner and is trying to chat with Mickey who is sitting at the table waiting for me.

I peck him a kiss on the lips and don't miss the smile on Fiona's face.

"No. He's not staying here too."

"Okay, let me get this straight," I say.

"That's a first," Lip says.

I flip him off in a very Mickey like way. It makes me smile over how much like Mickey that was. Lip shakes his head. "You are allowed to date Mandy Milkovich and have her practically living here, and Fiona can have Jimmy-Steve live here for almost two years, but when I bring my boyfriend home it's an abomination."

"He's right, Lip. Besides, Mickey's good for Ian."

"Do you hear yourself," Lip asks her.

"Don't start this shit before dinner. I'm hungry. I don't care who's wiener goes where, I just want some food," says Carl. Thus ending the saga of the gay wiener, something Carl's been trying to figure out for years.

"How was your day?" Mickey asks me casually. I stare at him with my hand resting on my hand. He's taking an interest in my daily activities.

"Awful."

"What'd these assholes do?" Mickey asks chewing with his mouth open.

"Nothing," I say smiling. I try to eat, but I just want to stare at Mickey. _He's so beautiful._ He seems so uncomfortable asking for Debbie and Carl to pass him stuff on the table.

Mickey scoots his chair closer to mine and forcefully grabs my hand. He lays our hands on top of the table for my family to see. He rubs my hand with his thumb and doesn't look at me. "You got a fucking problem, Lip?"

"Yeah, I do," Lip says.

"I'm ending this," I say, "Mickey's family." _I love him._

"Fine, if he breaks your heart again don't expect me to pick up the fucking pieces."

"Are Ian and Mickey getting married?" Carl asks.

"I'm already married," Mickey says.

"So you're cheating on your wife?" Carl asks.

"This is different," says Mickey.

"Why is it different?"

"You ask a lot of fucking questions."

"It's different because Mickey doesn't love his wife. He loves Ian. He probably married Svetlana to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle, but realized he loves Ian more than he actually let's on," says Debbie.

_How does she always know exactly what to say?_

"So what are you intentions?" Carl asks.

"What?" Mickey asks.

"Are you going to divorce her and marry Ian? You can't expect not to have a future with Ian at this point."

"Stop it, Carl. Leave them alone," says Fiona.

After dinner, Mickey and I do the dishes. I wash and he dries. He complains about it the whole time, but since Fiona is letting us stay over it's the least we can do. He just wants to go upstairs and fool around.

I scrape something off one of the plates and nearly throw up doing it. Mickey shakes his head and takes the plate from me. He scrubs it off without it bothering him, "Probably best if I finish and you dry, Tough Guy." _Tough Guy._ My favorite pet name. I slap Mickey's ass and stand in his spot to dry the dishes.

"That's not clean," I tell Mickey taking the plate. We switch places again. I am going to need to man up and not throw up.

"About what Carl said," Mickey starts, "I do want a future with you."

_Fifteen year old me would be screaming right now._ I don't stop the smile from forming on my face. I have wanted this for longer than I can say. Mickey wants to be with me.

"I want that too," I say.

"I choose you, okay. Don't ever doubt it. Svetlana means nothing to me." _I know that, Mickey. I know everything about it._ I kiss him. I put the plates back in the sink and pull Mickey into me. I rest my head on his shoulder.

"Aw," says Veronica and Fiona, and I pull away. I wipe Mickey's salvia off my lips and return to the dishes. Mickey is looking at me. "We're going to get our beers and get out of your hair," Fiona says. She rubs my back and nods at Mickey.

"I want you to know that I am Ian's boyfriend, and I demand to be treated the way any of your boyfriends have been treated. If Lip has a problem with that tell him I'm more than happy to talk about it," says Mickey grumpily.

"Noted," says Fiona, "But, Mick, I will agree with Lip on this one thing, you break Ian's heart again and not even Ian could stop me from killing you."

"Welcome to the family," says Veronica to Mickey. She follows Fiona out of the room. I give Mickey a quick kiss and hand him a plate for him to dry.

"I like calling you my boyfriend. But you know, if I had to think of a word for it, I'd go with bitch."

"Fuck off," Mickey says with a smile. "I like your dick, eat me."

"Is that an offer?" I ask. I make Mickey blush. I've never done that before. We quickly finish the dishes and race upstairs. Carl and Liam are in our room so Mickey and I can't fool around. We wrestle and land on my bed. Mickey pins me and stares down into my eyes.

"Just kiss already," Carl says. Mickey does, but briefly.

"I like this," Mickey says laying down next to me in the bed.

"Like what?" I ask slapping his hip.

"This normal shit, when you're not going a thousand miles a minute. You've slowed down. I like it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but okay."

"And I like this," Mickey says poking my tattoo. I recoil from his touch. Mickey knows I'm ticklish. He gets an evil grin on his face and I go on the defensive. "How do you stay so fucking lean?"

"Oh so it's Ian wiener that goes into Mickey's ass," says Carl. The saga continues.

 


	74. Brothers Milkovich

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey's brother attack Ian.

Ian is acting normal. He's acting like old Ian. I don't know what to do with my time now that I don't have to be cautious of his actions. I am hanging out with my brothers. We're drinking and smoking and committing fucking crimes together again. It's weird.

"Did you hear a pair of lesbos want to buy up the South Side?" Colin asks passing Iggy a joint. I lean against the hood of Colin's friend's car and sip my beer.

"I heard we're getting a fucking renovation or some shit," says Iggy.

"When is this supposed to start?" asks my brother Jamie. He's been recently released from prison.

"Sometime in May, I think. Who the fuck knows, but I don't want no dykes fucking up our territory. Fucking queers think they run the place," says Colin. We look at each other. I flick my ashes in his direction. "You ain't like normal queers, Mick. You don't have a limp wrist or wear fucking pink or talk with a lisp. You don't even act gay. That Gallagher though. I knew he was a fucking fairy from the moment I saw the kid." _I could fucking kill him._ I feel my blood starting to boil. I need to end this before I fucking snap.

"Watch what you fucking say about Ian."

"Mickey's fucking him," Iggy says.

"Oh shit. That's who you're fucking?" Jamie asks.

"Yeah, I am. If you even fucking think about fag bashing him, you'll need to leave the fucking country," I threaten putting my cigarette out.

"I can't promise that," says Colin, "The little faggot fucking turned my brother into a homo. I can put up with you, because you're fucking family, but not that little queer." _Fuck you, Colin. Drop fucking dead. Go rot in a fucking hole in the ground._

"Hey, so what are we going to do about the Lesbos?" Iggy asks to take some of the tension out of the equation.

"Run them the fuck out of town along with the other fucking homos," says Colin looking right at me. I won't run away. I won't give him the fucking satisfaction. I am going to sit there and fucking stare him down. I'm not scared of him. I grew up with him. "Never would have thought my baby brother would be a fucking faggot."

"He just needs some good pussy," says Jamie.

"Like that wife of his. I bet he ain't even hitting that," says Colin.

"Fuck off," I say.

"You only stick it in Gallagher?" Colin asks taking a beer from the cooler. I don't answer. "Don't fucking tell me he puts it in you?"

I slide off the car. The situation seems to be heating up. My brothers are no longer playing around or being neutral about this and I think I should leave. Colin pins me against the car. "You better tell that fucking red head to watch his back."

"I'll kill you," I warn.

"We'll see."

Colin shoves me. I need some time away from my brothers while they're in town. I leave. Colin and Jamie start to laugh. Iggy shoots me an apologetic look and joins them in their jokes. I kick a beer can in their direction before I head to the Gallagher house.

Ian isn't home according to Fiona. He's out running an errand for her with Carl and Liam. I sit at the bar and she hands me a glass of generic orange soda and a sandwich.

"Penny for your thoughts, Mickey," Fiona says.

"My brothers are assholes," I say. I take a drink. _This take like shit._ Fiona is being nice to me. She's trying for Ian's sake. I hate talking about my brothers, but I am really worried about what they might do to Ian.

"What's going on?"

"They know about me and Ian," I bite into the sandwich. _Could use some mustard._ Fiona reads my mind and hands me the mustard. "I'm afraid of what they might do."

"What do you mean?"

"What the fuck do you think I mean? Don't worry though."

"Don't worry. Your fucking brothers are on a man hunt for Ian to beat him for being gay. I shouldn't have allowed this to continue. I should have made Ian stay in the closet until he was older and out of this fucking place. This is my fault," Fiona says. She panics.

"Calm your tits. Look, they aren't going to touch Ian with me around. Milkovich's don't hurt their own."

I spoke too soon. Carl comes in without Ian. He puts Liam down and Liam goes right for his toys. Fiona immediately notices the bruise forming under Carl's eye. "We were ambushed. Ian sent me on a head."

"Where the fuck is he?" I ask. My heart is pounding in my head and my legs are moving as fast as they can. As much as I don't want her to Fiona is following me with a bat. _She doesn't need the fucking bat._

Ian is doubled over, but he doesn't stop fighting. I jump in and pummel Colin. I hear Fiona shout and hear the sound of a wooden bat hit the back of someone's knee. Jamie lets out a blood curdling scream.

"Get the fuck off me," Colin says fighting back. Fiona hits him in the head with the bat hard enough to knock him out. She helps me up. Jamie is writhing in pain on the ground. I spit on him.

"Don't you ever touch either of them again," Fiona threatens.

"Crazy bitch," Jamie mutters.

"I'm a Mama Bear, bitch," Fiona says taking Ian by the arm and walking away. I stare at both my brothers and shake my head. The betrayal does sting a little, but it's expected. It's the family I come from. They have too much of my father in them. I then look at Iggy who stood by and did nothing. He didn't even help Ian. I'm disappointed.

Ian is being doctored up by Fiona. I stand right beside him and rub his back. He winces in pain. Fiona forces Ian's shirt off. It's an all out drag out war to get him to cooperate, but between the two of us we get Ian's shirt off.

"Oh shit, Ian. You might have a few broken ribs and internal bleeding. This looks bad," Fiona says.

"I'm fine," Ian lies. He winces in pain.

"Get the fuck up," I tell him.

"What?"

"You're going to the hospital."

"No money," Ian says.

"Fuck you, I have money and I can get money. Don't ever fucking worry about it."

"Carl, watch Liam," Fiona says. Fiona and I have to force Ian to go to the hospital. This time we enlist Kev to help. He helps me physically force Ian to go, by picking him up and putting him in Kev's truck. I slide in next to Ian and Fiona is so tiny she fits in there too. Kev drives.

"Milkovich brothers?" Kev asks.

"Don't ask," Ian says.

Ian holds my hand on the drive. I feel like shit. I should have stopped it before it started. He's all busted up and it's my fucking fault. Ian lays his head against mine. I want to make this better for him.

There are a lot of people in the fucking hospital today. Fiona fills out the paperwork for Ian while we wait. When he gets called back I'm not allowed to go in with him. Fiona finishes his paperwork and is taken back to be with Ian.

Kev and I sit side by side. I can't keep still. My legs are bounding and my arms are folded across my chest. "Why did your brothers attack Ian? I thought the Milkovich's had a code about attacking one of their own or someone in the inner circle, or whatever."

"My family doesn't take to kindly to people like Ian," I say.

"You're like Ian," Kev reminds me. "Colin won't touch me. I'm family."

"Terry did, what's stopping your brother?"

"I don't want to talk about this. I'm mad enough as it is. They could have killed Ian."

"And Carl and Liam. Those two might not matter to you, but they do to me."

I can't sit still. I want to bash my brother's fucking face in for doing this to Ian. I want to give Fiona a fucking hand, because she is tougher than she looks. Fiona Gallagher in Mama Bear is scarier than Colin could ever be.

Ian comes back out after a couple of hours all patched up. He only had two broken ribs, and luckily nothing else was broken. Fiona doesn't look happy. The four of us leave. Fiona makes hamburgers for lunch. Ian is trying to hold Liam on his lap, but it isn't working out. Liam crawls into my lap instead.

"You alright?" I ask rubbing the back of his head. He does this sort of thing to me all the time, so I am returning the gesture. Ian's hair is really fucking soft. Ian presses his head against mine and I melt a little inside. _Fuck, I am gay._

"Yeah," Ian says, "Nothing I can't handle."

"Fuck, Ian. I don't want you to have to handle anything. I don't want you to live in fear that you're going to be killed. I'm sorry," I tell him. A tear escapes my eyes before I can stop it. I kiss Ian on the side of his head. "I'm so sorry."

"Please don't break up with me," Ian says.

"I want you to be safe," I tell him.

"We're safer together," Ian argues. I kiss him again and again.

"Not with my family."

"Please don't break up with me, Mickey. I'm fine. I'm safe now."

"You're safe for now. I'm going to deal with my brothers."

_I love you. This is hurting me._ I force myself to leave the Gallagher house. Ian chases after me. My heart fucking breaks. I don't look back at him. If I do, I won't be able to leave. Ian just lingers.

"This isn't what I want," Ian hollers.

I walk away before he pulls me back in. I want to turn around and run into his arms. I want to have him. I want to be his everything. He's my fucking life. I do turn around. I pivot on my heel and turn around. Ian's right there waiting with open arms and a kiss. I accept them both.

"Fuck."

"We'll be fine, Mick," Ian says wincing under the embrace. I let him go.

"No. This isn't good enough. Fuck that. Stay here. I'm kicking my brothers' asses," I tell him.

"But you're coming back," Ian says.

"Yeah, I'm coming back."

My brothers are still sitting under the fucking L. _Have they been here all fucking day?_ They greet me like nothing happened. Jamie is limping. I guess Fiona didn't bust his knee caps after all. Maybe I should fucking tell her. She can come back here to finish him off. Colin is smiling. But then I spot Mandy among them. She has a black eye herself and her left arm in a sling. _I'm going to fucking kill Kenyatta._

"How's Ian?" Mandy asks.

"He's fine no thanks to these assholes."

"Be queer get hit," Colin says. Mandy smacks him hard. "It was a joke, Mands, fuck."

"Ian is my best friend. Stay the fuck away from him."

"Sorry, Mick," says Colin, "Look, man, no hard feelings. I know Dad doesn't like it. He wants to kill Gallagher, and I'm pretty sure he'll try when he gets out. I just needed to get the fag bashing out of my system."

"Mickey put Kenyatta in a body cast for hitting Ian," Mandy says.

"That was you," Jamie and Colin say at the same time.

"The moral of the story, assholes, is that you don't fucking touch Ian," Mandy says.

"Why didn't you kill him?" Jamie asks.

"What?"

"Why didn't you kill Kenyatta?"

"Ian pulled me off him or I probably would have."

"Holy shit, Mick. I'm sorry. Gallagher is off limits. I'm never going to be okay with my little brother being a homo, but I can respect boundaries. As I said, at least you're not a faggot with a limp wrist."

"Did you get these from Kenyatta?" I ask Mandy in front of Colin and Jamie.

"I deserved it," Mandy says.

I look at my brothers. I know what they're thinking. I walk away while they head back to the house. Mandy is chasing after them. _Hopefully, they'll kill him._ I go back to Ian.

He's sitting on the porch like a puppy waiting for me. I rub his head.

"You came back," Ian says.

"I said I would, come on," I go inside and Ian follows me. I press him against the wall in the kitchen and kiss the fuck out of him. I don't care if people are watching. I rub my leg against Ian's during the kiss. He puts his hands on my head and deepens the kiss.

"Damn," says Veronica.

"I know. When was the last time we were kissed like that?" Fiona asks.

But we don't stop. I shove my tongue farther in Ian's mouth and claim him in the name of Milkovich. _Mine._ Ian seems surprised but he kisses back just as fiercely. We fight for domination and I win.

"They haven't to come up for oxygen at some point," says Debbie.

"No they don't," says Fiona and V at the same time. They burst out laughing. Ian stops kissing me and wipes his mouth. He's wearing the sappiest fucking smile. I am sure mine matches his.

"Ugh, how come no one loves me like that," Debbie asks, "It's not fair."

"You two are so fucking cute," says Veronica. "Damn, Mickey. You were about to swallow his head."

"You're a great kisser," Ian whispers.

"I learned from you, man," I say touching his back.

 


	75. Delirious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is sick. Mickey panics.

I don't feel so good. I must have eaten something really bad. My stomach feels like it's going to eat itself. I lean over the toilet and moan as I throw up repeatedly. When I have nothing left to throw up I lean against the sink and start to sob.

"Ian," says Mickey from the other side of the door. He's knocking on the door trying to come in. I cough out a sob and then lean over the toilet again. Mickey finds a way into the bathroom without breaking the door down. "You okay?"

"I think I'm dying."

"Here," says Lip handing me a glass of some carbonated beverage and a tiny cup full of generic Pepto Bismol. I down both of them. Lip helps me stand. I nearly collapse on him. He helps me back to bed. I pull the covers all around me and snuggle in.

"What?" Lip asks Mickey.

"I could have done that," Mickey says.

"But you didn't, he's my brother. I'll help him."

"No. Fuck you."

Mickey sits down on the side of the bed next to me. I look at him. He looks at me, and then touches my forehead. "You're burning up."

"Can I have another glass of Sprite?" I ask. I roll over away from him towards the wall when he leaves. I hear Mickey talking with Lip and Fiona about me.

"Hey," Fiona says coming in and sitting on the side of my bed. She kisses my shoulder. I moan in pain and start sobbing again. "Aw, feel better. Let me get you some Gatorade."

"What can I do?" Mickey asks.

"Nothing. Go to work, I've got this."

"Don't you have to work?" Mickey asks.

"I'll call in. Ian's sick."

"Let me take care of him," Mickey demands.

"I don't think so. Milkovich's aren't known for their nurturing skills," says Lip.

"I can take care of him."

"Jesus, Mickey, you're not married to him. You're not obligated to take care of him. Go to fucking work and leave us alone," says Lip.

I get up, wrap my blanket around me and walk into the hallway. Mickey's pouting. He pouts even more when he sees me. I sniffle. Fiona gets me a tissue and I blow my nose. "I don't want you arguing," I say.

"Ian, go back to bed," says Fiona.

I go into the bathroom to throw up. I begin to cry again while my head is in the toilet. Fiona is rubbing my back. Mickey and Lip are still arguing. I lean my head on Fiona's shoulder.

I slip on my blanket and nearly fall on Fiona in the bathroom. Mickey comes in to check on me. I lay face down on the floor and pull my blanket around me. Fiona tugs on my arms for me to get up.

"Come on, Ian, back to bed."

"I can't make it," I tell.

"Guys," Fiona says.

Lip and Mickey lift me up and half-carry/half-drag me to my bed. They both complain over how tall I am. I reach my mattress and curl up on there. Fiona tucks me in and strokes my hair.

"I'm going to call in to work. Ian is too sick to stay by himself."

"I'll be here," Lip says, "Go to work."

"Are you sure?" Fiona asks, "Can you watch Liam too?"

"Yeah, I've got this," Lip says.

"I want to take care of Ian," Mickey says.

"You have no idea what the fuck to even do, Mickey. Just stay away. It's better for everyone."

Mickey sits down beside me and rubs my shoulder. I burrow into my covers.

"I'm going to work, but that doesn't mean I don't care. Fuck. I do care, okay." Mickey pets me affectionately. I pop my head out of the covers to him looking at me. He smiles. "Feel better."

"I love you," I whisper so low he doesn't hear it.

"What'd you say?"

"I said thank you," I lie.

Mickey tries to kiss me but I burrow into my blankets. I don't feel like being romantic at all right now. He gives up and leaves. I take a long nap. When I wake up Lip is sitting on my bed with painkillers and a grilled cheese sandwich.

"You need to eat something," Lip says.

"I don't think I can keep any food down. I hurt everywhere," I tell him.

"I brought you a bucket," Lip says. He starts eating the sandwich he made for me. Lip scoots me over and slides into the bed. We don't speak for a while; we just lie side by side. Eventually Liam crawls in.

"I'll try to be more supportive of your relationship with Mickey," Lip says.

"Me too," says Liam. I smile.

Liam's head is on my stomach. I rub his back. He drifts off to sleep next to me. I hope I'm not contagious. When I feel like I'm going to get sick Lip grabs Liam as I lean over both of them toward my bucket.

"It's okay," Lip says rubbing my back.

"Lip," I say with a frown.

"Yeah," Lip says.

"I had an accident," I tell him. When I puked my bowls released. Lip helps me to the bathroom to clean me up. I sob in his arms and apologize profusely.

"Stop crying, Ian."

"I can't."

"You were always the healthy one in the family."

Lip runs the bath for me. I wish I felt weird for being in front of Lip, but I don't. It's the type of relationship we used to have before Mickey and I got together. Lip helps me into the tub. He turns his back and smokes while I bathe.

He helps me out of the tub when I'm done and helps me dry off. Lip is there when I get on my knees in front of the toilet with just a towel around my waist. Lip picks out clean clothes for me and helps dress me because I don't have the energy to do it myself.

"Drink this." Lip gives me a blue Gatorade.

"I don't want it."

"I'll force it down you."

I sit up and take it from Lip. I take a few gulps and hand it back to Lip. I lay back down. Liam gets back in bed with me. We take a nap together. I squeeze Liam in my sleep like he's a teddy bear. He whispers how much he loves me and I can't help but smile.

"Hey," says Mickey when I awake. He's staring at me.

"Aren't you working?"

"I'm taking a break. I wanted to check on you and Lip wasn't answering the phone. Are you feeling any better?"

"No. Where's Liam?"

"He's downstairs watching TV. Are you going to be okay?" Mickey touches my face. "You're burning up."

"Hold me," I whisper as I snuggle deeper into my burrito of bed sheets and blankets. Mickey slides into bed with me and wraps around me like a hot dog bun. I put my head against his chest. I feel like throwing up again, but I force it back.

"Ian, Dr. Lishman is on his way over," says Lip.

"You called _him_?" Mickey asks.

Mickey releases me and gets out of bed. I crawl to the edge of the bed and use my bucket which Lip had just cleaned. The tears start up again as Lip forces another pain pill into me. It had been a few hours since I took one. He makes me wash it down with the blue Gatorade which I immediately throw up.

"Ian's sick. His temperature is way too fucking high."

"There are other fucking doctors."

"Mickey." I want to cuddle again, but he doesn't want to. I hug my pillow as I quietly weep into it.

Dr. Lishman comes right after Mickey goes back to work. He takes my temperature and examines me. I hide my face in my blankets after he leaves.

"The good news, you're not dying," says Lip coming back in with crackers and ginger ale.

"What's the bad news?"

"This is probably going to last a while."

I get a little delirious and start muttering out stupid shit. Thankfully it's only Lip in the room. Lip tries to keep me awake during my delusions.

"I love you, Mick. I've always loved you. Remember when we played little league together and you were kicked off the team for pissing on first base? I loved you back then. You were so cute with your grumpy face and your blue eyes. I was fucking smitten."

"Jesus, Ian," Lip says, he touches my forehead. I kiss his hand. "Get the fuck off me, man."

"Mickey, do you love me? I want to hear you say it. But I just want you to know, that I was over the moon when I learned you were gay. It was like I a dream. You were so cute with the disheveled way you looked and how dirty you were. I miss dirty you sometimes."

"Holy shit, am I getting the whole fucking story?" Lip asks.

"Frank hit me, Lip. He busted my nose. I don't know why. He punched me in the face when you and Fiona weren't looking. I guess I do know why. I had taken his Old Style and his drugs. I was going to flush them and he caught me, sat on me and punched me."

"I'm not fucking surprised. Frank is a useless asshole, drink this."

Lip sits me up and forces me to drink something. It calms me down a little. I roll over and my head on Lip's lap. I reach for a blanket but Lip is trying to cool me down. "Holy shit, you're red hot. Stay here, Ian."

"I love you, Lip. You're my best friend. I didn't mean to run away. I just wanted Mickey to love me."

"How long has he been like this?" I think that's Tony's voice.

"All day. I thought his fever would break. Do me a favor. Get a lot of ice and put it in the tub."

"Yeah," says Tony. Lip gets me out of bed and drags me to the bathroom. I step into the bathtub and curl up in a ball. Lip makes me stretch out. I shake. Lip strips me. I am shaking harder than ever and Lip is running cold water over me.

"How did you get that much ice that quickly?" Lip asks Tony.

"Let over from my party last night. Here let's pour it on him. He's like a radiator," Tony says.

"Why are we pouring ice on Ian?" Carl asks.

"To break his fever, Carl, get some more ice and then call Mickey."

_"Ian," Lip sounds so far away. His voice is echoing. I can see him, but he's blurry. Tony is staring at me too. He's speaking to me gently. I can barely see or hear them. "Don't go to sleep, man." I just want to close my eyes for a second. I feel cold water splash in my face and I am alert, but barely._

_"Is he dying?" Carl asks._

_"Get ice," Lip screams. Tony's holding my hand now._

_"Can I go to sleep yet?" I ask._

_"No. He's still fucking hot."_

After a while I stop shaking, but then start shivering. I suddenly realize what's going on. I try to sit up, Tony releases my hand. Lip sighs in relief and nervously laughs. He pats me on the back. Mickey steps into the bathroom.

"I thought we lost you for a moment," Lip says.

"Ian," Mickey says with panic on his face.

"I'm fine, Mick," I say weakly. Tony and Lip help me out of the tub. I collapse in Tony's arms.

When I wake up I'm in my bed dressed in pajama bottoms and a tank top. Lip, Debbie, Mickey, Tony, and Fiona are staring at me. I sit up and rub my head which is throbbing.

"Thanks for your help," Lip tells Tony, "I'm so fucking glad you were home."

"Yeah, man, I'm glad it was my day off. Ian, I am glad your fever has broken."

"I still ache all over," I tell them. Fiona and Lip laugh softly. Fiona and Debbie attack me with kisses. I look at Mickey. He's leaning against Carl's bed staring at me. I lay back down. Lip makes me drink some more Gatorade to keep me hydrated.

"I can take it from here," Mickey says.

"If you don't mind, Mickey, I'd like to stay here with my brother," Lip says.

"Why won't you let me help?"

"Please stop arguing. I just want to sleep."

Mickey gets in bed with me. He puts his arms around me and I scoot out of them. I hurt too much to want to be touched. Mickey just stays beside me. I hold his hand.

"Lip," I whisper. Lip gets in my bed too. It's awfully crowded with the three of us, but I want to be with them both. Lip puts me between him and Mickey. I guess he doesn't want to lay next to Mickey. I have my head on Lip's chest and my hand in Mickey's. "Stay with me."

"Ian, your bed is too small," Mickey says.

"Shut the fuck up, man."

Lip and Mickey's conflicting scents make me happy. I nuzzle into Lip and pull Mickey in much closer. "Thanks for sticking by me today."

"You're my little brother."

"I love you."

"Who are you talking to?" Mickey asks.

"Fuck, I think he's asleep."

 


	76. Sick Ian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian is ill, and Mickey is dealing with it.

Ian is still sick, but at least his fever has gone down. It's not gone completely, but it's not dangerously high like it was. Ian's now stuffed up and pronounces my name as "Meeky". Ryan fucking chuckles every time and I give him a death glare.

Ian's body temperature is still hot, but he's not radiator hot. I lean against him and he sniffles into a tissue. "Dobt look at me, Meeky. I'm ugly," Ian says, my heart swells up. _You're still fucking beautiful, asshole._

"Ian, I brought you some soup and ginger ale," says Fiona. Ian sits up in bed. Fiona has put his food on a tray for him. I watch him try to alternate between eating and breathing. It's pathetic but adorable.

"I like you like this," Ryan tells Ian as he finishes reading to him. Ian seems happy for the company. Fiona takes his temperature.

"Still 101. I don't like it at all, but it could be worse. We might have to dunk you in ice again."

"No." Fiona leaves and Ian tries to eat. He has tears in his eyes. I want to hold him, but he doesn't want to be touched. I can't blame him. He probably doesn't feel very sexy, even though he is. _Ian's always sexy._

"I'm pawetic," Ian says.

"What?" Ryan asks.

"Pathetic," I translate. Ian gets mad and his cheeks puff out as he sets his jaw. He puts the tray of food aside and crosses his arms.

"I hate being sick," Ian moves the tray and makes himself into a burrito in his blankets. "Meeky?"

"Yeah," I say.

"Woulb you cubble wif me?" Ian asks.

If looks could kill Ryan would be fucking dead. I flip him off and make him leave. I find a way inside Ian's blanket burrito and cuddle him. He's hot as fuck. It's like touching the fucking sun, but I hold on to him. I start to sweat, but I don't let go. "You need a fucking shower, man."

"Hey," says Lip.

"Fuck off, man."

"Get out of there. Ian needs to be bringing his temperature down, not raising it. Get up."

"I want Meeky."

"I'm sure you do, Ian, but you need to get better. You've been sick for two days. I'm running out of things to tell the club."

Okay, I'm sick of this fucking asshole. His name should be Chip rather than Lip, because he has a big one on his shoulder. I really want to kick his ass. His brother was so sick he almost died, and he still acts like an asshole.

I wiggle out of Ian's burrito and deck Lip. We engage in a fight that has been long overdue. I have wanted to do this for fucking ever. Lip is a terrible fighter. I don't stop until I hear a thunk behind me. Ian has fallen out of bed. Lip and I scramble to help him. He landed on his face and his nose is bleeding.

"Stop fighting."

"Look what you did, Mickey."

"I didn't do this."

"Oh my god. Stop it."

Ian's crying again. I know it's because he's sick, but I still feel like a fucking asshole. Lip and I help Ian back into bed. He's still burning up. I grab Fiona's thermometer and take his temp. It's risen to 102. _I thought he was getting better._

Ian retches on me. I take a step back as Lip grabs the bucket from the foot of the bed and puts it in front of Ian. Ian moans before puking again and then curls back into his blankets.

"Wip," Ian says. He groans and tries again. "Lip."

"What?"

"Can I go to the free clinic?"

"You can barely get out of bed, Ian."

Ian tries to prove Lip wrong by standing but he just pukes and falls down and starts crying again. I give him a painkiller and rub his back. He sobs harder and actually starts shaking. I can almost see the heat rising off him.

Carl, Lip, Debbie, and Kev leave to get ice. Fiona and I try to get Ian to put some fluids in him. He refuses to take anything. "Hold me." I don't know which one of us Ian is talking to, but I am more than happy to oblige. Ryan comes in with a pharmacy bag.

"You're not giving him unprescribed drugs," I snatch the bag from Ryan. Most of the stuff is over the counter. I apologize and start to go through it with Fiona.

"Don't let Frank find these, okay, I am going to give him one of these right now and two more in four hours." Fiona makes Ian swallow a really big pill. He doesn't protest.

"Can I please go to the hospital?" Ian asks, he rolls over and starts sobbing hysterically. My heart is breaking seeing him in this condition. He has no color in his skin. I sit Ian. He has no energy to sit up on his own. I lean him against a wall while I feed him soup. Ian's head falls against my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him. "Please."

"Fuck," I say. I get off the bed and throw Ian over my shoulder. Lip and the others have returned with Ice but I tell them Ian is going to the hospital. Lip tries to fight me, and I almost drop Ian twice, but I win out. Kev offers to drive. I put Ian in the middle between me and Kev and hold him up.

"I'm cold," Ian says.

"No, you're not. Your body feels like the fucking sun."

Fiona and the rest of the Gallagher clan arrive by the L a little later. Kev and I have already gotten Ian into a wheel chair. The Emergency room is packed with people with problems, and we have to wait. _Why the fuck is it call the Emergency Room._ I throw a fucking fit that it's so long for them to see Ian. He's fucking miserable.

"Could you please take a look at Ian?" I ask a nurse who walks by. She ignores me. I grab a stapler off the counter and throw it at her. "Hey, bitch, I'm talking to you. See the red head over there," I physically turn her face in Ian's direction, "He's been sick for two days. His fever isn't breaking. I want you to get someone to take him and examine him."

"I'll call the police," the nurse says.

"Just fucking look at him. That's it."

It's another twenty minutes before someone gets to Ian. They wheel him back when I'm screaming at a different nurse. Kev tries to calm me down. The Gallaghers have arrived. They're spread out like cockroaches. Fiona looks nervous.

"He'll be fine, Mickey," says Kev.

"Yeah, what makes you so sure?"

"Ian's tough."

"He's gentle and kind, and beautiful," I say, and feel embarrassed and flustered for admitting that to Kev. But Kev understands. "We've been through a lot. We have been through enough shit that would break up any normal couple, but somehow Ian and I always find our way back to each other. We can't stay away."

"What happened?" Kev asks.

"What?"

"What happened that made Ian leave?"

I go into great detail about those events. I was trying to forget about them, but that's not something that will ever be forgotten. Kev is speechless when I finish. He puts his hand on my knee and squeezes it. "That's why you hate Svetlana!"

"I don't hate Svetlana."

"You know what I mean. That is some crazy shit. You should have just told Ian you loved him when he told you he enlisted."

_Everyone says that. I fucking know that!_

"It's not so easy for me."

"Miss Gallagher," says some woman. We all stand up. The nurse approaches Fiona. I push everyone out of my way to hear what's being said. "Ian has a fever 104. This is nothing to ignore. He should have been brought in sooner."

"What's wrong with him?" I ask.

"He has severe pneumonia."

"Is he dying?" Carl asks.

"No, he isn't dying."

"Are we allowed to see him?" Fiona asks.

"Family only," she says looking at me and Kev.

"Fuck you and your fucking rules," I tell her.

"You can't let him back there to see Ian for five minutes?"

The nurse considers it. She says no, and I go anyway. I don't care if they throw me the fuck out. It'll take the police a while to get here and I'll have time to see Ian. I kick the door open and search for Ian. When I find him he's holding his blanket to his chin and sobbing.

"Hey, Tough Guy, how are you feeling?"

"Like shit. Stay with me." Ian takes my hand.

"I can't. I'm not supposed to be back here."

The nurse comes in with the officers and Ian asks them to let me stay. She doesn't have the heart to tell him no. I stroke Ian's hair and lean over to kiss him. He burrows into his covers again.

"No."

"Sorry."

"I'm ugly."

_He's fucking beautiful._

"I'm ugly too, but I'm not bitching about it."

That puts a smile on his face. Only then does he allow me to kiss him. I look up and see Fiona watching us. I kiss Ian again and give her some time with him. "I'll be right outside."

Fiona goes in to be with Ian. I lean against the wall and sigh. I want to kick myself for not bringing him in sooner. I look in the window at Ian lying in that bed hopeless and my heart constricts. He's sick and I can't do a fucking thing about it. That realization makes me wonder if I'm cut out for this.

How can I love someone if I can't take care of them when they're sick? _Let him go._ Fuck that. I let him go once and he came back. Aren't those the fucking rules? If it comes back I can keep it? Or some bull shit.

I'm going to fight for him. I want to be with him so badly it fucking hurts. I press myself against the window. Ian is smiling at Fiona.

"Hey," says Lip.

"What do you want, asshole?"

"You made a good call bringing Ian in. I still don't trust you."

"Fuck off, man. I care about Ian."

"Yeah, see I'm not buying it."

"I honestly don't give a fuck what you think, Gallagher."

Lip goes in to see Ian and I linger in the hallway watching from the window. Debbie tells me they're admitting Ian. He'll have to stay overnight. _Over my fucking dead body._ They set him up a room and I make camp. They try to make me leave but I won't budge. The room has a big arm chair. I'll sleep there. I tell every nurse or whoever comes in to fuck off when they ask me to leave.

"Let him stay," Ian mumbles.

"Yeah, let him stay," says Fiona, "I want someone here with Ian."

"But Mickey?" Lip says.

"He's protective," Fiona says in my favor.

Someone brings me a pillow and a blanket. I make a bed for myself. Ian goes right to sleep. I stay awake for awhile staring at him or watching TV on silent. Ian wakes up shivering several times. I kiss his head and pull his covers up.

"Are you married?" A woman asks me.

"Yeah."

"I'll tell the front desk. If they knew all along that he was your husband they wouldn't have made a big deal about you staying." _They think I'm married to Ian._ "How long have you been married?"

"Two years."

"So you got married out of state then? That's sweet. I bet it was a beautiful ceremony."

_Uh. What am I doing?_

"Not really."

"Well, he seems to have everything he needs, I will be on duty all night so let me know if I can get anything for you, Mr. Gallagher. My name is Maggie."

"Mickey."

Sometime before dawn, I am awakened by Ian's long freckled arm reaching out to hold my hand. The warmth of his hand pulls me out slumber. He's staring at me. I peck him a quick kiss. His fever is going down. It hasn't broken yet.

"Did you really tell my nurse we're married?"

"She assumed. I didn't correct her."

Ian laughs until he coughs and the stops and explains that it hurts him to do so.

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

Ian scoots over and makes room for me on his bed. I sit next to him and hold him. I want him to get better. I need him to get better. I kiss the side of his head.

 


	77. Catching Up to Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey says good bye to someone he loves.

I've been out of the hospital for three days, and its difficult adjusting to my schedule again. Every time I sneeze or cough someone freaks out.

Fiona has a new job at a place called Pasty's Pies. Her boss there is really good-looking. I guess that's why she hasn't shut up about him all morning.

"Sean has the best ass," Fiona says.

"Seriously, just fuck him already," I tell her as I drop a pork chop in the Ziploc bag and shake it around in the breading. When it's evenly coated I put it in the electric skillet that Mickey stole for us. He is off with his brothers. I think they're thinking of a way to earn more money.

"Speaking of fucking, were you and Mickey filming a porno last night? What the fuck were those sounds coming from the bathroom?"

I smile widely. Mickey and I may have made up for some lost time in the bathroom last night. We're not supposed to do it in my room because of Carl and Liam, but we didn't waste any time in the bathroom.

"Making up for lost time."

"Jesus, Ian. Either you're really good or Mickey is easy to please."

"Can we not talk about this?"

"About your porno," Lip says putting out his cigarette and picking up Liam.

"You heard?" Fiona asks.

"Nope. Saw the live show. Yeah, that's a mental image permanently burned into my brain."

"Should have knocked."

I lay out several pork chops and cover the electric skillet. I move on to the vegetables. We're having Brussels sprouts. Fiona is making salad and I want to have macaroni and cheese but she believes it will be too starchy.

Fiona is making biscuits from scratch. We work together to make dinner. I am making pork chops because Mickey likes them and I want to thank him for taking care of me while I was sick. Some grease from the pork chops pops and nearly scorches the hairs off my arm.

"You okay?" inquires Fiona.

"Yep."

Mickey comes home as dinner is finished. He kicks off his shoes and looks about to punch someone in the face. He sits down at the table and I hand him a beer before he can even ask for one. He thanks me, which gets him a scoff from Lip. I set the table. Debbie and Carl are arguing over puberty or some shit, I kiss Debs and punch Carl's arm.

"Mickey's still here?" Carl asks.

I sneeze. Everyone looks at me. I roll my eyes and continue setting the table. They stop watching me when a second sneeze doesn't follow. Everyone sits down together. I like it this way. I sit between Lip and Mickey. On one side, Lip is telling me about school; on the other side Mickey is quiet as a fucking mouse.

"These pork chops are unevenly cooked," Carl says. "Mine is burnt on one end and barely cooked on the other.

 _Ouch._ Carl continues to bitch about my cooking and I reach a breaking point. I stand up, slam my fist on the table, and take his plate. "Fine, you don't have to fucking eat it."

"Ian," says Mickey.

"I'm sorry I ruined everyone's fucking dinner."

I storm off upstairs and kick my dresser. I tried. Mickey has obediently followed me. He put his pork chop on bread and is eating it like a sandwich. "I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. I think it's good."

"You're lying."

"Fuck off. I'm not lying. It's good."

"Don't patronize me, Mick. It's shit. I'm a shit cook. I wanted to do something nice for you but I ruin everything."

"Fuck, Ian. Not this fucking shit again. I thought maybe you were over that bull shit."

"What bull shit?"

"The bipolar thing."

"I'm not bipolar. I'm just pissed off."

"Fuck." Mickey takes a huge bite of his pork chop sandwich.

"Stop eating that stupid pork chop."

"Don't tell me what to do. I can eat it if I fucking want."

Mickey sits beside me on the bed eating his pork chop. I cross my arms across my chest. I just wanted to make everyone a nice dinner. Carl comes in.

"Hey, I'm sorry, I was teasing. They're really good."

"Yeah, they're good, Ian," says Lip, "Come back downstairs and let's eat."

"You told them to say that, didn't you?" I ask Mickey.

"What? No."

"Who made this? It's fucking delicious," says Kev with his mouth full of food.

"I didn't even know Kev was here," Mickey says, "Please stop being a little bitch and come downstairs."

"I'm sorry, what am I?" I ask.

"Fuck. Ian, I didn't mean it like that."

I shove Mickey. I push everyone out of my room and I slam the door in their faces. I start throwing Mickey's clothes and shit into a pillowcase and open the door. I toss it to him and ask him to leave me alone. The second I close the door Mickey opens it and is in my face. Lip, Carl, and Kev disappear downstairs, but not until Kev makes sure I can see him thump Carl in the back of the head.

"Get the fuck out."

"Don't tell me what to fucking do, Gallagher."

"Oh, so now we're back to Gallagher." _Fuck you, Mickey._

"Until we get this fucking settled, yeah, you're Gallagher again. I'm going to talk, and you're to fucking listen. I have been by your _fucking_ side since I came out in the Alibi. I have been through your ups and your downs, and I have been through your 'crazy' moments, but I fucking stayed by you. So why the fuck would you think I would lie to you about a meal you cooked for me? Carl was messing around. Your brothers are assholes. The only members of your family I can stand are Fiona, Debbie, and the black one—Liam, I think. Hey, I'm sorry I called you a little bitch, but you were acting like one."

I take Mickey's bag back from him and start emptying his clothes onto my bed. I kiss him on the top of his head to show I forgive him. He takes my hand and we go downstairs to eat together with my family. They waited for me.

"It really is delicious, Ian," says Fiona.

"I'm sorry I overreacted."

"I was kidding. You're my brother; I don't get to tease you?" Carl asks.

Everyone is silent on the subject. I feel like I'm missing something. I dig into my pork chop. It is good. I slap the back of Carl's head. Lip laughs and does it too. He rubs my shoulder. They were only joking about it.

After dinner, Mickey and I have a major make out session in my bedroom. Mickey stops it half way to talk about some of our issues as a couple. While I'm happy he wants to address them, I want to make out some more. I tangle my hand in his shirt and put the other behind his neck. I pull him in and meet his lips.

Mickey grinds against me. I feel the erection starting to form in my jeans. Mickey fumbles to unbutton my pants. I moan softly as he bites my bottom lip. Mickey does something he's not done much, and that's give me a rim job.

Mickey teases me by fingering my ass. I raise an eye brow and he smiles. I let him continue. It does feel fucking good. Mickey lathers up his finger and sticks it in. I bite his lip to convey my pleasure. Mickey slides in another finger.

"Oh fuck," I squeak.

It feels good. I hadn't bottomed in so long I forgot what it was like. Mickey puts his mouth on my erect dick and starts to suck while inserting another finger into me. I moan loudly then hiccup. Mickey grins but doesn't stop sucking.

"Ew," says Carl coming in the room. We don't stop. I'm not sure we can stop. It disturbs me greatly that Carl stands there watching for quite a long time. "Jesus, get the fuck out!" I growl at Carl.

"No way, I finally know where the gay wieners go," says Carl.

"Carl," Lip says, "Fuck. Shut the fucking door next time." Lip drags Carl away and shuts the door behind him. Mickey makes me come so hard into his mouth. He runs to the bathroom to spit while I pull my pants up. I can barely move.

"Shit, Mickey," I tell him. I sneeze twice. Mickey pins me down and takes my temperature.

"98, I was just checking."

"Stop worrying. That was amazing," I whisper as I kiss him.

During the night, Mickey and I touch each other quietly. He tries to moan so I put my hand over his mouth. Mickey and I find a way to do it without waking Carl or Liam. We hear the bunk bed move and stop. I put my finger to my lips and shush Mickey.

"Is he jerking off?" Mickey whispers.

"Carl?" I ask.

"If you two can fuck in here I can jerk off," Carl argues. _Can't argue with that logic._ I get up and reach up to Carl's bed and poke him in the gut.

"Please tell me you're not getting off to us."

"Megan Fox," Carl points at his ceiling.

I check on Liam. He's snoring softly. I kiss him and then get back in bed with Mickey. I want to cuddle, he doesn't. Sometime during the night, I get up. I put on my shoes and go for a run outside. It's still dark, but I can't sleep.

I run until the sun comes up. I turn around and run home. Mickey and Fiona are smoking on the porch. I know they were waiting for me. "What's going on?" I ask.

"Fiona and I talked, and you and I are going back to my place. Get your shit."

I pack. I'm happy to return home with Mickey. Mickey walks beside me back to his house. We hold hands. Some lady stares too long and Mickey tells her to fuck off, but doesn't let go of my hand. Mickey's brothers are still there. I get a little nervous and stand a little closer to Mickey.

"Hey," says Colin eyeballing me like I'm a fucking piece of meat.

"Why the fuck is he still here?" Mickey points at Kenyatta.

"I won't be for long. If I get this job I'm moving to Indiana."

"Good. Bye." Mickey walks around the house as if he's searching for something. He goes in every room twice. I turn in circles trying to follow his train of thought, but I can't. I stop him. He's a little frantic.

"Where's Ryan?"

"Fat ass moved back in with his mother," Jamie says, "He apparently didn't like us. He called us psychos and packed his shit and left. He went home to his mommy."

"Fuck," whispers Mickey.

It takes Mickey all of ten minutes to decide something I decided on the moment it was said. He wants to track Ryan down. I decide to go with him. Mickey protests, but he can't stop me. We don't speak on the train. _Does he even know where Ryan lives?_

Ryan's house is in a quiet suburb. I knew he wasn't Southside. I never expected this. Mickey and I don't belong here. We look like white trash. There are no sirens, no trash on the street, no graffiti, no Frank passed out on the lawn. It's quiet.

Mickey raps on the door until someone answers. It becomes obvious Mickey has no patience for social graces. I step up and do the talking. The kind woman at the door looks frightened. Mickey steps aside so that I am the only one in her view. She is a little warmer to me than Mickey.

"Ryan is not going back to that Hell hole. He's been through enough. It's all Mickey's fault. Which one of you is Mickey?" Mickey flips her off. She sighs. "You stay away from my son."

"Fuck off, Lady." Mickey physically moves me out of the way and shoulder-pushes his way into her home. He doesn't care that he knocks Ryan's mom over. I can tell by the look on Mickey's face that he wants to rob the place. I wait until I'm invited in.

"Have a seat," she tells me. I sit on the couch while Mickey explores the house for Ryan.

"Mickey, don't."

"Hey Ryan, get your fat fucking ass down here."

Ryan comes out of his room wearing a big smile. I watch him and Mickey hug. Mickey's not that open or affectionate with anyone. It's nice to see that Ryan has entered his heart.

"You don't need me anymore," Ryan tells Mickey.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't belong on the Southside, Mick. I belong here. You have Ian, your life. I don't fit in with it. This is the way it has to be. You've learned everything you can from me."

"Learned from you? Whatever the fuck you say, Yoda."

"Free you are. Be your own person, you must," Ryan says in a dead on impersonation of Yoda. Mickey actually smiles.

"You're my friend, alright. You're family," Mickey says. I want to cry. _Mickey is so sweet._ "That's permanent."

"Thanks, Mick. I'll come visit."

Mickey pats Ryan on the shoulder and then we leave before Ryan's mom calls the cops. I catch Mickey trying to steal something expensive and make him put it back. On the bus ride back I see a tear fall down Mickey's cheek before he can catch it. I take his hand.

I kiss him on the side of his face. I know how he's feeling right now. But Ryan was right in a lot of ways. Mickey doesn't need him to guide him anymore. He's right where he needs to be.


	78. Bipolarity Strikes Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Ian seemed fine, bipolar disorder rears it's ugly head. Mickey doesn't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first season 5 chapter. I am going to side swipe canon a little. It's going to go into the first episode, but in a different way.

I hate my fucking self for acting all _girly_ and shit over my fucking feelings. Every time Ian does anything I am filled with worry and butterflies—mostly butterflies. Even right now, when Ian's behavior is fucking strange, I still get the fucking butterflies. He's is apparently building a fucking army of garden gnomes.

Ian has arranged them according to color of their stupid hats. He has them lined up on the coffee table in the living room, and in a straight line on the floor. He has at least seventeen. For the past week he has been stealing them from people's yards and bringing them home.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Colin asks. He blazes up as he watches Ian intently.

"How the fuck should I know?" I ask.

"Mickey, this isn't normal," says Mandy rubbing my shoulders.

Ian gets up, goes to our room, and comes back with three more fucking gnomes. So he has twenty. He puts the last three in the line. Ian stands back and stares at them as if he's about to give them fucking commands. While I'm fucking worried about him, I can't stop my heart from pounding.

"Is he on drugs?" Colin asks.

_I wish._ Drug use I understand. I can cope with drug use. This is a whole new ballpark for me. Ian comes over to me where I sit at the table smoking my third cigarette in a row. Worrying about Ian is going to turn me into a chain smoker. He takes my hand. That's when I feel them. _Fucking butterflies._ My heart is pounding in my head and my fucking legs feel like jelly.

"We need more gnomes," Ian says counting them softly while holding my hand.

"No, we don't."

"I think four more should do it," Ian says.

"Do what exactly?" I ask.

"Come with me. I think Sheila has gnomes," Ian says. He tugs on my arm to get me to follow him. I give up trying to resist. I might as well go to keep him fucking safe. Ian takes two gnomes from Sheila's neighbor and we go on a hunt for more. I know for a fact Ian will not stop until he has found the fucking gnomes.

"Ian, what are we even doing?"

"I have to collect the gnomes."

_Yeah, because that makes perfect fucking sense._ I stare at him, and I mean really stare at him. _What is going on in that pretty head of yours? Fuck._

"Ian, let's go home," I say tugging on his arm. He won't budge.

"No. I have to get them."

Ian steals a gnome out of someone's yard. I trudge after him and try to keep up. He takes another one and tries to balance them all in his massive hands, which for him is easy. I try to take one but he won't surrender.

We return home. The gnomes are right where Ian left them. Yesterday Colin and Iggy were playing with them and Iggy broke one. Ian almost broke his fucking arm. So they know not to touch them. I just want to know what they're for.

Ian stands up the last four gnomes according to hat color. After they're in a perfectly straight line he starts arranging them into groups. I sit on the floor and watch him. I take Ian's hands and follow his line of sight so he'll be forced to look at me. _Come back to me._

"What are you doing?"

"I want them arranged by beard size. You take the clean shaven gnomes, and I'll do these," Ian says. _So now I'm fucking enabling whatever the fuck this is?_ I shrug at Mandy. She shakes her head. I look at Ian. He's waiting for me to help him. I pet Ian's head and squat down next to him.

"Ian, we need to talk."

"Can it wait?"

I look at Mandy. She nods for me to go on. Ian is lining up the fucking gnomes again like he's a little kid. I continue to pet his hair. _It's soft as fuck._ The butterflies start up again and my breath hitches in my throat.

Ian doesn't stop, no matter how much I persist, until Colin shoots one of the gnomes and shatters it. Ian gets cut on the shattered ceramic. I make him stand up so I can clean the cut. He has tears in his eyes. I nod at Mandy and when I get Ian away from the gnomes she begins to get rid of them.

"Don't you start fucking crying over creepy ass gnomes," I tell Ian as I wash out the cut.

"I liked them."

"I know."

_Please don't tell me they talk to you._

It takes Ian all of ten minutes to move on. I am amazed at how quickly he can snap back. It's giving me fucking whiplash. Ian kisses me quickly and puts his giant hands on my hips. Ian lays his head on my shoulder and starts sucking at my neck. I press my whole body against him.

"Do you regret being with me?" Ian asks after our heated make out session in the bathroom. I find myself flustered. My hand balled up in his shirt, my dick is throbbing, and my lips are swollen. I can feel his heat against me and it's making my head spin.

"Stop talking and fuck me," I whisper.

"I'm serious, Mick."

"I'm serious too."

Ian gives up and tries to leave. I take his hand and pull him back into me. I squeeze his hand since we're in the privacy of the bathroom. Ian shoves me and I fall over the toilet.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I ask.

"Answer my fucking question."

"I'm happy," I tell Ian. Ian accepts the answer and we go at it like horny school boys. Ian pounds the fuck out of me in the bathroom. I can barely walk when it's over. I feel sated and full. Ian pulls me into the empty bathtub and attacks me with kisses.

"I'm happy too," Ian says before we go at it again. I try very hard not to scream out when Ian hits my good spot. He's holding my hand as he pounds me. I want to yell out swear words but instead I bite down on Ian's shoulder.

When everything is over Ian leaves the bathroom. I physically can't move yet. I wait until I can hear Ian screaming before I leave the bathroom. "What the fuck is going on?"

"Ian's fighting with Colin," Mandy says.

"What the fuck happened?"

"I have no idea."

"Ian," I say, he's at my brother's throat. Colin looks like he's trying not to laugh at Ian. I step between them. It becomes clear how much shorter I am than Ian, but I don't let that stop me. I push him away from Colin. "Calm down, okay."

"He fucking called me crazy," Ian said through gritted teeth, "Then he smashed one of the gnomes in front of me."

The evidence lie on the floor in about a million pieces. Yevgeny was crying. Ian stops whatever he was doing and picks up Yev. It's as if nothing happened at all, just like that. I take a deep breath and look at Mandy. She is biting her bottom lip.

"He's getting worse, Mick," Mandy says touching my arm.

"What the fuck are you talking about? So he's moody. Who the fuck isn't?"

"Mickey, he needs help," says Mandy.

"Then I'll fucking help him."

"Fucking crazy," Colin says.

I flip my brother off. Ian is playing with the baby. He's smiling. I whack my brother with the broom and make him clean up the mess he made of Ian's gnomes. "Put the rest of them in a box beside my bed undamaged."

"Why?"

"Ian likes them."

I touch Ian's back. He smiles at me. I fucking melt. _This is so gay._ Ian kisses Yevgeny's forehead and I feel a twinge of something deep within me gnawing at my gut.

"You know what we should do," Ian says. _Oh fuck what now?_

"What?"

"Let's get family pictures taken."

"Why the fuck would I want to do that?"

"We're a couple now, aren't we?"

"Yeah, but we're not fucking married."

"It doesn't matter, Mick. We're doing it."

Ian hands me Yev. I hold him rather awkwardly. Ian heads to our bedroom. I bring Yev along uncomfortably. I sit him on the edge of the bed and watch Ian pick out our clothes.

"You can wear this. We have got to get you more dress shirts. This is pathetic." Ian holds up my best shirt. I sit on my bed and smoke two cigarettes while I list the reasons why we shouldn't do this. Ian isn't listening.

"It'll be great," Ian says.

_I highly doubt it._ I go with Ian to the photography place. It's packed full of parents wearing matching clothes and kids who don't really want to be there. Most of the men were dragged their by their wives. A couple of lesbians are forcing their daughter to sit still long enough for the photos.

Ian and I are stared at when we walk in. _This is fucking ridiculous._ A woman wearing a bright smile greets us. "I'm so sorry, we're full up today. You can make an appointment and come back."

"What?" says Ian.

"Ian," I say.

"No, this is bull shit. I want to get my family's pictures taken today. I don't want to come back."

"Ian," I say putting my hand on his elbow. He hands me Yev. Ian gets in the woman's face. I grab him by the shoulder to pull him back.

"Let's go to another place. They obviously don't want our business," I say loudly to try to make Ian feel better. Ian nods.

"Yeah, fuck them," Ian says on the way out of the door. "I can't believe her."

"I know of another place we can go," I tell Ian.

Ian and I walk several blocks in silence. I want to say something. I'm a fucking pussy because I can't. He holds my hand and I try to speak again, but I back out. We make it to the other photography place in time for Ian to get us a spot.

I sit through about a million pictures and don't smile until they force me and Ian to stare into each other's eyes. I can't stop myself from smiling at him. After we're done, Ian let's a bunch of women admire Yev. I stand next to him loyally and smile from time to time as they compliment the little bundle of chunk in Ian's arms.

"Excuse me, son," says a woman tugging on my shirt.

"Yes, ma'am," I say, and cringing from being so polite.

"You need Jesus," she says. I roll my eyes and start to walk away but she grabs me. "I'm serious. What you and that boy did is an abomination and I have half a mind to call DCFS on you. That poor baby is being raised in debauchery. How dare you?"

"Go fuck yourself," I say and grab Ian by the elbow. "We're leaving. Let's go."

"But I'm having fun," Ian says.

"I don't give a rat's ass. You can play housewife at home, Martha Stewart."

"Queers," says the church woman. I have a kung fu grip on Ian as I'm dragging his ass out of the photo studio.

"She called us queers, Mickey."

"I will throw your ass over my shoulder and carry you home kicking and screaming if I have to. Let's fucking go."

Ian nods. He convinces me to stop and get pizza. I spent more money than I wanted to today, and I'm wearing a fucking tie. I'm ready to go. Ian just won't come on.

"Yeah, well fuck you too," says Ian as he comes out of the pizza place in a rage. I catch up with him carrying Yev. Ian's fucking long legs make him hard to keep up with.

"What the fuck was that?" I ask.

Ian talks a mile a minute about how the pizza guy won't divide the pizza into half cheese and half regular toppings. He's very angry. I stare at him. Ian leans against me, and I wrap my arm around him and try to calm him down and at the same time not squish Yevgeny.

"Ian, I think we should talk," I begin.

"About what?" He asks innocently.

"Nevermind. Let's go to the park and forget about the pizza. We can make out in public," I tell Ian wiping the tears off his face. He smiles. I press a kiss to his chin.

I don't know what's going on with him. I don't know if he's got that bipolar bull shit, or if he's just losing his fucking mind, but I know one thing. He's not the same Ian he was, and that scares the fuck out of me.

 


	79. Wild Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian can't help himself anymore. Ian and Mickey team up to help Debbie find a boyfriend.

I can't help this feeling inside me. Something is pulling me into doing something I don't want to do. That's why I'm standing in this bathroom with a guy who isn't Mickey. That's why he's touching me. I just _need_ him to touch me.

"You're really fucking sexy," says the man. I bite my bottom lip. I want to push him away, but I can't. He bites me and I jerk my hips. I punch him in the shoulder.

"Don't leave any marks," I tell him. A tear stings my eye. _Mickey._ The man gets up and leaves and another comes in. I shove him out and lock the stall door, but he's persistent. He climbs under.

"You're not hard anymore," He tells me, "Want to suck me off instead, pretty one?"

"No," I pull my shorts up and leave the bathroom. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. I avoid mirrors, people, everything. The loud music of the club is starting to sound like a blur. I make a bee line for the employee lounge. I put my clothes on and leave.

Mickey is just walking up as I'm coming out. I turn away from him. I don't lean in to kiss him. I don't allow him to kiss me. I close up. Mickey tries to take my hand. I pull back.

"You're going to tell me what the fuck is up or I'm making you walk home by your fucking self," Mickey says. I don't say anything, but Mickey doesn't carry through with his threat. He stays quiet and walks beside me. "Some motherfucker down at the Rub 'N Tug tried to get on Veronica. I threatened to shove his dick up his ass."

"He's a piece of shit," I say softly. I can feel Mickey looking at me. But I don't meet his eyes.

"Why are you so weird tonight? And wipe that eye liner shit off when we get home. You look like Liberace."

"Yeah, whatever you say," I say. I take Mickey's cigarette. I had quit, but this seems like a good time to start up again. I put it out when we get home. I don't speak as I change for bed. I wipe my face to clean the eye liner off, and then I get into bed without kissing Mickey good night.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

_I don't know. I can't put my finger on it._

"I'm just tired."

Mickey presses the back of his hand to my forehead and then touches my cheeks. I don't smile at him. "You're not feverish. You sure you're okay? Want some water or something?"

"No."

"I can't go to bed with you like this. You've been fucking weird all day."

In the next room we hear Mandy and Kenyatta screaming at each other. Mickey kisses me on the forehead and slides out of bed. Yevgeny starts screaming from Svetlana's room. I get up. Mickey is shouting at Kenyatta and one of his brothers.

While Mickey and Colin are threatening to end Kenyatta permanently I sneak out. I need to see Lip, or Fiona or someone. I have to talk to someone. I walk barefoot in the dark alone. I'm not scared. I just need to see someone.

I consider going to talk to Fiona, but I back out. I can't talk to her. I can't talk to anyone. They'll think I have what Monica has. I certainly don't. There is something else wrong with me. I don't know what it is yet.

I keep walking without a destination in mind when I am grabbed by both arms and hoisted into the air. "There you are," says Colin.

"I can walk," I tell them.

"Nope. We're delivering you to our little bro," says Jamie.

"Shouldn't you be dealing with Kenyatta?"

"Our first priority is you," says Colin tightening the grip he has on my arm.

He drops me on the floor once we're inside the Milkovich house. Mickey touches my face and stares into my eyes. _I don't deserve you._ "Where did you go?"

"I went for a walk to clear my head."

"Oh. You should have said something."

"Well, Ian's back, so can you let me go to bed now?" Mandy asks.

She has a busted lip. I want to kill Kenyatta. He's a fucking asshole who deserves to die.

"Not so fast. You sleep in our room. I don't want you anywhere near that asshole tonight."

Mickey and his brothers coerce Mandy into doing what Mickey said. Mandy is wearing a tank top and panties. Mickey throws her a pair of shorts. "Here, put these on. You and Ian take the bed. I'll sleep on the floor beside it. That fucking asshole leaves in the morning or I'll kill him."

"He didn't…I deserved it," Mickey clenches his fist as he's laying out the sleeping bag. He looks at me for a second then at Mandy.

"No you don't. You're my sister. I'm protecting you. Lay down next to Ian and go to sleep. You're safe in here. Kenyatta would have to be fucking nuts to come in here."

Mandy and I poke each other for a while and it turns into a tickle war. I'm extremely ticklish so she's winning. She straddles me and tickles my sides. I can't breathe from laughing so much. It's actually starting to hurt.

"Hey, shut the fuck up," Mickey tells us.

"You're just jealous," Mandy teases.

She climbs off me and I pull her in close. I want Mandy to feel safe and protected. She lays her head on my chest. "You're a lot more muscular than Lip."

"Lip is squishy," I say with a smile.

"He has a small dick," Mandy says randomly.

"So does Mickey," I say.

"Hey," Mickey says.

"I knew that already, but ew."

"You mentioned my brother's dick. Pay back's a bitch."

"This ain't a fucking sleep over," Mickey grumbled from the floor.

"Oh my God, we should stay up late and talk about boys," Mandy says sarcastically. I smile at her. _I was with other boys._ I feel a wave of guilt wash over me, but I push it back and pull Mandy in closer to me.

"I better be the only fucking guy you talk about," Mickey threatens sleepily from the floor.

"Your boyfriend is a drag," Mandy jokes, "good night, Ian."

"Good night, Mandy."

Mickey is prodding me in the ass in the morning. I open my eyes and he's smiling at me while holding a plate of pancakes. Mandy is still sleeping soundly on the other side of me. I can feel her breath on my neck.

"What are you doing?" I ask Mickey sitting up to take the pancakes. He's been oddly sweet.

"What happened last night?"

I stay quiet. I want to tell him. How can I explain that I can't help myself? That I can't stop myself from wanting sex all the time and I don't know why.

"I need to tell you something," I say.

"Yeah," Mickey says listening carefully.

"Hey, Mick, that motherfucker won't leave," says Colin from the other side of the door.

"Hold the fuck on;" Mickey yells back, "I'll be right back."

Mickey comes back after a few minutes and doesn't continue the conversation. Instead he tries to kiss me which I allow. He pets my hair. I want to tell him. I should just blurt it out. I can't. It'll ruin this. He'll break up with me or send me away.

_I love you, Mick._ I nuzzle my head into the spot between his neck and his chin the way he likes. He holds me. I move so I can make room for him without waking Mandy. Mickey kisses the side of my head. I tap his chest.

"What's wrong with you?"

I don't answer.

"You two are too adorable," says Mandy watching us. Mickey let's go of me.

"Fuck off," Mickey tells her.

"Don't hide anything. Please, go on. If you start fucking though, I'm out. I really don't need to see that."

I make an excuse to avoid Mickey. I hang out with Debbie. She keeps asking me questions about sex because she wants to lose her virginity really bad. I buy our lunch and we eat out side. Debbie smothers her salad in ranch and lean in as I tell her about my first time.

"So did it hurt?"

"Yeah, a lot," I tell her as I munch on a carrot.

"Was it worth it?"

"I guess so. I think you should wait. Why rush it?"

"Because I don't see why it's a big deal. No one cares when a guy loses it."

"Guys can't get pregnant. If they could well Mickey and I would need to have a whole different conversation."

I laugh a little. Debbie smiles. She's so cute sometimes. We talk about boys. Mickey wouldn't be happy, but I'm pointing out guys for Debbie.

"He's gay," I say pointing to a really cute guy on a skateboard.

"How do you know?"

"I caught him staring at my crotch," I tell her.

"Hey, what are we doing? I've been looking for you all fucking day," says Mickey.

"I'm having lunch with my sister."

"Ian's helping me find a guy. He said that guy is gay. It's fun. Join us."

Mickey cuts my burger in half. I wasn't going to eat all of it anyway. I point out another guy to Debbie. We both think he's hot, but Mickey just rolls his eyes and makes comments about how ugly the guy is when I say he's hot.

"You could do better," Mickey mentions before sipping from my drink.

"Well he has you," Debbie says politely. Mickey flips her off. Debbie should know by now that's how Mickey is. "You pick."

"For you," Mickey says, "Him." He jerks his head toward a boy bouncing a ball to a dog near the park. He's about sixteen and blond.

"He's cute," Debbie says blushing.

"Hey, come here a sec," Mickey shouts loudly and waves the boy over. Debbie scoots close to me and tries not to blush too much when the boy comes over.

"I don't have any drugs," the boy says. I stifle a laugh.

"What? No. If I want drugs I can get them. Do you know Debbie Gallagher?"

The boy sat down next to her awkwardly. I watched my little sister get all bubbly and embarrassed over the boy Mickey picked out. He kept glancing at Mickey as if expecting to get his ass kicked if he doesn't like Debbie.

I watch the guy try to unhook Debbie's bra. Before I can say anything Mickey is on it. He has the kid by the collar of his shirt. He throws him on the ground. "You ever touch a girl without her permission and I'll come find you, you piece of shit."

"He was so cute," Debbie says.

"Nah, I can do better. Hang on," Mickey says scouting around for boys. He gets up and chases a couple boys down and brings them over to introduce them to Debbie.

"Why is he doing this?"

"He's competitive," I tell her.

A big brown dog comes up to me wagging it's tail happily. I start petting it.

"Chaucer, there you are," says a guy, a really cute guy. He kneels beside his dog and rubs his ears. Our hands touch. I pull them back. I want him to touch me. There is something about the way his jeans hug his thighs that I can't get my mind around.

I shake it off before Mickey comes back. _Mickey. I'm with Mickey. I love him._ Mickey finds two more guys to introduce to Debbie.

"So, I have a confession to make. I kind of tricked Chaucer into coming over here because I wanted an excuse to talk to you," Dog Guy says.

"He has a boyfriend," says Debbie, "and there he is."

Mickey has his arms folded across his chest. He looks ready to rip the guy's arms off and feed them to his dog. He steps between me and Dog Guy.

"Take your fucking dog and stop fucking staring at him or I'll wrap that leash around your neck and strangle you with it."

Dog Guy leaves. "His name is Alex and he's twenty, so I told him to take a fucking hike, but he seemed interested. Creep. And that one is Jake. He's a little geeky, but he's your age. Go talk to him," says Mickey to Debbie, ignoring me completely. Debbie gets the hint that Mickey wants to talk so she goes to flirt with Jake. "Did you think he was good-looking?" Mickey asks.

"Why does it matter? Haven't we been playing this game all afternoon with Debbie?"

"That's fucking different. It was for Debbie. Answer the fucking question, Ian. Did you think he was good-looking?"

"Yeah, but I liked his dog more," I tell him.

"Was a cute dog," Mickey agreed taking another swig of my drink. "Dog was better looking than he was."

"Better game too," I tease.

Mickey doesn't say anything else he just takes my hand. He wants people to know I'm taken, but to my surprise he lightly caresses my hand and smiles at me. He's never done that in public before. I kiss him on the cheek. We watch Debbie strike out. She mopes.

"Ugh, let's go, this is stupid."

"Their loss," I say.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not doing the show's version of the "cheating" scenes. I don't like them. So I created one.


	80. An Itch to Scratch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey thinks about marriage.

Ian won't fucking touch me. We haven't had sex in over a week and it's driving me fucking insane. I'm on the verge of becoming a chronic masturbator. My Ben Wa beads are lying on the floor next to the bed. I feel ashamed, but I need something that Ian won't provide.

"What did I fucking do?" I ask as I snuggle into him. He smells like Axe body spray and the spaghetti we had for supper a weird, but strangely arousing combination. I breathe in his scent and kiss his neck.

"It wasn't you," Ian says.

"What was it?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Ian says.

But I go on for another week without as much as a fucking kiss from Ian. I'm becoming irritable. Every time someone looks at me the wrong way I want to fucking choke them. I find myself becoming aroused by anything and _anyone._

Ian and I were invited to lunch with Lip and his girlfriend Amanda. Even fucking Lip is starting to look attractive to me and he's one ugly motherfucker. But I can't help myself. Ian is sitting next to me, his biceps bulging out of his shirt, that hair falling loosely in his face. My dick pressed against my jeans.

I make a move. I put my hand on his knee. He doesn't pull away. I slide it up further. Ian doesn't pull away. He entwines our fingers and winks at me. _Fucking, finally._ We sit through lunch holding hands. I don't even mind the stares I'm getting from people around.

"What's going on?" Lip asks.

"What?" Ian asks.

"Mickey looks like he's about rape you," Lip says.

"We haven't had sex in two weeks," I blurt out.

"I just don't feel like it, okay?" Ian says. He releases my hand and gets up from the table. I immediately follow him after giving Lip the finger.

Ian leans against the wall near the bathroom with tears on his face. I hug him from behind and press my face against his back. He pats my arms.

"Are you mad at me?" Ian asks.

"Fuck no. I'm just fucking sick of jerking off," I confess.

Ian laughs.

"I'm sorry. I'll try harder."

I kiss his back.

 _I love you._ I want to say it. It's on the tip of my tongue. I can't say it to him yet. Ian spins around and pulls me into a kiss. I melt against him. That's the fastest erection I ever got. We barely made it into the bathroom before Ian had me against a wall and pounding me like I had fucking stole something. It was beautiful.

When it was over I pawed at him. I wanted more. I needed more. I needed Ian. Ian bitemy shoulder happy to oblige. We fucked until we were both satisfied and about to be thrown out of the restaurant.

"That's better," says Amanda when we return the table.

"Your fly is down," Lip told Ian.

I can't stop smiling at Ian. He smiles back at me and pulls me into a loving embrace. A woman and her kid stop by and stare at us. I flip her off. Fuck them. He's perfect. We're perfect.

"Have you been to the clinic?" Lip asks Ian.

"Why would I go to the clinic? Oh you mean to get an STD test? No."

"Why the fuck are you getting tested?" I ask.

"I'm not. There is no reason to."

"No. I meant the mental health clinic," Lip says.

There it was. I didn't want to bring it up. Lip did that, for which I was grateful. Ian and I had a good thing going and I didn't want to fuck it up. I rubbed circles on Ian's knees while he argued with Lip about getting a mental health assessment.

After lunch with Lip, Ian was so pissed off he fucked me into our mattress, and I was seeing stars. Ian stopped and collapsed on me and I was so relieved I wanted to keep going. I wanted to climb on him and ride him like a fucking bull.

Ian and I don't leave the bedroom all day. We fuck until we're both sore and happy. Ian starts giggling. I nuzzle into him. He licks my cheek for no reason other than the fact that he just really wanted to fucking lick me.

"We should adopt," Ian says.

"What?" I ask.

"After we get married, we should adopt."

_We're getting married? What the fuck?_

"I'm already married, Ian."

"Well," says Ian sitting up, "I think we should help Svetlana get citizenship so you can divorce her and finally be free to marry me."

My jaw hit my chest. I was not expecting that to come from Ian. Ian flicks my bottom lip with his thumb and looks at me with a big smile. He kisses my shoulder.

"Hold on," I say.

"You don't want to marry me?"

"I didn't say that," I say immediately, because if I was to hesitate Ian would have gotten pissed as hell. I think we should wait until you're a little older.

"Oh," Ian says. He lays back down and I resume our snuggle session. I stroke Ian's hair and plant kisses on his fingertips. He is laying across my chest. I don't fucking care. It's getting warmer out, but this how I want Ian to stay. "How would you ask me?"

"I'm not telling you!"

To be honest, I have no idea how I would ask him, but I can have a little fun out of teasing him until I do decide. Truthfully, I can't picture myself with another man. Ian's it for me. So we'll probably get married some day.

"Come on," Ian says poking me in the abs.

"Nope. If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

Ian's smile was worth it. I don't know if this is his bipolar shit that Lip keeps insisting he has or if this is actually Ian smiling at me. I don't care. I'll take them both. I love them both. I want to be both sides of Ian. My Ian. _Ian Milkovich!_ I smile inspite of myself.

Ian and I spend every fucking moment together. It was as if nothing happened. The fucking freaky ass gnome incident never happened. Ian being depressed felt like it never happened. Ian's back to normal as far as I'm concerned. And I'm head over fucking heels.

"You and orange boy are loud," says Svetlana after Ian has taken Yevgeny out for a run with Fiona. I am missing him already and I can't fucking concentrate on the fucking bills I'm supposed to pay. We made $5000 on our last furniture truck scam and $3000 before that one so I am trying to catch up on some fucking house bills.

"I'm sorry," I say casually. I light a cigarette and listen to Mandy and Kenyatta fucking in her room. I point that out to Svetlana who rolls her eyes.

"They make different noise than you and him. She makes sexy moaning, you and Carrot Boy make grunting cow sounds. You have rough sex," Svetlana said.

"I don't want to talk about my sex life," I tell her.

I think about what Ian said about helping Svetlana get citizenship so she can butt the fuck out of my life forever. I put the bill I was looking at down and stare at her.

"What?" She asks.

"Would you like to become an American fucking citizen?"

"No. America land of bull shit, yes?"

"No. I think you should."

"Why?"

"So I can leave your ass and not worry about them deporting you or my fucking kid."

"So you can marry Orange Boy and adopt millions of children and live in his fantasy?"

"Doesn't sound so bad," I say. _What the fuck is wrong with me?_

When Ian returns from his outing with Fiona he is all smiles from ear to ear. He puts Yevgeny to bed and then saddles up next to me on the couch. I'm watching Mandy kick Iggy's ass in a videogame. Ian snuggles in and starts kissing my fucking chin up to my ear.

"I missed you," Ian says.

"Fuck," I whisper and take Ian by the hand. I'm going to ride him so hard he won't be able to walk for a month. After the sex I pin Ian to the bed. "I spoke with Lana about maybe her taking some citizenship classes."

"You really want to move this along?"

"I do, yes."

"So that's it then, you're going to marry me someday?"

"Lip would love that," I say. That makes me fucking happy. Fuck Lip. Anything that pisses off that asshole is okay with me.

"He wants me to be happy, Mickey."

"He broke Mandy's heart. It's his fault she's with that abusive asshole."

Ian knows that's true, but he refuses to accept it. Lip was upset that Mandy hit Karen with a car, not that Ian was upset. He never liked Karen, but Mandy did cross a line. _No one fucks with a Milkovich and lives to tell about it._

"He's my best friend," Ian says.

"Then you have really shitty taste," I say.

"Oh, I have shitty taste? I'm dating you," Ian retorts.

"Fuck you."

"Okay," and Ian wrestles me and pins me to the bed. I get out from him hold and pin him back down. I sit on him. He can't win. He gives in to me and I lean down to kiss him while still pinning him to my bed. "You know, when we're married we can do this every day."

"Yeah," I say grinding slowly against Ian's half-hard dick. He's smirking up at me.

"Why aren't you afraid of all of this?"

"Because I have you," I tell him.

The mushy bull shit this asshole makes me say is making me sick to my stomach, but I say them for him. I've always only said this shit for Ian. It's time to tell him. I'm about to do it when he gets a call from Fiona inviting us over for dinner.

Ian slaps my thigh and I climb off him. It can wait for another time. We have plenty of time to tell each other we're in love. I watch Ian get ready for a shower with the stupidest look on my face. I wish I had to mirror to see if it was as stupid as I imagined.

When Ian walks out of the room I collapse on the bed, "I love you." I close my eyes and let the feelings take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG. I'm so sorry. I never meant to leave you guys hanging. OMG. Okay. so that finale was shitty, but I have a plan as to where I want this to go. Hang on. I think you'll really like it.


	81. Army Guys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A military funeral protest angers Ian to the point of violence, and Mickey has to find a way to stop him. 
> 
> Set in 5x02.

 

 

 

Private Jason Monroe was killed in a car accident shortly after coming home on leave from his third tour in Iraq. That's why I have to go to his funeral. He was a fallen brother-in-arms. Mickey just doesn't understand. I lean over and peck him a kiss on the lips. He pushes forward as I pull back; obviously not ready to break the kiss.

"Do you really have to go to this fucking thing?" Mickey asks yanking my ass back into bed and lining my cheek and neck with soft kisses. I smile and give into his fucking kisses. But I really need to get dressed for this funeral so I pull away he wants to have sex. "Why do you have to go?"

"Because, Mickey, it's the right thing to do."

Mickey mumbles something I can't hear.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Mickey says.

Svetlana bursts in and asks me to take Yevgeny for a run. As much as I'd love to, I can't. I have to go this funeral.

"Funeral for who?"

"Some guy he doesn't even know," says Mickey.

"Brother-in-arms, it's all I need to know."

"He didn't even die in a war, man; it was like a car accident."

"Fuck you, Mickey. He died serving his country."

"Alright, it looks like I'm going with you."

_That's what I like to hear._ I sneak a peek at Mickey's dick when he climbs out of bed. He smacks my ass and asks me not to wear a uniform since military police are looking for me or so they say.

The funeral was small, only a handful of people were there, most of them civilians. Mickey stood beside me. He squeezed my hand a couple of times. Halfway through the funeral a group of asshole church goers began chanting "God kills soldiers because America loves faggots."

I try to ignore them, but the longer they go on the harder it is for me to act like they're not there. I finally lose it and start yelling at them. Mickey is behind me trying to stop me from doing or something I shouldn't. I don't listen to him.

I am held back from bashing their heads in with Jesus by an officer from the Military he asks me to stand down or he'll tell my commanding officer and expose me to the MPs. Mickey steps in.

"Let's go home. We'll do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one."

I sulk all the way home. Mickey squeezes my hand twice, but mostly he's quiet. I wonder what he's thinking about. Those assholes ruined a perfectly good day and I have to do something. They're homophobic trash and they need to be taught a lesson.

I beeline straight for the Milkovich gun cabinet which is surprisingly empty, it's never been empty. I got to get fucking weapons, grenades would work. I knock on Mandy's door. Kenyatta answers.

"Do you have any armor piercing ammo?"

"Why?"

"Cause I fucking need some that's why."

"Yo, you need to get your bitch in line, man," Kenyatta said over me.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to call up some guys I know, they're veterans who are sick of this shit just like us. They'll fight with us. And then we'll burn down that whole fucking church with all the homophobic trash inside."

(Ian's Imagination) _Mickey and I are standing outside the church kissing, and holding each other close. I am pawing at his jeans ready to get into them as the Southboro Baptist Church burns behind me. The heat from the flames is making me fucking horny. The screams of the homophobic assholes sounds like music to my ears._

_I bite Mickey's neck. He whimpers. He whispers in my ear how fucking proud he is to see those fuckers burn like the sinners they are. They have the nerve to call us the sinners for who we love. Fuck them. They're the real sinners. They deserve to fucking die._

"Yo, Private Ryan, I have a plan," says Mickey shaking me away from my day dream. I didn't realize I was holding a fucking shot gun. Mickey takes the gun from me and hands it to Mandy. Mickey gives my bicep a squeeze. I look at him. "Why don't we frame that stupid fucking preacher?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"We catch him being sucked off by a dude and post it on the internet. That'll teach him."

I kiss Mickey quickly and stroke his hair _. That's fucking genius_. I kiss Mickey again. He grips me and pulls me in close. He puts his head on my shoulder and rubs my hair.

"Feel better?" Mickey asks me.

"You're the best," I whisper. _I love you._

"How can I help?" Mandy asks.

"You can lure that preacher here."

"What if he won't come?" Mandy asks.

"Drug the fuck out of him. What the fuck do I care?"

I release Mickey to hug Mandy. I give her a big kiss on the cheek which I know would piss of Kenyatta but he wouldn't dare challenge Mickey again. I release, "Let's get Ryan to help."

"Sure, man, whatever you want," Mickey says.

I start calling up the guys I know who I met through a regular at the club. Mickey called Ryan who showed up first. Mickey was so happy to see him that he practically suffocated him with the hug he gave him. Mickey pulls Ryan aside after he greets me to fill him in on the plan.

My friends arrive. Mickey is hesitant with them at first.

"I don't give a fucking shit who any of you assholes are. I just want to make one thing very fucking clear, Ian is with me."

"Mick."

"What? They need to fucking know."

"Mickey, why don't you just fucking pee around him?" Ryan asks.

"You're a fucking fat ass," Mickey says with a smile on his face.

"Yeah, but I'm your fat ass," Ryan says with a playful smile.

"Can we get this show on the road?" Asks one of my army buddies. Mickey hangs back to explain everything to Ryan. He sends me away.

"Your boyfriend is sexy," one of the guys whispers.

"Yeah, I wouldn't kick him out of bed," says another.

"You're fucking shitting me," says Ryan, looking my way. I meet his eyes. There is pity there and it makes me wonder what they're talking about. Ryan comes over and pats me on the back, before Mandy comes in.

"So who's blowing the pastor?" Mickey asks.

"You've got to be kidding?"

"You ain't fucking here to watch or ogle Ian," Mickey states.

"Jesus, Mickey," I say.

"What? The sooner they know their fucking place the better."

"This is fucked up."

There is some debate for a while until the Asian volunteers to suck the pastor off. I would have done it but Mickey shot that idea down quickly. Mandy comes in without him. But it isn't long until the preacher shows up too. We hide. It's hard to hide Ryan because he's so big, but we manage it. Mandy starts giving the preacher a hand job to get him started then my Army pal takes over.

We soon come out snapping photos. Mickey's idea was wonderful. I want to kiss him so hard for this. When it's all over I lean over the preacher. He has fear in his eyes. "Never fucking protest another military funeral or we'll make things worse for you."

He nods. Mickey grabs him by his stupid collar and drags him outside. He proceeds to kick out my friends, especially the better looking of the three. He slams the door in their faces. "Fuck those guys."

"You're such an asshole," I say sitting down on the couch. Mandy sits beside me.

"Don't tell Kenyatta about this," Mandy says.

"He lays another finger on you I'm going to make sure no one finds his fucking body," Mickey says angrily, "and fuck you."

"You acted really jealous and possessive."

Ryan sat down on the couch between me and Mandy. Mickey shook his head. I followed him with my eyes to Svetlana's bedroom. She's not home. She's out with Nika. Mickey comes out back with a pillow and blanket.

"Here," he hands them to Ryan.

"Thanks," Ryan says.

"You better fucking be here when I wake up," Mickey growls.

He's deliberately ignoring me.

"I will," Ryan says.

"Those guys weren't interested in me. You were being an asshole for no reason."

"Everyone's interested in you, Ian."

"No they're not. They told me that they thought you were sexy, but I didn't get jealous."

I stand up and walk over to where Mickey is. I put my hands on his hips and put my head on his shoulder. I kiss him gently. Mickey pulls away. He looks over at Ryan. I can't stand it when he does shit like this. I roll my eyes and back away from him. If that's how he's going to be then fine, I'll let him fucking get over this.

Jealousy has never looked good on Mickey. He's too insecure sometimes. I didn't find a single one of those guys attractive and Mickey gets bent out of shape just because I know them, they're gay, and one of them was conventionally good looking.

I start on the dishes in the sink. No one is going to fucking do them. I make enough noise to cover up the chatter coming from the living room. I want Mickey to know I'm as equally mad at him as he is at me. He just keeps drinking with Ryan and ignores me completely. _Asshole._

Mandy touches my shoulders and pokes me in the ass. I smile at her. She strokes my arm and leans against me like the boyfriend/girlfriend we were before Mickey came out and we made it official.

"Are you okay?" Mandy asks me, giving my ass a squeeze, "You were really upset today."

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You wanted to kill those guys, Ian."

"I was angry. I'm over it, really."

She strokes my arm again. I dry my hands off to touch her face. Kenyatta is off work. He sees me and Mandy in the kitchen and shakes his head. I know exactly what he's thinking, but he wouldn't do a thing with Mickey around if he is smart at all.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Mandy asks.

"Yeah, now go to him before he gets mad," I tell him.

"Mickey will calm down. Just don't press the issue."

I nod.

After I finish the dishes I prepare for bed. I start by making the bed so that the covers won't be all tangled. Mickey hates that. I fluff the pillows on Mickey's side. He comes in when I am about to climb into bed.

"You scared the fucking shit out of me today."

"So I've been told. I'm sorry. I was fucking angry. We all get angry. Remember when Frank walked in on us and you wanted to kill him? This was no different."

"You have a point, I guess. But you're not me. You're nice and shit."

I stifle a laugh. Mickey slaps my ass as he slides under the covers with me. I pull him in close to spoon. I am the big spoon. Mickey kisses my hand.

"I'm not apologizing for claiming you in front of those guys."

"I didn't expect you too."

I would have been surprised if he did. I kiss Mickey's neck. Neither one of us are in the mood to fuck tonight. We just spoon. Mickey whispers to me before we go to sleep.

"You're my boyfriend."

"I know."

"We're family."

"I know."

_Fuck I love you._

 


	82. Ghetto Husbands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey becomes too overprotective of Ian.

Ryan is hanging out today. We're sitting in the back yard in fucking lawn chairs smoking, and drinking. Ian's inside cleaning the fucking house and watching Yevgeny. Every once in a while he brings me a beer and kisses me.

"You want anything else?" Ian asks. He's rubbing my shoulders and leans over to peck me a kiss on the lips.

"No. I'm good."

"I'm going to start lunch. Let me know if you want anything."

"I will."

He pecks me again.

"It must be nice having a spouse," says Ryan. I throw an empty beer can at him. He laughs. It's easy with Ryan. Fucking asshole still understands me. "Are you going to get him checked out?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I ask into my beer.

"Mickey, yesterday he tried to kill some fucking church goers for protesting a military funeral. Today he's a bubbly, lovey-dovey, little kitten. That's fucked up."

"He's fine."

"Mickey."

"He was angry. We all get fucking angry sometimes. So what if he wanted to kill them. I wanted to and had a plan to kill Frank a few years ago when he caught me and Ian together. Nothing came of it. Okay. There is nothing wrong with that, and there is nothing wrong with Ian."

From inside the house, I hear broken glass. I shut Ryan up for a second and listen. There is a loud shuffling of feet and then Yevgeny crying. I am out of my chair faster than I have ever moved. I wish I had my fucking gun.

Ian is wrestling a man wearing a mask who broke into our fucking house. Ian pins him to the ground and punches him. I pull Ian off him, rub his back, and take over.

"You are a huge motherfucking idiot. You picked the wrong fucking neighborhood to rob. You want to fucking die."

The man begs for his life. I shouldn't give it to him. I look over my shoulder at my boyfriend who is securely holding my baby in his arms and am driven with the urge to protect them. This asshole violated my privacy and my security. He put my family in danger.

"I ought to kill you," I tell him.

"Mickey," says Ian sweetly.

"Don't kill me. I just wanted some drugs, man."

"You attacked my boyfriend," I punch him in the face a couple of times.

"I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me."

"You scared my baby," I get up and kick him in the gut.

"Please. I'm sorry. Let me go. You have a beautiful family."

I kick him in the ass and lead him out of my house by his fucking ankle. I wish I had my gun to scare him with. He runs away. My hands fumble with the lock. I'm shaking so hard I can barely breathe. Ian's behind me pressing his lips to the back of my head. I feel his nose in my hair.

"A-are you alright?"

"Yes," Ian whispers. I feel his lips press another kiss to the back of my head. I can't face him now. I can't look at him. Strong arms wrap around me from behind and a smooth cheek rubs against mine. Our faces nuzzle like we're cats. "Calm down. I'm okay. We're okay." He kisses my neck.

"You were in danger."

"Sh…It's over," Ian whispers.

"Who has the baby?" I whisper.

"Ryan. Sh…"

Ian starts to sway and I sway with him. I still can't face him. I don't want him to see my face right now. But I allow him to run his hand under my shirt, and kiss my face and neck, and touch me wherever the fuck he wants.

"If he hurt you they will be finding pieces of him down by Lake Michigan."

"I'm fine, Mickey. Go back outside with Ryan. I'm fine. I'm making lunch."

"No." I turn around to Ian's smile. That fucking smile is the thing that got me into this fucking mess in the first place. That's what made me fall for this asshole. I give him a smile in return. He kisses my nose. I fucking melt.

"You two are disgustingly adorable," says Ryan.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes," Ian reassures me. He kisses me on the lips and strokes my face.

"Lock the doors okay. I'll get Iggy to clean up the broken glass from the window."

"I'll get it, don't worry."

"No. You don't have to do that."

"I'll go to Home Depot and get a new window," Ian says.

I ball my hand in his shirt. He's not fucking leaving this house ever again. It's not safe.

"No. Ryan and I will go. You stay and watch Yevgeny. Svetlana will home in an hour okay. Just stay here. I'll call Iggy. He can keep you company. Stay inside the house. You can invite Carl over. We'll be back as soon as we can."

"I can do it. Please, you have a guest," Ian insists.

"Fuck. You're staying here."

"Okay," Ian says shaking his head in defeat. "I'll get dinner ready."

"Good," I kiss his shoulder. "I'll be back in a couple hours."

Ryan and I leave the baby with Ian. He can handle him and take care of dinner. _I fucking hope._ Every block or so I am fucking to death over Ian, and contemplate calling him. Ryan takes my phone from me.

"He's fine."

I take a deep breath. I stop driving. I look in my mirror. I can't see the house any more. Ryan puts his hand on my shoulder. I nod at him and light up a cigarette. "How the fuck could someone break into my house. I live in the fucking ghetto. Who does shit like that anyway?"

"Some guy with a death wish, apparently. Mickey, we need to talk about Ian. I know you don't want to hear it, but there is something off about him. He's not the Ian you fell in love with. He's not the cute kid who came to visit you in juvie. He's different."

"Why do you hate him?"

"I don't. I like Ian very much."

"Doesn't fucking sound like it."

"Mickey, he's not well. What was it Fiona said? Bipolar disorder?"

"He doesn't have that. He's fine. Okay. We all go a bit whacko sometimes. It's fucking normal."

"Mick."

"Fuck you. Just fuck you, okay. I fucking love him. I'm not sending him to some goddamn shrink who'll lock him up. He's staying with me. I'm going to take care of him. I'm going to provide for him. You hear me?"

I gripped the steering wheel so tight that my knuckles were turning white. My breath caught in my throat as I blinked back the tears I refused to let Ryan see. He was silent.

"Shit. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, shut the fuck up about Ian."

"You really are fucking married to him in your head aren't you?"

"No," I say, I'm not convinced.

"Neither one of us are convinced of that," Ryan says.

_Fuck you, asshole, for reading me like a fucking book._

I realize I should have measured the fucking window. I use it as a very reasonable excuse to call and check up on Ian. He answers after two rings. "Hey. Can you measure the fucking window for me?"

"Hello to you too, Mickey," says Ian. I can hear him smiling.

I hear moving around on the other line. He's talking to someone. It sounds like a guy's voice.

"Who the fuck are you talking to?"

"Carl's here. Hold on, Mickey."

I breathe a sigh of relief. At least Ian isn't home alone with just the baby. My heart settles down. I hadn't realized it had been pounding out of control. I calm down while Ian measures the window or does whatever the fuck it is that he is doing.

Ian gives me the measurements of the fucking window. Ryan makes a note on his phone so we don't forget. I take a moment and think. This would be the window of opportunity to make sure he is okay and that Ryan's wrong.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Carl's here. We're good. Oh hey, listen, I was thinking we should revisit the cat thing."

"Fuck, Ian, we're not getting a fucking cat."

I hang up without saying bye and immediately regret it. Ryan takes my phone before I can call Ian back and apologize. Ryan is staring at my phone.

"I really like that you have a picture of Ian as your wallpaper."

"Shut the fuck up."

We buy the fucking window, and fat ass almost drops it getting it in the car. He is the most useless piece of lard this side of the fucking El.

We get the window home and I wait after dinner to put the window in. I'm going to make Carl and Ryan help so Ian doesn't have to. Svetlana is feeding Yevgeny at the table when we sit down. I look around. _Where's Mandy?_

"Mandy's not feeling well," Ian says, as if he read my mind.

"Poor thing," says Svetlana.

Ian made lasagna. He kisses me on the cheek after he fills my plate up. I lean up and catch his mouth as he tries to pull away. He beams. Svetlana is judging me. I can feel her eyes on the side of my head.

"Sit down, Ian," I tell him after I notice he's moving around the house doing random things. He keeps picking up random things and putting them down again. It's like he's looking for something or organizing.

"I can't. I'm not hungry. I have to get this house clean."

"Okay, but do you have to do it right now?" I ask, trying to persuade him to come to dinner. I catch Ryan's eyes. I glare at him. _He's wrong. He has to be. Ian's not sick._

"Now is a perfect time to start. Eat your dinner," Ian says coming over to peck me a kiss. Ian picks up the corded phone, moves the books that are under it and puts it back down. Ian throws those old books away. I watch him the whole time dinner is going on. Everyone is watching him.

"Ian," I say when I can't the stares from everyone else. I get up and take his hand. "Why don't we watch a movie tonight?"

"I can't stop, Mickey. Not until I'm done," Ian says.

And he fucking means it. Svetlana offers to do the dishes. Ryan and I sit on the couch and try to watch a television show together but Ian is distracting me with all his fucking organizing. At least to him it's organizing. To me it looks like he's rearranging garbage.

And he doesn't stop when Ryan is on the couch trying to sleep. He doesn't stop when I get out of the shower. I try to go to sleep in our bed, he told me he would be right there, but he doesn't come. I get up and find him cleaning in the dark. Ryan isn't sleeping either. He's awake and watching Ian quietly. Ian doesn't notice him.

"Ian," I whisper.

"I gotta get it clean, Mickey."

I sit on the floor in front of the couch and watch Ian clean all night. Ryan doesn't go to sleep. He stays awake with me. We don't speak. We just stare at Ian in silence all night. Finally, after shutting my eyes for a second I look around and don't see Ian.

Ryan grabs my head and turns it slightly to the right. Ian is on the floor fast asleep. He's drooling on his own arm. Ryan gets up and puts a pillow under his head and throws a bed sheet over him.

Ryan falls asleep and I curl up next to Ian on the floor with a pillow of my own. I slide under the sheet and put my arm around his sleeping form. He stirs when I touch him. He wiggles into me. I kiss his shoulder blades and sniff his hair.

It doesn't seem like we're asleep very long when my noisy ass brothers come in. They wake Ian and I want to fucking kill them. But it's not me they have to worry about its Ryan's wrath. He verbally assaults them and they instantly shut up. Ian rolls over, mumbles something and goes back to sleep. _Please be okay._

 


	83. Juvie Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey and Ryan reunite with some guys from Juvie, only they weren't expecting one to take an interest in a particular off-limits red head.

I haven't been able to stop crying since we watched _Brokeback Mountain_ last night. I had finally talked Mickey into a viewing. We cuddled on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn and a case of beer. Ryan had a date so he wasn't home, and Mandy was out with Kenyatta for the evening. Mickey tried to get Svetlana to buzz off so we could have privacy but she stayed and watched the movie with us.

I'm curled around Mickey in bed sobbing hysterically. I can't seem to stop. Every time I think about how Ennis held Jack's jacket and hugged it after he died I cry more. Mickey rubs my back and pulls me in close.

"I'm sorry," I sob into Mickey's shirt.

"No. It's okay. I was upset too. It was a sad movie. Those cowboys were hot though."

I smell nicotine. Mickey's smoking. He strokes my head and presses his lips to my ears. I tug on his boxers and whimper a little before sniffling. Mickey tightens his grip around me again.

"Seriously, you're still in bed its 11, and we have plans," Ryan says.

"Fuck off," Mickey says.

"No. Go, I'll be okay," I tell Mickey.

"I'm not fucking leaving you here like this."

"Go. You have plans with a friend. Don't let me stop you."

"Whoa, what's wrong?" Ryan asks concerned. He sits down on the bed and strokes my forehead. I lean my head onto his lap and choke back a sob.

"We watched _Brokeback Mountain_ last night and Ian's having a hard time letting it go," Mickey says kindly.

"Sometimes movies stay with us," Ryan says, "Do you want to reschedule?"

"No. I said to go, I'll be fine," I say again.

"Why don't you come?" Ryan asks.

"Me," I ask, sniffling. I sit up and wipe at my eyes. I look at Mickey whose eyes are filled with affection, concern, and something else. I peck him a kiss. He wipes the tears off my face.

I get dressed slowly. Ryan and Mickey are waiting for me. Mickey holds my hand as we walk. I have no idea where we are going, but I don't really care. Just being out of the house today feels good. I try not to feel sad anymore.

"Oh look a cat," I say and point to a stray that has come up to me. I kneel to pet it.

"We're not getting a cat," Mickey reminds me again.

"I'm allowed to pet it," I snap.

Mickey and Ryan's plans included visiting all their old friends from juvie most of which were out now. They met up at a local park. Most of them looked really, really bad. One guy was clearly showing signs of meth usage. He couldn't have been much older than me, but he looked thirty.

"Damn, Gallagher, looking good. Why are you still with this asshole?" Asks a guy who was a little too friendly. I can feel Mickey's body temperature rising. He's not happy with this guy. When the guy moves a little too close to me Mickey physically grabs him by the waist and pulls him away from me.

"Fuck off, Crosby. I'm serious," Mickey says.

"Mickey, you haven't changed at all, but fuck your boyfriend has."

He still winks at me before he checks me out again. I smile.

"So, they finally let you guys out," Ryan says.

We all sit down. Mickey and Ryan start talking to the guys. Mickey tries to include me but it doesn't work. I don't fit in with these guys.

"Mickey, I'm going over there," I whisper. He gives me a light squeeze, but doesn't look at me. He's too invested in their conversation, which is rare because Mickey isn't typically chatty. He just feels comfortable around Ryan and those other three.

I slip away to have a smoke on the swing. Crosby breaks away from the discussion and comes over. He begins to push me on the swing, lightly at first, and then he really pushes hard. When I slow down he stops the swing and stares into my eyes.

"You're too good for Mickey, babe."

I roll my eyes. He'd be good looking, I guess, maybe if I wasn't with Mickey. _I won't cheat again. I won't. Especially not with this guy._

"If Mickey sees you he'll kick your ass," I tell him. I could kick his ass, but it'd be more fun watching Mickey do it. He strokes my face. I pull back.

"Don't resist me. I think you're fucking amazing."

"You don't know me."

Crosby yanks me out of the swing by my t-shirt. I throw a punch at him and he grabs my arms and pins them back with impressive strength. _Fuck._ I resist.

"I've wanted you since you were the first time I saw you in juvie."

He tugs so hard on my t-shirt that it slips off of me. Crosby rubs my bare chest and relishes in the sight. I try to get up and grab my shirt, but I can't. His impressive strength has me pinned. I struggle and he hits me.

"Mi—" I start to holler until he knees me in the groin.

"You holler for Mickey and I will rape the fuck out of you right now," Crosby whispers.

"Oh look there's Mickey," I lie. When Crosby looks I use it as a chance to get away. I leave my shirt where it is and walk back to the picnic table. Mickey takes one look at me and flares up.

"What the fuck happened to you? Jesus, Ian, were you in a fight?"

He didn't ask me if I fucked someone. It doesn't take him long to draw that conclusion. Mickey sits me down beside Ryan who starts examining my bruises, or the bruises that are going to form any second now from that asshole.

"I turn my back for one second and you run off and fuck someone."

"I didn't fuck him. I didn't want anything to do with him. I was having a smoke on the swing and…" I don't continue. Gallagher's don't snitch. Ryan is poking my ribs to check to see if any are broken. He looks at Mickey.

"Where the fuck did he touch you?"

I don't answer.

"Mickey," says Ryan, "I don't think Ian has any broken ribs, but he is bruised. He looks like he's in an abusive relationship, though." Ryan strokes my hair and pats me on the shoulder. I wince from the bruise I have there and Ryan turns me to look at my back. "Fuck, Ian."

"Can we go home?"

Crosby comes back to the table. Mickey shoots him a look.

"Where the fuck were you?" asks Meth-Head.

"I was pissing."

"Did you see who attacked Gallagher?"

"Can we go home?" I ask again, but Mickey's not listening. He's glaring at Crosby. I tug on Mickey's shirt. He swats at my hand. "I want to go!"

"No. He was attacked?" Crosby acted every bit like the typical rapist. He denied everything but wore a stupid arrogance and he looked right at me. I look away from him at Ryan who I only just realized had a protective grip on my arm. I smile at him.

"Mickey, can we go?" I ask again.

"I'm going to find your shirt, Ian," Mickey says finally.

"Will you be okay for a minute?" Ryan asks.

I nod. Ryan and the other guys disperse to help Mickey find my shirt. I am left alone. Crosby creeps back around and bends down in front of me.

"You fucking tell anyone and I'll finish the job." He kisses me. I turn my head away from him. He grabs it and makes me look at him. "Did Ryan ever tell you why I was in juvie? This pretty thirteen-year-old lived next to me and I had watched him every day. Well, he had to go and blab to his parents that I forced myself on him. He wasn't nearly as pretty as you." He kisses me again, before he walks away as he sees Ryan coming back.

Ryan sits down beside me and I reach for his hand. I look him in the eyes and he understands. He holds my hand and scoots close to me. "Don't tell Mickey," I whisper. Ryan doesn't respond. I won't get mad at him if he does tell Mickey. He knows that.

"You okay?" Mickey asks leaning over to pick wood chips out of my hair. He kisses the top of my head.

I want to say it. I want to give that motherfucker justice, but I can't. I guess I'm afraid. This isn't the first time I was taken advantage of. The other times I was extremely drugged up and passed out before anything happened.

I look at Ryan. He wants me to tell Mickey. Gallagher's don't snitch.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I lie to Mickey.

Mickey looks at Ryan. Ryan has no poker face. Soon Mickey gets it out of Ryan. But before Mickey can act I grab his hand. "Can we go, please?" Mickey let's go of me and we all notice that Crosby has disappeared. _Yeah, show your guilt, asshat._

But Mickey won't stop. I get up and start walking. Fuck him. I put on my shirt and walk towards home. Ryan catches up to me. He's out of breath. I don't slow down for him.

"He loves you," Ryan says.

"He ignored me."

"He's trying to protect you."

"I just want to go," I tell him calmly. Ryan nods.

"This is my fault. Mickey and I were supposed to meet up with our old juvie buddies. No one was supposed to get hurt."

"No, it's my fault. I had to be a whiny bitch this morning. You only invited me because Mickey wouldn't leave me behind. He hasn't been leaving me alone much lately."

"It's never the victim's fault," Ryan says rubbing my arm affectionately.

My phone rings. It's Mickey. I let it ring a couple times before I answer it. Mickey wants to know where I am. I stop at a gas station nearby so Mickey can catch up with us. He pulls me into a massive bear hug. I wince from my bruises.

I fill up a 32 ounce soda and head to the counter to pay. The girl looks me over; she looks at Mickey, then back at me. She leans forward. "Are you in some kind of trouble?" She looks around and leans in closer. "I could call the cops and have your abusive asshole boyfriend arrested."

"I'm fine. He didn't hit me."

She leaned even closer until our faces were inches apart, "Look, I know you're scared and he's right there, but I could help you. My boyfriend used to be abusive. Now I have a protection order against him."

I pay her and step away but she continues to watch me as Mickey and Ryan talk. Mickey goes to the bathroom. I wait next to Ryan. The girl's manager comes over and pulls me aside to talk to me.

"I've called the police. Kelsey said she saw your boyfriend hit you. We're going to get you some help. Are you okay? I'll let her reimburse you for that drink."

"My boyfriend didn't hit me," I tell him calmly.

"Mickey's going to shit Frisbees," Ryan says when the police arrive.

_This is all my fault. Fuck._

"What the fuck is going on?" Mickey asks.

"Mick, they think you abused me. It's a big misunderstanding," I tell him as a few cops seize him and handcuff him. Mickey rolls his eyes and goes outside with him. The cashier tells a police officer waiting inside what she thinks happened.

"Did your boyfriend hit you?" he asks me.

"No. I told them both that."

"Ian, I think you better tell them what really happened," Ryan says.

"Who are you?"

"He's my friend," I say.

"Mr. Gallagher, please tell me what happened."

"Gallagher's don't snitch."

"Mickey could go to jail," Ryan says.

I look outside at Mickey who is pressed against a police car and being checked for weapons. They throw a knife down on the hood of the police car and Mickey's gun. But he has a permit for that one.

"I was at the park with Ryan and Mickey and they were talking to some old friends from their days in juvie. I was bored so I went to the swings to have a smoke. One of their juvie buddies attacked me. He wanted to fuck me. He told me he would rape me if I screamed for Mickey. This is a big misunderstand. Mickey wouldn't hurt me. Can I please go home?"

"Give us the name of the man who attacked you, Mr. Gallagher."

"Winston Crosby," Ryan says, "He's not originally from the south side. He's a suburban kid like me."

After much debate and persistence they let me go. They release Mickey and we embrace. He holds me tight. I kiss his cheek. He kisses my neck. Mickey flips off the cashier who called the cops on him. We leave with Ryan.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"Are you okay?" Mickey asks.

"No," I tell him honestly.

"I didn't fucking think so."

"Can we go home now?"

"Yeah, we can go home."

I kiss Mickey's forehead and we walk hand in hand. Mickey pats Ryan on the back.

 


	84. Without a Sister

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mandy drops the news that she's moving to Indiana with her abusive boyfriend. Mickey and Ian don't take it well.

Ian is back to his fucking cleaning again. But that's not what's fucking cramping my day; the Rub 'N Tug got shut down again, this time for good, and I won't have a way to feed my family. Then I come home and find Ian cleaning like a fucking mad man.

Fuck Ryan for having to return home. He could have stayed longer, the fucking asshole. I smack Ian's ass playfully and he gives me a smile that makes me melt. Mandy and Kenyatta are arguing. I get my gun ready. This time I'm going to fucking shoot him. Ian twitches. I put my hand out ready to stop him from snapping.

"I'm not moving to Indiana," says Mandy. _What?_

"It's a good job."

"Cleaning port-a-poties?"

"It's a job."

Kenyatta disappears into her room. I refuse to call it their room because I want that mother fucker out of my house. I look at Ian. He's now looking at Mandy.

"It looks clean," Mandy says.

I have to sit down away from her. If I face her she'll see I'm distressed.

"Mary Poppins here is on the war path."

"You're not going to Indiana are you?" Ian asks. My heart thuds at the sound of his voice. _Fuck my feelings. I'm having enough of this girly ass shit._

"There's nothing for me here."

"I'm not letting that creep drag you off to Fucksville, USA."

Mandy goes into her bedroom to start packing after Ian tries to talk her out of moving. He looks distressed. "We have to stop her."

"Hey. You get the gun, I'll get the saw and we'll bury that piece of shit in pieces down by the river."

"No, I know how to stop her."

Fuck he looks cute today. I stand up and pull Ian into my arms. I try to give him a kiss but he isn't having it. He pushes off me and puts on his shoes.

"Where the fuck you going?" _You think I'm letting you leave this fucking house after you were almost raped? No fucking way._

"I'm going to talk to Lip."

_Oh._

"That motherfucker better tell my sister he loves her and keep her here or he'll be on my shit list."

"He will," Ian reassures me. I light a cigarette. I don't believe him. Lip treated Mandy like shit over that bitch Karen and forced my sister into the arms of this asshole. But Ian wants to believe Lip can help.

Kenyatta and Mandy are packing and bickering. I tap on my sister's bedroom door. She flashes me a smile. Kenyatta rolls his eyes and throws something in a box. "Don't break anything that belongs to my sister or I'll fucking murder you," I warn.

"What do you want, ass face?" Mandy asks.

"I want to talk to you, come in here for a second."

"Where's your bitch?" Kenyatta asks, "I don't hear any of his crazy bull shit."

I flip him off and take my sister by the elbow. I lead her into my bedroom to talk to her where Kenyatta can't hear. He knows better than to come to my room.

"You can't leave."

"I told Ian there is nothing for me here."

"No. I won't let you. You're the only member of this fucking family who I actually like. I love you. I've never told anyone that. Not even Ian."

Mandy hugs me. I squeeze her tight. She squeezes me even tighter. I rub her head. She pokes me in the chest. I pinch her boob and she punches me in the gut. I kiss the side of her face and she kisses me back. I don't let go though.

"Please stay. That piece of shit will kill you."

"I'll be fine. I'm a Milkovich."

"You're the best of us," I tell her. It's always been true. "Ian loved you before he loved me."

"And Ian's love is what makes me worthy?" Mandy asks.

"He's a pretty good person, so yeah. Look, just stay. You can date Ryan."

Mandy laughs like I'm joking. I'm not fucking joking. I finally release her and she won't look at me. My heart drops into my stomach. Mandy's really going to leave. When I get out of my room Svetlana is making lunch. She gives my hand a squeeze and doesn't pretend to know what's wrong. She just tries to help.

"You ok? Orange boy do something crazy again?" She asks.

"Mandy's moving to Indiana," I ignore the fact that she called Ian crazy. He's not fucking crazy.

"With that piece of shit?" Svetlana asks. Yevgeny coos from his high chair. When I look at him he smiles. I smile at the damn kid and kiss his forehead.

Ian's back. His talk with Lip was really short. I know he would have brought Lip over but he can't come in the house while Kenyatta is here. We've seen that one play out already. Ian won't kiss me. He won't even look at me, but he looks upset. I try to take his hand. He won't let me.

"Leave me alone, okay," Ian whispers.

"Okay," I whisper.

I hear him sniffle and I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him, but that's not what Ian wants right now. He slams the door to our bedroom shut and I hear him kick some stuff. I look at my wife-in-paper-only.

"He's upset. You upset too. Here I help."

Svetlana fucking hugs me. I am squished between her baby bump and her breasts. It's not a place I want to fucking be. She releases me and kisses me on the cheek.

I convince Ian to let me in our room. He's sitting on the floor cutting paper with scissors. I don't begin to understand why. Ian does weird shit sometimes. I sit down beside him.

"Did you talk to Lip?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"She's not a piece of trash. I have to show her that. I have to let her know what trash looks like."

Ian's looking at me. There is a strange look in his eyes. I'm not sure he can actually see me. I wave my hand in front of his face. He just goes back to cutting his fucking paper. I take the scissors from him, and watch as he shreds the paper instead. _What the fuck are you doing?_

"Come, we talk," says Svetlana. I forgot to shut the fucking door.

I rub Ian's neck and leave him to his business. Whatever the fuck this is. Svetlana passes me the kid and a sandwich. I take a deep breath. She sits at the table with a bowl of cheese puffs.

"Talk," she says, "and bond with baby."

I hold the fucking kid against my chest. He coos for a while before I feel his head droop against my heart. Before long he's asleep. I rub his back gently and look at Svetlana.

"He'll fucking kill her," I begin. I shut up for a second and listen to Mandy and Kenyatta arguing in her room. Somewhere in the house one of my brothers is doing a woman. _When the fuck did Colin get here?_

"What are you going to do about it?" I snatch a cheese puff and she smacks my hand.

"I have no fucking clue. I doubt there is anything I can do."

"You're a fucking pussy."

I flip her off. She smiles. Ian surfaces from my bedroom. Svetlana gets quiet. We exchange a look then both look at Ian. He's carrying a wad of paper and scraps. _What the fuck?_ I watch him closely. He walks past me as if I'm not even here and knocks on Mandy's bedroom door.

Mandy opens the door with a red mark on her face. I want to kill the motherfucker. She wants to leave with him. Svetlana is looking at me, but I don't meet her eyes. I'm still watching my fucking boyfriend.

"This is trash, Mandy. You're not trash. You're perfect," Ian says in a higher tone than his usual voice.

"Bitch, clean that up," Kenyatta tells Ian. He shoves Ian. Ian shoves back. I don't want to wake Yevgeny, the noises he's making are cute as fuck. When Ian gets shoved over some boxes I get up slowly, without disturbing my son who is still sleeping against my heart.

"Hey," I whisper. I get between them. I use my free hand to help Ian up. I push him toward Svetlana and he tries to take the baby. I wave him away. I shut Mandy's door in Ian's face for a moment. I look at my sister. "You want to live with this piece of shit?"

Mandy doesn't say a word. She wouldn't with Kenyatta in the room. He won't get loud while I'm holding the baby, at least he fucking better not. I slightly and carefully reposition Yevgeny so I am propping him up with my left arm instead of my right. He's drooling on my shirt.

"Listen, fuck head, I can't wait for you to get out of my fucking house. But if she calls me in at 3 am crying because you beat the shit out of her there isn't a place in America you could move because I will find you and I will end you. And you," I look at my sister again, "You had better spend some fucking time with Ian before you leave. Also, shut the fuck up, the baby is sleeping. You wake him you take care of him."

Ian is pacing around the house. I take a deep breath, Yevgeny coos, and I light a cigarette. I blow smoke away from the kid. Ian is stressing me out. My fucking sister leaving is stressing me out. The whole fucking world is stressing me out.

Lip comes over about an hour after Kenyatta goes out to play poker with his stupid friends. Ian and I are watching a movie on the couch when they disappear inside Mandy's room. I put my arm around him. Yevgeny is asleep in his crib near the couch.

"You know if they're going to fuck we should too," I suggest.

"Go, I watch baby," says Svetlana who comes back in as if she planned that all along.

I take Ian by the hand, but when get to our room he throws me down the bed. I let Ian dominate me. I like being manhandled. The sex is rough, gritty, and I fucking love it. I leave claw marks on Ian's back during climax.

We kiss. I nuzzle his face and hold him against me. Ian doesn't want to cuddle. He's fucking restless. He wants to fuck again. We do. The fourth time I put my foot down. I sit up.

"Okay, no. Not again. What's up with you?"

"They've stopped," Ian said.

"How the fuck can you hear that? Do you have bat hearing?"

"Mandy's crying," Ian said. And he's up and getting dressed before I can process what's going on.

"Take it easy, Batman."

I throw on boxers; I think they're Ian's. But I follow him. Lip has left and Mandy is sobbing on her bed, naked, with her blanket pulled up to her chest. Ian goes after his brother, I stay with Mandy.

"If he hurt you I'll kick his fucking ass," I tell her.

"I told him I love him."

 _Oh fuck._ I put my arm around Mandy. She lays her head on my shoulder.

"Did he say it back?" I ask. I already know the answer.

"No."

_Fuck you, Lip. You're on my fucking list._

"What now?" I ask her.

"I go to Indiana. I was right. There is nothing for me here."

"Me."

"What?"

"You could stay for me."

"Since when do you care?"

"Always. You're my fucking favorite. Do it for Ian."

"It's not like I can fuck Ian. I've tried."

I give her a look for that one. She shoves me.

"Oh get over yourself, ass breath. It was before you two started fucking."

I give Mandy a squeeze and leave. As much as I don't want her to go, I want her to do to be happy. If she thinks that this will make her happy then I have to let her do it.

Ian and I run into each other in the living room. He's on the verge of tears. It didn't go with Lip I guess. I reach for Ian. He doesn't come to me. "I want to be alone, okay."

"No. Go fucking talk to Mandy. Stay the night with her. Be with her," I suggest and Ian nods. I want to nuzzle his fucking face, but he won't allow me to. Instead I offer him a warm smile. "Let her know she does have someone who loves her and is worth staying for."

I haven't slept alone in a while. I can't seem to do it in our large fucking bed. I take my shit and sleep on the couch. The girl that Colin was fucking has finally left. He grabs a beer from the fridge. I mention Mandy leaving. He grunts, scratches his balls, and goes back to his room.

I hear two people sniffling in Mandy's room. _Ian._ As much as I want to go to him, he needs this. He needs to be with Mandy. He needs closure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe that Mandy deserved better. I honestly do. But what she deserved more was a proper good-bye with her brother and Ian, the two people she loved the most. So I'm going to give it to her.


	85. Psychotic Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian breaks down and steals Yevgeny after a fight with Mickey.

I press my heel into the smoking butt of the cigarette I dropped as I proceed to cross the street. The woman in charge of the yard sale has stepped away from a moment. I browse her selection. She has a lot of really good furniture.A yard sale is a good idea. We need the money. I pocket a tiny crystal unicorn and a garden gnome and go on my way when the woman comes back. I walk up the street. Iggy and Ryan are having a smoke on the porch.

  
“Do you have anything we could sell?” I ask.

  
“Why?”

  
“A yard sale, we could get money.”

  
“I sell drugs,” Iggy says.

  
“I don’t think Mickey wants Ian doing that,” Ryan says, he pats me on the back.

  
“Mickey doesn’t control me,” I add.

  
I rummage through the Milkovich house looking for something—anything of value that I could sell for money. We’re behind on bills and Mickey is stressed out. He won’t admit it. He doesn’t want me to worry. But I see him worrying about it. He presses his palms to his eyes when he’s trying not to cry.

  
Mickey is sitting at the table. Yevgeny is in his high chair laughing as Mickey is trying to get him to eat. I kiss both of them twice. Mickey reaches out and grabs me. He pulls me into his lap. I moan as I plant a kiss on his lips. He touches me from under my shirt.

  
“Sexy,” Mickey whispers as he bites at my neck.

  
“What’s with you this morning?” I ask, allowing him to leave a hickey on my collar bone.

  
“Nothing, damn baby won’t eat his fucking breakfast.”

  
Yev is cooing from his high chair. The noises are making Mickey smile even though he would never in a million years admit it. He secretly likes children. “Okay, bitch, you’re going to eat or you’re going to wear the fucking mashed potatoes,” Mickey tells Yev.

  
“You have a way with words, Mick.”

  
He flips me off and scoots me off his lap.

  
“We’ll continue this later.”

  
“Mick,” I say, leaning over and planting a kiss in his black hair. He gives in to my touches. The baby takes a spoonful of mashed potatoes while laughing. Mickey laughs back.“Do you think we should have a yard sale?”

  
“What the fuck for?”

  
“You said we needed the money,” I remind him.

  
“What the fuck is going on in that head of yours? One minute you’re all sweet and kind and then you’re in a bad mood, then you’re collecting fucking gnomes and wanting to sell all my fucking shit.” Mickey chucks my new gnome out the window.

  
“How could you do that? I trusted you. I thought you were on my side.” I say as I shove him and start going from room to room looking for stuff to sell. Someone grabs my arm, spins me around, and pushes me against the wall.

  
“I am on your side, Ian. I think we need to have a talk about this,” Mickey says.

  
“Fuck you. I hate you, you only want to change me.”

  
Mickey releases me. I don’t mean that. Instead of apologizing I grab the baby and walk out the front door. Something compelled me to get into the Milkovich car with the baby. Ryan and Iggy are yelling after me. I flip them both off and start the engine. I pull out of the drive way as Mickey and Iggy are running after me. In the rear view mirror I see Mickey chasing the car.

  
Mickey chases the car for three blocks before Iggy catches up to him and stops him. I turn a corner and no longer can see him. Yevgeny is crying. I don’t know how to shut him up. I bounce him on my knee and sing to him to quiet him down.

  
“Shh, daddy Ian is going to take care of you,” I tell him. I kiss the top of his head.

  
My phone rings. It’s Mickey. I don’t answer it. I pull over to Yev in his car seat then get a move on. I want to make good time before it gets dark. My phone won’t stop ringing.

  
“We’re going to pick up Aunt Mandy in Indiana then we’re going to Disney World. Won’t that be so much fun?”

  
“You know, Yevy, I love you so much.”

  
After four hours of driving I stopped to smoke and piss. I didn’t really have a diaper for Yev, and I needed money fast. I saw a couple of men standing underneath a rainbow flag. I might be able to sell myself to them for some money.

  
“Stay here, Yev. I’ll be back in three minutes.”

  
I get in a car with those men and they take me to a motel. I suck each of them off in turn and let them touch me however they want for two hundred bucks. They take me back to Yev. Yev is gone and the window is busted out.

  
“Is this your car?” a cop asks me.

  
“Where is my baby?”

  
“You left him in the heat? We have him.”

  
“Give me back my baby. HE’S MY BABY! GIVE HIM TO ME!” I try to take Yev back from the officer who has him. They’re fighting me. I shove one of the cops and swing at him. He reaches for me but I take off running. “SOMEONE HELP. THEY STOLE MY BABY!”

  
A cop catches me and they pin me to the ground to put me in handcuffs. I can’t see Yevgeny and that worries me. What if they leave him behind? Mickey would never forgive me. I would never forgive me.

  
They take me to the ER and I receive a shot of something, the cops had to hold me down to receive it. I feel somewhat calm and drowsy. It’s like nothing is wrong in the world. I don’t even really know where I am.

  
“Is there someone we can call for you?” The cop asks, at least I think he asks.

  
“Lip,” I say before I can no longer see or do anything. This looks like a nice place for a nap.

The world is a little off center. I feel weird. Is that Mickey? Someone’s warm face is nuzzling my cheek and whispering in my ear. “God, I was so fucking worried. Don’t ever scare me again.” And then a wet kiss on my cheek. I think it is Mickey.

  
I’m sorry I took your baby. I want to say that but I can’t seem to find a way to form words. Debbie. A girl has her arms around me. I hug her back and sniff her hair and she kisses me on the cheek. Maybe it’s Fiona.

  
“I love you,” Debbie says as she sniffles. “I was so worried about you.”

  
Where am I? Back in Chicago? Mickey is holding me. I lay my head on his shoulder. I feel his lips in my hair and his hand tightening his grip on my hip.

  
“I’m never letting go of you ever,” Mickey says.

  
And then I’m asleep. I wake up and Lip is making me sign some papers. Fiona is here now. And she’s crying and telling me she loves me. What did I do? Why am I here?  
“Ian,” says Mickey.

  
Mickey embraces me and I feel him tightening his grip around me again. I’m squeezed so tight I can barely breathe. “I fucking love you, you hear me. I love you!”  
How can you say that? I don’t deserve it. A woman is waiting for me. Is she an angel? Is this heaven? Mickey I’m scared.

  
“Can I go in with him?”

  
Please. I need him to come with me.

  
“No, I’m sorry.”

  
And they take me away from Mickey. I look back at him and smile. I love you.

  
“I love you,” Mickey screams at me as I round a corner.

  
Those words sting. They pierce me like a knife. I feel like shit.

  
“Right in here, Mr. Gallagher,” says the woman as I’m put in a room with several other men. A man in white strips me down and forces me into a yellow shirt and white shorts.

  
“Tell Mickey I’ll be right out,” I tell the man.

  
“Yeah, I’ll do that,” He says.

  
“Oh and that I forgive him for the gnome. He’ll know what it means,” I say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last actual chapter that features scenes from season 5. So nothing from here on will be canon. :)


End file.
